Weird news anagrams

These are anagrams of names in weird news stories that have been featured in Anna's News Clippings.

The most recent news items are at the top.

But first, a general summary of many of the items:
A stupid criminal = ID a split cranium.


The setting for one of those stories about losing a mobile phone that contains evidence of illegal activity is Krasnodar, Russia, where a road worker found a phone containing several images of locals Dmitry Baksheyev and Natalya Baksheyeva posing with the dismembered body of a woman they'd started arguing with during a drinking session. One picture showed a cooked human head on a platter with mandarin oranges.
The images prompted a raid on the couple's accommodation at the military academy where they worked. According to state news agency RIA Novosti, authorities found a bag of remains, 19 samples of human skin, video lessons on cooking human meat, and jars of pickled human body parts. Baksheyeva told the authorities that there have been at least 30 victims over the past 18 years.
The couple, who are thought to have attracted at least a few of their victims via online dating sites, may have sold some of the meat to others, such as those providing food for student pilots at the military academy. Restauranteur Vitaly Yakubenko told Komsomolskaya Pravda that Baksheyeva "kept asking everything about meat, whether I wanted to buy it cheaper".

A smorgasbord of anagrams, using various valid transliterations of the names:
Dmitry Baksheyev = "Very meaty dish! BK?"
Dmitry & Natalia Baksheev = Any vile dark meat habits?
Dmitry and Natalia Baksheyev ~ hid sneaky meat variant badly.
Dmitry and Natalia Baksheev of Russia = Aviators: If man shank, surely a bad diet.

On the time they spent with their victims:
Dmitry & Natalya Baksheev = Talk & nab a very meaty dish.

Sean Haller is a 39-year-old man who had probably been told many times that it isn't healthy to drink alone, or perhaps he just wanted company. Either way, this Stewartstown, Pennsylvania, man dragged two 12-packs of beer into a woman's home and sat down. He refused to leave, doing so only unwillingly when the woman had the police come calling. The intoxicated Hall was thrown in the county jail to await charges such as criminal trespass. Officers reported that he had paid a similar visit to another woman's home earlier in the day.

Sean Haller = Hell, an arse!

According to a police report from New Albany, Indiana, 37-year-old Michelle Nelson sent husband Timothy to fetch doughnuts from a local shop. They didn't have the type she prefers, so he returned home empty-handed. This did not sit well with her: she opined that he should know what other types she likes, given their long-term relationship, and she emphasised her frustration by lunging at him with a grill fork. He ran from the building with the fork embedded in his chest. When the police arrived, a blood-soaked Timothy was applying pressure to the wound. He was taken to hospital, and Michelle was charged with aggravated battery.

An anti-gram:
Michelle Nelson = Slice men? Hell, no!

Silly men - e.g., ~ Lim Lye Seng

Singapore's Straits Times reports on Lim Lye Seng, 60, who is alleged to have sabotaged seats on public buses on at least four occasions over the summer. He is accused of sticking toothpicks in seats, three toothpicks each, with the pointier end up, so that commuters would prick themselves. Charged with four counts of mischief, he recently told the court that he plans to plead guilty and hire a lawyer. He could face a year or more in jail.

Responding to a complaint about an unresponsive person in a vehicle parked near a pond, police officers in Mahwah, New Jersey, found 74-year-old Richard Haskell sleeping in his car with a clear bottle of alcohol between his legs. He was awakened, failed a field sobriety test, and then was released to await a visit to court. When Haskell drove to the station a few hours later (just after noon) to see when his car would be released to him, he was greeted with a second sobriety test. He now faces two charges of driving while intoxicated.

Harsh: Car killed ~ Richard Haskell

If you're going to snort cocaine off a smooth, glassy surface, it might be best if that surface isn't the iPhone you're holding while in a public place. Christina Hester, of Fort Myers, Florida, now knows this. That's because of her decision to use some of the drugs in her handbag while in the queue of parents waiting to collect their children at the end of the school day. The school's police resource officer saw this, and Hester, 39, was arrested.

In re. trash ethics:
Christina Hester

Christina Hester = Cretin (share this!)

In Manchester, Connecticut, doctors detected unusually high lead levels in a nine-month-old baby's blood, which prompted local public-health authorities to investigate the cause. The girl had not eaten flakes of lead-based paint from windows in her home; the source was much more accessible to her. She had been using a homeopathic "healing bracelet" as designed, chewing on it to ease teething pain. Spacer beads in the bracelet, which her parents had bought at a local fair, were found to have a lead content of 17,000 parts per million, somewhat above the legal limit of 100 ppm. Efforts to locate the maker of the bracelet were unsuccessful.

Healing bracelet = Begin lethal care

According to AP reports, Florida businessman Jose Lantigua and his wife told several people that he was suffering from "mad cow disease" and planned to visit Venezuela for treatment. He indeed proceeded to visit Venezuela, where he obtained a fake death certificate, which his wife then helped him use to file insurance claims. The 63-year-old Lantigua was later caught in North Carolina when trying to apply for a passport under an assumed name.
He has now been sentenced to 14 years in prison, for charges that include bank fraud and identity theft, and his wife has received five years of probation for her part in the illicit dealings.

Jose Lantigua = A jail guest, no?
A tongue jails ~ Jose Lantigua

Mississippi's Roger Logan lost about 60 kilos after doctors told him that he was overweight. This required quite a bit of effort: once physicians recognised that the problem with his belly was actually a tumour - one that reached the floor when Logan was seated - they deemed surgery too risky. Unlike the armchair-ridden Logan, his wife didn't take this news sitting down, and he was soon headed to a California operating room, with his armchair bolted to the floor of a cargo trailer.
After completing the operation successfully, Dr Vipul Dev reported that the tumour probably began its life as an infected ingrown hair that started to develop its own blood supply more than a decade ago.

Roger Logan = Go on, larger!

An accidental phone call to emergency services in Danville, Kentucky, meant that dispatchers learned the details in real time as Robert Bourne and David Grigsby discussed their plans to rob a barbecue restaurant.
Inside Mike Sutherland's busy eatery, police chief Tony Gray soon pushed back his chair and entered the car park, where the two would-be robbers were sitting in a vehicle. The men were arrested only for public intoxication - Gray doesn't believe they had any real plans to go through with the robbery. Nonetheless, Sutherland has made clear that Bourne and Grigsby are now former regulars at his establishment.

Robert Bourne & David Grigsby = An absurd robbery... Do get driving!

And, on his own,
Robert Bourne = No robber, true.

Pacheco Bustamante has landed himself in trouble with the police. Driving a nearly police-issue-looking Ford Crown Victoria, he turned on a siren and pulled a motorist onto the motorway shoulder in Florida. The vehicle he chose was driven by a detective, who was able to detect rather swiftly that the 46-year-old Bustamante wasn't a traffic cop and that Bustamante's "service weapon" was a BB gun. When busted, Bustamante mentioned that he has played traffic cop before.

Pacheco Bustamante = A beat cop's chum - neat!
Pacheco Bustamante = That anus "became" cop.

Responding to a bomb scare at Grande Prairie's Bell Tower Plaza shopping centre, at least eight Royal Canadian Mounted Police officers with long guns converged on the site, where the cause of alarm - a gas-mask-wearing man with what appeared to be explosives on his back - then entered Hoa Hugnh's shop. Hugnh was serving the armoured visitor when officers rang and asked him to evacuate the premises. They then confronted the man, who turned out to be a costumed devotee of the video game Fallout. The "bomb" was a set of silver-painted Pringles tubes. Hugnh explained that the cosplayer had entered Lynn's Alterations simply to get measurements taken. The Alberta man responsible for the fuss was released from custody without criminal charges.

As the authorities converged on the scene...
Laser instantly on ~
Lynn's Alterations ~
in story Anna tells.

When Montana's Gilbert Kalonde was applying for a state fishing licence, the Walmart worker handling the transaction asked him to state his profession. Kalonde responded by showing the worker his Montana State University identification card. When the licence was issued, it did not list him "Assistant Professor of Technology Education"; his occupation had been recorded as toilet-cleaner.
Describing this database entry as exposing him to "hatred, contempt, ridicule", Kalonde has filed a libel suit for unspecified damages in Gallatin County District Court.

Doctor Gilbert Kalonde = Broken-toilet gold card?

Gracie Henderson, from New Caney, Texas, didn't have a plunger when her toilet became clogged. Rather than resort to ringing a plumber, she tried to clear the blockage by hand. She hadn't removed her wristwatch first, however, and soon resorted to ringing the emergency services to report that it had caught on something in the bowels of the toilet. While her neighbours looked on and videoed the proceedings, firefighters removed the commode from its fixings and carried it outside. A little force from a sledgehammer then freed Henderson's arm.

Gracie Henderson = Goner's reached in...
Gracie Henderson ~ chose genre: "drain"
Gracie Henderson = Er, done searching?

Esthela Clark is a 47-year-old Florida woman who allegedly paid to have a woman smuggled into the US from Mexico to serve as a surrogate mother. Instead of the medically supervised procedure that the Mexican woman expected, she apparently received syringefuls of Clark's boyfriend's semen, collected from used condoms. She was fed a beans-only diet and forced to do domestic chores while Clark waited for signs of pregnancy.
Court documents state that after these impregnation efforts failed, "Clark forced Y.L. to have sex with two complete strangers through threats of force and coercion". Two years after the woman entered the US, one of Clark's relatives intervened and the police became involved. Clark faces up to 20 years in prison.

Esthela Clark = Shackle alert
Esthela Clark = Take her calls!?

Brandi Worley is a 30-year-old Indiana woman whose husband told her that he wanted a divorce. She didn't like the idea that he might end up with custody of her seven-year-old son and three-year-old daughter. She later summarised the resulting decision thus: "I did not want him taking them, so I stabbed them." As she told a 911 operator, she stabbed herself too, because she wanted to die with them. She survived; they did not.

Brandi Worley = Bile and worry
Brandi Worley = Worry? Blade in!

An administrative court in Bavaria has banned 23-year-old German porn star "Natalie Hot" from moaning in her home in the small town of Ampfing. The ban comes after neighbours complained that her "brothel which is hidden behind webcam activities" was disturbing the peace (it seems that her neighbours weren't mollified by her offer of holding a swingers' party for them).
Responding to her question "everyone in the street can work from home, but it is forbidden for me to do so?", the court answered "yes", in part because she was running a "full business" from a residential property. She is shooting her material elsewhere for the moment but has plans to take things further and then return. Her husband, Christian Lehle, described plans to print a full-sized nude photo of her on the family car.

Attain hole:    Natalie Hot
Natalie Hot = Oh, neat tail!

Thanks to a Freedom of Information Act request, we now know more about Colin Nathaniel Scott's college-graduation trip. While his sister Sable filmed him with her mobile phone, the 23-year-old Portland, Oregon, man tested the temperature of a thermal spring at Yellowstone National Park to determine whether it would make a good place for them to bathe (signs assure visitors that it would not). He tripped and soon had his bath, in the boiling water of a highly acidic geyser. In the words of ranger Lorant Veress, "In very short order, there was a significant amount of dissolving". No remains remained on the following day.

Colin Nathaniel Scott ~ is in lethal contact, no?
Colin Nathaniel Scott = LOL at his innocent act.
Colin Nathaniel Scott = Clinch attention also
Colin Nathaniel Scott = "Hot!!" isn't cancellation

William Edwards left an Orlando strip club in the wee hours and got into his pickup truck. Bouncers said that they then tried to stop him from driving on account of his heavy drinking. The vehicle itself was more successful in this regard: when Edwards tried to drive away without fully closing the door, he fell out and it ran over his leg. The Florida Highway Patrol reports that the 28-year-old Edwards fled the scene on foot while his pickup truck rolled off toward a ditch and then crashed into a nearby home, causing minor injuries to a woman who had been sleeping.
Investigators said that they later contacted Edwards, who had left his driving licence at Dancer's Royale, and he turned himself in.

Dancers Royale = Seedy, or carnal.
Dancers Royale = See racy Orland-
Dancers Royale = Record. Analyse.
Dancers Royale = Already crones!
Dancers Royale = A "Nearly scored!"

Japan's Space World theme park came under fire recently for acting on its idea of freezing 5,000 shellfish and other aquatic animals into the floor of an ice-skating rink, which managers explain was intended to teach youngsters about marine life. Some complained also about how the sea creatures, obtained from a local fish market, were portrayed in advertisements; for instance, captions included "I am d... d... drowning, s ... s... suffocating". Melting added to the outrage as blood began seeping into the ice and some fish started protruding from the surface.
Space World manager Toshimi Tekeda responded that the park has been closed for the moment and that the skating rink will be unfrozen for removal of the fish, which are to be given an "appropriate religious service" and then used as fertiliser.

Space World = Crowds pale.
Space World ~ slowed carp.
Space World, Japan = A "cold prawns" jape

Toshimi Tekeda = Hokiest IdeaTM
Toshimi Tekeda = I do the mistake.
Toshimi Tekeda ~ makes the idiot.

Florida's Daniel Frederick Rushing, 64, had just taken a neighbour for chemotherapy and was preparing to drive a friend home from work when he was unfortunate enough to get pulled over for speeding and to have a "rock-like substance" found on the floorboard of his car. Rushing later said: "They tried to say it was crack cocaine at first, then they said: 'No, it's meth, crystal meth.'" The officer's report settled on "I recognized, through my eleven years of training and experience as a law enforcement officer, the substance to be some sort of narcotic".
Since two field tests indicated the presence of amphetamines, Rushing was strip-searched and rushed to jail. He remained there for several weeks, until a state crime lab determined that - as Rushing had insisted - the substance was pastry glaze, from a Krispy Kreme doughnut. It is unknown whether the officer's experience in law enforcement conferred any familiarity with this substance.

Daniel Frederick Rushing
= Hid, er, sugar. In clink. Freed.
= Refined-drug inhaler. Sick!
= Held in nick. ID: sugar. Freer.
= Infer hidden sugar-licker

Holland's Alexander Pieter Cirk fell for a Chinese woman he met via a dating app on his phone. After growing frustrated with the distances involved, he decided to obtain a visa and air tickets to visit her, and he sent her a photo of his flight details. When he arrived in Changsha, however, she wasn't there to meet him, so the 41-year-old Cirk remained at the airport. Ten days later, his health began to flag, and authorities took him to a local hospital.
According to Chinese state broadcaster CCTV, a local television station tracked down the woman, who explained that she'd thought him joking about making the journey. She added that she hadn't been able to reply to his post-arrival messages because she'd been scheduled to have plastic surgery. The woman allegedly expressed hopes of maintaining her long-distance relationship with Cirk.

Alexander Pieter Cirk
= Experience dark trail
= Rice Trek. "Explain, dear."

Alexander Pieter Cirk ~ cared. Air trip, Kleenex.

Alexander P. Cirk = Relax, drink, pace

Outside a Walmart store in Oregon, rancher Robert Borba heard a woman shouting: "Stop him! He stole my bike!", so he decided to help. He let his horse out of its trailer and rode over to the thief, who appeared to be finding the bicycle gears problematic. The thief gave up on the bike at this point and took off on foot. Borba had only to lasso the man around the legs and return to the scene of the crime. He explains that he "just rode off like I would if I'd roped a cow or something by myself" and then waited for the police to arrive.

Robert Borba = "Robber, abort!"

Orange County, California, Superior Court judge Scott Steiner has been taken to task by the Commission on Judicial Performance for various ethics violations, including presiding over a case involving an old friend and repeatedly having sex with two of his former law students, one a practising attorney and the other an intern, in his court chambers. Prosecutor Karen Schatzle failed in her bid to unseat him and now agrees with the conventional wisdom that running against a sitting judge is "career suicide". The latest step in her 24-year career at the District Attorney's office involves filing papers.

Scott Steiner
= It's not secret.
= "Resist not!" etc.

Scott A. Steiner
= Erection stats?
= See tort antics
= Test reactions.
= So near tits etc.
= Cronies attest...

Would this be a quadruple-entendre?
Scott A. Steiner ~ to taint recess

In the climax of an argument, Florida construction worker Erick "Pork Chop" Cox decided to dump a front-loader's load of dirt on the site supervisor, 57-year-old Perry A. Byrd. Because Byrd therefore couldn't move, Cox was able to collect another load to deposit on Byrd, leaving more than half of the boss's body buried. While a co-worker was ringing the emergency services, Cox started beating Byrd in the head with a two-metre-long aluminium level.
The 32-year-old Cox later told authorities that he'd accidentally buried Byrd's leg in dirt upon bumping the bucket-control lever when reaching for his keys.

Or, if opinions are divided (his boss apparently isn't perfect either):
Erick A. "Pork Chop" Cox = Prick/cock? Hero? A pox?

He has a bit of a criminal record, so this too might fit:
Erick A. "Pork Chop" Cox = Pickaxe porch crook

Having filmed several employees of the town of Boscotrecase, Italy, leaving work after clocking in and/or swiping absent workmates' time cards, police arrested 23 city workers. One video shows a man, after attempting to disable the security camera, placing a cardboard box over his head and then swiping two cards. A third of the town hall staff are under investigation, including the head of the traffic police and the chief accountant.
Mayor Pietro Carotenuto stated that he has had to shut down most city offices in the wake of the arrests. The effect of this on the amount of work actually done is unclear.

Pietro Carotenuto = Iterate poor count
Mayor Pietro Carotenuto ~ meant "Your poor ratio" etc.

Late on a rainy night, witnesses rang the Los Angeles Sheriff's Department to report two people fleeing the scene of a home burglary in a convertible. Their attempts to put the convertible's top up while in motion were unsubtle and unsuccessful, and officers soon had the relevant stolen Ford Mustang in their sights. In the ensuing chase, the suspects wedged their way past a tour bus while throwing a burger at its driver. One spike strip and some sparks later, the convertible came to a halt. The two men, 20-year-old Herschel Reynolds and 19-year-old Isaiah Young, stepped out and began taking selfies with bystanders.
Dennis Zine, who has been with the Los Angeles police force for 47 years, later said: "I have been involved in a lot of pursuits, but I haven't seen anything quite like that. The high-fives at the end were ridiculous."

Isaiah Young = "You again!"ish.

Oregon's Shannon Egeland was given a 10-year prison sentence for orchestrating large-scale mortgage fraud as vice-president of Desert Sun Development. The day before he was due to report to federal prison, he was wounded in a "random" roadside shooting that required his leg to be amputated. It later emerged that he'd ordered his teenaged son to shoot him, in order to delay the sentence and benefit from a disability-insurance policy. Shannon, 41, has since pleaded guilty to federal charges of willful failure to pay child support and conspiracy to commit wire fraud. The latter included lying to the insurance company about his arrest record, which runs the gamut from the mortgage fraud, at tens of millions of dollars, to $9 in shoplifting.

Shannon Egeland from Oregon ~ ran, on one leg. Feds: "Hang, moron!"
Oregon's Shannon Egeland = "Gonna shed one leg!" Son ran.

Michael Banks, a 27-year-old man from Morro Bay, California, decided to climb a cliff to record himself proposing marriage to his girlfriend. Afterward, he "took a different trail down, much steeper", according to Captain Todd Gailey. A helicopter was called in, and a rescuer climbed down a cable to rescue Banks from the sheer ledge. He began acting erratically a short while later, was ascertained to be high on methamphetamine, and was thrown in jail for possession of said substance. Neither he nor his girlfriend was available for comment.

Michael Banks = Manic, he balks.
Michael Banks = Blackish name

There weren't enough crab legs to go around at Royal Buffet, in Manchester, Connecticut. This led to a confrontation between customers in the buffet queue, which escalated quickly into a fight in which someone punched a 21-year-old man in the face and knocked one of his teeth out. His mother, who responded with pepper spray, is deemed to have acted in self-defence. The same cannot be said of his assailants, husband-and-wife attack team Clifford and Latoya Knight - ages 45 and 38, respectively - who between them have racked up two charges of disorderly conduct and one each of assault and threatening.

Clifford & Latoya Knight = Can a food fight kill? Try!
Clifford and Latoya Knight = All-in food fight. Darn tacky.

In the US state of Georgia, David Pressley thought it would be a good idea to empty a rifle at a lawnmower stuffed with three pounds of explosives. The 32-year-old Pressley gradually approached his target while shooting. At 25 metres, it exploded and sent a piece of shrapnel into his leg. Pressley, who now has only the upper part of the leg, was surprised by this outcome. In a video of the incident, he helpfully exclaims: "I blew my leg off!" His friends created a tourniquet for him and summoned medics. He is expected to recover.
Neighbour Lydiah Mays, who wasn't concerned by the gunshots but was fazed by the explosion and scream, said: "You would've had to be on drugs or something to think it was a good idea to play with that and try to blow up a lawnmower." Her "that" refers to the target-practice mixture Tannerite, whose safety instructions advise, among other things, not to "shoot targets larger than 1 pound unless it is required due to extreme long-range competition."

