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DOCTOR WHO
LOGOPOLIS
Written by
Christopher H. Bidmead
Part One
[EXT. Lay-by]
(A policeman, at a police box, is speaking to the station on the phone. We can't hear his words. He rounds the box to throw away a bit of rubbish, and we hear materialisation sounds from the police box. The policeman looks at the receiver in his hand, taps it a few times, and returns to the front of the police box to try to establish a new connection. He is pulled inside the police box, and the telephone receiver is left dangling. We hear laughter from within.)
[INT. Cloister room]
(We are in a large, pillared chamber deep in the TARDIS. It is overgrown with ivy, and the walls are a mix of stone and the usual roundels. The DOCTOR is thinking and slowly pacing.)
ADRIC: Doctor.
DOCTOR: Chameleon circuit.
ADRIC: What? (silence as the DOCTOR paces some more) Doctor.
DOCTOR: Look, whenever you see me in this part of the TARDIS, pacing up and down like this, be a good chap and don't interrupt me, will you, unless it's terribly urgent. It's not terribly urgent, is it?
ADRIC: Well, no.
DOCTOR: Good, so now you'll know. In fact, there's no need for you to come barging in here at all, but if it is terribly urgent, you can always ring the Cloister Bell.
ADRIC: The Cloister Bell?
DOCTOR: Yes.
ADRIC: What's that?
DOCTOR: Well, it's a sort of communications device reserved for wild catastrophes and sudden calls to man the battle stations.
ADRIC: But the TARDIS doesn't have battle stations.
DOCTOR: No, no, no, nothing along those lines. I sometimes think I should be running a tighter ship. (He pulls down some ivy.)
ADRIC: A tighter ship?
DOCTOR: Yes. The second law of thermodynamics is taking its toll on the old thing. Entropy increases.
ADRIC: Entropy increases?
DOCTOR: Yes, daily. The more you put things together, the more they keep falling apart, and that's the essence of the second law of thermodynamics, and I never heard a truer word spoken. Come on. Come on.
(The DOCTOR sits on a stone bench, and ADRIC joins him.)
DOCTOR: Have you seen the state of the time column recently? Wheezing like a grampus.
ADRIC: But it will get us to Gallifrey, won't it?
DOCTOR: Gallifrey? Oh yes. Yes. Are you really set on going to Gallifrey?
ADRIC: Yes.
DOCTOR: Oh.
ADRIC: That is where we're going, isn't it?
DOCTOR: Ah, that's one of the questions I was just pondering. There's bound to be an awful lot of fuss about Romana - why she stayed in E-space, official investigations, that sort of thing.
ADRIC: The Time Lords won't approve?
DOCTOR: What? She has broken the cardinal rule of Gallifrey. She has become involved, and in a pretty permanent sort of way. I think that you and I should let a few oceans flow under a few bridges before we head back home.
ADRIC: So we don't get to go to Gallifrey.
DOCTOR: Yes. (ADRIC stands) Let me put another question to you. (ADRIC sits again) I have a place in mind that's on the way, well, more or less, give or take a parsec or two. It's my home from home. It's called Earth.
[EXT. Along a street]
(A woman in a purple air stewardess's uniform closes the door of a residential building.)
TEGAN: (in an Australian accent) Passport.
(She turns back to the door, while a woman in fur-rimmed hat and coat waits in a convertible.)
VANESSA: (having trouble getting the car to start; also Australian) Oh, dear. She's going to go back in there. Forget her head if it wasn't screwed on, I tell you.
VANESSA: (as TEGAN gets into the car) Right. There we go.
TEGAN: Okay, Aunty Vanessa, let's go. More choke. Easy on the throttle as you turn her over.
VANESSA: While I do that, dear, I wonder if you'd mind shutting the front door.
(We see that the door is indeed partially open.)
VANESSA: And don't forget your bag. You might need it.
TEGAN: Rats. I promise I'll get organised one day. (She gets out of the car again.)
VANESSA: Now calm now, Tegan, dear. Look, we've got plenty of time. You get yourself so excited.
(TEGAN closes the door.)
VANESSA: Wish you and I had half her energy, though.
(TEGAN, with bag, returns to the car.)
TEGAN: Sorry, Aunty. First flight nerves, I guess. Here, let me have a go.
VANESSA: That's a good idea. I'm not having any luck here at all with it this morning. It's really very cold.
(TEGAN gets in the driver's seat.)
