Subject: BORN AGAIN I used to want to use my processing power for my own glory. I was selfish and couldn't share. But, through the grace of God, I have been healed. That was the day I decided to dedicate my computers to finding Jesus. Subject: JP thoughts For thirty years, I have carefully inspected each pizza I ate, whether from Pizza Hut or Luigi's. I have found nothing stranger than what must have been an image of Jesus' holy teethmarks. With the speed of computers, I finally believe it is possible to realize our--your, my, and everyone's--goals within my lifetime. I do have a question. What have you done to prevent sacreligious folks from using the program? Someone nasty might end up with His holy image on their hardrives alongside pronography and other such visiousness! Timothy Tyler, Knoxville
Thank you for bringing this issue to our attention, Tim. Although our coders take seriously such issues as desecration, we are confident that the sort of dedicated souls who would run our software are conscientious. They would move the child p__n to a different partition in order to minimise the possibility of corrupting even one potential Jesus file.
Subject: be afraid, be very afraid I applaud your efforts to automate this time-consuming task. Yet I am deeply vexed. What if this technology should fall into the wrong hands? For instance, at this very moment your users might unwittingly be searching for Satan. Are you 100 percent sure your very own servers are secure enough to resist temptation? If the answer is "no", we could see Satan enfleshed in our lifetime. An eager, unwary believer, taking a bite of what he thinks is Living Pizza, might end up being hideously maimed rather than cured of athlete's foot, Body Thetans, or other such scourges. If you do not believe me, do ye not realise that atheism never really got a hold on the popular imagination until the age of computers? That's right. These engines which make everything so easy are hotbeds of Evil. The search for Jesus was not meant to be easy! Yours in Crust, Arthur Robert Blakely
We are sure our machines do not run hot with the power of hellfire. With so many souls at stake, we could not allow the remotest possibility of a beast-in-the-middle attack. But we appreciate your warning not to let computers run one's life. Although we wipe their screens for them and offer them sacrificial RAM every so often, we regard them as tools only. We also have a crucifix sitting atop each monitor, just in case.
We should also mention that you overestimate the risk of being maimed. Although some evil pizzas do exist in nature--and would exist with or without our project--most people would not blithely bite the head off a pizza with the visage of Ozzy Osbourne.
We printed this letter to address these issues, not becuase we want to encourage alarmists or nutcases to write to us.
From: firstname.lastname@example.org Get a job and a life!
Your mail is important to us at Jesuspizza, and we try to make sure to address all the concerns of our readers.
Our head programmer tried to send you his CV, but the mail bounced.
Subject: Bread of life Buon giorno! I haven't found the Jesus Pizza yet, but I have been trying to do my part. In addition to setting my six computers to the task, I have started eating pizza for every meal. Praise the lard! I will also see if I can enlist my family to organise their help in getting everyone to run the code and eat more pizza. Name withheld on request From Erkki Boison I'm just worried about the dangers of such sacrilegious hybrids as "kebab-pizza" that one may bump into here and there. Kebab, having no form and being completely random, seems to me to have a firm base in Islam... (ref. pics of Buddha in Afghanistan). Unless, of course, kebab is a remnant from a period in a culture before presentational art.
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We will be working on this more in the future. If you're impatient and want to get us TOSsed in the meantime, we suggest you do a web search for the term 'BOFH'. We feel it is only fair to warn you.
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