Georgia's David Pressley = Red display aggrieves so!
Georgian David Pressley = Rapid "leg is very gone". Sad.

And, possibly an anti-gram in this case:
Tannerite = Entertain!

Driving while intoxicated, Florida's Frank Martello ran into another vehicle near a junction. Both vehicles stopped. Rather than give the other driver his insurance details, the 68-year-old Martello crossed the other lanes of traffic solely to throw a beer bottle at him. Having done so, Martello started walking back to his car. He didn't notice an oncoming vehicle and was killed on impact.

Frank Martello = Freak man-troll!

There are limits to what a person is allowed to buy with food-stamp debit cards. Nicholas Jackson found this out when trying to make a purchase from a Florida car dealer. The next night, someone stole the $60,000-tagged BMW X-6 that Jackson, 36, had tried to buy with food stamps. Also missing were the keys to 60 other vehicles. According to the Martin County Sheriff's Office, Jackson was found and arrested with the car after it ran out of petrol - he didn't have money to fill the tank. He has been charged with grand theft auto.

Nicholas Jackson = No cash - jack, nil - so...

Damon Perry and Christopher Paquin were watching a The Walking Dead marathon in a Grants, New Mexico, flat when the 23-year-old Perry detected signs that Paquin was turning into a zombie. Perry proactively lobbed a microwave oven at Paquin, hit him with an electric guitar, then stabbed and kicked him until the potential zombie had stopped moving. A short while later, two maintenance workers found a knife-wielding Perry chasing a woman around the building. They held him down until the police arrived.
Paquin died and did not come back to life. Charged with murder, Perry later explained that substantial amounts of alcohol had been consumed.

Damon Perry    had   random prey

Shortly after extolling the virtues of cryotherapy to local media outlets, Las Vegas salon owner Chelsea Ake-Salvacion entered her salon's cryotherapy chamber for a quick visit at the end of the work day. For the 24-year-old Ake-Salvacion, the low temperatures did not produce medical benefits. Her body was found about 10 hours later, roughly 10 hours after she perished.

Chelsea P. Ake-Salvacion = A "panacea" evokes chills.

Cryotherapy?       Yeah, or crypt.

A woman contacted the police to complain about seven porn videos that her husband had purchased online. The videos came from Florida's Leigh Felten, 31, who had posted teasers on YouTube alongside the comment "New unlisted vids for a donation. Please support a single mommy and email [address]". In the videos, one of them titled "Mommies a whore", she smeared oil on her naked body and that of her 18-month-old son while breast-feeding him. At Felten's Tallahassee home, the police found another video, in which she rubs her crotch against the boy's chest during breast-feeding. She has been arrested on charges that include cruelty toward a child and promoting sexual performance by a child.

Ms Leigh Felten = Filth. Men's glee.

Because a hand-written "8" in a donor code resembled a "3", Midwest Sperm Bank erroneously impregnated Jennifer Cramblett with a black man's sperm. A partial refund was not enough for her and her partner, Amanda Zinkon, who live in predominantly white Uniontown, Ohio. Cramblett filed suit against the company last year for the costs of counselling and relocation to a more ethnically diverse community, explaining that she suffers from "stress and anxiety" even when thinking of daughter Payton having to attend an all-white school. The lawsuit states that simply getting the now three-year-old girl's hair cut "is not a routine matter": Jennifer "must travel to a black neighborhood, far from where she lives, where she is obviously different in appearance, and not overtly welcome".
Judge Ronald Sutter has thrown out the lawsuit, explaining that Cramblett erred in alleging wrongful birth and breach of warranty against providing bad tissue or blood. He told her that she can file suit again, under a negligence claim.

Midwest Sperm Bank, USA = Er, bad spunk swim-teams?

Rhode Island's Kevin Maynard used to work at a cemetery. He took care of veterans' gravestones when they became damaged. However, his interpretation of "take care of" was closer to "take home for household projects". The engravings were quite visible on some of the repurposed markers when investigators got wind of this. Maynard, 59, is accused of stealing 150 gravestones and using them for, amongst other things, foundations for a shed and two garages. The Department of Veterans Affairs have announced that he has agreed to plead guilty to one count of theft of government property.

Kevin Maynard ~ in mad knavery
Kevin Maynard = Man irked Navy
But probably not
Kevin Maynard: A very kind man

Police in Panama City, Florida, describe a case in which restaurant worker Caleb Joshua Halley, 33, and colleague Orlando Thompson, 26, started arguing about how much spice belongs in a gumbo. The argument over gumbo spices ended with Thompson slashing Halley across the torso with a knife. This proved fatal. Thompson is being charged with manslaughter.

Orlando Thompson = Oh, land's top moron

David Staples was celebrating US Independence Day at a house in Calais, Maine - with fireworks, indoors. The 22-year-old Staples had been drinking when he decided to place a reloadable mortar tube on his head and set it off. A spokesman for the Maine Department of Public Safety, Stephen McCausland, said that "his friends thought [they had] dissuaded him from doing it, and the next thing they knew, he ignited the fireworks and he was killed instantly". His brother later said that he'd been goofing off and thought he was dealing with a dud.

David Staples = Splat advised.
David Staples ~ lived (past). Sad?
David Staples = Add "Psst... Alive?"

Pamela Marie Laich agreed to work with the Altoona, Pennsylvania, police as an undercover informant. Instructed to buy five bags of heroin from the target of the investigation, Laich returned with only three. When told that she would have to return the drug task force's money if she couldn't make the full purchase, she replied that she must have dropped the other two bags. Escorted back to the purchase location, she palmed the "missing" bags from her pocket.
The content of all five looked "flaky" to officers. There was no need to wait for the test results confirming this: Laich's mobile phone contained text messages from the seller about Laich replacing the heroin with dry baby food during the 20-minute purchase encounter.
It was unclear what Laich had done with the heroin until an officer saw her "digging at her vagina" in the holding cell, then eating the heroin from within. One item in the catalogue of charges against her is tampering with evidence. No charges have yet been filed against the seller.

Pamela Marie Laich = "I'm cheap, a lame liar, ..."

Daniel Anglin, a 19-year-old man from San Bernardino, California, broke into a flat but ran off when a resident confronted him. His next attempted crime was a carjacking beside a nearby school-bus stop: naked, he tried to take a vehicle by force, but its driver fought him off. He then walked through a junction and tried with a second vehicle. This time too, he met with no success. The authorities soon arrived, and Anglin apparently attempted to stead a squad car. He was then subdued by Taser. A list of charges is being compiled.

We aren't sure why he was naked...
Daniel Anglin = Alien landing?

A judge in Texarkana, Texas, offered 20-year-old Josten Bundy a choice: spend 15 days in jail for assaulting his girlfriend's ex-boyfriend or wed her, write lines (which consisted of Bible verses), and attend counselling. He chose the latter option.
The bride's father is looking into possible charges of judicial misconduct, and the bride lamented that she didn't even have a white dress for her nuptials. The judge was not available for comment.

Josten Bundy = Just by end, no?

Police in St. Petersburg, Florida, found an abandoned stolen car that contained items belonging to 18-year-old Carnell Eugene Butler. These included papers from his arrest in June for car theft. The police contacted the young man and informed him that they had found his personal items. When Butler showed up to collect them, in his pocket were the keys to a third stolen car, which he'd driven to the police station and left parked a block away. At Butler's home, officers identified a fourth stolen vehicle, a bicycle.

Mr Carnell Eugene Butler = Mr Bungle, a cell returnee.

John Wesley Rose applied for a position as a sheriff's officer in Michigan. He completed the first stage of the process without incident, but the 25-year-old Rose had less luck in the second phase. By that time, his arrest warrant from Kentucky had been entered into a national database, and a background check revealed that he was wanted on charges of rape, sexual abuse, and sodomy. Rose was arrested after being summoned to sign the final employment application.

John Wesley Rose = Now joyless here

Houston's Racquel Thompson has left her four young children unattended in her flat many times rather than accept child-minding help from her boyfriend's mother, who lived in the same building. The most recent time, the goal of her driving (without a licence) was for her boyfriend to pick up a pizza and prescription medicine. The result is summed up by what the two three-year-olds later told investigators: one of the children placed 19-month-old J'Zyra in the oven, they made it hot, and J'Zyra kicked from inside for a while. The baby did not survive.
Unable to reach Thompson ever since leaving the three-year-olds with her upon losing his job a few months ago, their father (also possibly J'Zyra's) came to the home three days after the incident. He hopes they can be released to him from foster care.
Thompson has a replacement child on the way.

Racquel Thompson = Quench torso, palm, ...

Matthew Riggins rang his girlfriend to tell her that he'd soon be breaking into homes in Florida's Barefoot Bay area. Sure enough, locals soon reported seeing two men in black skulking about, and the girlfriend received another call: Riggins and his accomplice were being hunted by dogs and a helicopter. This police search proved fruitless, but 10 days later, in late November, a partial corpse was found floating in an area pond. It belonged to the 22-year-old Riggins, as did material in the stomach of the alligator that officers encountered while recovering the corpse.
Of the apparent ill-fated attempt to hide in the water, the police's Major Tod Goodyear said that this is a first in his career.

Matthew Riggins ~ gets in maw, right?
"Gater Swim Night" ~ might ingest raw ~ Matthew Riggins.

It seemed like Gregory Miller's lucky day. This 55-year-old man found a Coors Light delivery truck that had been left running at a petrol station in Columbus, Georgia, so he made off with it. His elation lasted until shortly before he crashed the beer lorry into a fence at a restaurant, with police in pursuit. He got out to make a run for it, but he did so without putting the transmission in Park. The vehicle ran over his leg, leaving him with a severe ankle injury. When released from hospital, he is to face charges of "eluding police" and theft by taking a motor vehicle.

Georgia's Gregory Miller = Lager. Rise more groggily.
Gregory Miller from Georgia = Lager rig, or "my leg-room grief"

Someone in Wayne County, New Jersey, rang the emergency services to report that a woman was being assaulted in the car park of Mother's Ale House. That someone was Hayley Oates, 25, who had been drinking at another area venue, where a police officer had been parked until the 911 call. She wanted to drive away worry-free while intoxicated. Of course, officers found no assault in progress, but they did later find this Facebook post from Oates: "lmao.. 2 mins later the cop peals out.. silly piggies tricks r for u." She has been arrested for filing false reports to law-enforcement officers and causing false public alarm.

Hayley Oates = Yes, tale ahoy!

Park authorities in Gothenburg, Sweden, had a tricky task on their hands: in response to complaints, removing the outline of a penis drawn in the snow on the thin ice of an area lake. The cleaning company who rose to the challenge used a very-long-handled brush to obscure the shape.
When more than 3,000 people campaigned for the return of the phallic outline, the cleaning company's Emilian Sava wrote online: "I want to say that I am sincerely sorry to see that this many people miss the snow penis [...]. I am trying to figure out the best way to re-create a big and lovely snow penis in the memory of the old one." He and his colleagues completed their new mission with industrial snow-blowers.

Emilian Sava = Salami-naive

You may be familiar with the "Duct Tape Challenge" youth craze, which involves rapidly freeing oneself, on video, after others have liberally applied duct tape. Skylar Fish, 14, enjoyed this game so much that he decided to have another go. His friends wrapped him in tape while he was standing, and he became disoriented. He lost his balance and fell into a window frame. This left him with an aneurysm and damage to an eye socket. Medics gave him 48 staples to treat the injuries.

Duct Tape Challenge = Clutch teenaged pal.

Skylar Fish = Flashy risk

Donald Pugh, 45, is an Ohio man who was wanted by the police for drink-driving and in connection with crimes such as arson and vandalism. He didn't like his "Wanted!" photo so sent the police a better one, in which he was wearing a broad smile. It was because of the new photo that someone was able to alert the cops to Pugh's whereabouts. He has been arrested in Florida.

Donald Pugh = Ugh - odd plan.

Malachi Love-Robinson has a history of dressing up as a doctor, and last February Anna's News Clippings reported on him doing so at a Florida hospital. No charges were filed then. Upon turning 18, he upped his game, setting up his own medical clinic, with which he claimed to be a registered physician. He rented space at a building used by doctors near West Palm Hospital, and thus New Birth New Life Holistic and Alternative Medical Center & Urgent Care was born.
After a tip-off led to his arrest for both practising without a medical licence and stealing cheques from an 86-year-old patient, Love-Robinson said that he was "deeply saddened and a little disrespected" by the charges.

Malachi Love-Robinson = So, conman, ill behavior

Reuters reports on 21-year-old Dustin Taylor's decision that the police were the best people to contact for removal of his handcuffs. He and his wife had lost the key after "doing some kinky things" the previous night. The police obliged Taylor, visiting his Fort Smith, Arkansas, home to remove the handcuffs, but Taylor was soon wearing a proper, police-issue pair: a routine search for Taylor's name in a police database revealed an outstanding warrant for his arrest.

It's randy lout ~ Dustin Taylor!
Dustin Taylor: ~ Also, dirty nut ~ in adult story.

Knowing that they were both intoxicated, Wisconsin thirty-somethings Jason Roth and Amanda Rose Eggert wanted to do the responsible thing when they needed to get home with their 11-month-old baby. Therefore, they gave their pickup truck keys to their nine-year-old daughter and asked her for a ride home. Police were soon responding to a call about an erratic driver. The adults have entered a "not guilty" plea with the Polk County court to charges of recklessly endangering safety and neglecting a child.
Eggert also faces charges connected with fisticuffs - she had cut her hand while snowmobiling earlier in the day, then started a fight with the paramedics.

Amanda Eggert ~ managed great!

...By any other name...

The not-so-ladylike lawyer in the following story has recently been using the name "Ava Everheart". This anagram would seem to fit rather well:

Ava Everheart = Rave, rave, hate!

When Kent and Jill Easter arrived at their son's Irvine, California, school to collect him from after-school tennis lessons, he wasn't in his usual spot. The class's volunteer supervisor, PTA president Kelli Peters, suggested that perhaps he had been slow to queue up afterward. The couple, both lawyers, took this as a dig at the boy's intelligence, so they decided to get back at her. Over the next year, in 2010-11, they claimed that Peters had caused the boy to have anxiety attacks by leaving him unattended for extended periods, accused her of stalking the family, and finally planted drugs in her car.
The last of these played out with Kent using a fake Indian accent to report "drugs, all over the place" in Peters's car. Officers worked out that the call had been made from near Kent's law firm and that the drugs bore the Easters' DNA. Kent's licence to practise law has been suspended, and now-ex-wife Jill has been disbarred. Together, they must pay the equivalent of five million euros in damages.
After the ruling, Peters said: "I wouldn't have gone this far [with court proceedings etc.] had they said they were sorry. This was [...] about standing up to people that pick on other people."

Sean Robert Garcia is accused of stealing cheque books at the house of two people in Tampa, Florida. The 19-year-old man allegedly rang the pair of victims shortly after the theft: posing as a Lieutenant Brown investigating the case for the police, he told them that matters were in hand and that there was no need to report anything. However, the victims had already made a report, and a sheriff's officer had been in the process of interviewing them when Garcia placed his phone call. He has been charged with petty theft and impersonating a law-enforcement officer.

Sean Garcia = Casing area    (or perhaps    Scaring area)
Aberrations grace ~ Sean Robert Garcia.
Sean Robert Garcia = Got a career? Brains?

The police were summoned to a bar in Apopka, Florida, where a four- and a two-year-old child had been left unattended in a vehicle. As an officer with a body camera approached, the children's mother, 35-year-old April King, emerged from the bar and returned to the vehicle. There, she had the four-year-old boy blow into the breath-test unit that her husband had had installed in the car after her time in rehabilitation.
The husband, Doug King, said that he does not plan to bail her out of jail, explaining: "I think this is the best thing for her. Rehab hasn't worked and she hasn't learned anything from it."

April King, of Florida ~ for Parking Fail idol!

According to Florida's Bradenton Herald, 18-year-old Ashley Miller has been arrested in connection with activities she engaged in at her grandmother's house. During an investigation into transmission of harmful material to a minor, officers found incriminating images on her mobile phone, of a woman being pleasured by a pit bull. The accompanying police report stated: "Mrs. Miller was [later] interview [sic] and Mrs. Miller confessed that she had the canine perform oral sex on her 30 to 40 times" over the last five years and that she'd engaged in similar activities with her previous dog. Miller has been charged with two counts of misdemeanour sexual activities involving animals.

Ashley Miller = All slimy here

Speaking for the Houston police, Jodi Silva reports on a 19-year-old Texas man who decided to take a social-media selfie photo while holding a gun. She says: "A witness told police he was taking a selfie with a gun and the gun accidentally discharged." Deleon Alonso Smith, with his cousin at the time, managed to shoot himself in the throat and died later from the wounds.

Deleon Alonso Smith = Shot, one man dies. LOL!

He's not laughing anymore himself:
Deleon A Smith = Death. No smile.
Deleon Alonso Smith = Most headlines: "Loon"

Connecticut's David Pope wanted to help the homeless man he saw pushing a cart of cans and bottles down the street. Pope grabbed the 77-year-old man by the arm and insisted on taking him home to have a meal. At Pope's home, the man received food and a dog bite to the leg.
After the older man, who was not, in fact, homeless, was able to leave Pope's home undetected, he rang the police from his own residence to make a complaint about Pope's dog. Once the animal was under control, an apparently intoxicated Pope explained to officers that he'd assumed the other man was homeless. The charges against Pope include second-degree kidnapping and interfering with the duties of an officer of the law.

David Pope = Vapid dope

If you get stuck in traffic on the way to the airport, you might not want to try Matteo Clementi and Enrica Apollonio's approach. Finding the Ryanair gate for their flight back home from Malta closed, these twenty-something Italians forced open a security door at the neighbouring gate and ran onto the tarmac. They waved their arms to catch pilots' attention, in hopes of being allowed aboard. Instead, they were arrested and fined 2,329 euros.

Italy's Matteo Clementi and Enrica Apollonio
= La idea: "I am not on a plane. It's not in the air. Collect me."

Matteo Clementi = Cite late moment.

A 32-year-old Brooklyn man complained to the police about the spiritualist he'd first visited in 2013 for help with unrequited love. After his first visits to her, "psychic" Priscilla Kelly Delmaro explained that she needed diamonds to protect his energy. A spirit was stalking him, bringing bad luck in love. The next step was to conduct a fake funeral ceremony in order to fool the spirit into thinking him dead. The man later paid for a bridge to trap the spirit in another realm. And for reincarnating the object of his affections after he learned that she'd died. Out of money after giving her the equivalent of 550,000 euros, he complained to the police. The 26-year-old Delmaro and her companion, 27-year-old Bobby Evans, have been jailed on charges of grand larceny.

Priscilla Kelly Delmaro ~ plays all like crime lord.
Priscilla Delmaro = Claim ripe dollars.

In 2010, Spain's Maria Ángeles Durán laid claim to the sun, pointing out that the UN Outer Space Treaty rules out "national appropriation" but not ownership by individuals. While she hasn't begun the promised billing of users of solar energy, she did, in 2013, commence eBay sales of square-metre plots of the sun, accompanied by ownership documents. After she had sold 1,000+ solar plots, eBay closed her shop page for breach of the site's rules against selling intangible goods.
Arguing that the sun is tangible, she responded by suing eBay for breach of contract, and a Spanish court has now agreed to hear the case.

ID a "real" sun-manager:     Maria Angeles Duran

She also is an "unrealised anagram" who is measuring land area.

Emily Titterington was a mildly autistic teenager from Cornwall whose phobia of using the toilet sometimes left her avoiding defecation for extended periods. Her family tried to address her bowel issues by such means as homeopathy. These did not help: she ended up dying from a heart attack caused by constipation after having gone three months without a bowel movement. At a recent inquest, paramedics described arriving at the 16-year-old Titterington's home to find her "vomiting faeces" and with a "grossly extended abdomen". One stated: "Her lower ribs had been pushed out further than her pubic bone - I was shocked." They had visited earlier in the evening in response to pain between the girl's shoulder blades, but she'd refused to go to hospital.

Emily Titterington = Toilet entry timing...

Levi Charles Reardon is a 24-year-old Montana man who was arrested after using Facebook's Like button.
When an acquaintance mentioned that Reardon's photo was on the Great Falls / Cascade County Crimestoppers Facebook page, Reardon read the relevant post listing him as one of the area's most wanted criminals and decided to "like" his mug shot. He has since pleaded not guilty of felonious forgery.