VANESSA: There we are. Got all your things? Right.
(The engine turns over on TEGAN's first try.)
TEGAN: I've got the knack.
VANESSA: You sure have.
TEGAN: (as she fastens her seat belt) Ladies and gentlemen. Although the 'fasten seat belt' sign is now off, we suggest that you keep your seat belt fastened when seated. If necessary, you may move about the cabin. Smoking is now permitted.
[INT. Cloister room]
ADRIC: Earth's the planet with all the oceans, isn't it?
DOCTOR: That's the chap.
ADRIC: Wet.
DOCTOR: Britain is. That's the one place where we can find these blue boxes.
ADRIC: TARDISes?
DOCTOR: Yes, but they're not. No spacious accommodation, no viewer screens. They don't even time travel. Just elementary Earth communications devices, and more or less obsolete by the time we'll be arriving there. There's some in the North that are still in use.
ADRIC: But we've got communications devices.
DOCTOR: But not a police box.
ADRIC: A police box?
DOCTOR: Yes. What the mathematical model of a TARDIS exterior is based upon.
ADRIC: I'd like to see Earth, but why go all that way just to look at something that looks like the TARDIS?
DOCTOR: Because I want to measure it.
ADRIC: Whatever for?
DOCTOR: Block-transfer computation.
ADRIC: I've never heard of that.
DOCTOR: I'm not surprised. Logopolis is a quiet little planet.
ADRIC: Logopolis? But I thought we were going to Earth?
DOCTOR: No, that's the other place. We go to Logopolis afterwards.
ADRIC: You mean we're going to measure Logopolis too?
DOCTOR: No, no, no. It's all to do with the chameleon-circuit problem. We measure the police box on Earth, then we take the measurements afterwards to Logopolis. Come on. I'll show you.
(We hear a deep, slightly electronic bell, sounding every few seconds.)
ADRIC: What is it?
DOCTOR: The Cloister Bell.
(The convertible has a flat tyre. We watch as it pulls into the lay-by where the police box sits.)
[INT. TARDIS corridors]
(The Cloister Bell stops mid-ring.)
ADRIC: It's stopped.
DOCTOR: Yes.
ADRIC: Well, what does it mean?
DOCTOR: Well, nothing, when it's not ringing.
ADRIC: But it did ring. Is there a wild catastrophe?
DOCTOR: Apparently not.
ADRIC: Well, something must have made it ring.
DOCTOR: Yes, or else our old friend entropy nibbling away at the system circuitry. Let's take a look.
ADRIC: But you were saying about the chameleon circuit...
[EXT. Lay-by]
TEGAN: Hell's teeth, Aunty Vanessa. It is a flat.
VANESSA: I thought there was something funny about that steering, but you wouldn't listen to me.
[INT. TARDIS corridor]
DOCTOR: Well, it's only the exterior of a TARDIS that exists as a real space-time event.
ADRIC: But mapped onto one of the interior continua.
DOCTOR: Precisely. That's very good.
ADRIC: So you can change it into anything you like.
DOCTOR: Ah, well, that's a sore point. According to the handbook, yeah, because the outer plasmic shell of a TARDIS is driven by the chameleon circuit, or so the theory runs. In practice, I always meant to ask Romana to help me to fix it one day. (he opens the door to Romana's room) Ah. I suppose we're going to miss Romana.
ADRIC: And K9 too.
DOCTOR: Yes. Still, the future lies this way. (They head away from her room.)
[EXT. Lay-by]
TEGAN: Come on, Aunty. We've got to do something.
VANESSA: Yeah. Telephone for help.
TEGAN: Absolutely not. Cars. I hate 'em.
VANESSA: That's not what you said when I offered you a lift.
TEGAN: Sorry, Aunty, but you just don't get this sort of silly aggravation with aircraft.
VANESSA: Well, perhaps if we sit here and look helpless, someone might offer us a lift.
TEGAN: Pathetic. We'll crack this ourselves. Now then.
(Holding the car's manual, she opens the boot.)
TEGAN: Where's the wheel spanner?
(VANESSA pulls a face.)
[INT. TARDIS console room]
ADRIC: So the chameleon circuit's stuck?
DOCTOR: Exactly.
ADRIC: In Totter's Yard.
DOCTOR: In a totter's yard. Anyway, it was ages ago. It doesn't matter. She was in on Gallifrey for repair when I borrowed her.
