Weirdplay — bizarre news from an anagram angle

These are anagrams of names of people, organisations, etc. found in weird news stories that have graced the pages of Anna's News Clippings.

The most recent news items are at the top.

But first, a general summary of many of the items:

A stupid criminal = ID a split cranium.

From 2025

The Lufkin, Texas, police department spread the news about an Easter Egg hunt advertised on Facebook. The twist is that the cops were hunting for the man behind the hunt, who had posted clues for folks eager to scour the city's parks for plastic eggs containing marijuana. Officers' scavenger hunt did not lead them to the culprit ‐ identified on the basis of Facebook posts as Avante Nicholson ‐ but the clues did lead them to four of the eggs. Concluding that Nicholson had not placed the final one, they called off the latter search. The next day, a park-goer and his grand-daughter carried the fifth egg into department headquarters.

Avante Nicholson = Innocent lad's ova
But if we don't consider him innocent, there's always just
Avante Nicholson = Into ova channels
 

Thanks to a headline-filling trial, the public know that Australis's Erin Patterson can boast an impressive dead-in-law tally. Though her estranged husband did not accept the invitation for a home-cooked meal cum discussion of her medical issues, his parents, aunt, and uncle did. Having enjoyed a beef Wellington preparation inspired in part by a notice from the Victoria Department of Health, all four were hospitalised the next day with medical issues of their own. In the absence of evidence that they'd consumed the locally growing death-cap mushrooms mentioned in state-wide health advisories, three of the four ultimately succumbed to Amanita mushroom toxins in the following week.

    While Patterson's claimed cancer diagnosis had given her a cover story for eschewing the beef dish, it soon became apparent that she was cancer-free and had lied about having suffered symptoms similar to her guests' and about having foraged for mushrooms. Patterson maintains that she is innocent of anything murder-related.

She seemed very interested in cooking something up:
Erin Patterson = Apron interest
But there's plenty more:
Erin Patterson
= No inert repast!
= Rare, potent sin
= Treat in person
= No partner ties!
= Arrest, into pen...
 

Humouring one of her charges, who couldn't sleep, a child-minder in Barton County, Kansas, checked for the under-bed monster that had been preoccupying him. She revised her assumptions when coming face to face with the monster, former resident Martin Villalobos, Jr. He leapt out from beneath the young boy's bed, whereupon he resisted the babysitter's efforts to restrain him and bowled over a child. Villalobos, 27, was jailed on the following day. Since he'd been under judge's orders to stay off the premises after having breached a previous protection-from-abuse order, no bail was granted this time.

Martin Villalobos = mortal villain, SOB
 

Annamae Cabalsa Martinez, 45, suffered a flat tyre while driving along an interstate highway in Utah at nearly 200 km/hour. Therefore, she rang roadside recovery services to request help in patching the puncture, which had been inflicted by police road spikes. The sound of amplified commands for Martinez to exit the vehicle prompted dispatchers to forward the call to the cops, who put one of the troopers at the scene on the line. At that point, she surrendered.

Annamae Cabalsa Martinez = AAA laments brazen maniac
Also,
Annamae C. Martinez = An in-car amazement
 

When California's Jamison Webster failed to return home after visiting son Richard Leyva at a Motel 6 in El Cajon, California, her other son visited the motel and promptly rang the police to report that only her Hyundai Sonata was there ‐ with her corpse in the boot. Before officers arrived, "Leyva got into the Hyundai and drove off, striking his brother in the process", prompting an attempted traffic stop, then a pursuit that ended with a crash into two other vehicles and a stun-gun deployment. Both Leyva, 24, and Webster, 51, were removed from the scene for further investigation.

Richard Leyva ~ had car, verily
Or
I hardly crave ~ Richard Leyva.
Richard Leyva = Ah, car devilry!
Richard Leyva = A very rich lad?
 

Michigan veterinarian Amanda Hergenreder spotted an ailing pitbullish mutt tied to a pickup truck beside a coffee shop. After speaking with coffee-shop staff, the local animal shelter, and the cops, she untied the canine and carried him to her vehicle for a two-hour drive to her clinic. She reports that the 16-year-old dog, which she named Biggby, is now doing well, four months after receiving $3,000 of care for a severe urinary-tract infection, a rotten tooth, etc. However, Kent County prosecutor Chris Becker reports that homeless man Chris Hamilton, 57, wants his beloved Vinny back.

    Hamilton explained: "Never neglected him." Becker, who is charging Hergenreder with larceny, said there is no "right to just take something because you feel something's wrong".

Amanda Hergenreder ~ garnered a remand, eh?
Amanda Hergenreder = Hang a redeemer? Darn.
Amanda Hergenreder = A harm-ender enraged.
 

United Nations judge Lydia Mugambe, a 49-year-old Ugandan woman who lives in the UK, is a High Court judge in Uganda. And even has diplomatic immunity. Those are the first things she told the police officer who arrived at her home to arrest her under the Modern Slavery Act for forcing another woman to provide her with free child-care and maid's services rather than seek steady employment. Her next words were "I am not a criminal". Oxford Crown Court has disagreed, convicting her of such crimes as facilitating travel with a view to exploitation and conspiracy to intimidate a witness. And the UN have stated that any diplomatic status she may have enjoyed is void.

    While it might be true that "I came here as a student [for an Oxford law DPhil and] don't need anyone to work for me", prosecutors contented that she clearly was not averse to "obtaining someone to make her life easier and at the least possible cost to herself", at the cost of the victim reporting that she was "lonely" and "stuck".

Lydia Mugambe = A glum maid? Bye!
 

Getting a jump on the US "DOGE", eastern China's Shuntian Chemical Group mass-mailed its 1,200 employees to announce a sweeping new policy. The mail stated that all workers aged 28–58 who are not married by the end of March must "write a self-reflection", with those who remain single (or divorced without remarrying) past 30 June facing compulsory evaluation. Any failing to "solve your personal marriage issues" by the third quarter were promised termination of employment.

    Though this edict against "disloyal and disobedient" lifestyles meshes with government foci, social-security bureau officials warned that it contravenes Chinese labour laws. Bosses withdrew it by mass mail the next day "because some of the words used were inappropriate".

Shuntian Chemical Group
= In a couple/matching rush
= agile.human-courtship.cn

A few might still believe this:
"Hitch up!" mail's gonna cure ~ Shuntian Chemical Group
But the letters tell a different story:
Shuntian Chemical Group
= Cite inhuman ghouls' crap
= Ouch. Peculiar things, man!
= Huge anachronistic lump
= Marching couples in. Utah?
 

When Michigan's Harrison Jones uncovered his ex-girlfriend's plans to travel to Bensalem, Pennsylvania, for purposes of finally seeing a male online acquaintance in person, he undertook the same 1,130 km pilgrimage. Number-plate cameras linked the ensuing "intentionally set and incendiary" fire at her 21-year-old suitor's home to the black sedan driven by Jones. All six residents escaped the blaze, some by jumping from upstairs windows, but two dogs perished and the home was a write-off.

