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DOCTOR WHO
THE ANDROIDS OF TARA

Written by
David Fisher

Part One

[INT. TARDIS]

(The TARDIS is in flight, and the DOCTOR is on the floor, playing chess with K9. A chess clock sits beside him.)
DOCTOR: (moving a black piece) Rook to Bishop's 4. (K9's clock is now running) I saw Capablanca make that move against Alekhine in 1927.
K9: He lost, Master.
DOCTOR: Who?
K9: Capablanca.
DOCTOR: Are you sure?
K9: Master, I have been programmed with all the championship games since 1866. Capablanca lost.
DOCTOR: I must have been called away. Are you really sure?
K9: King to Knight's 2.
DOCTOR: (moving for K9) King to Knight's 2. King to-? That's a terrible move. You've weakened the king's side.
K9: Clock, Master.
DOCTOR: I know, I know, I know. (operates the clock) I'll check your programming sometime. We're not supposed to be playing draughts, you know.
K9: Master.
(ROMANA enters, in the long white dress she was first wearing.)
ROMANA: What are you doing, Doctor?
DOCTOR: Shh, shh. (quietly) We're playing chess.
ROMANA: Yes, I can see that, but aren't you forgetting something?
DOCTOR: I don't think so.
ROMANA: What about our task? The Key to Time, remember?
DOCTOR: Oh, that old thing.
ROMANA: Yes, that old thing. The Guardian did stress the need for urgency, didn't he?
DOCTOR: Shh, shh, shh sshhhhh.
ROMANA: I'll do it.
DOCTOR: If you must.
(ROMANA inserts the tracer in the console.)
DOCTOR: I just feel I deserve a little break. After all, we've gathered half the segments. I prefer to play chess.
ROMANA: Really. Materialisation in fifteen seconds. (approaches the board) Mate in twelve.
K9: Correction, Mistress - eleven.
ROMANA: Eleven? Ohhh, yes. Sorry, K9.
K9: Apologies are unnecessary, Mistress.
DOCTOR: Mate in eleven? Oh yes, oh yes. Well, that's the trouble with chess, isn't it? It's all so predictable.
ROMANA: Materialisation commencing now. Five, four, three, two, one.
(She pulls a control into position, and the TARDIS materialises.)
ROMANA: Was that smooth enough for you, Doctor?
DOCTOR: Hmm?
ROMANA: I said 'Was that smooth enough?'
DOCTOR: Mate in eleven? What, have we arrived? Oh, good. Where?
ROMANA: Tara.
DOCTOR: Tara?
ROMANA: Earth-type gravity, oxygen atmosphere, climate temperate.
DOCTOR: Ah. Peaceful-looking place. That shouldn't give you too much trouble.
ROMANA: Me?
DOCTOR: I think it's rather beautiful, don't you? Very good for-. Yes, I think it would be.
ROMANA: What?
DOCTOR: Shouldn't you be getting changed?
ROMANA: Oh yes, all right.

[INT. TARDIS side room where Romana changes clothes]

ROMANA: (flicking through a rack of clothes) Tara, Tara. Tahiti?
(She holds a costume that includes a grass skirt and lei against herself.)
ROMANA: No. Tally ho. Tara!
(She pulls out some sort of long outfit in dark purple.)

[INT. TARDIS console room]

(The DOCTOR removes fake flowers and a pair of binoculars from a cupboard positioned at the camera.)
ROMANA [OC]: What are you looking for?
DOCTOR: Well, it's in here somewhere.
ROMANA [OC]: I said 'What are you looking for?'
DOCTOR: (getting out a fishing rod) Ahh-ha! A-ha! Goody. Gosh, that takes me back. (pause) Or forward. That's the trouble with time travel - you can never remember.
ROMANA [OC]: What is it?
DOCTOR: Last time I used this, I was with Isaak Walton. Yes. Yes, it's all here.
(ROMANA enters, wearing the purple Taran outfit, with a silk jacket front over a velour-type darker purple coat affair. Her top hat is a matching dark purple with a green band.)
ROMANA: Well, how do you like it? Good. According to our records, it's what everyone on Tara's wearing this year. Isn't that right, K9?
K9: Affirmative.