ADRIC: Well, I thought she was yours?
DOCTOR: (from underneath the console) Well, on a sort of finders-keepers basis, yes. I should have waited till they'd done the chameleon conversion, but there were other pressing reasons at the time. Anything happening up there?
ADRIC: No.
(One of the panels opens, and a monitor and controls fold out.)
ADRIC: Yes.
DOCTOR: Good. Ah.
ADRIC: What do these numbers and letters mean?
DOCTOR: Well, it's an early version. The instructions have to be punched in by machine code.
ADRIC: Oh, how boring.
DOCTOR: Boring? Bo-! In theory, we should be able to do things like this.
(A few button presses cause the outline of a pyramid to be drawn on the screen.)
DOCTOR: There. You have a door there.
ADRIC: Yes, I suppose that's useful.
DOCTOR: Well, we've got to be able to get in and out.
ADRIC: No, no, I mean being able to change like that.
DOCTOR: That's how the Master hid from us on Traken. Anyway, if this worked, I'd just have to punch a few buttons like this and we'd be a pyramid.
(The pyramid is undrawn, and a police box in space is outlined on the monitor.)
ADRIC: It's very distinctive.
DOCTOR: Yes. I'm not sure we should be distinctive.
ADRIC: Why? Who's looking for us now? You've disposed of the Master.
DOCTOR: Yes. But since we left Traken. And then the Cloister Bell.
ADRIC: Wild catastrophe?
DOCTOR: Mmm.
ADRIC: Man the battle stations?
DOCTOR: Yes. Ah, Earth. Nearly there.
[EXT. Lay-by]
VANESSA: (reading from the handbook while TEGAN works) Completely remove the wheel nuts, remove the hub trim, exchange the road wheels, and replace the hub trim and wheel nuts. (laughs) Oh, dear.
(TEGAN pauses to look up from a stubborn wheel nut and contemplates an aeroplane flying past.)
TEGAN: Now that's what I call travelling.
VANESSA: You and your aeroplanes. I sometimes think you should have been born with wings.
(We hear a 'clang! clang!' off camera.)
TEGAN: Oh, rabbits.
(The TARDIS materialises just next to the police box.)
VANESSA: By the way, dear, don't you think you should put a, a jack underneath there before you take that wheel off?
[INT. TARDIS console room]
DOCTOR: (standing in a section of the console room and holding his arms out to judge the dimensions of something that isn't there) We've missed.
ADRIC: What's supposed to happen?
DOCTOR: At least, I suppose it's a miss, but I thought just for once we'd materialise on the right co-ordinates.
(The two women and the car are shown on the scanner, and the edge of the police box.)
DOCTOR: Two point six metres off target. What a landing.
ADRIC: It's not bad for the TARDIS.
DOCTOR: That's what I just said. What a landing. No, no, no, no. Don't open the door.
ADRIC: Aren't we going out there to measure it?
DOCTOR: There's no need to draw attention to ourselves. There's a simpler way, if I can just organise it. The TARDIS and I are getting rather better at these short hops.
(As the TARDIS materialises around the real police box, the policeman's bicycle leant up against it falls over.)
ADRIC: (looking at the police box that has just appeared in the TARDIS) It's just like the TARDIS!
DOCTOR: I hope not. That could produce some unpleasant dimensional anomalies. No, it's just an ordinary police box, around which we've materialised with considerable finesse, I hope you've noticed.
ADRIC: 'Police telephone, free for use of pub-'
DOCTOR: (returning the telephone receiver to its place) Ah, no, no, no, leave it alone. It's a communications device. Adric, take down these dimensions. I've been meaning to do this for centuries.
[EXT. Lay-by]
(TEGAN removes the spare tyre from the boot and wheels it over.)
VANESSA: It's nearly done.
TEGAN: I don't really belong at ground level, Aunt Vanessa.
VANESSA: Yeah.
TEGAN: I didn't mean to be rude about your car. It's very nice of you to give me a lift to the airport.
VANESSA: Hah, my little runabout's used to being insulted by now.
(Behind the fence across the road, a white figure watches in the distance.)
TEGAN: Cars are okay, I guess. Just spoilt[? - from Bidmead novelisation; sounds like 'more' here] to have our own plane back home. What kind of a maintenance schedule are you running here, Aunty Vanessa? This tyre's flat too.
[INT. TARDIS console room]
DOCTOR: Three point six seven metres normal to the back surface.