    Jones, 21, whom authorities found back in Michigan with lock picks and arm burns, has been charged with risking catastrophe, six counts of attempted criminal homicide, and arson.

Harrison Jones ~ joins her. Arson!
 

The Florida Highway Patrol's midnight pursuit of a reckless motorist in Pasco County didn't end when the driver erratically dropped off a passenger. Neither did it stop when a tree eventually brought the pickup to a halt: Dalmatian-onesie-clad Dylan Keith Devereaux sprinted from it. Though promptly tased to the ground, he wrestled with troopers, who managed to attach only a single handcuff before a second dash for freedom. He lost his flip-flops, and officers lost him in the trees.

    They knew where to look, though – his girlfriend's home beside the forest. There, she refused to let them in, citing drugs on the premises and a fear of jail. She stated that the same fear would keep her from admitting Devereaux, 36; however, he was there and ripe for arrest when cops arrived with a search warrant the next day.

Dylan Devereaux = Unreal day, vexed
Dylan Keith Devereaux = heartily exuded “knave”

 

From 2024

A motorist in Stalowa Wola, Poland, became slightly worried when a sheet blew onto his car window, obscuring his vision. His concerns multiplied once the sheet fell: it appeared that he'd run someone over at a pedestrian crossing, fatally. Both the sheet and the body, however, had escaped from the back of a Hades Funeral Services transport vehicle at a pedestrian crossing. Blaming “an unexpected technical failure of the electric tailgate lock in the hearse”, the company apologised to the deceased person's family and to everyone else who was left upset or disappointed by the incident.

Hades Funeral Services = Hearse can deliver fuss
Hades Funeral Services = Vehicle sends a user far
 

Thanks to 12 hours of narcotics training, Los Angeles SWAT-team leader Kenneth Franco knew that drawing far more electricity than surrounding shops points to a cannabis “grow op”. So he obtained a warrant to storm Noho Diagnostic Center, whose MRI field snagged a signage-immune cop's dangling rifle. The ensuing unilateral choice to press the big red button initiated a rapid superconductivity loss that freed the LAPD service weapon but also 2,000 L of helium gas. This lawsuit-sparking incident left the MRI office with a magazine full of cartridges on the floor and an extensively damaged imaging machine.

Noho Diagnostic Center = Sore technician: “Don't go– !*@#!”
Noho Diagnostic Center = “Disconnection? Oh, great.”
I got no resonance. Ditch ~  Noho Diagnostic Center!
Noho Diagnostic Center = A Seething Doctor Inc., no?
Noho Diagnostic Center ~  do no resonating. Hectic...
 

With much fanfare, retired Anglican priest Andrew Wagstaff, 69, returned to Antwerp for the papal visit in October. These celebrations were cut short, however, by his celebrations at an area rectory, in Kalmthout: he collapsed after drug-enhanced sex with another sixty-something priest. After summoning the emergency services, the latter pastor was arrested on charges of drugs trafficking that ultimately resulted in death. Autopsy results remain pending.

Rev. Andrew Wagstaff = Daft Fr. waves wanger
Fag saw & wanted Fr. ~ Andrew Wagstaff.
Rev. Andrew Wagstaff = Daft. Wanger vs. wafer...
 

A Düsseldorf-region man's encounter with a school building's cactus plant served as a wake-up call for the mayor of Plettenberg. While the city council stated that privacy concerns preclude revealing the nature of the man's injury, which required medical attention, they also stated that “what was an injury to the adult man's arm could easily have been a serious injury to the face for a small child in the same place”. Mayor Ulrich Schulte has declared that “official and private cacti (Cactaceae) alike must be removed from all municipal buildings immediately”, from schools to council desks.

Mayor Ulrich Schulte = I'm holy cactus-hurler
 

A Lebanon, Missouri, man noticed that his Mountain Dew tasted odd, but he drank the entire two litres anyway and shrugged off the illness that followed. A few weeks later, he was able to correlate the odd taste, diarrhoea, and vomiting with the Mountain Dew in his garage, so he trained a video camera on the fridge there. His wife, Michelle Y. Peters, found herself facing charges of first-degree domestic assault and armed criminal action for repeatedly augmenting his soda with insecticide and “a chemical in the basement”, Roundup weed-killer.

    Peters told the authorities that she had grown upset because she'd “thrown him a 50th birthday party and he was not appreciative”, adding that she “should have just divorced” the selfish man.

Michelle Y. Peters = The smelly recipe...
 

Try out, e.g., peril, scars, & tears  ~  at Restore Plastic Surgery

Hllary Brown enjoyed helping husband Ben by practising medicine without a licence at his facility in Gulf Breeze, Florida. She also enjoyed his attention on the operating table there – until she didn't. The IV bags she'd prepared for herself ran dry while she was receiving liposuction, lip injections, ear adjustments, and other tweaks, so Ben began injecting undiluted lidocaine. Then Hillary reported “seeing orange”, so he opted to focus on the area around the other eye instead. She then stated that she might be experiencing an overdose, suffered a seizure, and died.

    Ben, 41, is charged with manslaughter by culpable negligence, and a parallel state investigation has uncovered such issues as him providing “unwanted Brazilian butt lifts” in conjunction with scheduled procedures. Restore Plastic Surgery has closed its doors.
 

A woman arrested outside a San Diego convenience store for stealing asked arresting officer Anthony Hair whether he is single, then offered sexual activity in exchange for not being brought in for questioning. Hair bundled her into the back of his cruiser anyway. Twenty minutes later, he placed a panic-laced radio call to another officer, explaining that he'd locked himself in the police car while checking on the suspect, who had passed out.

    Bodycam footage didn't show her collapse, since Hair had turned off his bodycam. Other evidence was available, however – such as semen on Hair's belt. He has resigned from the force.

Anthony Hair ~ ain't horny? Ha!
 

Before leaving for a holiday on Puerto Rico's beaches, Ohio's Kristel Candelario told her former partner that her mother would be caring for their daughter Jailyn at home. Upon returning and finding the girl dead in her cot, she told the emergency services a different story: 16-month-old Jailyn had been refusing to eat for the last 10 days.

    Despite Candelario's explanation that she'd left the girl unattended on account of “emotional stress”, she was sentenced to life in prison. Candelario, 32, mused that the situation is a bit hard to understand “in particular for the people who question and point out that I have committed a diabolical act, as was mentioned in court”.

Kristel Candelario = Article on kid's real?!
(“article on dark lies”)
 

The parents of a Wisconsin boy were displeased with the attention he'd received from his teacher, who had given him a Glock for his 13th birthday. Sifting through his mobile phone's message history while he was asleep, they discovered that the teacher, 35-year-old Tyesha Bolden, had also sent him a picture of her bare chest and professions of unconditional love. Once detectives entered the picture, Bolden told school supervisors that she'd let the boy stay at her home, later admitting that sex was included.