Levi Reardon = An evil record
Levi Reardon = Evildoer ran.

Dominyk Antonio Alfonseca handed a Virginia bank teller a note that read "I Need 150,000 Bonds Right NOW!! please / Police take 3 to 4 minutes to get here, I would appriecate if you Ring the alarm a minute after I am gone... make sure the money dosen't BLOW UP on my way out. :-)". The teller obliged. The 23-year-old Alfonseca was arrested, with a gym bag full of money, not long after he posted his mobile-phone video of the incident online. He later protested that asking for money isn't a crime.

Dominyk Antonio Alfonseca
= In "I take no fancy loans!" mood

Dominyk Alfonseca = Confined okay. SLAM!

Ethan Earl Nickerson, 26, decided to hold his girlfriend and her three children hostage at knife-point at her Highlands County, Florida, home over an undisclosed disagreement. They did agree on one thing: they were hungry. So the girlfriend, Cheryl Treadway, convinced him to let her use a Pizza Hut ordering application on her mobile phone. Her order for a hand-tossed classic pizza with pepperoni included further instructions, in the comments field - "911 hostage help". The Pizza Hut outlet contacted the police, and Nickerson was arrested.

Florida's Cheryl Treadway, ~ held, craftily orders away.

Ethan Nickerson = No kitchens near?

When class pictures were ready in Batavia, Ohio, 13-year-old Sophie Thomas "checked it to make sure I didn't look dumb or anything [and] saw that they had removed the word from my shirt, and I was insanely upset". While the "FEMINIST" top doesn't violate the school's dress code, principal Kendra Young explained to reporters, she had wanted to minimise controversy, since some might find the word offensive. She has since apologised for the decision.
School superintendent Ralph Shell, who claims that Thomas and her parents both had consented to the removal, said: "This particular photograph not only had the word 'feminism' in the front row very plainly could be seen, but there was also some young men in the background that were doing not appropriate things with their hands. So the principal made the decision to airbrush the word "feminism" and the hands out."

Sophie Thomas = Photo amiss, eh?
Sophie Thomas = Soothe mishap?

When Dennis Norman stopped at an Oakland Park, Florida, petrol station in the wee hours, he noticed that the clerk sitting on the other side of the window was asleep. After watching the snoring man for a minute or so, looking at the CCTV camera, and making a certain rude gesture, the 25-year-old Norman proceeded to pull the shop's chest freezer full of ice-cream products slowly away from the wall. In a 15-minute process, he pushed it past the sleeping clerk and out the door. Norman was arrested about four hours later. The fate of the ice cream is unknown.

Dennis Norman ~ and snorin' men...

Pedro Ewing is charged with pulling a gun on a Pennsylvania off-licence clerk and demanding money, ostensibly to help his children. In addition to the equivalent of about 60 euros from the till, he swiped a bottle of Gentleman Jack whiskey, then returned it to the shelf in order to grab a larger bottle of the same drink, labelled with twice the price. Yes, the 42-year-old Ewing's fingerprints were obtained from the abandoned bottle.

Pedro Ewing = Gin-powered?

In Canada, Heather Arlene Carr died in a pagan ritual. The 40-year-old British Columbia woman had lit a fire within an arrangement of rocks at a local park at night, then become caught in the resulting blaze. Summoned by a passer-by, Kamloops firefighters created an opening in the base of the rock structure in order to extract Carr and convey her to hospital. Three firefighters too were hospitalised, to be treated for smoke and dry-chemical inhalation.
The next day, Carr's husband posted to her Facebook page Being Pagan Out of the Broom Closet: "Heather passed away yesterday from severe burns suffered in a ritual gone horrifically wrong."

Heather Arlene Carr = Relearn hearth care!
Heather Arlene Carr = Cheer her near altar

A 26-year-old pregnant woman responded to a Craigslist advertisement posted by Dynel Lane, a Colorado woman offering baby clothes for sale. Upon entering Lane's home, the pregnant woman was beaten and stabbed in the belly. Lane removed the unborn child and claimed later, to her husband and at an area hospital, to have suffered a miscarriage.
At the hospital, the baby was pronounced dead and Lane, 34, was arrested, with the exact charges still under discussion. The formerly pregnant victim was found in Lane's home and responded well to surgery.
Police are on the lookout for any other women who may have responded to Lane's advert.

Dynel Catrece Lane = Cell-area tendency

In St. Petersburg, Florida, 25-year-old Troy Earl Smith fell from his bicycle. Witnesses' statements and surveillance video footage from a business along his route indicate that this happened because he'd shot himself in the chest by accident. The shooting was actually performed by the handgun in his jacket pocket. Smith was later pronounced dead at a local hospital.

Troy E. Smith = I'm the story.
History met ~ Troy E. Smith.

Charged with breaking a 1986 Florida law requiring HIV-positive people to disclose that status before engaging in sexual intercourse, Gary Debaun argues that he is innocent on account of same-sex sex acts not being considered sexual intercourse under state law. A circuit judge agreed with Debaun's argument but was overruled by an appeals court on grounds that the state clearly intended to cover all sex acts in the relevant law, no matter what definitions other Florida laws might apply. The case has now reached the state's highest court for a ruling.

Gary Debaun = A gay bed-run

Australia brings us Robin George Knight, a 45-year-old funeral-home director who has pleaded guilty to about a hundred counts of theft and deception. After persuading people to sign pre-paid funeral contracts with his company, he faked their deaths. More than 70 of them. The insurance money went toward his business costs, among other expenses. Knight is to spend three or more years in jail, and at least 38 of the not-really-dead customers are out of pocket, with the insurance company refusing to honour the contract when they really do die.

Robin Knight = Thinking "Rob!"

In Torpoint, Cornwall, Derek Nash found an invoice for the equivalent of 20 euros in his five-year-old son Alex's school bag. The boy had chosen to visit his grandparents instead of attending a schoolmate's birthday party at a ski centre, and the invoice, passed on by a teacher from the other child's mother, was for the "no-show". Nash, who explains that he hadn't known how to contact the birthday boy's mother to report his son's cancellation, has refused to pay the amount, and action is pending in small-claims court. Meanwhile, the birthday boy no longer plays with Alex at school.

Derek Nash = He's narked.

According to UPI reports, Michigan bakery worker Ruben Giovanni Gramajo is charged with putting the wrong kind of nuts in granola-bar mix. The deed was caught by security cameras and the Hearthside Foods quality-control system. Gramajo, 22, later told the police that he'd put nuts and bolts in the mix in order to "get a break from work". He has his wish: at least for now, he isn't to set foot near his employer's facilities. He is being charged with placing harmful objects in food, a felony in this case.

Ruben Giovanni Gramajo = Given marijuana bong or ...?
(Dunno what else might have led him to consider this a good idea)

A report from the US National Transportation Safety Board on last year's crash of a light aircraft near Watkins, Colorado, states: "Contributing to the accident was the pilot's distraction due to his cellphone use while maneuvering at low altitude." The pilot, Amritpal Singh, 29, had been sending text messages, but also selfies were involved. Both he and his passenger, Jatinder Singh, died in their brief night flight.
The goings-on during the pilot's jaunts earlier in the day, with various passengers, were caught by a GoPro camera pointed into the Cessna 150K's cockpit. It captured images of the pilot and passengers taking numerous photos of themselves, sometimes even flash photos, and at least once the pilot was talking on his mobile phone while flying.

Amritpal Singh = Man's air plight

The California State Medical Board has ruled that urologist Charles Coonan Streit committed "an extreme departure from the standard of care" by relying on memory in his removal of a kidney from a federal inmate. The 59-year-old prisoner ended up with his healthy kidney excised and the cancer-affected organ still inside his body. A second surgery has been performed, and Streit has been placed on three years' probation.

Charles Coonan Streit = As in "heals"? Not correct.
Charles Coonan Streit = Slash. Incorrect toe? "Darn."
Charles Coonan Streit ~ errs. Act's ethical no-no.
Dr Charles Coonan Streit ~ sent accidental horrors.
Dr Charles Coonan Streit = So "Incorrect Hands" alert!

"Wrong-side surgery" is often a result of hurry, encouraged by staff shortages and a penny-pinching environment:
Wrong-side surgery = Greed's worrying us.

Caroline Cartwright received a jail term for violating the four-year Anti-Social Behaviour Order forbidding her from screaming and making other loud vocalisations during sex. She responds that she has no intention to comply, saying that "that's what you should be doing [...]. It's not as if I'm having sex and think 'Oh, I'm making too much noise. I'd better be quiet.'"
The problems began when Cartwright and her husband moved into terraced housing and promptly began treating their neighbours to the sound of the iron headboard of their bed banging against the wall. That ended when the bed broke. The police have visited more than 30 times since then to tell the couple to be quieter.

Caroline Cartwright = Can it, girl! (cow, rather)

Heather Cho, a vice-president of Korean Air and daughter of its boss, was resigned from responsible positions at the company after she delayed a flight on account of "service standards" while flying as a private passenger: Before the plane left New York for Seoul, she had berated a flight attendant for serving her macadamia nuts in a bag rather than on a plate. The incident ended with Cho ordering the plane to return to the terminal and having the chief flight attendant ejected for supporting the junior attendant.

Heather Cho = Oh, teach her!
It appears that someone may well have done just that.

Dwayne Fenlason, of Pomfret, Vermont, drove his pickup truck off the road, so he went home to get his other pickup truck, for towing the first out of the ditch. The second pickup too ended up off the road. On his third try, the 40-year-old Fenlason went home for his all-terrain vehicle. He didn't make it to the scene that time. At the time of his arrest, he had a blood alcohol level of 0.30 per cent.

Dwayne Fenlason = Wend safely anon?

In Harrison, New Jersey, Christopher Russell was cold and just wanted to go home, to the town of Newark. In a decision possibly influenced by his drunkenness, he decided to solve the problem by stealing a vehicle. The vehicle he chose was a bulldozer, which the 30-year-old Russell first tried to manoeuvre through a park. This resulted in the loss of some signs, a drinking fountain, three benches, two steel bollards, and a tree. He eventually left the park and added a car to his tally. When officers caught up with him, he had parked the construction vehicle in a street and was trying to climb out.

Christopher Russell = Roll, crush, "Shit!" spree
Christopher Russell = His plot lurches, errs.

This reminds me of another recent parking incident. Anthony Philip Whiteway was fined for driving an aircraft through a small town in western Australia, including a stop at the local pub.

Anthony Philip Whiteway = Oh, why within a plane? Pity.


In Longmont, Colorado, Paul Felyk, 35, managed to fall through a vent on the roof of a department store at the weekend, landing within the walls two metres below. On Monday, employees heard someone yelling but couldn't work out where the sound was coming from. On Tuesday, they found Felyk yelling through a hole in the wall, so they contacted the authorities. Firefighters sawed into the side of the building to free him, according to local media. After being taken to hospital for leg injuries, Felyk explained that he'd fallen while trying to cut the power to the building and thereby prevent intruder alarms from going off.

Paul Felyk = Fluky leap!

Emerald White, whose four pit bulls killed her neighbours' beagle, Bailey, is suing those neighbours for a million dollars. The Texas City woman explains that she was "seriously injured" when trying to retrieve her dogs after they'd made their way through a hole in the fence. She contends that her injuries, believed to have been inflicted by her own dogs, would not have occurred if Bailey had been in a secure enclosure within the neighbours' yard.
Bailey's owner, Steve Baker, says that he had decided not to sue White because that wouldn't resurrect Bailey and "the police took the action I wanted and declared those dogs dangerous and awareness was raised".

The lame, weird ~ Emerald White
Emerald White = mere wild hate.
Emerald White = Wee mad Hitler.

While police officers in Houston were responding to a burglary false alarm at a shopping centre, they noticed that they had caused alarm themselves, with several panicked people dashing into a nearby shop, the Action Smoke Shop and Studio. Checking what was going on, the police found people flushing drugs down the toilet and crawling around in the ceiling. They found a handgun, a small amount of cocaine, and a "marijuana packaging operation". Six people, including the owner of the shop, were arrested.

Action Smoke Shop and Studio
= Aim: dope-stock ads in Houston

Calvin Wank, of Deposit, New York, was arrested by state police for allegedly masturbating in a car park outside a truck stop. He'd been doing this long enough that several truckers had time to complain and the police had time to arrive while he was still in the act. Wank, 56, appeared to be wearing women's lipstick and eye make-up when arrested.

Calvin Wank, of Deposit, New York = Known fact's "I reveal pink woody".

Charles Agosto evaded Oregon police who attempted to stop him for a traffic violation. As more officers converged on the area, he abandoned his car and hid amidst dense foliage on private property. Neither the undergrowth nor the lateness of the hour proved an impediment: the police tracked the 35-year-old man down from the smell of his strong cologne. They report that Agosto later described the cologne as a bad choice.

So, arrest a cologne hog:     Charles Agosto, Oregon

According to the Ada County, Idaho, sheriff's office, 18-year-old Tristian Myers was driving four other teenagers around Boise at 5:30am when one of these bright sparks used a cigarette lighter to set fire to the driver's armpit hair. Myers lost control of the car. A 15- and 16-year-old were thrown from the vehicle, and all five young people received medical treatment for non-life-threatening injuries.
Myers received a citation for inattentive driving, and an unnamed 16-year-old passenger for interfering with the driver's safety. None of the teenagers had been wearing a seat belt.
Alcohol does not appear to have been involved.

Tristian Myers = Transit misery

Michel Togue, a lawyer in Cameroon, is sharing information on some of the dozens of cases in which he has defended people accused of "being a homosexual", which has been a crime in that country since 1972, one that earns violators a fine and a prison sentence of up to five years. Togue said: "To catch people having sex, to catch them in the act, you have to [...] violate their privacy, which is an offense." Accordingly, judges jailed two women simply on their neighbours' word, and the evidence in one case consisted of "feminine mannerisms": the judge found that Bailey's Irish Cream is indeed a woman's drink.

The liqueur Bailey's Irish Cream ~ is his habitually, er, queer, crime.

The California State Bar have recommended that Los Angeles attorney Svitlana Sangary be suspended from practice for six months in punishment for the photos she used on her Web site. Its "Publicity" page featured images of Sangary with such figures as Presidents Obama and Clinton and actors George Clooney and Leonardo DiCaprio. Judge Donald Miles wrote in his opinion: "This court finds that many, and perhaps all, of these photos were created by taking original celebrity photos and then overlaying respondent's image in order to make it appear as though [she] was in the presence of that celebrity." Sangary denies that she engaged in deceptive advertising and misconduct.

Svitlana Sangary = Alas, nasty. Raving.

In considerably less trouble is 65-year-old Patricia Hewitson, an Exmouth woman who was curious about a 1.5-metre-high plant that had been creating a strong odour in her garden. Though her husband, who had studied botany in his younger years, told her she needn't worry about it, she e-mailed a photograph of the plant to the BBC Devon radio programme The Potting Shed and explained the situation to the programme's hosts. They informed her that she had been cultivating cannabis, possibly thanks to a packet of bird seed. Although the police were notified, Hewitson is not to face charges.

Patricia Hewitson = Air case with pot in.

A 19-year-old woman waiting tables at an Allegheny County, Pennsylvania, wedding reception became uncomfortable when bridegroom Mark Williams, 33, started acting "touchy-feely" with her and trying to force shots of liquor down her throat even after she explained that she was pregnant. She ended up summoning her boyfriend, Tyler Smith, to pick her up from work early. The two men ended up in a fistfight, and both were arrested. A third arrest took place when the groom's brother, an off-duty state police officer, struck a local police officer. The server reported that the bride watched quietly throughout the chaos.
Public safety spokeswoman Sonya Toler said: "There was a lot of blood at the scene. It was kind of confusing and loud." Contributing to the bloodiness was 31-year-old Brian Taylor, of unknown allegiance, who punched through the window of a parked car and warned arresting officers that he was HIV-positive.

Mark Williams ~ will irk mamas.
And the lesson his mama never taught:
= Wars maim, kill.

Eating eight doughnuts in two minutes gave North Carolina's Bradley Hardison the top prize in a contest hosted by the Elizabeth City police department. The 24-year-old Hardison beat several police officers in the contest, but the authorities still came out on top: Camden County Sheriff's Lieutenant Max Robeson recognised Hardison later from a local newspaper story covering the event, on account of some burglaries committed nine months earlier. Robeson congratulated him on his win before arresting him for breaking and entering.

Bradley Hardison = A horribly sad end

Oklahoma's Lynette Rae Sampson was convinced that her methamphetamine was laced with something. Therefore, the 54-year-old woman rang the police. When officers arrived, she greeted them with an "I'm glad you came" before showing them her various stashes of the drug, which may or may not have been pure. Sampson was taken to jail and is charged with felonious possession of methamphetamine and misdemeanour unlawful possession of drug paraphernalia.

Lynette Rae Sampson
= Say "Entrapment!" & lose.
= Matron sees penalty
= Petty. A real mess, non?
= No "Mensa type!" alerts

Ohio's Sandra Thomas left a Walgreens shop with about 100 euros' worth of items and was promptly intercepted by the manager. Unable to produce a receipt, she walked with him back to the store to await the arrival of police officers. She then announced a need to use the toilet, promptly defecated in front of the store, and ran off. The police tracked her down, at which point she announced that she has health problems and pulled her trousers down again. She was hustled off to a toilet and then bundled into a police cruiser, where she reportedly told the officers that she has bedbugs.
Thomas, 51, has been charged with theft and disorderly conduct.

Sandra Thomas ~ shat. No dramas...

Reuters reports on a teenager from Klein Hesepe, Germany, who dropped his mobile phone into a pond. The 16-year-old youth wanted the data from the phone badly enough that he decided to move the water out of the way. He later explained: "I thought two pumps would drain enough of the water" from the pond into a nearby toilet. He didn't realise that the toilet wasn't connected to the sewer system. When its waste tank overflowed, sewage was sent flooding across the grounds of a fishing club.
The teenager is reported to have told Osnabrücker Zeitung: "It almost worked."

"It almost worked" = To world, mistake.

In Plain City, Utah, a man tried to reserve some pew space for his family at an unusually packed Mormon service, but Wayne Dodge would have none of it. The ensuing argument soon headed into the car park, where Dodge is alleged to have punched the man a few times. When the man emerged after cleaning himself up, he ended up over the front of Dodge's car. Weber County Sheriff's Lieutenant Mark Lowther said that, while the two men's accounts differed, witnesses' comments revealed probable cause to arrest Dodge for aggravated assault.
Dodge, 51, who pleaded guilty to misdemeanour assault, was given a small fine and ordered to complete an anger-management class.

The Mormon Wayne Dodge ~ met God where on Monday?
The Mormon Wayne Dodge = "The worm annoyed me." -God
= Edgy man, now do more!   (Egging him on)
= Mood? Wrong? Amen! -ed.

A Volusia County, Florida, sheriff's officer stopped a vehicle after noticing that the passenger was not wearing a seat belt. The man, 200-kilo Christopher Mitchell, explained that he is too big to use a seat belt. Both passenger and driver seemed rather nervous about having been stopped, and a drug-detecting dog soon sniffed out the reason: the 42-year-old Mitchell had marijuana and cocaine secreted under his "stomach fat". He faces multiple charges, several of them drugs-related.

Florida's Christopher Mitchell
= Mild clash. Horrific pot shelter.
= Price's he'll lift horrid stomach.

In March, California's Marcella Bracamonte and her husband hired 64-year-old Diane Stretton as a live-in nanny after advertising on Craigslist. Stretton allegedly stopped working after about three weeks, explaining that she has a chronic pulmonary disease that leaves her unable to do what she'd been hired to do. Bracamonte recalls: "She'd stay in her room 90% of the day. She was never there to help prepare a meal but was always there to eat the meal."
When asked to leave, Stretton said that she could sue for age-based discrimination, breach of contract, false imprisonment, and other crimes. The family told her to leave anyway, and they attached a lock to their refrigerator. Seeking police assistance, they were told that they should initiate a formal eviction process.
Media coverage has since done the trick: Stretton, who is on California's list of vexatious litigants, has left the home, leaving her belongings behind.

Diane Stretton
= Storied tenant
= It's a rotten end.
Diane Stretton ~ ate tots' dinner.

Florida's Edward Holley got into an argument with Darryl Blacknell. The next day, looking out onto his porch, Holley saw Blacknell sitting there so attacked him. The weapon of choice was the pan of grits that Holley had been cooking. After the incident, Holley told police officers that they should arrest him since "next time I am going to kill [Blacknell]". Holley is being charged with attempted murder, and Blacknell was hospitalised with second- and third-degree burns.

