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First Broadcast 12th March 1999 as part of Comic Relief

1. Corridor

EMMA: These corridors all look the same!

(The DOCTOR spots a door.)

DOCTOR: We should be safe in here.

(They open it only to be confronted with dozens of chanting DALEKS.)


2. Dalek Ship

(The DOCTOR and EMMA are tied back to back on a chair in the DALEK ship. Various DALEKS are working at consoles nearby.)

EMMA: So given that exterminating you would be the most sensible thing to do, why do they always change their minds at the last moment?

DOCTOR: I'll explain later.

(The MASTER strolls on.)

MASTER: Behold! Once again I have been augmented by superior Dalek technology, rejuvinating my body and granting me more power over the cosmos.

(He pulls open his jacket.)

DOCTOR: And, I notice, breasts.

MASTER: They're not breasts, OK? They're Dalek bumps. They can detect ion charged emissions and operate as atheric beam locators at a distance of up to 20,000 light years.

(EMMA sniggers.)

They're also extremely firm.

EMMA: What are you trying to say?

MASTER: Oh, nothing.

DOCTOR: Why are the Daleks helping you? What are you giving them in return?

MASTER: I have granted them secrets of the Zectronic Energy Beam.

DOCTOR: Oh no, you fool! With the Zectronic Energy Beam the Daleks will be able to conquer the entire universe within minutes.

EMMA: With just a beam? How?

DOCTOR: I'll explain later.

BLACK DALEK: (to the MASTER) Prepare to operate the Zectronic Beam in five Dalek minutes.

MASTER: I obey.

(He goes over to a console at the back of the room.)

DOCTOR: (to the BLACK DALEK) You may conquer the universe but you'll have to share it with the beard and the bosoms over there.

BLACK DALEK: (quietly) The Master will be exterminated when he has served his purpose.

DOCTOR: (to EMMA) If the Master knew that the Daleks intend to kill him he might help us.

EMMA: How are you going to tell him without the Daleks hearing? They'll exterminate you on the spot if you say anything. I think we've really had it this time.

DOCTOR: Don't cancel our wedding yet, my darling, there's just one thing you've forgotten.

EMMA: What?

DOCTOR: Daleks don't have noses.

EMMA: Scraping the barrel a bit there, aren't you?

DOCTOR: Think my dear. Back on Terserus the Master and I both bribed the castle architect. Not only do I speak perfect Terseran but so does he.

EMMA: You mean..?

DOCTOR: Yes. I can communicate with the Master by carefully controlled breaking of wind.

EMMA: (to a DALEK guard) Could I be tied to a different chair?

DALEK: Silence.

EMMA: Why do you have chairs on a Dalek spaceship anyway?

DALEK: We will explain later.

(The DOCTOR screws up his face in concentration. The MASTER begins to sniff.)

MASTER: Danger?

(He looks at the DOCTOR who nods.)

You are facing certain doob... Cerain doob?

EMMA: Try not to clench.

(The DOCTOR nods again.)

MASTER: The Daleks... are planning... to exterminate you... as soon as you twiddley heepy jeepy...

EMMA: Sorry, that was me.

DALEK: Cease this communication!

BLACK DALEK: You have betrayed the Daleks!

(The DALEKS begin chorusing.)

DALEKS: Exterminate! Exterminate!

(The DALEKS fire at the MASTER who dodges out of the way and the beams hit the Zectronic Beam Controller. The DOCTOR, however, is not so lucky and falls to the floor. EMMA crouches over him.)

MASTER: (to the DALEKS) You fools! This Zectronic Beam Controller will now not only explode, it will implode. We're doomed.

BLACK DALEK: Repair the Zectronic Beam!

MASTER: It is beyond my ability. Only the Doctor can do it.

(He gestures towards the body.)

EMMA: Help him, he's dying. (to DOCTOR) Yes my darling?

MASTER: (sniffs) He er, he says "I love you".

EMMA: Oh Doctor. (to the DALEKS) You've killed him!

MASTER: I think not my child. This is only his ninth body. He has many, many more. Behold, the miracle of the Time Lord!

(The DOCTOR's face glows brightly and begins to change.)

Transcribed by Joseph Oldham.



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