    She stated also that she had called an end to the illicit relations by refusing to supply a second handgun alongside the cash the boy had requested. She nonetheless faces the prospect of 40+ years in prison.

Tyesha Bolden
~ leads boy, then...
~ A bed? Honestly?
~ “Yeah, let's bond!”
~ Nest held a boy.
~ Teen + lady = bosh!
~ Hone bad style
~ loads, then “Bye!”
~ Ban! (Yes, he told
~ also, by the end).
~ Last bed, honey!
~ Or   Halts – done, bye!
 

Florida anger-management counsellor Travis McBride's search for local homeless man Clinton Dorsey led him to a Deland woman's home, where, livid, he claimed that Dorsey had set out a jarful of glass to harm nearby dogs. A few hours later, the woman reported having witnessed McBride find his quarry – and shoot him. Authorities recovered the corpse held in the boot of the 46-year-old therapist's hatchback, and his employees at Starting Point Mental Health will cover his duties while he is being held in jail.

Travis Michael McBride = Mild, I bitch & rave & scream
Travis Michael McBride ~ raved “Blame him, critics!”

Travis Michael McBride = Imbecilic vs. rather mad
Or   Verbal criticism: “Mad, eh?”
 

A Florida family suspected foul play when their cat died. Among their reasons were a neighbour's threats earlier in the day to use poison for keeping their pets out of her yard and the fact that their other cat and their pregnant Chihuahua died a few hours later.

    Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd reported that the neighbour in question, Tamesha Knighten, denied the killings with claims that “she's a nurse and had too much to lose”. She also denied owning a foam bowl found nearby with a “meaty substance” plus pesticide; however, security cameras had captured a gloved Knighten handling it. The 51-year-old woman then stated that she leaves out chicken with “special seasoning” for neighbourhood critters.

    Knighten faces three counts of felonious cruelty to animals.

Tamesha Townes Knighten = News magnet? Ah, then it's OK.
 

The manager-in-training at the High Point, North Carolina, McDonald's rang her husband, 57-year-old Dwayne Waden, to share her frustrations about “disrespectful” co-workers and request his “assistance”. Waden, a pastor and part-time lorry-driver, responded with deeds, not words: he hastened to her workplace, where he proceeded to punch cook Theodore Garlington several times in the face. According to an incident report, he then placed his hands around Garlington's neck – expressing the Elevated Life International Ministries philosophy of “embracing the newness of life that's in front of you”? – and pushed his head toward the deep fryer.

    The attempted baptism in oil earned Waden an arrest for assault and battery, and his wife no longer has to worry about working at this location.

Latoya Gladney = Agony-tale lady
Latoya Gladney = Loyalty agenda
 

From 2023

Alaska Airlines pilot Joseph D. Emerson told aviation authorities that he had been introduced to “magic mushrooms” about two days before boarding a domestic flight as an off-duty cockpit occupant. This, he explained, is why he earnestly believed that pulling the levers to an engine-fire-extinguishing system would wake him from a dream. What it did do was cut off the fuel supply. After the flight crew reversed his actions, the 44-year-old Emerson explained that he was amid a depression-induced nervous breakdown and told them to “cuff me right now or it's going to be bad”.

    Though they obliged, he still nearly activated an emergency exit during descent, adding to the list of his crimes. While Emerson told authorities “I'm not fighting any charges you want to bring against me, guys”, he has declared himself innocent on all counts.

Pilot Joseph Emerson = Shrooms in jet, people!
 

Payton Shires was a newly minted social worker who decided to go above and beyond the call of duty when counselling a 13-year-old Ohio boy as part of the foster-care system. Shires, 24, allegedly had sex at least twice with the boy, whose mother subsequently discovered associated inappropriate text messages on his mobile phone. With Columbus Police detectives listening in, the mother rang Shires and obtained a confession, according to local media. Shires no longer is part of the National Youth Advocate Program.

Payton Shires ~ spins a theory...
     What was that theory exactly?
Payton Shires = OSHA: “Try penis”

We might even be able to tell the whole story, far into the future, via anagrams:
Payton Shires
Ah, penis story...
A pest is horny
“Son, therapy is...”
A python rises
Prison stay, eh?
Spinster ahoy!
 

Few good deeds go unpunished, or at least that might be what Oklahoma's Desiree Castaneda thinks, now that the baby shower she threw for her daughter and 24-year-old Juan Miranda-Jara has landed her 15 years in prison. The main issue is that the daughter was 12 years old when impregnated. While Castaneda, 33, does time for child neglect and enabling child sexual abuse, Miranda-Jara is serving a 20-year jail term. Meanwhile, the pre-teen girl's father is supporting the pattern with a 12-year sentence for first-degree rape in an apparently unrelated case.

Desiree Castaneda = Case: arse detained

Alternatively, we could chain things together for a three-parter:
See “Arse!” candidate ~ Desiree Castaneda ~ earn a “Diseased!” etc.
 

Alford Lewis is a 19-year-old Texan who wanted to boost his TikTok and YouTube viewer numbers. His numbers grew also on a neighbourhood-watch platform where visitors to a Houston park were trying to identify the culprit behind arbitrary punches in the face. Confronted outside his home by Harris County sheriff's officers, Lewis explained: “You know, I just made a mistake, and everybody makes mistakes.” He also claimed that after the “bad part” of one of the sucker-punch incidents, “I shook his hand after and gave the man a hug”.

    Still, he offered this cogent advice for others: “Before you go out and do anything you feel is bad, or that could look bad, make sure, like, people know. Or just don't do it at all.”

Alford Lewis = So feral & wild!
Ref, disallow ~ Alford Lewis!
Alford Lewis = Weirdo falls
 

Upon the dissolution of her seven-year relationship with Toronto police officer Robert Konashewych, Candice Dixon discovered that he'd reaped more than $800,000 as the sole heir of elderly recluse Heinz Summerfeld, whom he'd never mentioned before. At the same time, she learned of his long-time affair with Adellene Balgobin, a worker at an Ontario agency for people who lack the competence to manage their own financial affairs.

    The police investigation requested by Dixon revealed Balgobin's report of a “Bob Kay” (Konashewych) producing Summerfeld's will a week after the elderly man's death in care. It also uncovered Konashewych's seemingly truth-incompatible claim of having searched police databases for the will's two witnesses.

    Prosecuting Balgobin and Konashewych (who was placed on paid suspension) for fraud over $5,000, Crown attorney Peter Scrutton described them as “concocting a fake will, purportedly witnessed by fake people”.

Robert Paul Konashewych~'s a low-key bent cop – hurrah!
 

North Carolina's Robert Louis Singletary yelled at the children who retrieved their wayward basketball from his garden. Concerned about this angry reaction, one of the parents visited Singletary's home. This precipitated another angry reaction: Singletary, 24, opened fire on neighbours who happened to be preparing food outdoors at the time. Six-year-old Kinsley White later said: “I couldn't get inside in time, so he shot my daddy in the back.” Kinsley's mother too was injured. The girl, who needed stitches to her cheek, stressed: “We don't even know the man.”