Edward Holley = "Ow!" yelled, hard.

In South St. Paul, Minnesota, Nicholas Wig took credit cards, cash, and a watch from James Wood's home while it was raining. Then, before leaving, he quickly checked his Facebook profile on Wood's computer.
Upon returning home and discovering the burglary, Wood posted his phone number on the Facebook page he found still open, asking any of "Nick Dub"'s friends who might have information to get in touch.
Wig himself rang, agreeing by SMS to meet Wood - he wanted to get back some of the wet clothes he'd left at the crime scene, in exchange for an old mobile phone he'd stolen.
When Wig was arrested, he was wearing Wood's watch.

Nicholas Wig = A clown. I sigh.
Nicholas Wig = Ah, logic wins!

A man from France entered a London-area jewellery shop to look at engagement rings with the woman and baby accompanying him. Half an hour later, he returned to steal the rings, a pattern he is suspected to have followed with other London-area jewellers. He got away with about 23,000 euros' worth of jewellery but was kind enough to give rather than merely take: he left behind his mobile phone, which even had a photograph of him as the screensaver. He is Germain Ibrahim Fofana, 27, and he is in trouble.

Germain Fofana = A name for Fagin

Danielle Shea was nervous before graduation. After her mother arrived at Connecticut's Quinnipiac University for the ceremony, this cap-and-gown-clad 22-year-old took a moment apart from them to use her phone: she called in two bomb threats so that the ceremony would be cancelled. Shea later explained that she had "panicked" when relatives noticed that her name wasn't on the list of graduating seniors. She had actually dropped out of her university studies but not wanted to admit it.
The ceremony went ahead after a 90-minute delay.

Danielle Shea: Seal headline

Charity Johnson faked her ID documents when enrolling as a sophomore at a Christian high school in Longview, Texas. She told school officials that she'd been home-schooled so had no records from previous educational institutions. As abused orphan "Charite Stevens", she was given food, housing, and a haircut by local woman Tamica Lincoln, who soon changed her mind for unknown reasons and reported that she no longer wanted the girl living with her.
It emerged in the ensuing investigation that Stevens was Johnson and that Johnson is 31 years old, not 15. As for the reason she was posing as a studious teenager, the principal said: "Nobody seems to know why."

"Charite Stevens" ~ craves teen shit.
"Charite Stevens" = Th' creativeness!

Darin Simak, a seven-year-old at Pennsylvania's Martin Elementary School, left his school backpack in a friend's car, so his mother packed a spare bag for him. When he arrived at school, he noticed that she had left a toy gun in the outside pocket, so he took it to a teacher, explaining: "I'm not supposed to have this." Following protocol, the teacher informed the principal, who responded by suspending the boy. Simak's mother sent him to school anyway, since "he is entitled to be in school and be educated", and he was kept in the office.
School policy states that "the school district shall expel for a period of not less than one (1) year" any student who brings a weapon or replica thereof onto school property, though it allows case-specific exceptions.
The boy's father, Chris Simak, said: "What was he supposed to do? [...] Just hide it and keep it in his bag so he doesn't get in trouble? We're trying to teach him the right way, and now they're teaching him the wrong way."

Darin Simak = A kid in arms.

Leonard Tonui, 26, and Michael Shikuku, 35, came across an elephant while in Kenya's Kiptagich forest. They whipped out their mobile phones and started taking pictures of themselves with the elephant, eventually posing with their hands on its trunk and tusks. The pachyderm was not pleased, and it lashed out at them with its trunk. "It then trampled them and then collected twigs from the forest to 'bury' the two" in the words of Kuresoi South divisional police officer David Wambua. Rangers who had tried to rescue the men brought down the elephant.

Michael Shikuku & Leonard Tonui =
Knuckleheads & our humiliation.

Like, uh, use a homicidal trunk on ~ Michael Shikuku, Leonard Tonui.

Leonard Tonui = An old routine.
Michael Shikuku = Usual, eh? Kick him?

(Leonard also anagrams to "loon urinated")

The police in Huntington, West Virginia, report that Christopher Anderson rang them from a bank to report that workers there had locked him inside the building when closing for the night. Anderson, 32, explained that he had fallen asleep in the loo. He could have added that he had passed out there after using heroin.
Anderson was arrested for misdemeanour possession of a controlled substance and on a warrant that had been issued earlier.

Christopher Anderson = Heroin crash portends...
Christopher Anderson ~ reports hindrances. Oh.

Annoyed because his girlfriend's three-month-old puppy was continually yapping, Florida's Ephrian Myles allegedly poured hot sauce over the animal, affecting its eyes and throat and triggering seizures. This earned him a year in the county jail for felonious aggravated cruelty to animals, plus 18 months of probation.
The puppy is in a new home, and the 47-year-old Myles is no longer allowed to live in a home with animals.

Ephrian Myles:
Yelps near him.
His mean reply? ...

South Carolina's Courtney Sanford updated her Facebook status while driving. To accompany her new status "The happy song makes me so HAPPY", the 32-year-old Sanford took some pictures of herself. While so doing, she crossed the median of the interstate highway and ran head-on into a recycling truck. She died, while the driver of the truck walked away from his burning vehicle unharmed.
High Point Police Department spokesperson Lt Chris Weisner called the incident a real-life public-service announcement "showing what happens when you text and drive". There was no evidence that Sanford had been speeding or using alcohol or other drugs.

Courtney Sanford =
Story of dunce ran.
Destroy car. No fun.

Courtney Sanford, ~ or scary end to fun.

(She also anagrams to "Doctors are funny.")

Reuters reports that Turkey's Sefer Calinak, 62, appeared on the television show Luck of the Draw to try to find a new woman to share his life. He explained to the audience that he'd murdered his wife and a former lover but had served his time in prison. Before the host asked him to leave the set, Calinak clarified that the first murder was because his wife had "irritated" him and that he'd thought the second woman was after his money.

Sefer Calinak = Fickle. An arse.

A court is hearing the case of Finland's Antti Sakari Manselius, whose antics on board a Hong-Kong-bound Cathay Pacific flight began with clownish entertainment of other passengers. Then, he went too far. Wielding a Toblerone bar and wearing his blanket as a cape, he headed for the cockpit, making a bomb threat and demanding that the plane divert to Sochi to drop him off for the Olympics.
Flight attendant Leung Riu-lu later recounted that the 23-year-old Finn had been non-violent but furious, making her "feel like he was trying to endanger the aircraft".
Manselius was handcuffed and kept tied up with a spare seat belt until the flight reached its planned destination, where he was arrested. He has pleaded not guilty of disorderly conduct.

Antti Sakari Manselius = I like Russians, man! Ta-ta!

Robert C. Williams robbed a bank, badly. According to the Baltimore Sun, this 42-year-old Laurel, Maryland, man managed to drop the roughly 28,000 euros' worth of cash on the floor. It took him a while to scoop the money into an umbrella that he found on the floor of the bank. He did then manage to leave the premises but promptly fell on the ice outside, giving himself a gash in the head. The delays caught up with him shortly after he reached his getaway car, and Williams was arrested.

Robert C. Williams = Crime's "rob at will".
Robert Williams = Will I be smart, or ...?

The arrest report for Florida's Alberto Moreno states that the 45-year-old was going "so fast that a speed was unable to be determined". Once officers were able to stop his truck, he explained that he'd started his drive after drinking six beers at his home. This might explain why he bore the scent of alcohol and was wearing his shirt inside out and backwards. Asked to perform field sobriety tests, he fell out of the vehicle, but he was eventually determined to be officially drunk and was arrested on that basis.
But where was he headed in such a hurry? The arrest report again provides the answer: he explained "that he was on his way to kill his friend for screwing him over earlier that day".

Alberto Moreno = Beer-a-lot moron

Te'Mon Molley, 18, showed up at the Hamilton Township, New Jersey, courthouse with two friends in tow. All three reeked of marijuana, according to court officers, who promptly searched Molley. He was carrying a wad of cash and 43 bags of heroin. For possession of the drug with intent to distribute, another court date has been set.
Given how often such news stories are appearing, he should have known to stick with legal drugs next time:

Te'Mon Molley = Memo: Tylenol!

According to The New York Post, Brooklyn police officer Delfin Lantigua is in trouble, accused of offering to speed along the paperwork for women applying to work at the New York Police Department, for a price. An applicant reported the 34-year-old Lantigua after meeting him at a restaurant, where, she claims, he'd asked for her underwear as part of the deal. Investigators later found three pairs of women's underwear in his locker at the police department. Other women have now come forward, saying that Lantigua had asked for $1,000 and unlimited sexual access in exchange for expediting the application process.

He's probably only done what so many people in his position only dream of doing:
Delfin Lantigua = Flaunting ideal!

In Dublin, Saverio Bellante got into an argument with his landlord over a move in their year-long chess game. The argument ended with Bellante, 34, stabbing and killing Tom O'Gorman, 29. The body ended up in still worse shape when Bellante tried to eat his landlord's heart, and a lung has yet to be located.

Saverio Bellante = Violent. Real base.
Saverio Bellante = Label sin "overeat"?

California's Ruben Diego Ortega took a quick nap and got in trouble. A Santa Ana man woke to find the 20-year-old Ortega snoozing at the foot of his bed. After waking Ortega and chasing him from the home, the man determined that mobile phones and a game console had run off too. He knew Ortega so simply visited the latter's home and recovered his property. Police report that, after being arrested, Ortega "said he was crawling out of the house with the property and must have fallen asleep".

Ruben Diego Ortega = Bed-region outrage.

Houston, Texas, firefighter Craig Moreau and his wife were driving home when they saw a lorry by the side of the road, with flames coming from the rear brakes. They pulled over to help the driver, who was having little success with a small hand-held extinguisher.
Moreau then asked the lorry driver what his cargo was. The answer "Beer, it's all beer!" came just as one of the tyres exploded. Moreau told the driver to hand him Coors cans as quickly as he could. He recalls: "I shook them up and popped a top one at a time until the fire was out and the brakes were cool." As for any waste involved, Moreau reports that he prefers dark beer.

Craig Moreau = Cue rig aroma

Houston, Texas, firefighter Craig Moreau =
Urge "A Coors - that foam fire-extinguisher!"

After a 66-year-old Arizona man's heart procedure, a nurse found his wife, 65-year-old retired nurse Rose Mary Vogel, handling his intravenous drip. The brown substance then discovered in the man's IV line was found to be faecal matter matching an empty syringe in Vogel's handbag. She was carrying two further syringes, whose contents weren't immediately obvious. Her husband is expected to recover. No motive has yet been cited.

This may or may not fit her personality, but it surely ought to:
Rose Mary Vogel = Gravely morose

Tom Wagner took a nap on a flight from Louisiana to Texas. His plan was to catch a connecting flight to California. When he awoke, however, it was dark, the ExpressJet plane had long since landed, and there was no-one else aboard. He rang his girlfriend to report that he was locked inside the craft, but he was released only when ground crew began servicing the aeroplane. Airline spokeswoman Samantha Harrison said that ExpressJet are investigating how the flight crew managed to miss Wagner when doing their sweeps of the plane.

Tom Wagner = Wrong, mate!

Fernando Caignet Aguilera was sleeping in a Miami park when he spied an alligator. He decided that it would be a good idea to put the metre-plus animal into a box and offer it to the staff of a nearby convenience store in exchange for a 12-pack of beer. While an undeterred Aguilera was attempting to sell the alligator to customers outside, the clerk rang the police. The alligator has been relocated, and Aguilera is in trouble with the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission.

Fernando Caignet Aguilera = Lad in a "Genuine gator!" farce

Court documents in New Mexico indicate that Marlene Tapia was strip-searched after police officer Blanca Zapater determined that Tapia had violated the terms of her probation. During the search, Zapater saw a plastic bag protruding from Tapia's vagina. Zapater is accused of then using pepper spray on said vagina, twice.
A lawsuit filed on Tapia's behalf by the American Civil Liberties Union states: "Spraying Ms. Tapia on the genitals would not cause the baggy to become dislodged." It did, however, allegedly cause her several weeks of painful urination and other symptoms and led to disciplinary action against Zapater.
I guess we should be glad things didn't escalate:

Marlene Tapia = Anal rape time?

No, this won't be "Skits! Clap!". Let's hope it's not closer to a sick splat.
Maurice Owens reported slipping on a banana peel in a lift at a Washington Metropolitan Area Transit Authority station. After he fell, apparently suffering intense pain to the hip and leg, he was taken to hospital. He later filed a claim for $15,000 in compensation. However, security footage shows that there was no banana peel in the lift before Owens arrived on the scene, his claim was not honoured. Owen has been charged with second-degree fraud.

Maurice Owens =
Unwiser cameo =
...Or "cue wise man"

On his wedding day, Liverpool's Neil McArdle, 36, rang in a bomb threat to St George's Hall from a telephone box. After his arrest later in the day, he explained that the hoax call had been an attempt to cover for having forgotten to fill out the paperwork for booking the hall as the wedding venue.
The results of his action included a 12-month jail term and his fiancee having to wait in the street in her wedding gown while the building was evacuated and searched. The couple are still together.

Neil McArdle =
End all crime! =
Mr "I need call"

According to a police report from Mount Hope, New York, a woman was tending to her mobile phone while driving and ended up in a collision. More precisely, 21-year-old Daisy Cowit drove into a line of 50 dairy cows that were crossing the road between the two parts of Mike Hosking's farm. Her Jeep struck six of the bovines and narrowly missed farm workers who were frantically motioning her to stop. According to a witness, one cow flew about 1.5 metres into the air.
Hosking said that salt was rubbed into his wounds by the person who came to collect Cowit asking why there was so much fuss over a few injured cows. Hosking said: "I think more of those cows than I do of some people."
Three of the animals underwent emergency surgery, and Cowit has been charged with reckless driving, among other offences.
Since "It is Cow Day" is a bit too obvious, how about this?:

Daisy Cowit = 'Twas idiocy.

A Loganville, Georgia, police officer caught Rachel Gossett, 25, and Frank Lucas, 27, engaged in sexual intercourse in a pickup truck in the car park of a Waffle House. According to Officer Joshua Brickle, Gossett dismounted Lucas and then just sat in the passenger's seat until, after being told several times to get dressed and present identification, she finally made to clothe herself - "she attempted to put a cheeseburger on her foot as if it were a sandal". Both she and Lucas were determined to be quite intoxicated.

Frank Lucas. Rachel Gossett = Strange fuckers clash a lot.

A previous scene explains where her sandal went:
Put a cheeseburger on her foot =
Beer + hunger = opt for a shoe? Cute.

Sweden's The Local reports on a family in the western town of Strómstad whose attempts to assemble flat-pack furniture from Ikea awoke their child at about 1am. Hearing the screaming child and accompanying banging noises, neighbours contacted the police.
Meanwhile in Stockholm, the police reported on another case in which neighbours reported loud screaming to the cops: "It turned out to be a young couple in a toothpaste war. Not a crime."

Unsure, I fear kit:
Ikea's furniture

Romildo da Silva has been suspended for 24 matches and given a fine for making two vital saves for the Aparecidense club near the end of a fourth-division match. The reason he got in trouble is that he is the club's masseur and wasn't supposed to be on the field.
That day's rival team, Tupi, now replace Aparecidense in the quarter finals. Aparecidense club officials say they are appealing the decision.

Romildo da Silva =
I'm odd savior, all!

His plan:
I doom rival lads.

Kelli Belpedio alleges that she was hugged by Epic Restaurant doorman Schyler Truesdell upon entering the establishment and awoke the next morning to find that her right breast implant had deflated. In her lawsuit against the restaurant, its owners, and former college American football player Truesdell, Belpedio states that staff should have made it clear during training that "doorman duties and policies at Epic Restaurant did not include bear hugging customers". She is seeking the equivalent of about 67,500 euros in damages.

Doorman Schyler Truesdell ~ mulled on lady's chest error.
You can parse that whichever way matches your view of who was at fault - the busty broad or the brawny buster.

Epic Restaurant = Prurience, tatas.

Rakhima Ganieva, 18, is listed as a contestant in this year's Miss World competition, representing Uzbekistan. However, it has emerged that there is no national beauty contest in Uzbekistan, and the Uzbek Culture and Sports Ministry have not heard of her. A red flag had been thrown up by her contradictory claims about her university qualifications. At the time of this writing, Ganieva was still listed as Miss Uzbekistan at .
Zhavlon Komolov, speaking for the modelling agency that used to represent Ganieva, said: "If there had been a process to choose a young lady for this competition, I can assure you that a much more beautiful model would have been chosen."

Rakhima Ganieva =
Hark - a vain image!

Terry Ragland, 55, who visited a new physician because of her back pain, has filed a complaint with the Tennessee Department of Health about the diagnosis he gave her. Dr Timothy Sweo explained: "What I was trying to explain to that patient is that she has lumbar lordosis, which is a fancy name for the curve of the lower spine that makes the buttocks protrude more. In trying to explain that, I said that she had ghetto booty and she didn't like that apparently."

Timothy Sweo = Me oh so witty!

Text messages lead authorities to believe that Florida's Michael and Tracy Arnold had just had an argument when Michael, 36, left the martial home without her, on his all-terrain vehicle. A short while later, the 40-year-old Tracy headed out on her dirt bike to look for him. They ended up in a nearly head-on collision on a nearby road, and both died at the scene of the accident. Neither was wearing a helmet.

The couple Michael & Tracy Arnold:
"I'd accept a local hurry & no helmet"

An extreme backyard sport has claimed another life: in Panguitch, Utah, nine-year-old Oaklee Sidwell was playing on a trampoline when she sat down to put her shoes on. A large gust of wind lifted the anchored trampoline from the ground - sending it, and Sidwell, about 50 metres. She died of her injuries while being treated at a Salt Lake City hospital.

Also killed: wee ~ Oaklee Sidwell.

Davey Orgill is a wedding photographer who wanted a Wyoming couple to have some unique memories, thanks to a remote-controlled helicopter equipped with a GoPro camera. Guests' videos of the pre-wedding photo shoot feature Orgill's DJI Phantom Quadcopter hitting the bridegroom-to-be in the face. He was left with a cut on his cheek and the side of his head.
Orgill concludes: "I did practice a lot, probably not enough."
We all know that, deep down, he bought the 'copter for mischief:

Davey Orgill =
Goal: devilry!
The result, however, might be this sort of future:
Davey Orgill =
Grovel daily.

According to the Public Safety Department of Maranhão, Brazil, the problems started when referee Otavio da Silva told football player Josenir dos Santos Abreu that he would have to sit out the rest of a match. Things escalated to fisticuffs, and the referee ended up stabbing Abreu with a knife. While Abreu was dying en route to hospital, his friends and relatives "rushed into the field, stoned the referee to death and quartered his body". According to local media, Silva's head was stuck on a stake in the middle of the field.

Josenir dos Santos Abreu = Bad season injures torso.

Pennsylvania estate agent Andrea Straub, 34, used to sell multi-million-dollar homes. However, she was dismissed from her job after she and her husband were accused of trying to stop her hospitalised neighbours from selling their house, through vandalism. The neighbours' caretaker installed a security camera, which allegedly captured the couple knocking over "For Sale" signs, cutting branches from trees on the next-door property, stealing leaflets, and leaving dead snakes and mice on the driveway. The couple initially confessed, but their attorney now says that the people in the footage are not recognisable and that the charges are "horrible falsities".

Andrea Straub ~ turns area bad.
Andrea Straub = Barred as a nut.
Andrea Straub = Darn - rat abuse!

Florida's Edward Zipperer, 47, was looking for missing macaroni and cheese in the home he shared with brother Randy, 49. In this argument-laden search, he knocked over Randy's beer. So the elder Zipperer stabbed the younger one in the stomach. Randy later told Volusia County sheriff's officers that he'd just "poked him a little with the knife" and hadn't meant to cause injury. Randy still faces a charge of aggravated battery.

Randy and Edward Zipperer:
Zany; warped; and, er, drip red

A man directing traffic at a New Jersey bus lot was regularly intoxicated while on the job. However, he can't exactly be fired, since - the New Jersey Transit vest notwithstanding - he doesn't actually have a job. The man, self-described homeless alcoholic Hector Santiago, explained that the New Jersey Transit worker at the lot, sometimes seen sleeping in a bus, was paying him to direct traffic. That other worker, Max Caramas, later said that he had only wanted to help Santiago.
New Jersey Transit officials report that they are investigating the case.

