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DOCTOR WHO
THE TALONS OF WENG-CHIANG

Written by
Robert Holmes

Part Six

(Overlap from 'We'll trap them in the crossfire')

[INT. Litefoot's dining room]

(WENG-CHIANG ducks down and covers his face with his hands, turning away. As LEELA is making her way to her feet, HO enters.
WENG-CHIANG, mask back in place, is sitting at the table when the DOCTOR enters, reading. The DOCTOR speaks, oblivious with respect to his companion's identity.)
DOCTOR: There's a Boot Court near the river, less than a mile from here, look.
(The DOCTOR sits, points to a spot in the A-Z, and turns to his companion. He then reacts.)
DOCTOR: Oh, you let yourself in. That's good. We were expecting you.
WENG-CHIANG: No, Doctor. It was we who were expecting you.
(MR SIN approaches in the background. A few COOLIES step in behind him.)
DOCTOR: Life's full of little surprises. What have you done to her?
WENG-CHIANG: Nothing, yet.
DOCTOR: Take my advice. Don't.
WENG-CHIANG: Your advice? (laughs) Oh, Doctor, you are an unusual man, but in opposing me you have gone far out of your depth. You have taken something from me. I want it back.
DOCTOR: Now I wonder what that could be. I'm always borrowing things from people and then forgetting where I've put them.
(He steps over to the end of the table and starts going through his pockets methodically. It's the usual collection of odds and ends, including a dead mouse.)
DOCTOR: It's a terrible habit.
WENG-CHIANG: I have never appreciated frivolity. It was in that bag! It is not there now! Give it to me!
(The DOCTOR is chewing on a jelly baby.)
DOCTOR: What, one of these?
WENG-CHIANG: The time key, Doctor!
DOCTOR: Ah, the time key! Now heavens to Betsy, where did I last see that?
WENG-CHIANG: I'll give you three seconds, Doctor, and then Mister Sin will kill the girl. One, two, three. Kill her!
(The DOCTOR pops up from the level of the table, with the lozenge-shaped key in his hand.)
WENG-CHIANG: (to MR SIN) Stop!
DOCTOR: Is this what you want? The trionic lattice?
(The DOCTOR throws the key up into the air and catches it.)
WENG-CHIANG: Give it to me!
DOCTOR: Careful, careful. I might have dropped it!
WENG-CHIANG: (with his hands shaking in anger) I'll kill you!
DOCTOR: (looking the key over) Crystalline. Probably break into a thousand pieces.
WENG-CHIANG: You arrogant jackanapes!
DOCTOR: When I'm crowded, I get nervous. Call your dogs off.
WENG-CHIANG: Back, back.
DOCTOR: That's better.
WENG-CHIANG: Give me that key, and I will spare her life.
DOCTOR: Never trust a man with dirty fingernails.
WENG-CHIANG: You can trust me to kill her if you do not immediately put it down! Now obey me at once!
DOCTOR: I tell you what, I'll make a bargain with you. You can have the trionic lattice (WENG-CHIANG reaches out his hands) when we get to the House of the Dragon. (He lowers his hands.)
WENG-CHIANG: What trickery is this?
DOCTOR: No trickery. You're holding two others of my friends.
WENG-CHIANG: What of them?
DOCTOR: I want them released.
WENG-CHIANG: Two blundering dolts? Why?
DOCTOR: I doubt if you could understand that, but that's the condition.
WENG-CHIANG: Very well. They're nothing to me.
DOCTOR: Good. Right. Then you and your chaps can lead the way, and I'll follow.
WENG-CHIANG: Bring the girl.
DOCTOR: No! The girl stays.
WENG-CHIANG: You would be wise not to press me too far!
DOCTOR: Just lead on.
WENG-CHIANG: Come!
(HO drops LEELA, who falls to the floor. The DOCTOR is the last to leave, behind MR SIN.
We then see the queasy LEELA rise. Still queasy, she grabs the carving knife, runs to the door, and then follows the others out.)