    Singletary turned himself in after a manhunt.

Robert Louis Singletary = So a bully ignites terror
Robert Singletary = Terror style in bag
 

Meanwhile, Missouri brings us Andrew Lester, 84, who opened fire – through his door – on a teenager who'd arrived to collect his younger brothers. For two doorbell presses at 115th Street instead of 115th Terrace at 10pm, 16-year-old Ralph Yarl took a bullet to the head and one to the arm, alongside a “don't come back around here”. The youth received medical care only after seeking help at three nearby homes.

    Though the police originally released Lester after questioning, they changed their minds in the wake of protests and a prosecutor's contention that the shooting had a “racial component”. The charges on the table are first-degree assault and armed criminal action.

Andrew Lester = News red alert!
 

When David Redfern returned to his home in Gwynedd, Wales, he found an elderly woman in his bed, drinking gin and tonic while her dentures sat on his bedside table. So he hauled her downstairs by the ankles, stamped on her, and threw her out the door with several broken ribs. As he mocked her, she complained about chest pains, then passed out, forever.

    It later emerged that the woman, Birmingham's Margaret Barnes, had mistaken the 46-year-old Redfern's home for the bed and breakfast she'd booked. A Caernarfon Crown Court jury, agreeing with his fiancee's CCTV-recorded statement that “you could have just escorted her out – it's an old lady”, has found Redfern guilty of murder.

David Redfern = Darned fervid!
 

When the Beech Grove, Indiana, police responded to reports of a young person roaming a block of flats with a handgun, one resident explained: “My son opened the door, and the little boy upstairs is standing there with a firearm.” Asked whether the gun may have had an orange tip, denoting a replica or toy, the neighbour expanded “no, no [...] looked like a large .45", adding “I sell guns”. The child's father, 45-year-old Shane E. Osborne, reassured them, however, that there were no weapons on the premises and that he'd been sleeping off a cold all day. Then, someone next door produced CCTV footage of the nappy-clad four-year-old waving a firearm around at a landing and even pulling its trigger, whereupon Osborne clarified that he didn't know the boy had left the flat and that the weapon must be his cousin's. Officers recovered the firearm, which was loaded but had an empty chamber, and Osborne is charged with neglect of a dependant.

An SOB? Here's one: Shane E. Osborne
Shane Osborne = Sheer BS, a no-no
And, in a more typically USian sense of the slang term,
Shane E. Osborne = Boner season, eh?
 

The food-service director of an Illinois school has been accused of continuing to order food while the pandemic precluded in-person learning. Over 19 months, 66-year-old Vera Liddell, an 11-year veteran with the school district, placed hundreds of unauthorised orders for food items, among them more than 11,000 cases of chicken wings, which she collected in one of the district's vans.

    Her actions came to light when a mid-year audit revealed the school to be more than $300,000 over its annual budget. Another discrepancy discovered is that the district does not serve chicken wings to its students, “as they contain bones”.

    Liddell faces charges of felonious continuing enterprise-level financial crimes and theft exceeding $1,000,000.

It might be safe to assume that Vera Liddell serves everything up with a
drivel ladle.
 

From 2022

At speeds of up to 160 km/hour, Arkansas's Christopher Gaylor flouted multiple stop lights and red lights on his motorbike, which had no obvious number plates. A police chase ensued, which did not end when the 38-year-old abandoned his bike and tried to flee on foot. It ended only when a state trooper fired a stun gun at the fleeing biker after warning him to stop and lie down. Gaylor was engulfed in a fireball, thanks to the four litres of petrol in his rucksack.

    He is due to face various (new and outstanding) charges when/if he recovers.

Christopher Gaylor = Ghastly epic horror!
Christopher Gaylor = Spoiler: cry “ARGH! Hot!”
Christopher Gaylor = Pyro-Clothiers?
Christopher Gaylor = Light-a-psycho error
 

Having decided to prevent a court-ordered eviction in Longmeadow, Massachusetts, Rorie Woods towed a trailer to the property while officers were waiting for its resident to return. She then started shaking the bee hives within, according to Sheriff Nick Cocchi. Her alleged actions escalated to donning a beekeeper's suit, then rolling a hive to the house's front door and opening it. Some officers taking shelter in the house were stung, as were anti-eviction protesters. A sheriff's report quotes Woods, 55, as saying “Oh, you're allergic? Good” to a deputy after her eventual arrest.

    She has pleaded not guilty to all eight “dangerous weapon” charges. Cocchi said that she is lucky they don't include manslaughter: the sheriff's-office photographer required hospitalisation but is recovering.

Rorie Woods   So, weirdo or...?
 

An argument about an order for chips led both Antoine Sims and the workers at a Kennesaw, Georgia, McDonald's to ring 911. Sims told responding officers that, since the French fries he'd ordered “are lukewarm but they're not hot”, he had requested a new set. The staff described his request as consisting of threatening and cursing, and they asked that Sims, 24, be banned from the premises and given a criminal-trespass warning. The requisite database search yielded an alert that Sims was wanted for murder. After the ensuing brief chase and stun-gun discharge, perhaps he regretted having asked the police to show up.

Antoine Sims = Noisiest man
(Maybe he should have kept his mouth shut)

Antoine Sims = Most asinine
Antoine Sims = Simian notes
 

Brazil's Genevieve Boghici, the 82-year-old widow of art collector Jean Boghici, was worried about her daughter's impending death, thanks to a supposed “psychic” approaching her with dire prophecies featuring specific personal information. That was in 2020. In the following months, the daughter, 48-year-old Sabine Coll Boghici, took her to visit several other psychics too, who needed money for spiritual treatment and who warned her that paintings in her home were “cursed with something negative, with negative energy that needed to be prayed over”, according to Gilberto Ribeiro of the Rio de Janeiro police.

    As Genevieve grew more sceptical than distraught, she was prevented from leaving her home, and she sought police help. That was after 16 paintings had been removed. The ill-gotten gains are valued at roughly 150 million euros. Sabine and four other people have been arrested. Two more remain at large, as do several paintings, though some works of art have been recovered from museums and from co-conspirators' under-bed stashes.

Sabine Coll Boghici = Choice: Bag billions!
 

A surveyor picking berries in DeLand, Florida, was accosted by machete-wielding local Brandon Wright, who demanded his money, mobile phone, and clothes. The last of these demands made perfect sense, since Wright was naked. While the victim was complying, however, the 34-year-old Wright elected to walk away empty-handed: he hurled the machete, handle-first, and a handful of palmetto berries at the surveyor before driving off. Next, he visited a nearby petrol station, where he yelled at people, left, and then returned to the shop entrance. According to the Volusia, Florida, sheriff's office, he was doing press-ups there before being arrested without incident.

Brandon Wright = Darn bright now!
 