[EXT. TARDIS]

(The tracer emerges from the TARDIS, crackling, in ROMANA's hand. We are in a jungle sort of environment.)
ROMANA: Aha.
DOCTOR: (following her out) Ah.
ROMANA: Where are you going?
DOCTOR: (returning to her side) Fishing.
ROMANA: Fishing? What's fishing?
DOCTOR: Fishing? It's an art, worthy of the knowledge and practice of a wise man. Isaak Walton-
ROMANA: Look, we haven't got time for you to practise anything. We've got to find the fourth segment.
DOCTOR: You find it. I'm taking the day off.
ROMANA: The day off?
DOCTOR: Yes. After a journey of four hundred years and twelve parsecs, I'm allowed a rest of fifty years.
ROMANA: Where does it say that?
DOCTOR: Section Ninety-three, paragraph 2, Laws Governing Time Lords. You look it up. Go on.
ROMANA: What? You just made that up.

[EXT. Beside a river]

ROMANA: But you can't spent the next fifty years fishing.
DOCTOR: Well, of course not. I'd get bored. I just propose to spend the next couple of hours fishing.
ROMANA: But what about the fourth segment?
DOCTOR: You get it.
ROMANA: Right, I will.
DOCTOR: Yes, you do that. It's a lovely day, beautiful countryside. The walk will do you good.
ROMANA: Thank you.
DOCTOR: Would you just mind standing aside, please? You're casting a shadow. It frightens the fish.
ROMANA: Frightens the fish. Look, I'm going to get that fourth segment, and I'll be back here in under an hour. You be ready to leave.
DOCTOR: Yes.
(Led by the tracer, ROMANA passes across a small stream on stepping-stones and heads through a wooded area. Something follows her from behind the foliage, rustling in the rhubarb. She pauses but then resumes her trek. It leads to a statue, a worn image of a dragon-type monster with a warrior standing over it in triumph. She places the tip of the tracer against the stone creature's snout, and she picks up the resulting segment from the base of the statue. She smiles, but then an ape or similar emerges from the undergrowth. She backs away from this slowly moving but loud creature. A caped man in a suit of armour arrives, brandishing an electric rapier.)
GRENDEL: Here, beast!
(He attacks the ape creature, with each hit of the blade producing a white flash. The creature retreats, and the man lifts his visor. We see a fairly normal-looking man with moustache and beard, and a rather large nose.)
GRENDEL: It's incredible!
ROMANA: I don't know how to thank you. If you hadn't have come along when you did, that beast would have got me. What's your name?
GRENDEL: My name? Uh, you're not damaged in any way?
ROMANA: No, no. I just stumbled slightly, that's all.
GRENDEL: Your head isn't injured?
ROMANA: No, I don't think so. There's no harm done. I'm sorry if you're somebody frightfully important, but I'm a stranger here, you see. My name's Romana.
GRENDEL: Ah, the fair Romana. (sheathes his rapier) That's a pretty name.
ROMANA: Thank you. Tell me, are there many creatures like that around here? I understood that the fauna of Tara were supposed to be friendly.
GRENDEL: I always keep some beasts in my woods to hunt, but they don't usually attack people unless they're frightened in some way.
ROMANA: Your woods?
GRENDEL: Yes. These are part of the estates of Gracht. (he takes the segment) What a curiously shaped stone.
ROMANA: Yes.
(She reaches for it but loses her balance.)
GRENDEL: Oh, have you hurt your ankle?
ROMANA: No, no, it's nothing, really. (reaching out) Could I have my stone, please?
GRENDEL: Of course, as soon as it's been registered.
ROMANA: Registered?
GRENDEL: Yes. Do you not know the law?
ROMANA: No. As I said, I'm a stranger here.
GRENDEL: The law decrees that all minerals, particularly unusual ones of this kind, must be registered with the knight of Castle Gracht.
ROMANA: Who's that?
GRENDEL: Me. I am Count Grendel, Knight of Gracht, Master of the Sword.
ROMANA: Oh, I see.
GRENDEL: What's happened to the statue?
ROMANA: Is it important?
GRENDEL: Only to superstitious fools.
ROMANA: Oh?
GRENDEL: It's our family emblem. At least, it was. It's supposed to guard our fortunes. How very odd.
ROMANA: Look, I, uh, I'm sorry, but I really must-
GRENDEL: It's of no importance. What is important is to get that ankle of yours attended to.
ROMANA: It's nothing, really.
GRENDEL: I shall take you to my castle. My steward can register your stone while my surgeon attends to your injury.
ROMANA: Look, it's very kind of you, but I really c-
GRENDEL: Then I shall provide you with a mount and an escort to take you wherever you wish.
ROMANA: It's just a question of time.
GRENDEL: An hour, no more. What's an hour out of your life? (He lifts her.)
GRENDEL: I shall not take 'no' for an answer.
(We see the DOCTOR fishing, then return to GRENDEL, who carries the Time Lady to a white horse that is waiting patiently for him.)
ROMANA: What's that? Is it yours?
GRENDEL: My favourite charger. Strong as a tree and swift as the wind.
ROMANA: Well, how does it go? What makes it work?
GRENDEL: Good heavens, I don't know, my dear.
ROMANA: You don't?
GRENDEL: I'm a knight, not a farrier.