[INT. House of the Dragon, kitchen]

JAGO: What's the matter?
LITEFOOT: I heard something.
JAGO: What sort of thing?
LITEFOOT: People. Quite a group just went by.
JAGO: More Wongs for the Tong, I suppose. Do you realise we've been here over an hour?
LITEFOOT: It'll be dawn soon.
JAGO: What does that signify?
LITEFOOT: I'm not aware that it signifies anything. It's just a remark.
JAGO: I thought perhaps they might do things at dawn.
LITEFOOT: Do things? What sort of things?
JAGO: Well, you know, sacrifice their victims.
LITEFOOT: You're thinking of the Druids, aren't you? I'm not aware the Chinese make a ceremony of it.
JAGO: Oh, good. I don't think I could stomach that. It's been worrying me somewhat.
LITEFOOT: Best not to think about it.
JAGO: I can't help it. Beastly heathens. That's my trouble, Litefoot.
LITEFOOT: What?
JAGO: Well, I'm not awfully... Well, I'm not so bally brave when it comes to it. I try to be, but I'm not.
LITEFOOT: When it comes to it, I don't suppose anybody is.
JAGO: Well, I thought I ought to tell you anyway, in case I let the side down.
LITEFOOT: You won't, Henry. I know you won't.

[INT. House of the Dragon]

WENG-CHIANG: Fetch the prisoners here.
(WENG-CHIANG sets MR SIN on the steps next to the large dragon statue.)
DOCTOR: Very impressive. I'll have the bird's nest soup.
WENG-CHIANG: What?
DOCTOR: Well, isn't this where you do the cooking?
(MR SIN starts climbing the steps, heading behind the dragon statue.)
WENG-CHIANG: How can you understand the functions of a catalytic extraction chamber, Doctor, part of a technology far beyond your time?
DOCTOR: Simple old-fashioned cannibalism. That machine just saves you having to chew the grisly bits.
WENG-CHIANG: Ah, much more than that. The secret of life.
DOCTOR: Bunkum! Your so-called technology is the twisted lunacy of a scientific dark age.
WENG-CHIANG: What do you know of my time?
DOCTOR: Everything. Where is it?
WENG-CHIANG: What?
DOCTOR: Your pig-faced, pig-brained Peking Homunculus.

[INT. Dragon]

(The creature in question is situating itself behind some controls within the head of the dragon statue. We see the statue's eyes light up.)
WENG-CHIANG [OC]: You know of that? How?

[INT. House of the Dragon]