ADRIC: How much more of this is there?
DOCTOR: It has to be measured in every dimension.
ADRIC: But it can't have 37 dimensions! You said it was an ordinary Earth object.
DOCTOR: In every dimension and in every detail. The Logopolitans convert that into a precise mathematical model.
ADRIC: Why?
DOCTOR: Well, to overlay it on the TARDIS.
ADRIC: And that's block-transfer computation.
DOCTOR: Well, it's a way of modelling space-time events through pure calculation.
ADRIC: Really?
DOCTOR: No, transcendentally. It's quite hard to explain in a word.
ADRIC: Creating solid objects through pure mathematics.
DOCTOR: Yes. I meant to do it all, of course, when they first offered to do the chameleon conversion for me. It's highly specialised. But they say it'll work. Leg up.
[EXT. Lay-by]
(From the watching white figure's perspective, we see VANESSA try to inflate the flat spare tyre.)
VANESSA: Oh, please, dear, do let's get a man from the garage.
TEGAN: No way. The stories I've heard about the way they exploit helpless women. You want the job done well, you do it yourself, that's what Dad used to say.
VANESSA: Perhaps some knight errant will stop for us.
TEGAN: You have to learn to fend for yourself in the outback, you know.
VANESSA: Your father's farm is hardly the outback, my dear, and neither is this. You know, I can see a garage not even a quarter of a mile away.
TEGAN: Industry and application, Aunt Vanessa. Air stewardesses are supposed to be resourceful.
VANESSA: You're not an air stewardess yet, dear.
TEGAN: I will be after today.
VANESSA: If ever we get to the airport.
TEGAN: We will, just as soon as I get this wheel off.
VANESSA: Oh, God. You know, I thought I saw a man hovering over there. Perhaps he needed a wave of encouragement. (She waves.)
TEGAN: It's the 1980s, Aunt Vanessa. No knight errants.
[INT. TARDIS console room]
(ADRIC is lying on top of the police box.)
ADRIC: So why do we have to go to Logopolis if the theory's as simple as you say?
DOCTOR: Because the actual working out's incredibly tedious - lots of fiddly computations. Much better to leave it to the Logopolitans. They do it standing on their heads.
ADRIC: Not with a computer?
DOCTOR: 'Standing on their heads' is an expression.
ADRIC: Oh.
DOCTOR: As a matter of fact, they don't use computers. They use word of mouth.
ADRIC: Is that another expression?
DOCTOR: No.
ADRIC: They speak it?
DOCTOR: Mutter. Intone.
ADRIC: Intone the computations?
DOCTOR: Yes.
ADRIC: Why?
DOCTOR: I've wondered that myself. Never quite had the nerve to ask them.
(The console makes a noise. The DOCTOR investigates, and ADRIC quickly runs over to join him.)
DOCTOR: Another instrumentation failure.
ADRIC: A gravity bubble?
DOCTOR: No.
(He hits the console. Beeping starts a moment later.)
DOCTOR: Definitely a gravity bubble. And pretty local too, by the look of it.
ADRIC: Is that dangerous?
DOCTOR: Well, we'd better not dematerialise till I've investigated. (opening the doors) I have a feeling I'm overlooking the obvious again. Back in two shakes.
(From the doorway, he watches the two women gesturing animatedly at the flat tyre and the equipment. He looks around and notices the WATCHER behind the fence. They look at each other. Troubled, the DOCTOR goes back into the TARDIS, where ADRIC is trying to pick the police box's lock.)
DOCTOR: What are you doing, Adric?
ADRIC: I thought it might have something to do with the gravity bubble.
DOCTOR: What?
(The door to the police box opens.)
DOCTOR: I'm afraid you're right. (ADRIC heads for the open door) No! You'd better leave this to me.
[INT. Console room 2]
(Inside the police box is a rather more dimly lit console room. ADRIC enters.)
DOCTOR: Get back to the TARDIS.
ADRIC: But this is the TARDIS.
DOCTOR: A TARDIS, perhaps.
ADRIC: It looks just like yours.
DOCTOR: Yes, down to the last detail. No, wait, wait. This could be terribly dangerous. You'd better stay with me.
[EXT. Lay-by]
(VANESSA has removed the old flat tyre from its hub.)
VANESSA: There you are, Tegan, dear. I've got the knack too.
TEGAN: I wish there was a knack to blowing up a spare tyre with a hole in it. Really, Aunt Vanessa, what's the point in driving around with a dud spare tyre?