A Texas police squad intervened in a Ranger College cheerleading squad dispute during which several girls fled to a locked room while agitated fellow cheerleader Averie Chanel Medlock choked another member of the team. Later explaining on Facebook that the chokee had called Medlock “a MAN with a PENIS and and [said that] that guy shouldn't be on the team”, Medlock characterised the victim as “scared because I took [sic] up for myself”.

    Characterising the late-night physical confrontation as a joke has not prevented Medlock from being expelled from cheerleading camp or receiving a criminal-law citation for assault.

Averie C. Medlock = Remove lace... dick!
Also, there's the simpler   Averie C. Medlock = Come, reveal dick.

Averie Chanel Medlock
= Menace. Dick. Overall, “he”.
= A chameleon. Clever kid.
= Cheer-lead & invoke calm!  (An anti-gram, it seems)
 

James Howells binned a hard drive. Roughly a decade hence, he has assembled a team to comb a landfill in Newport, Wales, for the disk, from the early years of Bitcoin's development. The 37-year-old IT engineer has assembled a team to comb thousands of tons of compacted rubbish to find his roughly 8,000 wayward Bitcoins. As the city council remains worried about ecological and logistics issues, Howells has offered to put some of the proceeds from recovering the discarded $235 million in cryptocurrency toward “a power-generation facility, maybe a couple of wind turbines [for] a community-owned mining facility”.

Newport's James Howells ~ wept. Major Welsh lesson.
James Howells of Newport = Fellow's major hopes went.
 

The band KISS recently performed in Vienna. Their KISS LOVES YOU VIENNA graphics near the end of the concert might have been better received if the image displayed weren't of the national flag with its stars and Union Jack motif – i.e., had it been the Austrian flag rather than the Australian. Predictably enough, fans responded online with greetings such as “G'day from Austria”.

KISS LOVES YOU VIENNA = “Involve no Aussie sky!”
 

Responding to reports of an unsupervised two-year-old boy wandering around near the Children's Museum of Northern Nevada, Carson City sheriff's officers determined that his parents were the facility's caretaker and its manager. When they interviewed his elder sister and asked for her home address, she cited the museum. Sure enough, a search of its non-public areas revealed sleeping bags, food, etc. – and a storage room containing an AK-47, some handguns and a pistol, knives, a bong, a stun gun, and ammunition. The 41-year-old caretaker, Wilbert Calhoun, has been arrested. While it is unclear whether his wife will face any charges, the museum is closed while its board have found a new manager. Also unclear is whether the couple's five children will be taken into care.

Wilbert Calhoun
= A court bill when...
= Low-calibre hunt
 

Jeremiah James Taylor is yet another of those people who impersonate cops. He took an atypical approach, though: this 31-year-old Colorado man broke into a sheriff's office and stole a patrol car. If one wants to be taken seriously when responding to a “domestic violence in progress” call, one has to look the part, after all. It is unclear what Taylor actually did on the scene, but the next officers to show up there, from Teller County, had been informed that “a Park County sheriff” was there and appeared intoxicated.

    Taylor fled the scene, and a later high-speed car chase culminated in a crash and a taser-terminated sprint toward nearby woods.

Jeremiah James Taylor = Year's major theme: jail!
Jeremiah Taylor ~ may rot here (jail)
 

Jason Morales received his food order in a Burger King drive-through lane before the woman in front of him, who had pulled forward to wait for her own food, and he began impatiently yelling at her. The 70-year-old woman's response that she'd left enough room prompted Morales to exit his car and reach through her window to try dragging her through it by the hair. After leaving her with what a police report describes as “a very large area of hair missing from the back of her head”, he found sufficient space to drive off.

    Morales, 45, was on probation for stabbing a man at the same St. Paul, Minnesota, Burger King three years earlier.

Jason Morales = Major lane SOS
 

Kelli Anderson is a 55-year-old Indiana woman who ignored physicians' orders not to drive. In May, that decision led to the death of an emergency-room doctor who was going for a walk. In June, with the frequency of her seizures increasing further, that decision created an eight-vehicle crash and another death. Investigations after the latter incident revealed that Anderson has been at fault in at least five other car crashes in the preceding three years, from flipping her car in a ditch to sending another motorist to hospital after running a stop sign.

    While she'd cited epileptic seizures to explain the first accident, the ditch excursion, she also told the police that, for example, she can black out because of allergies and is allowed to drive since “nothing is wrong with my brain”.

Kelli Anderson = Send a killer on!
Kelli Anderson = killer + sedan, no?
 

A Nevada woman rang the emergency services in the wee hours to report that violent ex-boyfriend Cameron Evan Pinson was trying to break into her home. While she was expressing fears for her safety and that of her current boyfriend and three children, dispatchers heard glass breaking and Pinson entering. The caller produced her handgun and told him to leave. He complied but soon returned, with his own firearm, which he held to the new boyfriend's head. According to the Las Vegas Police's Ray Spencer, the woman brought the incident to an end with a single shot that killed the 31-year-old Pinson.

Cameron Pinson = Manic person, no?
Cameron E. Pinson ~  pines “no romance!”
 

South Carolina 19-year-old Hannah Ayers recounts that her jet-ski trip to look at waterfalls with 29-year-old Drew Morgan did not start well: he was intoxicated and “slurring his words”. It became worse after he took a sharp turn. Ayers and Morgan, both without life vests, ended up flailing in Lake Keowee, from which septuagenarian couple John and Debra Dotson plucked them. Morgan was not happy, though – “all Drew cared about was getting his jet ski back”, Ayers recalled. His attempts to wrest control of the couple's boat broke its kill switch and injured the Dotsons.

    Ayers started hitting him and ended up shoving him back into the water, but the Dotsons pulled him back onto the pontoon. He grew even more combative, even after Dotson fired a warning shot and repeatedly pistol-whipped Morgan. That's when he shot Morgan in the chest, killing him. Ayers concluded that Dotson “had to shoot to protect himself and his wife”, and the Oconee County Sheriff's Office have stated that prosecutors agree.

Drew Morgan ~ grew random.
 

Speaking to first responders who were trying to save her unresponsive baby Kai, Indiana's Megan Ford explained that the boy had been fine only minutes earlier. That said, he had been “a little fussy” while she was strapping him into his car seat.

    Kai survived until reaching hospital, where examinations revealed bruises aligned with the seat buckles' locations. The baby, who also had five broken ribs, was determined to have probably died from “mechanical asphyxia due to chest and abdomen compression”. The 35-year-old Ford explained that, though she'd thrown away the instruction manual for the car seat, she'd planned to ask her mother that very day how to adjust it. Her mother had given her the seat when Kai was half his current weight. Ford has been charged with felonious neglect of a dependent resulting in serious bodily injury.

Megan E. Ford = Danger of... me!
 