(The DOCTOR firmly makes a move on the chess board set out in the centre of the room, key still held firmly in the other hand.)
DOCTOR: I was with the Filipino army at the final advance on Reykjavik.
WENG-CHIANG: How can you in the nineteenth century know anything of the fifty-first? You lie!
DOCTOR: Listen. What's your name? What were you called before you became a Chinese god?
WENG-CHIANG: I am Magnus Greel!
DOCTOR: Oh, yes, the infamous Minister of Justice, the Butcher of Brisbane.
(The DOCTOR moves a piece.)
DOCTOR: Checkmate.
(WENG-CHIANG knocks the pieces to the side in anger.)
WENG-CHIANG: It is impossible for you to know these things! (He starts walking away from the DOCTOR.)
DOCTOR: I know you're a wanted criminal and that a hundred thousand deaths can be laid at your door.
WENG-CHIANG: Enemies of the state! They were used in the advancements of science.
DOCTOR: They were slaughtered in your filthy machine.
WENG-CHIANG: So, you are from the future, and I, for all my achievements, am only remembered as a war criminal! Of course, it is the winning side that writes history, Doctor. Remember, you would not be here if it were not for my work.
DOCTOR: Your work?
(MR SIN is sitting at controls in the dragon's head, looking out through one of the illuminated eyes. The dummy is keeping the DOCTOR in its sights.)
DOCTOR: Your work?
WENG-CHIANG: Yes! I made this possible. I found the resources, the scientists-
DOCTOR: The zigma experiments came to nothing. They were a failure. Nothing came of them.
WENG-CHIANG: No! No, they were a success! Why, I used them to escape from my enemies, the first man to travel through time!
DOCTOR: Hmm. Look what it did to you.
WENG-CHIANG: A temporal distortion of my metabolism. It can be readjusted.
(The prisoners are ushered in. in high spirits.)
LITEFOOT: Doctor!
DOCTOR: Good morning, gentlemen.
JAGO: By jingo, what did I tell you? The game's up, my friend. We have the place surrounded.
DOCTOR: No, Jago, Jago, Jago. We don't have the place surrounded. We just have an understanding.
JAGO: Understanding?
DOCTOR: Yes.
WENG-CHIANG: I have kept my word, Doctor. Now give me the key.
DOCTOR: Only when they're well clear of this place. Off you go now. Hurry.
LITEFOOT: Doctor, there are two others here, two wretched girls.
DOCTOR: Then take them with you.
WENG-CHIANG: Your demands are becoming too great!
(WENG-CHIANG points at the dragon, and this cue causes pulsed yellow beams to strike out from both eyes. The DOCTOR may have been struck as he hits the floor. This gives WENG-CHIANG a chance to grab the time key. He takes that chance.)
WENG-CHIANG: (to MR SIN) Enough! I want him alive.
DOCTOR: Beware the eye of the dragon. (His eyes close.)
LITEFOOT: Doctor, are you hurt?
WENG-CHIANG: Take them out. Get these stinking heaps of rubbish out of here!
(The COOLIES drag the DOCTOR out, feet-first.
In the semi-lit corridor, LEELA dispatches another CHINESE MAN, stowing him behind a curtain.
MR SIN looks on from his perch in the dragon's head as WENG-CHIANG inserts the key into the dial at the front of the cabinet. The dial begins to flash slowly in the area immediately around the key.)
WENG-CHIANG: Perfect, perfect. After all these years, the function is unimpaired.
(Caressing the machine, he opens the cabinet. Lights are blinking within.)
WENG-CHIANG: Everything exactly as it was - the parallax synchrons fully charged, the strata tube set at maximum. (laughing) He was wrong! Wrong! The zigma experiment was a success!

[INT. House of the Dragon, kitchen]

(LITEFOOT is tending to the unconscious DOCTOR. He checks for a pulse, then listens at his chest.)
LITEFOOT: Curious. Double heartbeat. Otherwise, everything seems in order.
JAGO: If only we knew what that fiendish device was that struck him down. From behind, mark you.
LITEFOOT: Sssh. I think he's trying to say something.
(LITEFOOT lifts the DOCTOR into a mostly sitting position.)
DOCTOR: There's a one-eyed yellow idol to the north of Katmandu. There's a little marble cross below the town.
LITEFOOT: Kipling?
DOCTOR: Harry Champion, 1920.
(He jumps to his feet.)
LITEFOOT: Doctor, are you all right?
DOCTOR: Greel's got the key!
LITEFOOT: Greel?
DOCTOR: How long have I been unconscious?
LITEFOOT: Only a few minutes.
(They go over to the kidnapped women.)
DOCTOR: The broth of oblivion.
JAGO: What's that?
DOCTOR: Chinese soup. He'll be coming for them soon.
LITEFOOT: Well, surely there must be something we can do for them?
DOCTOR: There's always something we can do. Get them over there against the wall. Come on.
(They carry the women to the other side of the room, depositing them beneath a window.)
JAGO: They're armed to the teeth, those Wong fellows. Knives, guns, everything.
LITEFOOT: Jago's right. Empty-handed we can do nothing.
(The DOCTOR is working with the mattress.)
DOCTOR: Excellent. This is good, strong linen. It should do fine. Well, don't just stand there wasting time. Get me a bucket of water, and break off that gas pipe.

[INT. House of the Dragon]