Hector Santiago = Cash negotiator

Waking to find that her car was missing, Virginia Maiden nonetheless made it to the Kennewick, Washington, McDonald's restaurant where she works. At the drive-through window later in the day, she saw a familiar-looking 1995 Toyota pull up. Maiden rang the police, who arrested the driver, Katherine A. York, 22, at the exit to the drive-through lane. Besides a hungry York, the car contained what police termed a "large amount" of clothing with security tags from several department stores.

Virginia Maiden = I'm in drive again.

Police report that Minnesota's Michael Schaeffer skipped out on an estimated $100,000 of medical bills at St Cloud Hospital after explaining that he would pay the full amount later, and that he was Pink Floyd's Dave Gilmour. His story fell apart after he checked out of the facility. Four days later, he returned to the hospital for further treatment, again claiming to be the singer-guitarist, whereupon he was arrested.

Imposter Michael Schaeffer =
Fame? Riches? Halo's imperfect. =
Free-hospital crime. Cf. "shame". =
Fee schemer, hospital-firm cheat.

The New York Post reports on a fight between a brother and sister who share a home. Howard Meltzer, 67, said that there had been a full roll of toilet paper in the morning but by later in the day Bernice Meltzer, 72, had "unloaded a whole roll and left just a little, and when I looked up to the reserve, it wasn't there".
Determining that she had taken the roll into her room, he began banging on the door. In the five hours that followed, he begged a grocery store to deliver two packs of Charmin and he warned his sister that he would call the police if the roll weren't back by 1:00am. She returned it at about midnight but rang the police herself, to complain about her brother haranguing her.
Both have been charged with violation of a protection order.

Howard Meltzer and sister Bernice =
Let's remind: two crazed brains here! =
Be odder: zaniest Charmin-wrestler!

Maryangela Tobin is a Massachusetts woman who received three kilos of marijuana by FedEx. She opened the package in the belief that it was a birthday gift for her daughter - a box containing pixie sticks, candles, peppermint, and what appeared at first glance to be potpourri. Further inspection revealed its true nature.

About an hour later, Tobin says, an unfamiliar man knocked on her door and enquired after his waylaid delivery while two other men waited in a vehicle in her driveway. She told him she didn't have a package. She is now suing FedEx for giving out her address in breach of state privacy laws and, by so doing, endangering her and her children.

Maryangela Tobin =
Any "Bong Rate" mail? =
Botany-mail anger.

Also in Florida, 62-year-old Carolyn Dukeshire has pleaded guilty to the second-degree murder of her neighbour, 64-year-old Martin Mazur. Dukeshire approached Mazur outside the latter's home and asked him for a can of Busch Light beer. When Mazur replied: "I have absolutely nothing for you", she shot him five times.

Dukeshire has been sentenced to 30 years in prison. She says she will pay for the rest of her life for losing her composure.

Florida's Carolyn Dukeshire ~ says "A refilled drink or 'OUCH!'"
Florida's Carolyn Dukeshire = Lady refuels: "I drink or ... chaos!"

A case of pocket-dialling the emergency services occurred in Molalla, Oregon. This was one of those cases in which the dispatcher heard the inadvertent caller discuss a drug deal. Officers quickly converged on the location, about a block from the police station. When cornered, the suspects told the officer that they didn't have a mobile phone. The officer responded loudly, and the dispatcher reported being able to hear him in the ongoing 911 call.

Drugs and the phone were found in short order. Raleigh Reynolds and Dana Lucht, both 25, will have their day in court.

Raleigh Reynolds & Dana Lucht =
Arse-call & handy drug hotline!

Over the last year and a half, vandals have keyed several cars on Stevie Davis's used-car lots in Warwick, Rhode Island, enough vehicles that the owner of Airport Auto Body Shop, which has handled most of the repair work, opined "somebody don't like you". The identity of "somebody" became clear after a recent $7,500 repair bill prompted Davis to install security cameras. The miscreant was 72-year-old Anthony Lombardi, who owns the above-mentioned repair shop.

Anthony Lombardi =
Handyman: "I rob lot" =
"My brain and hand tool..."

The BBC reports that Stephen Graham, who teaches at the architecture department at Newcastle University, has pleaded guilty to using a screwdriver to carve graffiti into the paint jobs of luxury cars. During these acts, he was wearing only a suit jacket and underpants. After these acts, a Mercedes, an Audi, and 25 other vehicles wore words such as "very silly" and "arbitrary". Graham, who told Newcastle Crown Court that he had drunk alcohol while on medication and didn't remember doing any of this, has been ordered to pay a little under 30,000 pounds in compensation.

Newcastle University's Professor of Cities and Society Stephen Graham =
See, al fresco in the main, I've written petty, goofy phrases on cars. Discuss.

Pennsylvania's Timothy Bonner was arrested on charges of assault and was placed in a holding cell. Officers say that Bonner, 40, kept abusing the cell door and managed to knock it off its hinges and escape the facility.

Bonner's first stop was at a nearby house, where he borrowed a pair of shoes. He was now attired appropriately to be served at the neighbouring bar, Richy's. There, he announced to patrons that he had just broken out of the jail and needed a beer. The customer who then bought a beer for Bonner later said: "He didn't even get to take a drink of it [...]. He was only here a few minutes before police showed up."

Inmate Timothy Bonner of Pennsylvania =
"Info, men:
Ninny's only aim: path to beer vat."

Florida's Shirley Ann Duncan told members of the Community Life Center Church about her four sons, all military men who died in the Middle East. Her heart-rending story netted her more than $1,000 in cash and donations. But Duncan, 49, has only two sons, both of them alive and only one of them, Nicanol Collazo, in the military.

When the church asked for photographs of her sons for a memorial service, Duncan used random images from the Internet but also photos of Collazo in uniform, from his Facebook page. Collazo reported the news of his death and his non-existent brothers' to the authorities.

As evidence of the deaths, Duncan produced a letter ostensibly signed by Adjutant General James A. Ulio, who died in 1958. She has now confessed to the fraud and was arrested on charges of "scheme to defraud" and criminal use of personal identification information.

Florida's Shirley Ann Duncan goes to church =
Gal's hurtful chicanery - no dead sons. Rich, no?

In Norfolk, Virginia, a caller to the emergency services reported seeing a baby lion walking down the street. The Virginia Zoo assured officers that both of its lions were still in custody, but someone was sent to investigate the sighting for safety's sake. The cause of the call turned out to be a three-year-old labradoodle whose owner, Daniel Painter, had shaved him to resemble an area university's lion mascot. Painter says that police have told him several times about the issues that the dog creates, and that members of the public have run away in fear before.

Daniel Painter's dog = Grand idea - pet lions!

An employee of the US Social Security Administration was reprimanded for creating a hostile work environment at the Baltimore office by continuously "passing gas and releasing an unpleasant odor". Over the space of about 12 weeks, co-workers had on 60 occasions complained about the 38-year-old man passing gas.

Speaking for the agency, Dorothy Clark said: "When senior management became aware of the reprimand it was immediately rescinded."

"Releasing an unpleasant odor" ~ and a sour anti-personnel gale!

"Releasing an unpleasant odor" = Rude gas line to an anal person.

B. Malone happened to be in Tiny's Liquor at the same time. Apparently still upset about his father having sent him to a juvenile-detention facility some years ago, the younger Malone jostled the elder. The father responded with a punch in the face, so his son left the store and waited with a gun. When Archie emerged, Artavious fired off a few rounds, none of which found its mark as his father ran down the street.

Artavious is charged with attempted murder and illegal possession of a firearm. He claims that he heard the shots being fired at his father but wasn't the source of the shell casings that officers found.

Artavious B. Malone =
Evaluation's "Rambo?!". =
Alive but as a moron.

At a pizza parlour in St Petersburg, Florida, 49-year-old Randall White began yelling at workers for being slow to prepare his food. Another customer, Michael Jock, 52, took him to task. White shoved Jock and raised his fist, so Jock raised his .38 Taurus Ultralight Special Revolver. He fired, hitting White in the lower torso. In the struggle that followed, he was shot again, in roughly the same place, and another bullet lodged in a wall. Then the two men went outside and waited for the police to arrive.

Jock claimed that the shooting was justified under the state's "stand your ground" law, since he'd feared for his life. Police spokesman Mike Puetz said: "He felt he was in his rights. He brought it up specifically and cited it to the officer"; however, "[w]e determined it did not reach a level where deadly force was required". White is still angry but now for different reasons.

Randall White =
Ah, tell Darwin...
"I end all wrath."
I'd warn "Lethal!".

The man picking up rubbish in the car park of the Ormond Beach, Florida, Walmart found it hard to keep up with a woman who was littering while driving around in circles. When police arrived, they determined that the woman, a drunken Deborah Brinkman, had been defecating on paper towels and then throwing them from the window of the car. When confronted by Deputy Alfonso Dillard, she tried to run him over, but she was eventually arrested, after damaging three patrol cars.

A week earlier too, she had been arrested for fleeing from officers, that time waving at them as she drove off.

Deborah Brinkman = Mr. Hankie - born bad!

The BBC reports that Australia's Michael Newman was ejected from a pub in the town of Broome for being too intoxicated. It was then that he came up with the idea of climbing into a crocodile enclosure and riding one of the reptiles. Newman, 36, did manage to board a five-metre-long specimen named Fatso before losing some chunks of flesh. He is recovering in hospital after surgery for serious wounds to his leg.

Michael Newman = Chew man in meal

Reuters reports that Oldham's Donald Junior Green reached into his pockets for a bag of chewy sweets to give to the three children at his door on Halloween and sent the children on their way with treats. He then reached into his pockets for a treat for himself - the drugs he had bought earlier. Finding chewy sweets instead of a sack of eight bags of cocaine, he scoured the streets on foot and then by car, trying to find the children, aged five, six, and eight.

Green, 23, didn't find the children. Once their father found the drugs, however, his co-workers - other police officers - found Green, who has now been ordered to do 130 hours of community service.

Donald Junior Green = One drug nerd. No jail.

Holly Solomon is a 28-year-old Arizona woman who was angered by the re-election of US President Barack Obama. Several days after the election, she became especially angry that her husband, Daniel, hadn't voted. Although her state's electoral votes had gone to Mitt Romney anyway, she figured it was worth making an issue of this, so she chased him in the family car and ran over him. He was taken to a local hospital, where he was listed as in critical condition but expected to survive.

Now that the cameras have stopped rolling, Holly Solomon has had time to formulate her response:

"Oh my!", loon LOLs.

Police in Gainesville, Florida, say that 22-year-old Marine Corps veteran Christopher Dabney became upset by someone's Halloween costume at a local restaurant. A tutu-wearing Dabney took issue with the idea of someone dressing up as a disabled veteran, so he hit the man, 35-year-old Daniel Priotti, twice, knocking him out of his wheelchair. Priotti, a former Marine himself, wasn't wearing a costume. Dabney has been arrested for abuse of the disabled.

PR: Yes, man in chair bothered ~ marine Christopher Dabney.

In 1993, financially troubled bank manager Otto Neuman stole cash and gold bars from an Erste Bank in Vienna while two accomplices staged a fake robbery there. Neuman's lawyer has confirmed that court officials recently contacted him to report that the cash recovered at the time - which had been held by the Austrian Justice Ministry for the last 19 years - was to be given to Neuman.

The bank explained that it has no claim to the money, since the insurance company had provided full compensation. The insurance company reported that the recovered gold given to them after payment of the claim had been settled had increased enough in value to offset the full amount paid out.

The money, about 60,000 euros, has now been transferred to a somewhat surprised Neuman.

Otto Neuman = Note amount!

Britain's Steve Perkins is a senior broker with PVM Oil Futures. A Financial Services Authority investigation recently revealed that he woke up one morning in 2009 to an administrative clerk at the company asking him why he'd bought seven million barrels of crude oil overnight - between 1:22 and 3:41am, he had gradually purchased 69% of the global oil futures market, for about 350 million euros. He had no recollection of doing so but admitted that he has a drinking problem and sometimes suffers blackouts.

PVM's losses ran into the millions, while Perkins was fined about 80,000 EUR and had his trading licence revoked for five years. The FSA noted that "Mr Perkins poses an extreme risk to the market when drunk".

Steve Perkins with alcohol ~
thinks "We crave oil." He plots: ~
"OK, let's invest while... Oh, crap."

New York bar-owner David Kelleran, 51, was warned that his cheque for renewal of the state liquor licence for his restaurant, called 68, had bounced and that he had 10 days to make acceptable payment. He claims in a lawsuit that, before that time was up, police arrested him at his flat for selling alcoholic drinks without a licence. While he was in jail for the night, he alleges, officers visited Coco66, the properly licenced pub he owns next door to the restaurant, and proceeded to pour all of the premises' wine, beer, and spirits down a drain. Both the bar and the restaurant have been closed since the incident.

David Kelleran = Devil drank ale!

Was some of the alcohol waylaid before flowing into the bowels of the earth?:

The New York publican David Kelleran
The cop invariably drunk all weekend

The casino Golden Nugget Atlantic City worked out that something was up after 14 gamblers managed to win more than $1.5 million in total from 41 consecutive winning hands of baccarat. The casino sent in security teams to discover how the guests were cheating. It turned out that eight decks of cards hadn't been pre-shuffled, and the same sequence of cards kept repeating.

The casino is suing the gamblers, claiming that the games weren't valid: state relations require all casino games to offer fair odds.

The Golden Nugget casino in Atlantic City =
Citing lad as (innocently) cheating, "Get out!"

Thanks to having worn braces, Devin Bost has straight teeth. Unfortunately, those are largely rotten teeth. The 22-year-old Oregon man is suing orthodontist Brad Chvatal for leaving his braces on for 11 years. Some of the teeth can be replaced. Bost's lawyer said: "We aren't really sure what happened."

Devin Bost's dental care = Old-braces sin -> vendetta.

A dead body was found in a hearse in Beverly Hills. The unusual part is that this corpse was in the driver's seat; according to police lieutenant Lincoln Hoshino, the driver, 59-year-old Garlandine Garvin, seems to have died of natural causes while transporting a body to a funeral.

Garlandine Garvin =
Align in grave. Darn.
...and angel arriving.

In Shropshire, Ian Poulton, 33, had something tucked into the waistband of his trousers. Some of his neighbours in Telford rang emergency services in a panic, claiming that it was a pistol and that he had been waving the firearm around. He was soon accosted in the street by 15 armed officers in bulletproof vests, plus a dog unit. Upon his arrest, it became clear what the item was; as one resident put it, "he was screaming to his girlfriend to hand over the dildo". In court, Poulton has admitted that he had intended to cause fear of violence by means of the silver sex toy.

His neighbours later complained about the rather more real display of weapons they had witnessed as armed "Robocops" ran down the street.

Ian Poulton scared Telford. =
Let cops run on, after a dildo.

Vermont's Roger Pion recently was arrested for possession of marijuana and resisting arrest. Perhaps not content with his punishment, he decided to vent his anger at the sheriff's department and thereby collect 14 more charges. Pion, 34, drove a large farm tractor into the sheriff's department car park and rolled it over a few cruisers and an innocent transport van.

With none of their seven vehicles intact, sheriff's officers pursued Pion on foot, until he attempted to back over them too. Although they retreated, tractors aren't the fastest of escape vehicles, and state police soon had the farm vehicle surrounded. The most serious of the charges against Pion carries a penalty of up to 16 years in prison.

Roger Pion's tractor =
...Or cops' giant terror

While driving his truck in Texas, 21-year-old university student Chance Bothe sent the text message "I need to quit texting because I could die in a car accident". Rather, he sent another message - "b right there" - and veered off a bridge, ending up in a ravine. He sustained brain injury and a fractured skull, was resuscitated three times, and suffered breaks to numerous bones (including his neck). A six-month hospital stay later, Chance may soon visit his friend.

Texas student Chance Ryan Bothe =
You send a text, then crash? Can't be!

In Canada, police officer Jim Brown is the subject of an investigation into possible misconduct in connection with images on a sexual-fetish social-networking Web site. Brown, who goes by the name "Kilted Knight" on the bondage and discipline site, is featured naked in RCMP riding boots as he pretends to carry out violent crimes of the sort he is charged with investigating, such as a knife attack on a bound, naked woman. Brown has been assigned administrative duties while an internal and external investigation are conducted.

Jim Brown is "the Kilted Knight" =
Hitter's mingled kink with job.
And on a related note:
Bondage and discipline =
Nailing bad cops, indeed. =
As in police bedding and...

Catherine Venusto used to work as a secretary for the school district that her two children attended in Pennsylvania. While there, she used a boss's computer password to change her daughter's failing mark in one of her classes to an "M" (for "medical exception"). Her son wasn't left out: his 98% was changed to a 99%.

The 45-year-old Venusto, who is accused of using the login credentials more than 100 times to access the school district's online grading system, claims that she knew her actions weren't ethical but that she thought they were legal.

Catherine Venusto: A touch intervenes.

Canadian hunter Dale Whitmell was camping near a lake when he encountered a mouse. Whitmell, 40, decided to kill it with the butt of his rifle. He managed to discharge the weapon in so doing. The bullet grazed his forehead. Whitmell, who is being charged with careless use of a firearm. later said that he didn't know the weapon was loaded.

Dale Whitmell = Wield them all!

In the US state of Georgia, 36-year-old William Bonner rang the police to report that attackers had set his head on fire. He changed his story after surveillance-camera footage emerged. According to police lieutenant Blaise Dresser, the man had bet his friends that his face could be set on fire. He'd encouraged them to douse his head with Bacardi 151 and set it alight, and it worked on the second try. Bonner, having won the bet, had companions at one of the tables put out the flames with other liquids.

After his release from hospital, where he was in critical condition, he was let off the hook by police, who said that he won't be charged with a crime, since he has suffered enough. A guy who won a bar bet by having friends set his face on fire:

William Bonner = Well, I'm no-brain.
"I win!" label on Mr ~ William Bonner
William Bonner = Me now ill in bar.

A Utah juvenile-court judge found 13-year-old Kaytlen Lopan and her 11-year-old friend guilty of endearing themselves to a three-year-old girl at a McDonald's restaurant and then using scissors to "cut several inches of hair from her head". Judge Scott Johansen offered to reduce the older girl's community-service sentence from 276 to 126 hours if Lopan's mother, Valerie Bruno, would agree to remove Lopan's ponytail in court. When Bruno proved timid with the judge's scissors, the three-year-old's mother told her to go "all the way to the rubber band". Lopan's friend agreed to a similar option.

Bruno has filed a formal complaint against Johansen. She said that her daughter "definitely needed to be punished for what had happened, but I never dreamt it would be that much of a punishment".

Kaytlen Lopan's hair = Ah, ponytail rankles!

New Jersey's Lauren Odes was hired to do temporary work such as data entry and preparations for shipping at a New York lingerie warehouse.

The job ended up being quite temporary: she was sacked after a week because her bosses deemed her manner of dress too provocative for the workplace. At one point, she was asked to wear a bathrobe over her dress, and she claims that she was also told that her breasts should be taped down so as to appear smaller.

The 29-year-old Odes has filed suit on grounds of gender and religious discrimination on the part of Native Intimates, which is run by Orthodox Jews. She said that her wardrobe was a good match for a company that sells "thongs with hearts placed in the female genital area and boy shorts for women that say 'hot' in the buttocks area".

Lauren Odes = A nude loser [near enough] = Sneer aloud

A parks officer in Ramsey, Minnesota, found Alan Petrusson blindfolded and tied between two trees in a public park. The 50-year-old's genitals were exposed. When the police arrived, Petrusson was gone. Only his sling and rope remained, along with his car and the pornographic materials within. As officers were preparing to tow the car, Petrusson appeared and explained his attempt to engineer anonymous sex by tying himself up. According to Police Chief Jim Way, Petrusson could face a charge of indecent exposure.

Alan Petrusson = Ropes ... anal ... nuts!
= Neat plan sours.

Florida's Belinda and Paul Berloni were arrested after taking their seven-year-old grand-daughter for a ride. The way in which they did it was a problem: according to police, they used their SUV to pull a "small plastic Hot Wheels car" along a road at 8-15 kilometres an hour, with the towing mechanism consisting of two dog leashes attached to the trailer hitch. Also worthy of police note was that the girl was wearing just a bathing suit and that both adults were intoxicated.

When asked for his driver's licence, Paul Berloni explained that he didn't have one: it had been revoked in connection with an alcohol- and vehicle-related offence.

Belinda and Paul Berloni =
Add label: no-brain lineup.

Former Royal Marine Rhys Owen Jones, 21, and bricklayer Keri Mules, 20, were heavily intoxicated when at Sea World in Queensland, Australia. So it seemed like a good idea to release a fire-extinguisher in the shark tank and then steal a penguin. They posted photos on Facebook, which led a friend to contact the police.