Complaining to a 911 operator that the methamphetamine he'd purchased was really bath salts, self-professed experienced drug user Thomas E. Colucci insisted that the police visit his Spring Hill, Florida, home to test it. While Colucci, 41, explained that he wanted to “put the [dealer] in trouble” so that other people couldn't be cheated as he had, he proved unable to recall identifying details for said dealer.

    In the end, he needn't have worried: the content of the two baggies he proffered proved genuine. He has been charged with possession of methamphetamine and drug paraphernalia.

Thomas E. Colucci = Comical touches
 

Upon finding her son's severed head in a bucket in the basement, a Green Bay, Wisconsin, woman contacted the police and pointed them toward the woman who had been down there with him earlier. That woman, Taylor Denise Schabusiness, explained that she'd become carried away after the victim had put a chain around his neck during sex: she enjoyed choking him too much to stop, even when he started to cough up blood. Schabusiness, 24, told the police that, after 2-3 hours of sex with the corpse, she dismembered it with kitchen knives. She added that detectives were going to have fun trying to find all of the organs but that, because drugs had made her lazy and paranoid, her plan to remove the limbs from the premises had been limited to a foot or leg. That's why she forgot to take the victim's head with her.

Taylor Schabusiness = Constabulary hisses!
 

In the US South, a worker at the Georgia Vocational Rehabilitation Agency noticed colleague Robin Folsom's seven-month baby bump come away from her body and reported her, so the Inspector General's office began an investigation. After the supposed birth, Folsom, 43, had the supposed father e-mail her bosses a claim that she needed several weeks of bed rest. An IG press release states that she also sent photos to her co-workers of the claimed newborn, which “depicted children with varying skin tones”.

    Investigation of the previous birth for which she'd received paid maternity leave revealed no records of a child or related medical procedures that time either. Folsom has been charged on three counts of making false statements and one count of identity fraud.

Robin Folsom = Lo! Moron fibs!
 

English astrophysicist Matthew Willson proved unable to predict the physics affecting another part of the planet, his girlfriend Katherine Shepard's flat in Atlanta, Georgia. While he was lying in bed there, a stray bullet from a nearby building passed through a patch of woods and an exterior wall, hitting the 31-year-old Willson in the head. He later died in hospital.

    While gunfire had been heard from the neighbouring block of flats 2-3 times in the preceding months, this time it wasn't “just a few shots”, according to Shepard's flat-mate; it “kept going on for 20 or 30 minutes, until one of the stray bullets hit Matthew”. Appealing for information, police sergeant Jake Kissel said: “Even though we believe that it was a random act [...], we're still approaching it as a homicide.”

Matthew Willson = two thin walls -> me
 

Seeking new beginnings, Arkansas's Laura Oglesby applied for a social-security card on her daughter's behalf and used it to get herself a driving licence. The 40-something Oglesby then moved to Missouri, where she enrolled as a Southwest Baptist University student, gained employment at a library, and began dating young men in the guise of her 22-year-old daughter Lauren Hays. After roughly two years of this life and $25,000 in debt accumulated under Hays's name, a traffic stop led to things unravelling. She faces up to five years behind bars for identity theft and has been ordered to pay restitution to her daughter and the university.

A really bogus ~ Laura Oglesby...
 

Louisiana's Rutledge Deas IV is at it again. Having been rumbled for posing as a mentally disabled man in order to get female nurses to “babysit” him and change his nappies, he pleaded guilty to attempted human-trafficking (of care workers) and drugs charges so was handed a 12-year prison sentence. That was suspended in a plea deal, however, and the 31-year-old Deas was caught violating his probation by not just employing the same ruse again but also asking at least one victim to help find more caregivers to help with his ostensible special needs. Police are still trying to find all of the possible victims.

Rutledge Deas IV = Devil sated urge
Or is “Add severe guilt” more apt?
Rutledge Deas IV = Deserved guilt
 

In Milbank, South Dakota, Brent Monroe Hanson, 57, gave sister-in-law Jessica vague answers about what had become of her dog, which he'd promised to care for while she was in hospital. Her husband Clyde intervened once the ensuing argument had escalated to blows to her head, and the couple reported the incident to the police.

    A few months later, police chief Boyd VanVooren called Brent in to ask whether there'd been further issues and to give him a Christmas card from church. Told that Clyde and Jessica “no longer live [t]here”, VanVooren might have left it at that, but a call then came in from a food-delivery worker about blood on the Hansons' door. So the chief asked where the pair had moved. The answer was a hroat-slitting motion and “I snapped; I killed them on Sunday”.

    Officers found their machete- and baseball-bat-mangled bodies behind a tarp and drywall. The couple's three-year-old son was unharmed; in the days since the three murders (Jessica was heavily gravid), Brent had been looking after him in another part of the house.

Brent Monroe Hanson = No manners, no bother
 

From 2021

At a bungee-jumping facility in Amagá, northern Colombia, 25-year-old Yecenia Morales Gómez was waiting behind her boyfriend in the queue to take a flying leap. After being kitted out in the harness, she heard the signal for her boyfriend to jump from the bridge and “she got confused”, in the words of the city's mayor, Gustav Guzmán. He had a bungee cord around his ankles, while she did not.

    She reportedly died of a massive heart attack during her cordless 50-metre fall, with her boyfriend's subsequent CPR attempts proving fruitless.

Yecenia Morales Gomez = Me, I'm one crazy eagle, so...
 

In May, a Connecticut woman filed a complaint about occasions on which her landlord, Jorge Orellana-Arias, had entered the bedroom she shares with her daughter and rummaged through their clothing. On one occasion, she reported, he'd fled upon startling her daughter, who was in the flat on her own.

    After this, she erected barriers but suspected that Orellana-Arias, 38, merely switched to a side door to make further visits. Her next recourse was hidden cameras. This is why the police now have footage of him bringing female undergarments to his nose. The tenant turned the tape over to the police, who have turned Orellana-Orias over to the court system.

Jorge Orellana-Arias = So near a large jail, or...?

The wanker Jorge Orellana-Arias ~ hankers to wear real jail orange.
 

In Florida, a woman decided to dress down, all the way to her birthday suit, for a visit to an Outback Steakhouse location. The incident culminated in 53-year-old Tina Kindred mounting the bar and hurling glasses and bottles of booze at the assembled company until members of the Ocala Police Department had dodged glassware long enough to Taser her in the left breast and then arrest her.

    Before racking up several thousand dollars in damage there, Kindred had paid a topless visit to Mojo Grill & Catering, where she was denied entry. Complaining that the owner is dishonest, she flipped over some tables and tried to get into a customer's car before driving “wrecklessly” in the car park and leaving for greener pastures.

Tina Kindred
= Naked, in dirt
= Kind at diner?
 

South Africa is a special place, one where Gosiame Sithole made headlines in June for giving birth to 10 babies. In the months since, the babies' claimed father, Teboho Tsotetsi, stated that he'd never met any of the decuplets, and a subsequent examination at Tembisa Hospital revealed that Sithole, 37, “did not give birth to any babies in recent times” and had never been pregnant in recent years either.

