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First Broadcast 12th March 1999 as part of Comic Relief

1. Dalek Ship

MASTER: Behold, the miracle of the Time Lord!

(The new younger DOCTOR stands up.)

TENTH DOCTOR: Oh, sorry about that. I just though I'd slip into something more comfortable.

(He checks himself in a mirror.)

Result? Cute, sexy and lick-the-mirror handsome.

(He licks the mirror then turns to the MASTER.)

I remember you don't I?

MASTER: And you still fear me, Doctor?

TENTH DOCTOR: You're the camp one.

MASTER: I'm not camp.

TENTH DOCTOR: Oh yeah. Nice tits.

MASTER: Bumps.

TENTH DOCTOR: (to the DALEKS) I remember you lot of course. (to EMMA) And, er, you're my finacee?

EMMA: You remember me then?

TENTH DOCTOR: How could I possibly forget the only time-travelling companion I've ever had?

EMMA: You've had lots of companions.

TENTH DOCTOR: The only time-travelling companion I've had.

EMMA: Oh right.

(He pulls EMMA close.)

TENTH DOCTOR: It's still me in here, Emma. These old hearts are still yours. Can you still love me in my new body?

EMMA: Actually I don't think I'll have to much of a problem with that. Er, back to the TARDIS?

(They run to the TARDIS which is in the corner of the room.)

BLACK DALEK: The Zectronic Beam Controller is going to explode!

DALEK: Help us Doctor and you're life will be spared.

TENTH DOCTOR: What better way to end my career than saving you metal gits? (to EMMA) Pop into the TARDIS, get a bottle of good champagne. When you get out we'll celebrate the beginning of our new life together.

EMMA: Great.

(EMMA enters the TARDIS while the DOCTOR goes over to the Zectronic Beam Controller.)

TENTH DOCTOR: I think in my new body I'm going to be particually good at rewiring.

(He reaches around the back of the console. There is an explosion and another DOCTOR staggers out.)


(EMMA returns.)

EMMA: Doctor?

DOCTOR: Ah. You're my finacee aren't you? Oh dear.

(He hops accross to the other side of the room.)

Seem to be a bit shy of girls now. All the problems of changing personas. So unpredictable.

EMMA: Doctor, look at me.


(The MASTER emerges from a corridor in the background.)

Oh dear, another girl.

MASTER: I'm not a girl, Doctor, I've told you before. These are Dalek bumps. They can locate syntheric beam emissions and... everything.

EMMA: So, er, you don't want to try again, do you?

ELEVENTH DOCTOR: Yes, probably not a bad idea, actually. Shouldn't be too much of a problem.

(The DOCTOR reaches behind the Zectronic Beam Controller again.)

Actually, I think the problems probably located in this area.

(He heads off down the corridor and around the corner. There is another explosion and yet another DOCTOR staggers out.)

EMMA: <???>

TWELFTH DOCTOR: Oh dear, look at that. I've gone and used up three bodies in just under a minute, and all because I forgot to unplug first. That really was terribly silly of me.

(He unplugs the Controller.)

Sorry about that my dear, bit unfortunate.

EMMA: Doctor!

TWELFTH DOCTOR: Oh assistant!

(Suddenly a beam strikes the DOCTOR from behind but this is from no DALEK gun. The DOCTOR falls down by the TARDIS and EMMA crouches over him.)

EMMA: Doctor!

TWELFTH DOCTOR: Residual energy. I'm a stupid ass, I should have realised.

BLACK DALEK: The Doctor has saved the Daleks, his life will be spared.

(The MASTER kneels down beside the DOCTOR.)

MASTER: No. His life is already lost. That was a discharge of pure Zectronic Energy. Even a Time Lord cannot survive its terrible power.

EMMA: But he can just change again, can't you Doctor?

TWELFTH DOCTOR: I'm afraid not, my dear. Zectronic Energy... too powerful. It has destroyed my ability to regenerate. I'm afraid this is, the end. Look after the universe for me, I've put a lot of work into it.

EMMA: But how can we look after it without you?

TWELFTH DOCTOR: I'll... explain...

(The DOCTOR sighs and goes limp.)

EMMA: Doctor, listen to me. You can't die, you're too... You're too nice. Too brave, too kind and far, far too silly. You're like Father Christmas! The Wizard of Oz! Scooby Doo! And I love you very much. And we all need you and you simply cannot die!

MASTER: He was the best and bravest of all my foes. From this day forward I shall renounce evil and follow the path of goodness to honour my fallen foe.

BLACK DALEK: The Doctor saved the Daleks. The Daleks too will honour their mortal enemy.

EMMA: He was never cruel and never cowardly, and it'll never be safe to be scared again.

(The MASTER leads EMMA off down the corridor. But behind them the DOCTOR's face glows and begins to change again. They turn round and the MASTER gasps.)

MASTER: It's impossible! Beyond all known laws of the universe!

EMMA: Maybe even the universe can't bear to be without the Doctor.

(The new DOCTOR stands up but there is definately something different this time.)

THIRTEENTH DOCTOR: Emma, look, I've got atheric beam locators.

EMMA: No Doctor, I'm afraid those are actual breasts.

THIRTEENTH DOCTOR: (peering down coat) Are you sure? I think I can see the 'on' switch.

EMMA: No Doctor, we have to face facts. You've come back to life and this time you're a woman.

THIRTEENTH DOCTOR: Really? I've always wanted to get my hands on one of these.

(She feels her body with her hands.)

EMMA: Unfortunately, I haven't.

THIRTEENTH DOCTOR: You're mother's going to get a bit of a surprise at the wedding, isn't she? Do you think we'll both wear white?

EMMA: I'm afraid Doctor, and I'm not sure if this sentence has ever been used so completely accurately before but, you're just not the man I fell in love with.

THIRTEENTH DOCTOR: Well never mind. We can still rattle around the universe, fighting monsters and saving planets. What could be more fun? My best friend by my side, my trusty old TARDIS and, of course...

(She pulls out a familiar object.) sonic screwdriver.

(She switches it on a it begins to vibrate.)

Ooh look, it's got three settings!

EMMA: Doctor, stop that!

(EMMA snatches it off the DOCTOR and storms off.)

MASTER: Doctor, I have to say you are rather gorgeous.

THIRTEENTH DOCTOR: I'm not bad, am I? And come to think of it, you're a great deal more attractive than I remember.

MASTER: Why, thank you.

DOCTOR: Tell me, why do they call you "the Master"?

MASTER: I'll explain later.

(The MASTER bursts into manic laughter as the walk off down the corridor, arm in arm.)


EPILOGUE: Main Hall, Castle Terserus

(The NINTH DOCTOR walks up to the TARDIS.)

DOCTOR: When I want to save the world I use a phone box, but you can do it from home. 0345 460 460.

(The numbers appear in a caption beneath him.)

Transcribed by Joseph Oldham

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