The next morning, they later explained, they found a penguin in their room and didn't remember what had happened. They put the bird in the shower and fed it bread while they worked out what to do. Their solution was to release Dirk the fairy penguin into a nearby shark-infested canal. A member of the public saw Dirk under a jetty pylon and rang Sea World.

In court, Magistrate Brian Kucks agreed not to record a conviction for trespass, stealing, and keeping a protected animal. He fined the Welshmen the equivalent of 600 euros each.

Huge drink. Inept, ~ pureed thinking: ~ "Night run! I'd keep ~
Dirk the Penguin!"

Melissa Dean told her primary-school students to make 27 greeting cards for "people who did not have a home or did not feel well". They did so, and she sent the cards to her boyfriend, who is in jail for weapons offences after having plea-bargained away charges for possessing 27 pieces of child porn. The package of cards included at least two children's home addresses.

Dean says of her action that she "thought it was a nice thing to do". The principal of her school deemed it "totally ridiculous, absurd" and added: "We're moving for that teacher's termination." Dean is in an office job while the investigation continues.

Teacher Melissa Dean = Ad: "Here is mental case!"
Melissa Dean = Leadin' a mess
Teacher Melissa Dean ~ sees a child near - "Meat!"

Indiana's William Francis Blankenship was arrested on drugs charges, handcuffed, and placed in the back seat of a police cruiser. While the arresting officer searched for more drugs, the 22-year-old Blankenship somehow entered the front of the police car and drove off.

The officer saw his car heading off into the distance, and the next contact police had with it was when Blankenship used the police radio to ask where to find the cigarette lighter and how to unlock the handcuffs.

The car was found abandoned, and Blankenship was arrested at a family home two days later.

William Francis Blankenship = His plan if lawmen blink is "Car!"

Two brothers in South Carolina were arrested for having drugs in their car. However, there was further incriminating evidence, which they wanted to eliminate. To that end, Deangelo Mitchell, 23, convinced 20-year-old brother Wayne to swallow the ounce of cocaine that had been stashed within Deangelo's anus. The younger man died shortly thereafter. Deangelo - who was freed on bond just before his brother died - is therefore wanted on charges of involuntary manslaughter.

Wayne Mitchell = Yell "Chew it, man!"
Deangelo Mitchell = Old-time challenge.

Joshua Devonshire made the mistake of picking the wrong clerk when trying to buy petrol with a stolen credit card. The cashier recognised the 19-year-old Devonshire as a former classmate and noticed that the name on the card was her mother's. Devonshire fled.

He was seen later trying to return the stolen card to its owner's car. He was arrested after being seen sleeping in a car in the same cluster of buildings.

Joshua Devonshire = Have sojourns, hide

Wayne Comet Cripe did not hide a listening device under his wife's bed in order to catch her in the act. He explains that he'd hoped to do just the opposite: the 66-year-old Pennsylvania man wanted to make sure that he didn't enter that part of the house while she was having sex with her boyfriend. Cripe, whose wife contacted the police upon finding the bug, says that the device didn't work anyway.

Woman, cite creepy ~ Wayne Comet Cripe

In CCTV footage, Dean Dinnen is seen entering a pub in Hull while wielding a chainsaw. Drunk and high on drugs, Dinnen wanted to get back at the man who'd had him ejected about an hour earlier for lighting a cigarette inside the hostelry.

With the chainsaw, Dinnen severed tendons in a customer's arm and destroyed quite a few things. And Kevin Fletcher described being afraid he would die after falling over while trying to escape: "I could hear the chainsaw screaming behind me and I got the feeling he was right behind me." The locals, however, fought back and began throwing bar stools, kegs, and pool cues at the 24-year-old aggressor. They managed to overpower him.

Dinnen pleaded guilty to an array of charges and has been sentenced to three years in jail. Also, it turns out that the man he was after had already left the pub anyway.

Given that the pub was described as completely ruined:
Dean Dinnen ~ ended an inn.

A Vermont police officer was washing his car when he noticed something wrong with the 40 cm decal on the side. On account of his discovery, the Vermont Department of Corrections has announced that new decals are to be produced for its squad cars. It was four years ago when an artist at the relevant print shop, run by inmates at the state prison in St Albans, altered the state seal to include a pig within the spots of the cow.

The pig in the Vermont state seal =
Inmates leave test: Print the hog?

A 45-year-old Tulsa, Oklahoma, woman decided that a local Walmart would be a convenient place to handle all of her chores. That included buying various cleaning and medical supplies, and using them. When workers at the store noticed her dumping various items into a large bottle she was carrying through the aisles, they summoned the police.

One officer suffered slight burns from the mixture while he was removing both it and the woman from the Walmart. She has a police record for methamphetamine production, but none of her previous arrests involved trying to make it in public. Officer David Shelby said that the woman admitted that she was "in the process of trying to manufacture methamphetamine; however, she said that she was not very good at it".

Her name is Elizabeth Halfmoon. Her name anagrams to
"Oh, meth-lab-zone fail!"

New York's Todd J. Remis isn't satisfied with the photographs that were taken at his wedding, so he is suing the studio, which missed the last dance and the throwing of the bouquet, for the $4,100 cost of the photographs and for an additional $40,000 to redo the wedding so that proper photos can be taken.

Remis, whose wedding took place in 2003, isn't sure where the bride is now, however. She may have moved back to Latvia after the couple divorced.

Todd Remis = Mister Odd

Freemon Everett Seay punished his 16-year-old daughter for trying to run away from home. The 38-year-old Washington man started by using a willow switch on her. He then engaged her in battle with wooden swords for two hours, stopping at 4am, when she could no longer stand in the armour she had been made to wear for this. The girl later sent pictures of her injuries to friends, who contacted the authorities.

The Renaissance fair enthusiast was arrested, as was his wife, Julie May Seay, who works at the Loving and Learning Childcare Center.

Freemon Seay = Many foes 'ere.

According to authorities in Colorado Springs, Kevin Gaylor booked a date with a university student he'd "met" on the Web site Craigslist and then things got complicated. His girlfriend returned home for the evening. Therefore, when the Craigslist woman arrived at his home, Gaylor rang the emergency services to report that there was a gun-wielding burglar trying to get in.

Instead, it was the 24-year-old Gaylor himself who was arrested, for making a false report to authorities.

Kevin Gaylor =
Revoking lay
Aver "Lying OK"
Raving yokel!

A 30-year-old Florida woman, Oneal Ron Morris, faces charges of practising medicine without a licence after "enhancing" several women's buttocks with a variety of materials not designed for the purpose. Morris, who may have used the same procedures on herself as part of her gender readjustment, typically used a mixture of canned flat-tyre inflater Fix-A-Flat, cement, and mineral oil. In at least one case, Morris, who posed as a medical doctor, sealed the incision with superglue.

She was arrested and jailed after one victim was hospitalised with what the state department of health termed life-threatening injuries. According to Jennifer Hirst, the agency's deputy press secretary, the woman "sustained extensive disfigurement to her buttocks and scarring [and] had to undergo several blood transfusions and multiple surgeries [...] followed with home nursing care for several weeks".

Oneal Morris ~ is real moron.

Alexander Pratt, 59, and Clara Pearson, 53, saw a car that had been left running outside a Florida corner shop, so they decided to borrow it for a brief sexual encounter. Things might have gone better for them if the car they stole hadn't been in use by plain-clothes detectives at the time. The amorous couple were arrested not far away, where Pratt reported that he wasn't sorry for his actions, as he'd simply wanted to "have intimate relations with Pearson", according to a police report.

Alexander Pratt and Clara Pearson ~
are ardent. Plan: a patrol car and sex.

A man in a Spider-man mask demanded money from clerks at a corner shop in North Carolina. His sword did not deter the cashier from poking him in the belly with a broom. At the end of the ensuing struggle, Spider-man had no mask and no superpowers. He had also lost part of his ponytail. Spider-man's alter-ego Dale Foughty, 56, was found in a nearby home and arrested.

Dale Foughty = Fat old guy, eh?

Nevada's Justin Lew Harris summoned his mother to be a witness for his wedding. When she showed up at the church, she began objecting loudly to the ceremony. Therefore, the 35-year-old man carried her out of the church and back to her car. The younger Harris faces charges of disorderly conduct, possibly battery, and coercion, and Justice Tom Perkins has asked him to show respect for family members. His mother got her wish, as the wedding ended up being called off anyway, because there were no witnesses.

His case has yet to go to trial, but I can offer a prediction:

Justin Lew Harris ~ hurts. Jailers win.

Child-minder Teresa Coffey collapsed while looking after a one-month-old baby in a Greenlawn, New York, home. When the baby's father returned home, he found Coffey, 39, on the couch but couldn't find the baby. He soon found his son underneath Coffey. Neither had survived. Detective Lieutenant Gerard Pelkofsky said: "Because of the amount of flesh, it could have caused the baby to suffocate" - Coffey was termed "extremely heavy".

Eye fat's force:
Teresa Coffey

Stuart Keen, a 57-year-old carpenter in Wantage, was cutting wood for a cabinet when he cut himself with the saw. Paramedics found him bleeding in his bathtub. Physicians were able to re-attach his penis. His mother, Edna, said: "This was an unfortunate accident, but these things happen all the time to people in his profession." She nonetheless described him as "quite embarrassed".
If he plans to continue in carpentry, I can see his next job:

Stuart Keen = Task: neuter!

British Columbia's Rick Gillingham visited his university hospital for a painkiller, whereupon the doctor began asking questions about his cancer. Gillingham's insistence that he doesn't have cancer was met with remarks such as "It's all right; nobody can hear our conversation", until girlfriend Charlaine MacGillivray barged into the room. She could hear the conversation and was upset that Gillingham had kept his illness a secret.

Things became clearer when the physician asked "if you're not the one taking the phenobarbital, who is?": MacGillivray remembered that it was the dog. A veterinarian had prescribed the medicine to ease the symptoms of canine epilepsy, and the province's PharmaNet system had no way of indicating that Gillingham and his dog were different creatures. Adding to the confusion, the vet shares the same name as a prominent cancer specialist.

Canadian Rick Gillingham (and the dog Cooper) =
Chap doing good at "man hiding a killer cancer"?

Hunter Lacey complains that his Montana restaurant has seen a dramatic decrease in business because of its listing in the telephone directory. He says that the problems began in 2009, with "a series of phone calls [...] where it was either people in earnest asking us to come and remove carcasses or prank calls". The listing of Bar 3 Bar-B-Q under "Animal Carcass Removal" later spread to other telephone directories, and in January of this year, Jay Leno called attention to it on television. Lacey is now suing the phone book's publishing company, Dex Media.

He contends that the listing was a Dex Media employee's deliberate retaliation for Lacey's refusal to buy an advertisement from him. In a response filed with the court, Dex Media lawyer Gregory Black stated that someone from the restaurant was negligent in berating a Dex Media employee and should have seen the potential for negative consequences.
But Lacey is lucky in one thing - he is quite anagrammable:

Hunter Lacey = Lunacy there
Hunter Lacey = "Eat yer lunch!"

A Massachusetts man tried to return the van his wife had purchased, because it was a "lemon". The dealer refused. The van did function well enough for David Cross to visit the dealership, in New Hampshire, and plough it into six vehicles. He said: "I didn't hit a car under $20,000. Then I moved a van that they wouldn't come down on the price for." When the van would no longer move, Cross flagged down a police officer and reported what he'd done.

David Cross ~ is odd vs. car.

Walter Powell, 52, used to be director of IT for Baltimore Substance Abuse Systems. When he was sacked, in late 2009, his password remained active, which allowed him to forward some workers' e-mail messages to other employees, send a company-wide e-mail from CEO Greg Warren's account, and adjust a presentation Warren was giving before a board composed of city officials and foundation heads. The Baltimore Sun describes it thus: "Suddenly his computer shut down, then restarted, replacing the latest slide with an image of a naked woman onto a 64-inch screen."

His sentence for the porn stunt is three years of probation and 100 hours of community service. The guns and materials for homemade silencers that police found in a search of his home have netted him federal charges.

Tell law, "power = Walter Powell."
Or, for a less BOFHly alternative:
Walter C. Powell =

When a woman at a recent yoga festival in Boulder, Colorado, noticed "movement in the tank" of a portaloo, she asked a nearby man to have a look. He reported that someone covered in tarpaulin was inside. At this point, excreta-covered Luke Ivan Chrisco, 30, fled the scene, evading a festival security officer.

He was arrested while panhandling about a week later, and an officer noticed his similarity to the toilet suspect. Chrisco later said, from jail: "It seems terrible, but it didn't actually smell that bad or anything. [...] I still would have done it even if it smelled a little weird, because where there is muck, there is gold." He admitted to spying on up to 200 women. The police have contacted business-owners so that they can seal the various peepholes that he'd created.

Luke Chrisco = Oh, sick! Cruel!
Luke I. Chrisco = Choice's "I lurk."

According to AFP reports, 53-year-old paroled sex offender Isabel Chavelo Gutierrez rode his bicycle to a rural Texas home, broke in, produced a knife, and began raping the 77-year-old resident. The elderly woman later stated that Gutierrez complained during the rape that he felt ill and stopped having sex with her so that he could rest.

Shortly thereafter, he rolled over and died. Believing he had passed out drunk, she left in haste. Investigators believe he suffered a heart attack related to his bike ride on a hot summer day.

Isabel Chavelo Gutierrez = Geezer's behaviour: act ill...
Mister Isabel Chavelo Gutierrez = Let's Archive Bizarre Eulogies(TM)

About six months ago, Bank of America sent foreclosure papers to a Florida couple who didn't owe anything on their home. In fact, they had paid cash for the house. Maurenn Nyergers and her husband proved this in court, and the judge ordered Bank of America to pay their legal fees.

Five months later, after telephone calls and letters, the North-Carolina-based bank still hadn't done so. Therefore, the couple's attorney, Todd Allen, had sheriff's deputies foreclose on the bank. They removed desks, photocopiers, cash in the tellers' desks, etc. About an hour after being locked out of the building, the bank manager presented Allen with a cheque for the legal fees. Allen said: "As a foreclosure defense attorney this is sweet justice."

The Bank of America =
Botchin' a fee -> karma.

According to AFP reports, an amateur beekeeper in Australia decided that the night after an alcohol-enhanced comedy festival would be a good time to move a beehive. Andrew Short explained that he'd thought the bees would be asleep since it was after midnight, and his wife's absence added to what he'd figured would be good timing.

He had successfully removed the beehive from his back garden and, hive in hand, begun climbing his ladder to the bees' new home when the bees objected. While being stung more than 60 times, he finished the job, depositing the hive on the roof of his house.

Andrew Short = Drones' wrath.

California's Michelle Elaine Astumian was dreading her court date: she was to be sentenced for forging drug prescriptions. Astumian, 41, therefore presented a doctor's note asking for a postponement. The prosecutor rang the relevant physician, who confirmed that the note indeed was a forgery.

At this point, the judge ordered Astumian to be taken into custody, so she collapsed to the floor and was taken to a local hospital by ambulance. She is to be sentenced later.

"Enemies, I am _all_ unethical" = Michelle Elaine Astumian
Michelle E. Astumian = Unethical, semi-lame.

The owner of Verona Pizza, in Pennsylvania, saw Nickolas Galiatsatos enter the loo with a bag but then emerge carrying nothing. He alerted two police officers in the pizza parlour, who found footprints on a toilet seat under the ceiling tiles. And a bag of mice. The officers started looking for Galiatsatos and found him near another pizza parlour, where he had been seen putting something in a rubbish bin. A bag was found there too, with five mice inside.

Upper Darby Police Superintendent Michael Chitwood explained that Galiatsatos, who owns a pizza shop of his own, had planted mice from a local pet shop in his competitors' restaurants to get them closed down.

Mr Nickolas Galiatsatos = Stocking salami. Rats also.

Arizona's The Daily Miner reports that a man was told to leave his weapon behind before attending a county supervisors' meeting, which members of the public are free to attend. He tried to enter the building with his pitchfork anyway but was stopped.

Judge pro tempore Paul Julien has now ruled that Mervin Fried was not guilty of third-degree trespassing. Julien pointed out that people with holstered shotguns are allowed inside the building and that, therefore, denying access to someone with a "holstered" pitchfork was arbitrary.

It takes real guts to carry a pitchfork to a meeting, even if just a small team meeting at the office.

Mervin Fried = I'd firm nerve.

Florida community college student Harrun Majeed dropped his credit card in a car park. When he returned home and asked the bank to cancel the card, he was informed that it had just been used at a pizzeria in the Polk County shopping plaza where he had dropped it.

The bank alerted the police, who, arriving at the pizzeria, found visiting 51-year-old Michigan dentist Richard Lewis Ludwig waiting for two pizzas with extra olives, a $40.64 purchase paid for with Majeed's credit card. The police asked Ludwig whether he was having money problems. Ludwig, who had $250 in cash in his wallet, replied with an "Absolutely not!" and put his net worth at upwards of $3 million.

The dentist Richard Ludwig =
Hunger hit. "I'd test wild card."

Forty-eight subscribers to Ontario's Woodstock Sentinel-Review received a censored version. The New-Zealand-earthquake-related front-page headline "The hellish reality" had been cut from each copy.

The censor was a newspaper carrier who objected to the word "hellish". The publisher, Andrea DeMeer, said: "This is certainly a first. Obviously we are deeply apologetic to subscribers who received mutilated newspapers today."

Woodstock Sentinel-Review =
OK, let's now view it censored: "                   ".

Cody Wilkins noticed that his mobile phone needed to charge, so he plugged it in. The problem, for him, is that he then left without it, jumping out of a window when one of the people whose home he'd been burgling returned to the building.

The police found the phone, which easily led to the 25-year-old Wilkins. He has been charged in connection with several burglaries.

Cody Wilkins = Nick wily sod.
Not that wily, it seems.

Prosecutors have charged Tihomir Petrov with two counts of urination in a public place. The public place was the office door of a fellow mathematics professor at California State University at Northridge. Investigators say that the urination was motivated by a dispute between the two teachers.

Petrov wouldn't have been caught if he'd committed the offence only once. However, officials at the university had set up a surveillance camera after the first incident.

Professor Tihomir Petrov ~ is pervert or imp, forsooth.

Connecticut's Robert Michelson wanted to be careful, so he rang the emergency services to ask how much trouble he could find himself in if growing just one marijuana plant. The dispatcher told him that he could be arrested for growing the drug. Michelson thanked the dispatcher for the information and hung up.

A short while later, officers paid a visit to the 21-year-old Michelson's home, where they found a small amount of marijuana and drug paraphernalia.

Robert Michelson = Lost on herb crime.

A police report in Whitefish Bay, Wisconsin, states that officers were called to a law office in response to "a report of a naked postal carrier in the building's hallway". Later, postman David A. Goodman, 52, explained that a woman on his rounds had seemed "stressed out" and that, to cheer her up, he offered to arrive naked next time. He took her response as a dare to do so. She wasn't happy with the result, and he returned 20 minutes later, fully clothed, to apologise. After his arrest for lewd and lascivious behaviour, Goodman admitted that delivering mail while naked probably wasn't a good idea.

David A. Goodman = Avoid mad gonad!

An Oklahoma woman told the police that her 18-year-old daughter had advertised child-minding services on the Craigslist Web site. When a "David" asked her to watch his 19-year-old autistic son at her home, the older woman took on the job herself. She did feel uncomfortable with the young man becoming sexually aroused when she cleaned him during nappy changes, and with him grabbing her daughter's chest but tried not to let these things bother her.

Eventually, however, it became clear that this man was "David", or 21-year-old Mark Anthony Richardson, Jr, and that he had pretended to be autistic for what he later admitted was a "sexual purpose". At least one other child-minder had fallen for his tricks.

Richardson has been charged with felonious sexual battery (for the breast-grabbing) and seven counts of misdemeanour outrage to public decency (for seven nappy changes).

Mark Anthony Richardson = Horny sham tard can irk, no?

Two men robbed a delivery driver for Fu Wong Restaurant at gunpoint in Springfield, Massachusetts, stealing the food, $200, a mobile phone, and a ring. Apparently still hungry, one of the men, 23-year-old Edward Blatch, visited the restaurant later in the day. The reason we know his identity is that the driver was there and recognised him. The driver and cooks held Blatch until the police arrived.

Edward Blatch = Wretch. Bad lad.

Rhonda Coshatt was checking up on dozing niece Lyndsey Fiddler when she heard Fiddler's washing machine make clunking noises at the end of its cycle. Coshatt discovered Fiddler's 10-day-old baby, Maggie Trammel, entangled with the laundry within.