    The aftermath includes her admission to a psychiatric hospital in Pretoria and an admission from Pretoria News editor Piet Rampedi that “I used no investigative tool or checklist” before sending this “story of celebration” around the world, since Sithole “had no reason to lie to me”.

Gosiame Sithole = Sham etiologies
 

Texas's Casey Garcia was concerned about lack of security at her daughter's middle school. So, garbed as a teenager, 30-year-old Garcia posed as her 13-year-old offspring at the San Eliazario facility “all day, face to face with teachers”, even interacting with the principal at one point.

    In a video posted to YouTube at the end of the school day, Garcia sums up: “Do I look like a seventh-grader? No? Cool.” The school resolved the problem by having her arrested on suspicion of criminal trespassing and tampering with (presumably attendance-related) government records.

Casey Garcia = Age circa, say, ...?
 

Three men in West Lakeland, Florida, were watching a televised basketball game when they “heard a pop” and saw the three-year-old boy in their care dash for his bedroom after having shot his sister, age 2, in the chest. Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd reported that, as the men sped to their local hospital with the siblings, they T-boned a vehicle that had turned into their path, “and there were significant injuries from that as well”. Another motorist completed the hospital run, and the girl has undergone likely the first of several surgeries.

    In response to 23-year-old gun-owner Kevonte' Wilson's comment that he'd hidden the firearm to keep it away from the children, Judd said: “I don't know how you think you safely keep a gun away from children when you stick it between the couch” and that the adults are to be held appropriately criminally liable in relation to the handgun issue and the drugs found in the home.

Kevonte' Wilson = Violent news, OK?
 

Though normally keeping to himself, Dominican Republic resident Marc Feren Claude Biart decided to share his knowledge with the world: the former chef posted Italian-cooking tutorials to YouTube. To shield his identity from mass consumption, he hid his face. His failure to conceal “distinctive body tattoos”, however, provided a breakthrough for Italian authorities, who had ordered his arrest back in 2014 for international cocaine-trafficking. Biart was added to the list of defendants in the 'Ndrangheta mafia trial, whose names took more than three hours to be read out in court.

Marc Feren Claude Biart = a fumbler incarcerated
 

Sydney Therriault is a 22-year-old Maryland woman who decided to enjoy life and visit Florida. In the course of enjoying herself, she lost her hotel key. “Determined to solve the problem with that fearless confidence of hers”, as her mother later put it, she decided to climb back into her room via its bathroom window. That's where Monroe County Sheriff's Office personnel found her the next morning. The window had fallen closed while she was halfway through, and Therriault died of asphyxia.

Sydney Therriault = a duly shit re-entry
 

The subject of our next item is Italy's Salvatore Scumace, a 66-year-old man employed as a civil servant in Calabria. Since 2005, when he was hired to work at the fire-emergency operations centre of the Pugliese Ciaccio hospital, he took home about 538,000 euros in pay without once setting foot on the premises.

    The police report that Scumace allegedly threatened a manager who planned to report his chronic absenteeism, while her successor and the human-resources department never noticed his absence. Six managers are under scrutiny in connection with the case, and Scumace is being investigated for fraud, extortion, and abuse of office.

Salvatore Scumace, in southern Italy
= The mass truancy-rule-violation case
Or   Man's truancy violates the rules. Ciao!
 

Brazilian news outlet UOL reports on a confrontation in the centre of Smão Paulo in which police officer Márcio Simmão took subordinate Felipe do Nascimento to task for returning five minutes late from lunch and thereby preventing Simmão from going on his own break. When Simmão declared that he would report Nascimento's tardiness, the latter waved his service weapon in Simmão's face. While members of the public were urging Nascimento to “kill him!” and “shoot him in the ass!”, nearby officers stepped in and took him into custody. He was put on report for tardiness and for threat and violence against a qualified superior.

Felipe do Nascimento = ID of tense policeman
Also,   Impatience ends fool
 

Work in the operating room can be trickier when one has been drinking. During an emergency Caesarean section at a French hospital, anaesthetist Helga Wauters, 51, might not have appreciated this fact. One of her wine-fuelled mistakes was to push a breathing tube into the patient's oesophagus. Witnesses report that she also claimed that the ventilator was malfunctioning, when the real problem was that Wauters hadn't hooked it up – 28-year-old Xynthia Hawke had been fitted with only a stand-alone oxygen mask.

    Hawke woke up during the operation, shouting “It hurts!” and vomiting. She suffered a heart attack and died four days later.

    When Wauters was taken into custody, her blood alcohol level was .38%. She has been handed a three-year jail term and forbidden from practising in France. Additionally, it emerged that she had been fired from her previous job, in her native Belgium, for being under the influence of alcohol at work.

Helga Wauters = A huge wastrel
 

When airline staff at O'Hare International Airport asked 36-year-old Aditya Singh to produce his identification, he pointed at his badge. However, that badge belonged to an operations manager who'd reported it stolen in October. Asked to explain himself, Singh stated that he was “scared to go home [Los Angeles] due to CoViD”; finding the staff badge had provided a solution. He had been residing in an area past security checkpoints for three months, living on handouts from passengers.

    While he was awaiting trial for felony criminal trespass to a restricted airport area and misdemeanour theft, the Chicago Department of Aviation stated that “this gentleman did not pose a security risk to the airport or to the traveling public”. Meanwhile, a judge has, however, ruled that he is a danger to the community, “based upon the need for airports to be absolutely secure so that people feel safe to travel”.

Aditya Singh = A shiny ID tag!
 

From 2020

Florida Highway Patrol officers found a corpse after having a car towed from the scene of a single-car accident on the motorway and noticing clouds of flies focused on the vehicle's smelly back end. The body within was that of 25-year-old rapper Brian “Kent Won't Stop” Trotter, “wrapped in a piece of fabric and in an advanced stage of decomposition”. Also in the vehicle were fired and non-fired bullets matching those in Trotter's torso.

    The driver, Trotter's long-time friend Robert Deupree Avery Coltrain, also 25, has been charged with second-degree murder and illegal transport of human remains.

Brian Trotter = Rot, inert brat!
 

According to a police report filed by an off-duty officer signing himself as Corporal Monte, those aboard an early-morning flight from Las Vegas to Detroit were jolted awake by a blood-curdling scream from passenger Alicia Beverly, 25. Next to Beverly's drenched seat stood Love Wins pastor Daniel Chalmers. Monte recounted: “I then asked Chalmers 'What did you do?' and he replied 'I peed on her, I thought I was going to the bathroom'”.

    After using the actual toilet, Chalmers clarified that “whatever it is she is accusing me of, I didn't do it”. Allegedly, the North Carolina religious leader then asked Monte to feel the visibly wet groin area of his shorts. Chalmers also referred to “a terrible reaction” to the sleep aid Ambien.