WENG-CHIANG: Almost ready. Yes, time to prepare my two partridges. Why don't you come down from there? Sulking because I wouldn't let you kill the Doctor, is that it? (He laughs.)
(MR SIN now has WENG-CHIANG in the weapon's sights.)
WENG-CHIANG: Oh, you can kill him soon enough, Sin, but first I must drain every scintilla of his knowledge about the zigma experiment.
MR SIN: Oink, oink.
WENG-CHIANG: You can kill him then, and as many more as you wish before we leave. All I need is to re-establish my protenoid balance.
(We see LEELA enter behind him. The knife is drawn.)
WENG-CHIANG: Then I can enter the zigma beam for the second time. Only this time, there must be no mistake in the programme DNA levels. Now for my two partridges.
(WENG-CHIANG strikes a gong. LEELA is on a table next to him and soon jumping down onto him, with the knife at his throat.)
LEELA: Die, Bent-Face!
(He falls to the floor and shrinks back. He grabs her hand as she moves in for the kill. They struggle for some time on the floor.)
WENG-CHIANG: No, spare me, please!
LEELA: Spawn of evil. Now I destroy you!
(The COOLIES pull her off WENG-CHIANG.)
WENG-CHIANG: The second time! The second attempt on my life by this she-devil! Hold her still! No. No, I have a better fate for you! She will be the first morsel to feed my regeneration.
LEELA: (arms held by the COOLIES) Kill me any way you wish. Unlike you, I am not afraid to die.
WENG-CHIANG: We shall see. Bring the tigress here.
(The COOLIES place her in the chamber and fasten her in place while WENG-CHIANG starts to work the controls.)
WENG-CHIANG: At my camps, the extraction process was considered the most painful of all. They pleaded for anything but this.
LEELA: I shall not plead, but I promise you this. When we are both in the great hereafter, I shall hunt you down, Bent-Face, and put you through my agony a thousand times!
WENG-CHIANG: Silence the spitfire! (HO does so, with a gag) Now bring the other two hags here.

[INT. House of the Dragon, kitchen]

(The DOCTOR is directing town gas into the cover from the mattress.)
JAGO: It's leaking. I can smell it.
LITEFOOT: There's bound to be some escape.
DOCTOR: Not enough to worry about.
JAGO: I'm not worried, Doctor. I haven't been worried since you turned up. It's just that I'd hate to be gassed before seeing if this stunt works.
DOCTOR: Well, Greel won't keep us waiting long. He needs his protenoids.
LITEFOOT: His what?
DOCTOR: He's dying, you see. He's desperate. His body's fading away fast. He's trying to cheat death by substituting certain materials. Do you understand?
(The kidnapped GIRLS are now awake and cowering, confused.)
LITEFOOT: I think so. The principle, anyway.
DOCTOR: The principle's false, anyhow. All he achieves is a postponement of the inevitable.
JAGO: (in response to shouting outside) Ssshh.
DOCTOR: Lucifers, Professor. Quick, get over there. (quietly) Now listen, if we do manage to get out of here, don't stop running till you're a mile from this place.
(All present, men and girls, huddle together. Near the door, the DOCTOR strikes a match and sets light to the end of a rolled-up piece of paper, the other end of which is tucked beneath the mattress cover by the door. He then joins the others on the opposite side of the room.)
JAGO: Up troops and at 'em, eh, Professor?
(All wait, behind a table in the corner, as flames move toward the mattress. The doorknob rattles, there are a boom and flash, and the smoke clears to reveal that the door is open and no-one is in sight.)

[INT. House of the Dragon, outside the kitchen]

(COOLIES are lying on the floor, coughing.)
DOCTOR: (grabbing an axe) Come on, come on.
(The GIRLS make their escape.)
DOCTOR: This way.

[INT. House of the Dragon]