[EXT. Beside the river]

(The DOCTOR is asleep, fishing rod in his lap. That soon changes, as an electric rapier touches the brim of his hat. He holds up his hand, reaches for his hat, and looks at it. He then sees the rapier tip in front of his face. Behind it is a clean-shaven young man.)
DOCTOR: Do you mind not standing on my chest? My hat's on fire. I don't think we've met before.
ZADEK: (an older man with a beard) Who are you?
DOCTOR: Hmm?
ZADEK: Who are you?
DOCTOR: Call me 'Doctor'.
ZADEK: What are you doing here?
DOCTOR: Oh, fishing.
ZADEK: This is Prince Reynart's hunting estate.
DOCTOR: (getting to his feet) What? Prince Reynart?
ZADEK: Yes.
DOCTOR: I've never heard of him. Decent sort of chap, is he?
FARRAH: (the man who burnt his hat) Shall I kill him, Swordmaster?
DOCTOR: No, no, that won't be necessary.
(The DOCTOR touches the point inadvertently. When he receives a shock, he takes the weapon and examines it.)
DOCTOR: Good heavens, electrically charged. The control's in the hilt, I see. (He hands it back.)
ZADEK: You know about such things?
DOCTOR: Well, I've travelled.
FARRAH: He said he was a doctor.
ZADEK: You know about machines, electronics?
DOCTOR: A little.
ZADEK: You don't look like a peasant.
DOCTOR: Well, of course not. I've travelled.
ZADEK: But you have certain skills. Can you mend an android?
DOCTOR: What? What'd you just say?
ZADEK: An android.
DOCTOR: I thought you said an android. What's wrong with it?
ZADEK: It won't go.
DOCTOR: Why don't you just try your local android dealer?
FARRAH: Shall I kill him now, Swordmaster?
DOCTOR: (raising his face as the rapier moves in front of it) Look, I don't think that's necessary. You see, I'd really love to help you out, but I'm frightfully busy and where is this android?

[EXT. Castle]

(The horse arrives, with ROMANA riding in front of GRENDEL.)
GRENDEL: There is Castle Gracht, my dear.
ROMANA: It's beautiful.
GRENDEL: It's the ancient home of the Grendels of Gracht. And it's quite, quite escape-proof, I'm glad to say. (The horse takes them within.)

[EXT. Castle entrance]

TILL: (a hunchback, running to the gates) My lord is come! Open the gate!
(The gates swing open, and the horse enters. The gates swing closed as TILL follows. GRENDEL lifts ROMANA down, and TILL meets them.)
GRENDEL: There, that wasn't too bad, was it?
ROMANA: There's no need to carry me. I can still walk.
TILL: Master. (He bows.)
GRENDEL: Fetch Madame Lamia.
TILL: Master. (He runs off.)
GRENDEL: She's my surgeon. Come, my dear.

[INT. Lamia's lab]