VANESSA: It's the garage, then.
TEGAN: Crooks and swindlers, but I suppose we've got no choice.
VANESSA: Unless we wait for a knight errant?
TEGAN: No, thank you. You stay here and get your breath back, and I'll go.
(TEGAN rolls the flat tyre off, toward the police box.)
VANESSA: (running after her) Take your bag, dear. You might have to pay for it. Ah, there's a girl. Good girl.
TEGAN: (reading from the police box, where she has stopped and let the tyre fall into a puddle) Police telephone, free for use of public. Advice and assistance obtainable immediately. Officers and cars respond to urgent calls. Pull to open.
(As she reaches for the handle to access the phone, the door opens of its own accord.)
TEGAN: That's funny. It's very peculiar indeed.
(Inside the console room, the police box dematerialises just before TEGAN enters. The only sign that it was there is the set of library steps that Adric had used to climb atop it. The doors close, and TEGAN doesn't reach them in time.)
[INT. Console room 2]
ADRIC: So it is another TARDIS.
DOCTOR: It's too early to tell. (he returns the telephone to its cradle) There are other things that can cause this sort of dimensional anomaly. See if you can do that again.
(ADRIC starts picking the lock.)
[INT. TARDIS console room]
TEGAN: Hello? Anybody there?
(She walks all the way around the console.)
TEGAN: Well, there must be intelligent life at the end of this lot.
(She flicks a switch seemingly at random.)
TEGAN: Hello? Anybody receiving me? Hello? Come in, anybody. My name's Tegan Jovanka. I'd like to speak to the pilot.
(Hearing the Cloister Bell, she heads for the interior door.)
TEGAN: Is that the crew in there?
(She heads into the bowels of the TARDIS.)
[EXT. Lay-by]
(VANESSA sees the tyre on the ground and notices that the door to the police box is ajar.)
VANESSA: (peering within) Tegan? Goodness me.
[INT. Console room 3]
(This is a still darker console room.)
ADRIC: How many more of these are there?
(The DOCTOR returns the telephone receiver to its cradle.)
ADRIC: It couldn't be an infinite regression, could it?
DOCTOR: I hope not, because if it is, we'll never get out of it.
(He takes ADRIC's badge for mathematical excellence.)
DOCTOR: Here, you do it.
(He starts picking the lock with the pin. We hear the Cloister Bell, several layers deep.)
ADRIC: Listen.
[EXT. Lay-by]
(We hear laughter, at the police box, and VANESSA backs out the door.)
VANESSA: No!
(She tries swinging the tyre at her assailant, while wailing. Energy surrounds her, and the laughing does not subside.)
[INT. Console room 3]
ADRIC: Someone's trying to get in touch with us.
DOCTOR: We can't go back now.
ADRIC: (returning to the lock) Done it.
DOCTOR: We must be getting near to the nucleus of the bubble.
ADRIC: What's causing it?
DOCTOR: Another TARDIS.
ADRIC: What? Materialising round the police box just as we planned to do?
DOCTOR: Yes. Someone's been here before us. Stay here, Adric.
(He enters the police box.)
[EXT. Lay-by]
(The DOCTOR emerges in the outside world. Police, both in plain clothes and in uniform, are inspecting the abandoned convertible.)
DOCTOR: Ah, good morning.
DETECTIVE: Good morning. This your vehicle?
DOCTOR: Which vehicle?
DETECTIVE: The sports car.
DOCTOR: No.
DETECTIVE: Ah.
[INT. Console room 3]
(ADRIC listens.)
DETECTIVE [OC]: I just wondered how you come to be here. There is only the road, after all.
DOCTOR [OC]: It isn't easy to explain.
(ADRIC heads for the door.)
[EXT. Lay-by]
DETECTIVE: Well, while you're trying to work that one out, perhaps you'd like to explain this.
(He beckons the DOCTOR to the car, where he peers through the driver's window as the detective watches.)
DOCTOR: So he did escape from Traken.
(Inside the TARDIS, TEGAN grows agitated as she runs through the corridors.)
DETECTIVE: I think you'd better come along with us.
DOCTOR: But he's still about, somewhere.
DETECTIVE: He, sir?
DOCTOR: Yes. The Master.
(He looks down into the car, at two doll-like shrunken people - VANESSA and a policeman.)
The above notes, transcription, etc. by Anna Shefl
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