(As LEELA strains to get free, her captor gloats.)
WENG-CHIANG: Whatever it was, there can be no escape for you. Let the talons of Weng-Chiang shred your flesh!
(WENG-CHIANG pulls the lever, and the familiar shifting vapours start to form just as the DOCTOR bursts in.)
DOCTOR: Greel!
(His axe hits the device, initiating pyrotechnics. The DOCTOR runs to rescue LEELA, and WENG-CHIANG heads for the dragon.)
WENG-CHIANG: Kill, Sin! Kill them!
MR SIN: Oink, oink, oink.
DOCTOR: Come on, quick. Get down! Get down!
(LITEFOOT, JAGO, LEELA, and the DOCTOR dive behind an altar as MR SIN fires the weapon mounted in the dragon head. WENG-CHIANG hides behind the dragon. Everyone has taken cover, but MR SIN keeps firing enthusiastically.)
LEELA: I owe you my life, Doctor. Thank you.
JAGO: Time to thank him when we're out of this.
WENG-CHIANG: (from behind the statue) Doctor, I offer you a proposition.
DOCTOR: Not now, Greel. We're busy.
WENG-CHIANG: I will spare your lives, you and your friends, if you leave now.
DOCTOR: Well, that's very magnanimous of you, Magnus.
WENG-CHIANG: Then get up and leave.
DOCTOR: What, with your trigger-happy little friend out there? No, thanks.
WENG-CHIANG: I am offering you your lives, you fools!
DOCTOR: (sotto) We'd be cut down before we reached the door.
LEELA: (sotto) I think so too. He has no truth in him.
DOCTOR: (sotto) Let's see.
(The DOCTOR's head briefly appears, and MR SIN fires the energy weapon.)
DOCTOR: Ah. We're staying put, Magnus.
WENG-CHIANG: Then you'll die here, all of you.
DOCTOR: Well, you might die first, Magnus. You don't sound too well, and your food supply's halfway to Blackheath by now.
WENG-CHIANG: Sin, crack that bench away.
(The firing resumes, unremitting.)
LITEFOOT: If I only had a gun, Doctor.
JAGO: Or a catapult. I was a dab hand with a catapult when I was a nipper.
LITEFOOT: What is that weapon?
DOCTOR: It's a laser beam.
JAGO: It's a death ray.
(The table in front of the altar collapses.)
LEELA: (sotto) Doctor, they're diminishing our cover.
DOCTOR: (sotto) Push it over.
(They together tip the altar onto its side, and the DOCTOR runs off to the side of the room where WENG-CHIANG's vampiric machine sits.)
WENG-CHIANG: Hurry, Sin, hurry! There is little time left to me.
(HO and others come in. Before they have the chance to apprehend the DOCTOR's party, MR SIN guns them down, laughing. After killing them all, he continues firing.)
WENG-CHIANG: No, Sin, you fool! Stop! Stop! Obey me, Sin. Obey Greel, your master, I command you.
JAGO: Jiminy, I felt the heat of that one.
(LEELA points at a handgun on the floor, which belonged to one of the coolies.)
JAGO: No chance, my dear.
LEELA: He cannot fire at two objects at once.
JAGO: You mean one of us creates a distraction while you go for the gun?
LEELA: That's right. Me because I'm quicker.
(A laser blast blows a hole in the altar top.)
LITEFOOT: Another minute or so and we're done.
(The DOCTOR creates a distraction, with an axe throw. The axe lodges between the statue's eyes.)
JAGO: (jumping up) I say, I say, I say!
(MR SIN fires at him, and he falls. Meanwhile, LEELA grabs the handgun and hides behind a table to the side.)
JAGO: A funny thing happened to me... Has she got the gun?
(A shot rings out in answer.)
LITEFOOT: Hey! Who are you shooting at?
LEELA: Well, I've never fired one of these before.
(MR SIN turns the dragon eyes' attention to her hiding place.)
LITEFOOT: Got them rattled, anyway.
(WENG-CHIANG comes down the steps from the dragon statue.)
DOCTOR: It's no good, Greel. You're finished.
WENG-CHIANG: I can escape you, Doctor, as I escaped my enemies before.
DOCTOR: Greel, listen. If you activate the zigma beam, it'll be certain death for all of us.
WENG-CHIANG: Lies, Doctor.
DOCTOR: Listen, Greel. Greel, listen! The zigma beam is at full stretch. If you trigger it again, it'll mean certain collapse. You know what that means?
WENG-CHIANG: You can't fool me.
DOCTOR: There'll be a huge implosion, Greel, and you'll be at the centre of it! The zigma experiments were a disaster!
WENG-CHIANG: No, no, the zigma experiment was a success! A brilliant, total success!
(At the time cabinet, WENG-CHIANG notices the statue's eyes move toward him.)
WENG-CHIANG: Sin, Sin, what are you doing?
(We hear the homunculus start firing the lasers. WENG-CHIANG heads around to the side and then the back of the cabinet, where he ducks down as he speaks.)
WENG-CHIANG: I order you to-. No, no, not me. This is, this is mutiny, Sin.
(LEELA takes advantage of the distraction and runs into the centre of the room. She fires at the top part of the dragon. This seems to damage the weapon, and there is no more laser fire. It is now WENG-CHIANG's turn to step into the open. The DOCTOR charges him. After a tussle and a little bit of rolling around on the floor, the DOCTOR throws WENG-CHIANG into the extraction chamber. It takes only a short while for the clouds to fade again. LEELA runs up and stops just short of the form in the chamber.)
LEELA: Is Bent-Face dead?
LITEFOOT: Why do you call him Bent-Face?
(LITEFOOT reaches out to touch the shoulder in the cabinet.)
LEELA: Because it is. (stopping him) No, don't.
LITEFOOT: Why not?
LEELA: Because-
(LITEFOOT gives the cloak merely a touch, and it slowly collapses to the floor. There is nothing even remotely intact, let alone alive, inside.)
DOCTOR: Cellular collapse.
LITEFOOT: In all my years as a pathologist, I've never seen anything like it.
DOCTOR: Well, let's hope you never see anything like it again, Professor.
JAGO: But where was he from? Where did he go?
DOCTOR: He was a foe from the future, Henry. Look out, Leela!
(MR SIN has left the head of the dragon. He jumps down onto LEELA's shoulders. The DOCTOR simply lifts MR SIN down, holds the creature while it struggles, then throws it down onto the floor in front of him. MR SIN lies still, face-down. The DOCTOR reaches into a slit in the back of the homunculus's quilted jacket and pulls out a small pieces of electronics.)
JAGO: What's that?
DOCTOR: It's his fuse, Henry.
(The DOCTOR snaps it, then throws it to the side. His next move is to remove the key from the door of the time cabinet.)
LEELA: What are you doing, Doctor?
DOCTOR: I'm bringing the zigma experiment to an end.
(He sets the lozenge on the floor and steps down on it, hard. It shatters - only a pile of crystals remains.)
CRIER [OC]: Muffins! Get your hot muffins!
DOCTOR: Listen.
CRIER [OC]: Hot muffins!
DOCTOR: It's the muffin man. Come on. I'll buy you some muffins.
(The party start to make their way out.)

