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First Broadcast 12th March 1999 as part of Comic Relief

1. Vortex

(The DOCTOR's TARDIS is drifting through the space/time vortex.)


(The MASTER is watching the image on his scanner and chuckling. The image switches to a behind view of the DOCTOR operating the TARDIS console.)

MASTER: You are doomed Doctor. Doomed! you are piloting your TARDIS into a deadly trap and even you will not suspect until it's too late.

(He breaks into manic laughter.)

DOCTOR: You know, if you're going to spy on me you really should turn the speaker off.

MASTER: My dear Doctor, after our many centuries of conflict I wished you to know that your certain death is now... certain!

(He breaks into manic laughter again and switches the scanner off.)

But even you will not suspect that your destruction awaits you on Planet Zaston IV.

DOCTOR (oov): You only turned the picture off I'm afraid, I can still hear you.

MASTER: I know that. Of course I know that. Curse you!

DOCTOR: (oov): I wanted to talk to you anyway. I have some news that even my arch enemy needs to hear. Meet me on the Planet Terserus in two hours, relative time. And try not to be late.

MASTER: Mock me while you may, Doctor. My revenge will be all the sweeter. And it will be a deadly vengeance. It will be the deadly vengeance of deadly revenge!

3. Terserus

(Terserus is a bleak, rocky planet. On the top of a cliff stands a castle.)

4. Main Hall

(The DOCTOR's TARDIS materialises inside the castle. EMMA steps out followed by the DOCTOR.)

EMMA: Where are we Doctor?

DOCTOR: The Planet Terserus, once home to the Terserons, the most kindly and peace-loving race I've ever encountered. And yet one of the most shunned and abhored species of all history.

EMMA: Why?

DOCTOR: They could communicate only by precisely mondulated gastric emission.

EMMA: Oh no. Planet of the bottom-burps? So what happened to them?

DOCTOR: They discovered fire.


(Suddenly two fireballs hit them and they are held back against the wall. The MASTER strolls on.)

MASTER: No doubt because no one has set foot on this planet for a hundred years, you thought you had escaped my traps. But you forget Doctor, I too have a TARDIS. When you told me to meet you at Castle Terserus, I simply travelled back in time and bribed the architect. Say hello to the spikes of doom!

(The wall revolves around in a full circle. However, the DOCTOR and EMMA emerge seated on a sofa.)

DOCTOR: Say hello to the sofa of reasonable comfort. Naturally I anticipated your journey back in time, and so travelled slightly further back and bribed the architect first.

MASTER: Or so you think! Naturally I anticipated your travelling back in time, so I travelled back to an even further point. And I bribed the architect first.

(He aims his laser at the ceiling just above the DOCTOR and EMMA and a huge piece of rock falls on top of them. However, they simply step out of a door in the side.)

DOCTOR: Well naturally I anitcipated your journey back in time to an even earlier point...

EMMA: Doctor, will you stop showing off. You've got something to tell the Master, just tell him.

DOCTOR: Very well. I have recently calculated that I have saved every planet in the known universe a minimum number of 27 times. Well you know, I have grown weary of all the evil in the cosmos. All the cruelty, all the suffering, all those endless gravel quarries. And so I have decided to retire, settle down and get married.

MASTER: What?!

DOCTOR: Yes. Without even knowing I was looking, I have found a woman I love. A woman more fascinating than all my travels through time and space. A girl more exciting than an escape up a vetilation shaft. A lover more thrilling than an army of cybernetic slugs.

MASTER: Sadly Doctor, I am unable to wish you a long and happy marriage because the moment I am done with this nausiating conversation I shall travel back in time once more and buy the architect an expensive dinner and suggests that he puts a lever just here...

(He clutches a convinient lever in the wall next to him.)

...and a trapdoor leading to the vast and disgusting sewers of Terserus, exactly there!

(He points to where the DOCTOR and EMMA are standing.)

Prepare for 500 miles of fear and feisies. Goodbye, forever, Mr and Mrs Doctor!

Transcribed by Joseph Oldham.



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