(We pan across the lab, which features some computers, flasks and retorts, a carved wooden chair, and a couch with a general human outline. GRENDEL places her on the couch.)
GRENDEL: There.
ROMANA: Oh, thank you. (sets her hat beside her) You won't forget to register my stone, will you?
GRENDEL: What?
ROMANA: My stone.
GRENDEL: Oh, no. No, of course not, my dear.
(A woman in a white feudal-style smock trimmed in red enters.)
LAMIA: I got your message.
GRENDEL: Oh, Romana, my dear, this is Madame Lamia, my surgeon-engineer.
ROMANA: Hello. Engineer?
LAMIA: I don't believe it.
(GRENDEL chuckles. LAMIA examines ROMANA's head.)
ROMANA: What's the matter?
LAMIA: It's incredible. It's a marvellous job. Who did it?
GRENDEL: The question is not so much who, my dear, as why.
LAMIA: (walking away) I'm a peasant. I leave politics to my betters.
GRENDEL: Very wise of you, my dear.
ROMANA: Now look, I don't know what all this is about, but I must-
GRENDEL: Restrain her.
(LAMIA presses a button on a box from her smock pocket. Curved bars emerge over ROMANA's chest and ankles.)
LAMIA: What do you want me to do with her, my Lord?
GRENDEL: Well, we can't have her running around the kingdom. Disassemble her. We can cannibalise her for parts.
ROMANA: What parts? Now, wait a minute.
GRENDEL: I should like to keep the head. You're right, it really is quite remarkable.
(As he leaves, LAMIA approaches with an electric knife.)

[INT. Cabin]

DOCTOR: (restricted in his pacing) Ahem, you're standing on my scarf.
FARRAH: (laughs) I'm terribly sorry. (He slices through the scarf with his rapier.)
DOCTOR: If you don't stop burning my scarf, you're going to have to kill me.
REYNART: (a young man of some bearing, entering) Doctor, you must forgive Swordsman Farrah. He tends to get over-enthusiastic in the pursuit of his duties.
DOCTOR: Perhaps he does-
REYNART: But particularly in the defence of his prince.
DOCTOR: Well, maybe he does get too enthusiastic in the course of his duty. What about my scarf?
ZADEK: Peasant, you will speak with respect when you address Prince Reynart of Tara.
DOCTOR: I told you, I'm not a peasant.
REYNART: But you do know about androids.
DOCTOR: Well, that depends.
ZADEK: On what?
REYNART: On how we treat him, obviously.
(The DOCTOR sits at the table but stands again with FARRAH's encouragement.)
REYNART: So you're not a peasant.
DOCTOR: No.
REYNART: Very well, I'll make you an offer. One thousand gold pieces if you can mend our android.
DOCTOR: One thousand gold pieces? Pfft. Do you think you can buy me for money? Ha! Five hundred.
REYNART: Done.
DOCTOR: Suppose I can't mend the android?
ZADEK: Then we shall give you to Swordsman Farrah for sword practice.
REYNART: No, we won't, Zadek. This man is obviously a gentleman. If he can mend our android, we shall reward him. If he cannot, you have my word, Doctor, you will come to no harm. You may go free.
DOCTOR: Thank you.
(The DOCTOR opens the front door. It is guarded.)
REYNART: Wait. The android?
DOCTOR: Oh yes, yes. Where? Excuse me.
(REYNART removes a blanket from an android in the corner. It has no face plate at present, just eyeballs and some wiring.)
REYNART: There he is, Doctor.
(The DOCTOR starts his work by polishing an eyeball.)

[INT. Lamia's lab]

(LAMIA draws a cutting line across ROMANA's neck.)
GRENDEL: I always enjoy watching you work, my dear.
LAMIA: Thank you, my Lord. I shall make the cut here.
GRENDEL: Excellent.
ROMANA: Count, far be it from me to query this lady's competency as a doctor, but where I come from you don't cut off the patient's head if you wish to cure their ankle!
LAMIA: Ankle?
GRENDEL: Yes, there was supposed to be something wrong with its ankle.
(LAMIA takes off ROMANA's right boot.)
LAMIA: It's swollen.
ROMANA: Well, what did you expect?
LAMIA: Extraordinary. If I didn't know better, my Lord-
(LAMIA pulls up ROMANA's hair and checks the back of her head.)
LAMIA: She's not an android.
GRENDEL: What?
LAMIA: She is real.
ROMANA: Brilliant.
GRENDEL: Well, you can keep your head, my dear. I may have a better use for it.