[EXT. Outside the TARDIS]

(LITEFOOT is musing as he eats his muffin in a foggy street. His other arm is in a sling now.)
LITEFOOT: And then, for example, I would say 'one lump or two, Miss Leela?', to which you would reply 'one will suffice, thank you'. Now, do you follow?
LEELA: Supposing I want two?
LITEFOOT: Oh, no, no, no, no. One lump for ladies.
LEELA: Then why do you ask me?
DOCTOR: Come along, Leela.
(LITEFOOT sighs, and he moves on ahead, with LEELA not far behind, chewing her own muffin. The DOCTOR and JAGO are next to the TARDIS. A bandage is visible around JAGO's head, under his top hat.)
LEELA: Professor Litefoot has been explaining to me about tea.
DOCTOR: Really?
LEELA: It's very complicated.
DOCTOR: No, it's not complicated at all. All you-. Look, I haven't got time to stand here discussing tea. Goodbye, Litefoot.
LITEFOOT: Goodbye, Doctor.
DOCTOR: It's been such fun. Henry.
(He shakes their hands, and he enters the TARDIS. LEELA steps inside as he speaks.)
DOCTOR [OC]: Yes, the important thing is just warming the pot.
LEELA [OC]: What pot?
DOCTOR OC]: Well, the tea pot.
LITEFOOT: What exactly is that contraption?
JAGO: Well, it's his personal transport. (gesturing) Look, 'Police'.
(We hear the trademark dematerialisation sound begin.)
LITEFOOT: Extraordinary.
JAGO: No doubt Scotland Yard provided it for him.
(The light on top of the police box is flashing, and the TARDIS now vanishes.)
LITEFOOT: I don't believe it!
JAGO: I've said it before, and I'll say it again - our policemen are wonderful.
LITEFOOT: But it's impossible, Henry, quite impossible.
JAGO: Good trick, eh? I venture the great Li H'sen Chang himself would have appreciated that.
(He gestures to the poster on the wall.)

The above notes, transcription, etc. by Anna Shefl

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