In a call to emergency services, Coshatt is heard to say to Fiddler: "No, I did not kill your baby. You did."

According to court documents, the mother had been using methamphetamine, amphetamines, benzodiazepine, and opiates. An arrest for drug use while she was pregnant led Fiddler's family to try to get her children taken into care. Now, her remaining two boys have been.

The druggie Lyndsey Dawn Fiddler =
Did she fret? Deny laundry wiggled?

Sarah Glidden is a 15-year-old high-school student who was involved in a collision. At a cross-country track meet, she was about 100 metres from the end of a race when a deer entered her path at high speed on its way out of nearby woods. She was turned around by the impact but suffered only a bruised leg.

Sarah Glidden = Are hinds glad?

Mitchell Marsicano, 55, gave his dog Snowball to tenants in the upstairs flat in the building he owned in Long Island, but he then wanted to see the animal later. The tenants contacted the police after walking in on Marsicano apparently sexually abusing the 10-kilo dog in their flat.

Snowball has been taken to an animal shelter, and Marsicano has been charged with sexual misconduct, attempted sexual misconduct, and burglary. He faces up to 16 years in prison.

Mitchell Marsicano = Immoral canis letch.

Eric Swensson, the chief of police in Sebeka, Minnesota, contacted law enforcement officials to report that ammunition, stun grenades, a police radio, a pair of night-vision goggles, and other police equipment had been stolen from his home. Three days later, he rang the sheriff's office again, this time to report that he had found the items: one or more of his children had taken the items to their backyard fort.

News on crises -
Eric Swensson, ~
winces re: sons.

Daniel Collins wanted to make sure his construction crew's project wasn't affecting the Raymore, Missouri, sewer system, so he climbed into a manhole to check. The 30-year-old man was carried away on a current of raw sewage and swept through the pipe. Just before the sewer line passed under the lake of the local golf course, he caught hold of grates under the 15th green. Emergency crews found the bruised Collins curled into the foetal position and lifted him to safety. Collins, who told paramedics that he hoped his wife wouldn't be angry at him, was listed as in critical condition.

Daniel Collins = Ill an' closed in.

In Gallatin, Tennessee, 20-year-old Dustin Matthew Marshall walked out of a Walmart store in a pair of stolen jeans. The reason we know it was Marshall, and the reason he and his 19-year-old female accomplice have been booked into the county jail, is that he had left his old jeans behind. In one of the pockets was his wallet.

A search of the duo's home revealed evidence of other crimes, and the charge sheet has been scaled up accordingly.

Dustin Matthew Marshall = Thus Walmart denim halts.

Florida's 19-year-old Joseph Williams liked to steal iPhones from AT&T stores by detaching the cables that tied the units to the display. Perhaps this was not the subtlest of approaches, given that he had tattooed the words "I'm Me" on his face and his physiognomy also bore a money bag and teardrop. Several witnesses' descriptions and camera footage helped to link him to several iPhone thefts.

I will diss major phone fail: Joseph Williams in Florida.

Dallas Amber Smith, 18, was drinking with friends in Washington when they challenged her to perform a back flip. She agreed but received teasing as soon as the smell of her feet hit the air. Prosecutors summarise the ensuing events by saying that she stabbed a 19-year-old man for telling her that her feet smelled. He was found with a steak knife protruding from his back. The other end of the knife caused his lung to collapse. Smith faces charges of second-degree assault with a deadly weapon.

Amber Dallas Smith = I smell drama/baths.

Italian tax police have expressed an interest in the head of the Vatican Bank, Ettore Gotti Tedeschi. He is now under investigation for certain financial irregularities.

Ettore Gotti Tedeschi of Rome ~ decrees "I forgot to tithe to me!"

Bernadette Music wanted help meeting men. The 43-year-old Norwood, Ohio, woman decided to request help with this, by ringing the emergency number. She was drunk at the time but not too drunk to forget this clever idea, which she acted upon a few more times. After her arrest in connection with the calls (and with urinating in the hallway of her apartment building), she explained her actions: "I'm very brave and bold." She spent three days in jail for the offences.

Bernadette Music ~ cites date number. Meet disturbance: Bernadette Music.

In Florida, police officer Jason Moore asked dispatchers to send out a call about a suspicious person peering into cars at a local shopping mall. The idea was that Moore's girlfriend, also a cop, would show up at the scene and he could then confess his love to her. The dispatchers agreed with the plan, but Moore got more than he had bargained for: several officers showed up at the shopping centre "crime scene". The two dispatchers and Moore all were fired.

Jason Moore = Major noose.

German network administrator Oliver Beel was fired from his job, after 19 years with the company, for charging his Segway at work for 1.5 hours in May 2009. A court has now ruled that sacking Beel was not proportionate to the theft of 1.8 euro cents' worth of electricity. The court pointed out that, for example, other employees were not fired for charging mobile phones or digital photo frames at work.

I love rebel ~ Oliver Beel.

Police officers have visited Walter and Rose Martin's home in Brooklyn, New York, at least 50 times since 2002, searching for drug dealers, rape suspects, and others. The most recent search left the World War II veteran with worryingly high blood pressure, and the police promised to resolve the issue. They explained that the address had been used as a test case for a new computer system and that the Martins' 2007 report of their troubles had led to its removal from some but not all of the systems. Rose Martin, who wants a letter of apology, remains unconvinced that the problems are over.

The previous owner of the home said that he had left the area in 1997 because police and fire crews kept showing up. "I always thought I was being targeted personally - and, to be honest with you, it freaks me out that it's happening again," he said.

Warrants tire mean old ~ Walter and Rose Martin.

Oklahoma City's Rondell Bailey walked into the police station and offered a stick to various of the officers there. He explained that this was payment for crashing his truck in a nearby car park, and that it was the last tree on Earth. Officers' refusal of this payment annoyed Bailey, who left the building and then threw a brick through the jail window. When he was arrested, officers found what they believe to be methamphetamine in his truck.

Rondell Bailey = Beyond "real ill"

Those fortunate enough to visit, for example, Manchester in winter 2009-10 and stay at the Holiday Inn had the opportunity to try out a new service: at no charge, a member of hotel staff would don a fleece sleeper suit and warm up the bed to 20 degrees Celsius.

Before anyone gets excited at the thought of busty lasses pre-heating their bed, I should warn you of the cold, hard anagrammatical truth:

The Holiday Inn bed-warmer service =
NB: They are weird old Irish cavemen.

The last time the US printed $500 bank notes was 1945. A cleaning lady at a hotel in Malaysia didn't know this when 50-year-old Lebanese guest Elie Youssef Najem presented her with one as a tip, but, thanks to a local money-changer, she soon did.

Izany Abdul Ghany, the head of Kuala Lumpur's commercial crime unit, reported that police found bundles of $500, $100,000, and $1 million notes in "Lord Elie"'s hotel room. He could face up to 10 years in jail.

For a long time, he has been passing himself off as a multi-millionaire, and he has been in trouble for fraud in the past. There is no word yet on the billion ringgit he has pledged to the Malaysian Cancer Council.

"Lord" Elie Youssef Najem ~ uses old "free money". Jail!

Jail trashy, rotten ~ Trista Joy Lathern.

The explanation:
After almost eight months of married life, Trista Joy Lathern was desperate to save her relationship. When a benign lump was discovered in one of her breasts, she decided to tell her husband that it was cancerous, so that he wouldn't leave her. She decided it would further help her marriage to have her breasts enlarged. The obvious way to finance this was shave her head and get people to donate $10,000 for her life-saving surgery at a benefit event. She got caught.

An alternative anagram:

Trista Lathern = Traits enthral.

It shouldn't be hard to guess what crime Samuel Botchvaroff is charged with.

Samuel Botchvaroff = Car movable, thus off!

But the style of his latest crime was something special:
Samuel Botchvaroff, 24, was arraigned on auto theft charges in Valleja, California. After his court appearance, he got back in his car and was promptly arrested because it wasn't his car. Botchvaroff, 24, explained that his own vehicle had been impounded and that he'd had no other way to get to court but to steal a car that morning. Further auto theft charges are pending.

Aaron Siebers really didn't want to go to work, it seems. Police in Edgewater, Colorado, explain that Siebers called in sick at the video store where he works, reporting that he had been attacked by three men dressed in black - either Hispanics or skinheads. Five police agencies rolled in and found that Siebers had been knifed in the leg and suffered various superficial cuts. Under questioning, Siebers admitted that he had made up the story and stabbed himself.

We might wonder what was going through his head or what his work environment was like. But we need wonder no longer.

Aaron Siebers     Reason: rabies!

On the day before his wedding, Florida's John Tabutt, 62, heard someone in his home and fired his gun at the figure in the hallway. Naturally, he had thought his live-in wife-to-be, 62-year-old Nancy Dinsmore, was in bed. Well, she wasn't. She was pronounced dead while a sobbing Tabutt looked on.

John Tabutt = That nut-job.

A rather disturbing news item: Michigan's Aimee Louise Sword gave up her five-year-old son for adoption about a decade ago. The 35-year-old Sword recently got back in touch with him over the Internet. She is accused of seducing him and successfully cultivating a sexual relationship with him. Others, defending Sword, claim that he was the one doing the seducing and that she was taken advantage of.

Mrs. Aimee L. Sword = Weird lass. Er, ...Mom?!

Mrs. Aimee Louise Sword = Issue: A weird, loser mom.
= Semi-desirous "Lower, Ma!"

Police in Lincoln, Nebraska, report that 19-year-old Sando Dshaw Hamilton recently was found wandering around Wilderness Park in the nude. He explained to the police that a man with a gun had tried to rob him and, since Hamilton had no money, taken his clothes. He later admitted, however, that the police had caught him while he was looking for his clothing, which he'd removed earlier in the day because of the heat. He was arrested for indecent exposure and making a false statement to the police.

Sando Hamilton = A doltish man, no?

Oregon's Raibin Osman was unhappy with the service at McDonald's. The 20-year-old man rang the emergency services to complain that the McDonald's employee had been impolite and not given him the orange juice he'd ordered. Sheriff's sergeant David Thompson said that Osman rebuffed officers who told him the emergency number should not be used for fixing fast-food orders. Meanwhile, a McDonald's employee rang 911 to complain that Osman and those with him were blocking the drive-through lane and knocking repeatedly on the McDonald's windows.

Raibin Osman = I am no-brains.

Francis Woodruff = Crowd of ruffians.

It does appear that that's his element:

Rochelle Wyler, an analyst at the Connecticut Police Academy, claims that co-worker Police Captain Francis Woodruff annoyed her by calling her a clerk. She replied "Bite me!" and Woodruff was arrested a short while later for doing just that. At the time of the arrest, Wyler was found to have tooth marks and bruising on the back of her left arm. Woodruff explained that he was joking.

Illinois's Stephen Crane is unhappy with the marital counselling he and his wife, Maureen, received from parish priest Christopher Floss. After several sessions of one-on-one therapy, Maureen left Stephen and Floss left the Roman Catholic priesthood.

Crane is suing Floss and the diocese, with the charges including professional negligence, alienation of affection, and negligence in supervision and retention of the priest. Crane is seeking money to help raise his children and to pay for therapy from a medical professional.

Christopher Floss = Hot flesh! R.I.P., cross.

In the course of her duties cleaning homes in Lincoln, Nebraska, Mary E. McDaniel hatched a plot to steal the safe of a client who owned several businesses. The 52-year-old McDaniel recruited an accomplice to distract the woman while two others grabbed the safe from her house. The five then split the haul. McDaniel netted about $80, rather less than the $15,000 she had envisioned. All five involved in the theft have been arrested.

Mary E. McDaniel = My maid/cleaner.

A tavern in Minnesota is letting people smoke inside, despite a state law banning smoking in bars. Since the law makes an exception for theatrical performances, the owners of Barnacle's Resort decided to make every Saturday night a theatre evening. Customers pay $1 for an "ACT NOW!" button and proceedings in the bar are transformed into theatre and the cigarettes into props.

Ten "real actors'" breath ~ at the Barnacle Resort.

When a plank hit Brooklyn, New York, construction worker Brian Persaud on the head, he was taken to the New York-Presbyterian Hospital Weill Cornell emergency room. He was given eight stitches. When a resident told him that he needed a rectal examination as well, he objected. A struggle ensued, in which the 38-year-old Persaud hit a doctor and shouted: "Where I came from, you don't put anything in someone's ass!" Persaud was sedated, given the rectal exam, and later arrested. He was released without charges and is now suing the hospital for malpractice.

Brian Persaud = I'd ban "Rears up!".
= Urban despair

Ernesto Ponce, 19, stole a pickup truck from a dealership in Roseburg, Oregon, but abandoned the vehicle when a tyre blew. He then swiped a car from a nearby driveway. The engine overheated about 15 minutes later, and the car caught fire at a junction. Jeff Herbert, who pulled over to help with a fire extinguisher, found his pickup truck next on the list. According to Herbert, "he jumped in when I had my back to him." Ponce again didn't get far: an encounter with a police spike strip left him with two punctured tyres and an appointment with a ditch. He was arrested.

Ernesto Ponce = One cop enters.

He's being charged with various things but we don't know yet whether he'll get a "poor sentence".

South Carolina farmer Sampson Parker reached into his rusty corn harvester to remove a stalk when the mechanical rollers that shuck the corn pulled his glove and then his hand inside. Parker was able to reach an iron bar to jam into the chain-and-sprocket driving the rollers. After about an hour of crying for help, he felt his hand go numb and began cutting off his fingers with his pocketknife to free himself. When the sprocket grinding against the bar threw off sparks that set the machine and grass on fire, he said, "[m]y skin was [...] dripping off my arm like plastic melting. I realised I was in trouble." As he cut the flesh from his arm, he said, the fire kept him from passing out from the shock. He then dropped to the ground, using his weight to break the bone. Then a tyre exploded, and the force threw him clear of the flames.

Parker drove his truck into the nearest road to wave down a car for help. Motorists drove on the hard shoulder to get round him, until passing firefighter Doug Spinks saw him, wrapped the arm, and summoned help. Parker spent three weeks at a burn centre, and about 25 neighbours finished harvesting his corn for him. He said he is at peace with the incident, as "it really wasn't the corn picker's fault; it was my fault."

Sampson Parker = Arm snapper's OK.

In 2005, in family court proceedings in Niagara Falls, New York, Judge Robert Restaino heard a mobile telephone ring in the public seating area. When no-one seated there came forward to identify the owner of the telephone, Restaino ordered 46 people to be taken into police custody. Most were released on bond, while 14 were thrown into the county jail. The New York State Commission on Judicial Conduct has now described this as causing "irreparable damage to public confidence in the fair and proper administration of justice in his court" and has removed Restaino from the bench.

Robert Restaino = Obstinate error.

Matt Wilkenson of Portland, Oregon, had been drinking with friends and wanted to impress them with how tame his pet snakes were. He probably did impress them when he put his pet eastern diamondback rattlesnake in his mouth, head first. He also ended up with the snake attached to the back of his throat. As the venom took effect, his tongue began to swell and he found breathing difficult. After a little antivenom, a breathing tube, and a three-day induced coma, Wilkenson admitted that "it's actually kind of my own stupid fault", adding that "they said I had enough venom in me to kill between 12 and 15 people".

Oregon's Matt Wilkenson =
Let snake sting moron - Ow!
= Snake worn on me glottis.

Sandra Hickey of Pittsfield, Maine, couldn't find her house key and was convinced that someone had taken it. The 58-year-old woman rang emergency number 911 more than a dozen times in the space of five days to report the problem, according to Sergeant Timothy Roussin of the town's police force. Hickey sometimes admitted that there wasn't an emergency or claimed that she had information on a murder, but the topic always returned to the key. Hickey, who allegedly was intoxicated at the time of the calls, is being charged with abuse of the emergency number. She had been warned several times about this possibility.

The missing house key had been returned without Hickey's knowledge, according to Roussin.

I wonder whether Roussin had any off-the-record comments, such as:

Sandra Hickey = "Cranky", he said.

A 21-year-old man in the Philippines reportedly saved a neighbour who had tried to hang himself. After taking the suicidal man to hospital, Reynandro Platon returned home, where his wife allegedly took him to task for drinking and thus complicating his diabetes symptoms. Joseph Dino of the Quezon City police district said that Platon waited for his housemates to fall asleep, then went to the second storey of the home with a yellow nylon cord and hanged himself.

Reynandro Platon suicides = Nylon rope. Is dead. Curtains.

Illinois's Arthur Friedman sued his wife's lover, German Blinov, under an "alienation of affection" law. The wife, Natalie, explained in court that the problem is not that she was having sex with Blinov - after all, her husband had asked her to have sex with other men and women as a way of livening up the relationship - but that she started to have feelings for him. Arthur said: "This guy ruined my life - he back-stabbed me." A jury, which reportedly referred to the case as "stupid" and the law as "ridiculous", ordered Blinov to pay $4,802.

Arthur Friedman ~ in further drama!

When two-year-old Adonis Ribott's birthday party ended, at about 2am, his mother Luz Marie Ramos bade him farewell and his father Danny Ribot started to drive him home - but then parked the car at an auto body shop, leaving the boy inside. Ribot walked the rest of the way, then couldn't find his house keys so rang the doorbell to summon his mother. She says she asked: "Where did you leave the car?" and "Where's the baby?". She continued: "He smiled and just went upstairs. I figured maybe the baby's with his mama." When Ribot woke at 11am and noticed that his son was not asleep beside him, he rang Ramos, and his own mother rang the police. Ramos's parents saw the car at the car repair shop and rescued Adonis. Ramos indicated that Ribot, who claimed not to remember what had happened the previous night, might have had a drink or two at the party.

Danny Ribot = Into brandy?

Escambia, Florida, police arrested Cheveon Alonzo Ford after his 292nd illegitimate call to emergency services since 1 July. The 21-year-old Ford explained to the officers that he had made the calls because 911 is the only number that he was able to reach, since he had run out of minutes on his telephone plan.

Cheveon A. Ford = Need for havoc?

Sylvette Wimberly of Houston, Texas, said that she has figured out why she began receiving lewd and embarrassing telephone calls and e-mail messages. Former high-school classmate Lara Madden had decided to borrow her name for use in her videos in the adult film industry. Wimberly is suing Madden and the producer of her videos, alleging invasion of privacy and emotional distress - for example, former classmates contacted her upon hearing that she was a porn star - and she has filed an injunction aimed at getting Madden to stop calling herself Sylvette Wimberly.

It's clear why Madden liked the name:

Sylvette Wimberly ~ met very best willy!

A Florida jury convicted Terry Lee Alexander on charges of indecent exposure because he was masturbating in his jail cell while a female deputy was monitoring the cell from a camera control room. Sheriff's office spokesman Elliot Cohen said that, while masturbation in Broward County jails normally is punished by a restriction of privileges, the agency now is encouraging deputies to press criminal charges, in hopes of eradicating the behaviour. Coryus Veal is heeding this advice; Alexander is the eighth person she has charged with in-cell masturbation in the last six months, in each affidavit describing the activity as conducted in a "vulgar and indecent manner" and thus fulfilling one of the criteria set forth in the state's indecent exposure statute.

Beneath that prudish exterior:

Coryus Veal = Saucy lover.

An armed and masked bandit stole $75 and two cartons of cigarettes from a petrol station in Florida. After the police arrived, someone noticed that the robber had left a case leaning against a display rack. Within was a receipt for an AK-47 purchase, bearing the name of Eric Cunningham. Officers arrested the 18-year-old man at his home a few kilometres from the petrol station.

Eric Cunningham = Nice rich gunman?

A woman rang the Elk Grove, California, police to report that her eight-year-old grandson had taken the keys to the family car and gone for a drive. Officer Chris Trim said that the boy ignored officers' flashing lights and sirens. Police followed him at 40-55 km/h for five to 10 minutes, in which time he caused a collision, injuring another driver.

The boy stopped the car at his house, where his mother, Heather Bollinger, greeted officers by hitting them in the chest. Neighbour Sue Wu said: "The mom just ran out of the house and started fighting with police" and that she was spitting and scratching. Bollinger was arrested, and the boy is in his grandmother's care.

Heather Bollinger = The hollering bear.

Dearborn, Michigan, city council member Doug Thomas said: "If you're a cop and you're arresting people and you're confiscating the marijuana and keeping it yourself, that's bad." The officer in question, Edward Sanchez, had his wife bake the drug into brownies. He remained under the radar until he rang 911 to report: "I think we're dying. We made brownies and I think we're dead. I really do."