[INT. Cabin]

DOCTOR: That's not bad. I have seen better.
REYNART: Don't you sometimes wish, Zadek, that our fathers had permitted us to learn peasant skills?
ZADEK: No, your Highness. If we'd been meant to have been peasants, we'd have been born peasants.
REYNART: Perhaps you're right, Zadek. Well, Doctor, can it be fixed?
DOCTOR: Well, that depends. Fixed for what?
REYNART: Zadek.
(ZADEK brings a box to the DOCTOR.)
REYNART: For one thing, it must wear this.
DOCTOR: (placing the Reynart face plate over the android's head) Why?
REYNART: Tomorrow, at the appropriate hour fixed by the astrologers, in the great coronation room of the Palace of Tara, I am to be crowned king.
DOCTOR: Well, congratulations.
REYNART: They will be in order if I get there.
DOCTOR: Why? What's to stop you?
REYNART: Count Grendel of Gracht.
DOCTOR: What?
REYNART: He'll kill me if he needs to. After all, you can't crown a dead prince. Grendel and his men will be watching every entrance to the palace to prevent my getting to the coronation room at the ordained time.
DOCTOR: So?
REYNART: If I fail to appear at the right moment, I forfeit my right to the crown.
DOCTOR: Ah. And that's when Grendel of Gracht steps in?
REYNART: The only other contender for the throne is the princess Strella, but she disappeared some time ago. Nobody knows where she is.
DOCTOR: Where does George come into all this?
ZADEK: There have been three attempts on his Highness's life already. The next one could be successful.
DOCTOR: Ah, I see. Let them attack George here instead of the prince.
REYNART: Precisely. We use Geo-, the android copy of me to create a diversion, to distract their attention.
DOCTOR: Draw their fire.
REYNART: To draw their fire while we slip past the guards into the coronation room. What do you think, Doctor?
DOCTOR: Well, it has been done before.

[INT. Lamia's lab]

(While GRENDEL and LAMIA confer, ROMANA moves the tracer from her belt to her sleeve.)
LAMIA [OC]: I don't like it.
GRENDEL [OC]: I'm not asking you to like it. Just do it.
LAMIA [OC]: Is it wise? Think of the risk.
GRENDEL: You question my commands?
LAMIA: No, my Lord, of course not.
GRENDEL: Then do what I tell you, or I shall have you flogged, and don't imagine that I won't.
LAMIA: Yes, my Lord.
(She fills a hypodermic syringe while GRENDEL rolls up the non-tracer sleeve.)
ROMANA: What are you doing? What? No! Please, no! Ah.
(LAMIA goes blurry for ROMANA, who fades into unconsciousness.)

[INT. Cabin]

GEORGE: Congratulations, Doctor. Thank you. And now if you will forgive me, gentlemen, I must retire.
(The REYNART in the gold jacket gets up and heads for an inner door.)
GEORGE: Goodnight, gentlemen.
(He and REYNART bow to each other, and the android exits the room.)
REYNART: Excellent! Farrah, bring wine! Do you know, it's quite eerie seeing oneself walk and talk like that. I never thought I'd see that thing going again.
DOCTOR: Well, it'll do for now, but if I'd had the proper tools, I could have done a much better job.
REYNART: It's good enough to fool Grendel and his men. Don't you think so, Zadek?
ZADEK: I hope so, your Highness, for our sake.
REYNART: Oh, Zadek, always the pessimist. Thank you, Doctor.
DOCTOR: My pleasure.
REYNART: Zadek.
(ZADEK places a pouch on the table, on the DOCTOR's scarf.)
ZADEK: Five hundred gold pieces.
REYNART: You wouldn't be interested in permanent employment, would you, Doctor?
DOCTOR: (pulls the scarf toward himself) No, no, no, I'm sorry, I'm otherwise engaged.
REYNART: Pity. Still, you will stay and drink a toast to our success for tomorrow, won't you?
(FARRAH brings a tray with wine and goblets on it.)
DOCTOR: All right.
REYNART: One of our local wines. Modest, demure, but palatable. Join us, Farrah.
FARRAH: Thank you, your Highness.
DOCTOR: You look better without your helmet.
FARRAH: Cooler, anyway.
ZADEK: With your permission, your Highness. To the king.
DOCTOR: To the king.
FARRAH: To the king.
REYNART: Not yet. Tomorrow, perhaps, thanks to the Doctor.
(REYNART tops up the DOCTOR's wine.)
DOCTOR: Thank you.
FARRAH: To the Doctor.
REYNART: The Doctor. (He pauses after a mouthful.)
FARRAH: Your Highness?
(REYNART falls onto the table, FARRAH half-draws his rapier but can't manage more before falling over, and ZADEK falls too.)
DOCTOR: Potent stuff.
(He makes for the door, finally collapsing outside it, where Count GRENDEL stands above him.)

The above notes, transcription, etc. by Anna Shefl

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