After the emergency call, he initially claimed that his wife had obtained the dope from his car herself but later confessed. The police department decided to allow him to resign from his job and thus avoid prosecution.

Edward Sanchez, Dearborn Police = Cops ended clear brownie hazard.

While on a costume-party-themed pub crawl with other medical professionals in Florida, Brevard County physician Raymond Adamcik, 54, chose to be Captain America. He also allegedly chose to place a burrito in his blue tights and ask women whether they wanted to touch it. One woman rang the police to report that he groped her when she refused. When officers arrived, an identity parade of the Captain Americas on the pub crawl was held. The woman pointed out Adamcik, whose burrito was found in his boot.

Officers reported that, while in a police holding cell, Captain America removed a marijuana cigarette from his tights and tried to flush it down the toilet. He now faces charges of battery, disorderly conduct, drug possession, and attempting to destroy evidence.

Raymond Adamcik = I am odd, am cranky, ...

Washington's Julie Anderson, 48, apparently was displeased with a haircut she received at her regular salon, Stage 1 in Richland. According to Police Captain Mike Cobb, she returned to the salon and, when her regular stylist arrived, pulled a gun on her and demanded $100. Salon employees gave her the money. Anderson began to drive away but decided to fire at least one shot into the rear window of the stylist's car first. She threw the gun through the broken window and headed to another hair salon in the area for a trim to fix a bad haircut from some time ago. Cobb said she apparently paid with some of the money from Stage 1. She was arrested when she left the salon and could face charges of first-degree robbery and second-degree malicious mischief.

Julie Anderson's "bad hair day" = Salon injured by sad airhead.

Baltimore police detective Gregory Jenkins ended his incident report with: "Again, this really happened"...
First, Sunday Smith reported on 20 April 2005 that a gunman ordered her and a friend out of their car, then drove off with it. Two weeks later, the police received another call: Smith had found the car parked near where it had been stolen. It was promptly towed to a police station. Two hours later, the police received a third call concerning the vehicle. Gregory Alston, 20, wished to report it stolen. When officers brought Alston to the station, he told Deputy Maj. Jim Rood that he'd bought the car in March. Rood didn't buy this story, as Alston "didn't know who he bought it from ... he didn't know anything - so finally he just owned up" and admitted to stealing Sunday's car. As to why Alston chose to report the disappearance of the vehicle, Jenkins explained in his report that Alston had left his wallet inside and "was trying to retrieve it without drawing suspicion to himself".

Gregory Alston = Loser got angry...

Police in Manchester, New Hampshire, say that Lillian Carter, 84, went to Elliot Hospital to collect her son Ron, 49, at his dismissal from the facility. Driving to the hospital's entrance, she hit the accelerator pedal rather than the brake. The car sped forward and struck her son as he was walking to meet her. The car then connected with a concrete pillar. Ron Carter was admitted to the hospital with serious injuries, and his mother too is now a patient there.

Lillian Carter = "Car? I'll learn it."

Locked out of his stepmother's home, Michael Urbano figured he would simply enter via the Hayward, California, home's chimney. The 23-year-old Urbano took off his clothes, which he figured could hinder his descent, and began to rappel down the chimney with the aid of a cable television wire attached to the roof. When the cable snapped, he fell until becoming wedged about three quarters of the way down the chimney. About four hours later, his calls for help prompted a neighbour to ring the police. Officers arrived at shortly after 6:30am, found Urbano's clothes at the bottom of the chimney, and spent the next hour pushing the naked man back up to the roof. Police lieutenant Gary Branson said that Urbano, who suffered minor injuries in the incident, was then arrested for being high on drugs.

Michael Urbano = Lamebrain. (Ouch.)

When prisoners were allowed back into Missouri's Dallas County Detention Center after having set the facility on fire in an escape attempt, they were in for a surprise. Sheriff Mike Rackley had ordered the walls to be painted pink - a colour that several studies have reported as having a soothing effect in institutional settings. Also, the paint job features blue teddy bears.

Rackley summed up: "[W]e made it like a day care, and that's kind of like what it is, a day care for adults who can't control their behavior in public."

Dallas County Detention Center =
No tenant's diary noted: "Cute cell!"

Lisa Marie Nowak was a married mother of three and a NASA astronaut, but she wanted something more: to cement her relationship with fellow astronaut Bill Oefelein. To this end, she drove from Texas to Florida - wearing nappies on the journey in order to save some time - to meet romantic rival Colleen Shipman in the Orlando airport car park.

According to a police report, Shipman noticed a woman following her at the airport, so she locked herself in her car. When Nowak failed to gain access to the car, she began to cry and said she couldn't hear Shipman. Shipman then rolled down her car window "about two inches", and Nowak sprayed her with pepper spray. After Shipman drove off and reported the incident, an officer saw Nowak place some items in a rubbish bin, among them a wig and BB pistol. Also, she was carrying a steel mallet, folding knife, rubber tubing, and large plastic bags.

Nowak, 43, explained to the police that she had planned to abduct Shipman in order to have a conversation with her about Oefelein.

Lisa Marie Nowak = Mania, so warlike.
Colleen Shipman = Hellion encamps.
Mr. Bill Oefelein, NASA = I'll be fine alone... Mars?

Rosie Costello of Tacoma, Washington, has admitted in court that she has collected more than $200,000 in welfare benefits over the last 20 years as a result of coaching her two children to fake mental retardation. Costello, now 46, began coaching her daughter to feign retardation when the girl was four years old, and her son from age eight. The situation came to light after Costello's now-26-year-old son, Pete, contested a traffic ticket in court without difficulty. His sibling has not been located, and his mother has pleaded guilty of conspiracy to defraud the government.

Rosie Costello = Lie scores loot.

Staff at Winnipeg's Headingly jail discovered that prisoners at this "tobacco-free" facility were using boiled Nicorette gum and tea leaves as a substitute, which they rolled in pages from Gideon Bibles in order to make cigarettes. Prison superintendent Cathy Sandney described the illicit activity as "very discreet". Speaking for Gideons International, who place the Bibles in jails, Ron Muir said: "They've destroyed about 50 Bibles. They're going to need more Bibles and I'll bring them more."

Nicorette gum and Bibles and some tea make ~
inmates sob and deem cigarette unsmokable.

Harry Titlow decided to kill his uncle so he could use the insurance money for a sex-change operation. Titlow's aunt, who helped pour alcohol down her husband's throat and suffocate him, gave Titlow $70,000 and a car. She has been acquitted. Titlow, now "Vonlee Titlowz", faces trial in January.

Harry Titlow =

Wisconsin's Armando Cortez was angry at his estranged wife, so he decided to repeatedly ram his van into the side of her Ford Escort. Witnesses say the 34-year-old Fond Du Lac man hit the car 20-30 times, stopping only when the Escort had been pushed 47 feet and was up against a tree. Cortez told officers he had bought the car for his wife so he knew it was hers; however, the car he rammed belonged to her neighbour. Police said alcohol likely played a part in Cortez's actions. He has been charged with two counts of criminal damage to property.

Mister Armando Cortez =
Er, crazed motorist man.

What will his future hold?

Armando Cortez ~ to ram on, crazed?

Police believe North Seattle, Washington, man Louis G. Carnaghi was annoyed that his wife hadn't left his medicines in the pill box and that he had had to answer one too many early-morning telephone calls for her. The 87-year-old Carnaghi rolled his wheelchair behind his 86-year-old wife, Arline, and hit her repeatedly with a steel pipe. Prosecutors allege that he then bit chunks out of her arms as he fell from his chair. A neighbour rang 911 after finding the blood-covered couple on the floor.

Align chair near ~ Arline Carnaghi...

Hospital cleaner Sophie Matlala found it difficult to eat the goulash the canteen served for lunch one day in May 1999. South Africa's Pretoria High Court heard recently how, after she couldn't bite through the meat in the stew, her colleagues at Medforum Hospital inspected the offending morsel and concluded that it was a piece of cooked penis. After vomiting several times over the course of the afternoon, she became a vegetarian.

Hospital authorities confirmed the 60-year-old Matlala's suspicions about the meat, although it could not be established whether the penis had belonged to a human or an animal. Judge Phineas Mojapelo rejected Matlala's R2.7m lawsuit due to a three-year statute of limitations, but he added that he hoped her legal advisors would advise her to sue them. The summons had been issued on the last day of the three years but not served until three days later.

Sophie Matlala =
A hospital meal.

Does anyone from South Africa want to give the judge a call and find out if this is the claimant's real name or if some journalist was just having a bit of fun? There is a fair bit of information on the case available online.

Peter Hallinean of Rochester, New York, was arrested for supplying heroin to his wife at her workplace, the school where she taught. Principal Timothy Cliby said that assistant principal Kathleen Wiecorek called his attention to a suspicious foil-wrapped package inside a Happy Meal that Hallinean, 31, had apparently dropped off at the school office for his wife, Correy. Cliby said he found alcohol swabs, a syringe partially filled with a brown fluid, and a well-used oversized rubber band inside. Cliby, who said he had already suspected Correy of drug use, called the police. Peter said his wife has been suspended from her teaching duties.

The cops can question her in anagrams:

Correy Hallinean = "Recall any heroin?"

Andrew J. Castor, 14, allegedly fed a neighbour's cat to an alligator. According to Cape Coral, Florida, police, Castor stole the cat from a chair in the neighbours' yard, put it in his book bag, and took it to a canal, where he kicked the animal and threw it into the water. The cat's owners said Castor took them to see the cat while it was still in the alligator's mouth. "It had him by the tail. I started crying. I couldn't breathe," said Cari Taich, 16, who got the cat, Homeboy, when she was five years old.

The police said Castor had just wanted to see what the alligator would do. It is unclear whether he will be tried as an adult.

Andrew Castor = A cat's drowner. [well, nearly]

Trenton Michael Veches, 32, was found guilty of lewd conduct, mostly on account of sucking the toes of over a dozen young boys he supervised at a youth recreation centre where he worked. He admitted to having such encounters with 20 children (19 toe-suckings and three buttock-touchings) but will appeal the verdict, which could carry a sentence of over 300 years in prison. Veches maintains that his behaviour was not sexual, and his lawyer said the child pornography found on the accused's computer prejudiced the jury.

Trenton Michael Veches = Toes enchant him. Clever.

Suffolk County, New York, officers report that Troy C. Stephani, 32, refused to pull over for police, leading them on a ten-minute chase through red lights. Stephani, after turning a corner, quickly realised that it led to the parking lot of police headquarters.

(They train cops.)

He explained to the arresting officers that he hadn't wanted to stop until he'd finished smoking the crack cocaine that he had in his pickup truck. This admission makes him rather


as he'll probably be spending some time in jail on what he might call

"One shitty rap!"

...unless he's ordered into rehab instead, where he would receive

therapy's tonic.

Maybe he was so brazen about his offences because he figured he could escape any charges through the power of his

hypnotic stare.

And then there's "Victor's Little Secret", the Kentucky porn shop that changed its name from "Victor's Secret" in an unsuccessful attempt to avoid being sued by Victoria's Secret. The Supreme Court found no evidence that the lingerie company's trademark had been hurt. The owner of the family-run shop is Victor Moseley.

Victor Moseley = Very cool items!

The Detroit Free Press reports on Officer Anthony Johnson, who claims that Joni Gullas, who smelled of alcohol, refused to produce ID and resisted arrest, starting to back her car up. Gullas claimed that she thought Johnson, in street clothes, had been trying to carjack her. Police reports indicate that Johnson handcuffed her right hand but she withdrew her left. Johnson used a knife to cut off the left sleeve of her large coat in order to handcuff her. He ended up cutting off her left ring finger, which could not be re-attached, and cutting her middle finger.

Joni Gullas = Jail us long!

New Jersey's Michael Thiel had just finished his first year as a Drug Abuse Resistance Education officer, teaching approximately 70 students. After his fellow officer Amalio S. Gorcsik was arrested for allegedly trying to buy cocaine from an undercover officer while in a patrol car, the investigation widened. Thiel and a third officer were also arrested. While head D.A.R.E. officer Sgt. Edward Selb said Thiel would be decertified for possessing and using drugs, Harrison Township School Superintendent Dr. Patricia Hoey said no special statement has been prepared to help students deal with the issue of their D.A.R.E. officer being arrested on drug charges.

In the ensuing investigation, will we encounter a

Lie from "ethical" chief ~ Officer Michael Thiel?

As to what made him continue in a life of crime, we can only guess:

Relief of chemical hit.

Yugoslav Army paratrooper Dragan Curcic survived a 1000-metre fall after his main and spare parachute malfunctioned. Initially failing to open, they became tangled in each other, opening simultaneously. The 40-year-old Curcic came to a rest after falling through the roof of an army building. He performed another parachute drop two days later.

Paratrooper Dragan Curcic = Crap occurring at drop area.

Chattanooga, Tennessee, police reports indicate that Rudy Raines and William King stopped at the Fast Food and Fuel convenience store to dry out two sackfuls of marijuana in the microwave oven there. Although a patrol car was parked outside, Raines went inside and began to dry out the pot, whose smell soon filled the store. Officer Tetzel Tillery said that, when Raines removed the sack and "Officer Ashley went up to him and asked what he was doing ... he admitted that he was trying to dry out the marijuana". Ashley saw more marijuana in the car (for about a pound in total); King, on being awakened, said he didn't know anything about it. Raines told Ashley he and King had been headed to a drug rehab clinic.

Rudy Raines = Ruin's ready!

A Port Huron, Michigan, woman faces charges of throwing her seven-month-old baby out a window. LaFayre Marie Banks is accused of throwing the child from a bathroom window in her second-floor apartment, causing the infant severe internal and head injuries. The 32-year-old Banks denied the allegations, explaining that she was bathing the child when it reared up and went through the window. The child has been placed with a foster family.

A family breaks near ~ LaFayre Marie Banks.
and the rather more silly
LaFayre Banks = NAMBLA's freaky!

Reuters reports on Emma Dunn and Raoul Sebastian, both 19, a British couple whose dream trip to Sydney wasn't quite what they were expecting. They booked their air tickets on the Internet, boarded the plane with no problems, and started to suspect that something was wrong only when they were asked to transfer to a small plane in Halifax, Nova Scotia. Once they landed in Sydney, Nova Scotia, Air Canada employee Andrea Batten was given the task of helping the couple, who she said were "obviously very surprised" to learn that they were not in Sydney, Australia.

Dunn probably blames the Web site for making it unclear where they would go:

Emma Dunn = "Dumb menu!"

In denial, Raoul Sebastian might have told the Air Canada employees

"So, be Australian!"

Mississauga, Ontario, soccer coach Frank Pesce, 39, rushed onto the field during a break in a pre-teens' soccer game and attacked a 12-year-old girl who had been playing well for the opposing team. Under Ontario Soccer Association rules, a coach is immediately suspended from all soccer-related activity if he assaults an official. But association executive director Brian Avey said there is nothing in the policy about coaches who attack players. Pending further action, Pesce is still coaching.

I don't know what kind of venue the games are held in, but it is because of people like Frank Pesce that

park fences

were created.

A 70-year-old man's car was stolen in Camden, New Jersey, and recovered by police the same day. That didn't help its owner. Mayor Gwendolyn Faisan began using the car as her official vehicle. In the wake of bad publicity surrounding her refusal to return the car to its rightful owner, Faisan returned the Lincoln Town Car after a few weeks. In a subsequent audit ordered by County Prosecutor Vincent P. Sarubbi, it was revealed that the police department was using two other stolen cars. Sarubbi has cleared the mayor of any wrongdoing.

Gwendolyn Faisan~'s defying a law, non?

Amanda Monti, a 24-year-old woman from Birkenhead, Merseyside, had apparently remained on good terms with Geoffrey Jones, 37, after he broke off their relationship. Liverpool crown court heard recently that after Monti drove Jones home from a party, she offered him sex and said she wished to discuss the relationship. He refused and, in the struggle that followed, threw her out of the house. After she smashed a window, there was another fight, in which Monti ripped off one of her ex-boyfriend's testicles. She initially tried to hide it in her mouth, but it was recovered. However, it could not be re-attached.

Amanda Monti = Anti-nad ammo!

Rescue teams found Richard Kral drunkenly staggering along a path in the Slovakian Tatra mountains, minus his car. He explained that an avalanche had buried his car in snow and that he had to dig his way out through the window. Realising that the snow would fill the vehicle before he could free himself, he decided to drink one of the 60 half-litre bottles of beer he had with him. Then he hit on the idea of urinating on the snow to melt it after he had scooped it down from above the vehicle. He said: "It was hard and now my kidneys and liver hurt, but I'm glad the beer I took on holiday turned out to be useful and I managed to get out of there."

Note: male piss flow ~ melts a pile of snow.

Germaine M. Taylor of Racine, Wisconsin, was put on probation after he got Kristina pregnant when she was 14 years old. He then got Beckie Knecht pregnant when she was 17. After he was given another chance, he had his third child, by a 15-year-old. The unemployed Taylor, 20, has now been sentenced to 17 years in prison by Judge Allan Torhorst, who told him "I want you out of this community".

Germaine Taylor =
Normality. Agree?
= Enrage morality.
= Ration meagerly. [If he'd been paying child support]
= Ram eagerly into...
= Goal: I marry teen. [An antigram, I believe]

Germaine M. Taylor
= Memory: a neat girl.
= Mere girl anatomy.
= Immoral entry age.
= "My organ + Mere tail."
= Migratory man-eel.

Wichita Falls, Texas, native Lee Wayne Lawrence was afraid that his daughter had a job as a stripper at Maximus Gentleman's Club. Police say Lawrence, 41, entered the club in camouflage fatigues, started slashing furniture with an eight-inch hunting knife, and asked for a drink. Serving him, manager Vic Robinson saw a homemade bomb around Lawrence's neck. Seconds later, police entered. A few days later, after security camera footage was reviewed, Lawrence said "I would do that for my daughter if I could get her out of there".

While his daughter, Kera, had applied and auditioned for a job at the club, Robinson said he had turned her down because her identification looked fake. Lawrence, who'd been released from prison in February after serving time for assaulting a police officer, has returned to jail.

Maximus Gentleman's Club = Ban male lust, sex, & cumming!

TheOttawa Citizen reports on convicted paedophile Ian Cheeseman. At his dangerous offender hearing, Assistant Crown attorney Robert Peltier reported that Newfoundland police had received roughly 20 complaints about several collect telephone calls made by Cheeseman from jail. It is alleged that Cheeseman, 34, posed as a disc jockey, got young girls on the phone, and told them they would win Backstreet Boys tickets if they simply urinated in a cup near the telephone. Cheeseman had pleaded guilty last fall to committing 16 sex crimes, mostly against pre-teen girls, over a 13-year period.

Ian Cheeseman ~ has nice enema!

Male and female prisoners have managed to have sexual encounters and conduct strip shows at North Carolina's Person County jail from 6 to 10 September. Sheriff Dennis Oakley said "It's ... because of a staffing shortage" - his requests for more staff members haven't been met - and "Things happen".

Charges have been brought against 12 inmates for offences such as prostitution and breaking and entering. A.K. Pruitt, the jail's administrator, said an investigation revealed that prisoners had removed the screws that held a Plexiglass barrier in place, allowing them access to the canteen area and, from there, the females' area. Lookouts were used to spot guards arriving for random checks. The encounters became public when two women became upset that the men didn't provide the marijuana that the men promised them.

Person County Jail != Platonic journeys. [an antigram, it seems]
= Joy/coitus planner.
= Panty lice sojourn?

Police in Kenya report that Alfonse Mumbo accused his wife, Penina, of having an extramarital affair. Officers said that, deciding to teach her a lesson while she was out and wanting "to give her a free hand to go after other men", he used a kitchen knife to remove his penis and testicles. Penina, who insists that she was not having an affair, came home a few minutes later and found the 38-year-old former barber unconscious in a pool of blood.

The Kajulu Wath Orego man later told the East African Standard that "I found myself disgusted with the penis and decided to cut it off. ... The knife was too sharp and before I realised what I had done, it was too late."

Umm, for male nobs, ~ Mr. Alfonse Mumbo!

The Arizona Republic tells of Delano Yanes, who was the subject of reports to the police and Child Protective Services in April 2003. An investigation showed that his five-month-old child, Elijah Alexander, had a broken arm, which the family blamed on the boy's four-year-old sister. Six months later, Delano called paramedics to report that he'd found his son in his playpen not breathing and had tried to perform CPR. An autopsy revealed that the child's heart had ruptured when he was sodomised. The 25-year-old Delano was taken into custody.

Delano Yanes = Yes, anal done.
Delano Yanes ~ eyed son. "Anal?..."

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