    Several hours later, when the plane landed, Chalmers was arrested, his drunkenness was verified, and he threatened to sue Delta Airlines for defamation of character. Shortly after this, Beverly changed out of her soaked skirt and expressed a desire to sue Chalmers. Her solicitor contends also that his church had breached its “duties to the general public to properly hire, train and retain employees that could [...] refrain from injuring the public”.

Daniel Chalmers
= I'd call her a Men's.
= Aim drenches all
 

About two weeks after being put in charge of a police station in the Philippines' Northern Samar, Christian Bolok received a report of a cockfight in the village of Manduyang – though most such events were declared illegal nationwide for the duration of the coronavirus outbreak. He decided to lead a raid in person. While collecting evidence amid a scuffle, he picked up a rooster and was struck in the thigh by its fighting spur. Bolok, 38, died of blood loss from the femoral artery before reaching a hospital.

    Apart from what the province's head of police, Colonel Arnel Apud, called “a piece of bad luck that I cannot explain”, the raid produced three arrests, three arrest warrants, and the seizing of seven fighting roosters and the equivalent of 10 euros.

Chief Christian Bolok  =  Cock hit his boner – fail!
 

When Louisiana's Oscar Urias, 23, and girlfriend Elizabeth Tornabene, 31, returned from a bedroom, their family members received quite a fright – connected less with the devil mask Urias had donned than with the two large knives he proceeded to stab into Tornabene.

    Intervening, his teenaged brother and sister failed to save her life and ended up with knife wounds. Urias then ushered the other two people in the home outside. One of them was Tornabene's teenaged sister, who fled to a home down the street. According to the homeowner, Urias followed the girl into a garage there, killed her with a machete, and left with some of her internal organs draped around his neck.

    Urias returned to the garage later and was arrested. He faces two charges each of attempted and successful first-degree murder, along with offences related to illegal immigration.

Oscar Urias = Soar, Icarus!
 

The Las Vegas Review-Journal reported on the day when a flustered Sidney Deal locked his keys in his new Nissan Altima after an argument with his girlfriend. He sought assistance from nearby police officers, whose efforts included trying to access the vehicle by means of a hanger and offering to break a window. Deal balked; he didn't have the money for repairs. The price cited for a tow truck didn't meet his approval either. Next, the officers offered to call a locksmith, but Deal used their phone to summon his brother Samid instead. Upon arrival, Samid proposed wrapping his shirt around his hand and punching out the window. Deal again balked, but the officers had had enough. Worried about Deal's daughter inside the car, they broke the glass, above his protests that there was no need since the air-conditioning system was running. It turned out that one-year-old Sayah was already dead.

    A neighbour from whom the police had requested a clothes hanger reported that these proceedings took hours in outdoor temperatures that reached 35 degrees. Deal has been arrested for felonious child abuse.

Sidney Deal = Delay is end
 

A Pasco County, Florida, couple entrusted with the care of six children chose to punish one boy's misbehaviour by confining him to a bedroom containing only a blanket and mattress, with a boarded-up window and no electricity, for up to 12 hours a day. One of his siblings, however, pushed a book of matches under the door, enabling him to set the mattress on fire. When fire crews arrived, the vermin and faeces in the room could not escape their attention, and detectives soon arrived to speak with the couple, Daniel and Kelly Davis. While officers had spoken with the children, all of them home-schooled and aged 10 and below, before, they couldn't speak freely at the time. On this occasion, however, even 37-year-old Daniel “freely admitted, without hesitation, that the dogs in the household had more freedom and better living conditions”, according to Detective Randall Jones. All the children were placed in protective custody.

Daniel Davis ~  as in “evil dad”
 

District administrators restricted Sylvain Helaine from teaching kindergarten at Docteur Morere Elementary School, near Paris, after a three-year-old not in his direct care encountered him in a common area and began having nightmares about him. Helaine, 35, stresses that his pupils – age 6 and up at the time of reporting – and their parents have always been able to see past his full-body tattoos and surgically blackened eyes and that, therefore, the school's decision was “quite sad”.

Sylvain Helaine = Insanely evil? Ha!

Teacher Sylvain Helaine = In eye archive: “SATAN/HELL”
Teacher Sylvain Helaine = Satanic? “Hell, yeah!” / “I never...!”
Teacher Sylvain Helaine ~ has an EVIL eye-chart line.
 

Shortly after Anchorage, Alaska, news anchor Maria Athens announced via Facebook that she would soon report on the mayor having posted photos of his naked body on an “underage website”, the Fox/ABC affiliate barred Athens from its studio. She then released an image described as the backside of mayor Ethan Berkowitz, 58. This was followed by denials from his office and release of a voice-mail message described as death threats made by Athens against the mayor and his wife.

    He has since resigned and admitted to “a consensual, inappropriate messaging relationship” with Athens. An investigation found no evidence of criminal conduct on his part. Athens, in contrast, was arrested for trespassing at the studio and assaulting the station manager – who is her boyfriend – for not letting her run her story.

Maria Athens = I trash a name
Maria Athens ~ is a man-hater!
 

A concerned citizen in Corbin, Kentucky, rang the state police to report an attempt at human trafficking near the petrol pumps at the town's Speedy Mart: someone was trying to sell a child for $2,500. The alleged perpetrator's driving-licence number led officers to 29-year-old Harry Day, and the four-year-old black boy involved was at home with his mother, Gertrude Henson, 26.

    Officers found methamphetamine and drug paraphernalia at her home, whereupon she admitted to having used drugs with Day earlier in the day. Both adults were taken into custody, and Day later pleaded guilty to promoting human-trafficking of a child. He has been sentenced to 360 days in jail.

Gertrude Henson = Resent negro? Duh.
 

The Orlando Fire Department has described a call-out to Florida's Shooters World gun range, where a teenaged girl had climbed inside a gun safe on the showroom floor and found herself behind its closed and, therefore, locked door. Fire District Chief J.J. White stated that the crew began by trying the manufacturer's suggestions. When “the fail-safe system failed on it”, they asked the girl to stand back and then used hydraulic extraction tools to bend the safe to their will.

Shooters World = Worthless door!
 

To unwind after a long day at work, North Carolina emergency-room physician Devainder Goli decided to watch a film on his mobile phone. In combination with his car's regrettably named Autopilot feature, this decision caused Goli, 66, to crash into a Nash County patrol car that was responding to an accident on the motorway. The Tesla's impact sent the police car smashing into a North Carolina State Highway Patrol vehicle, in turn. Two officers were knocked to the ground but not seriously injured.

Maybe next time...
     Devainder Goli = Drive along, die
 

    Salyers later offered the explanation that he'd fired accidentally while switching hands to open the door to the gun-on-hip figure he'd spied through his peephole. However, the state police reported finding evidence that the Glock had been pressed against the door when fired.

    Hutton died at a local hospital after Salyers rang 911.

Calvin Salyers = I vs. any callers
 

Having judged the novel coronavirus to be a hoax and deeming diagnoses of it to be part of a conspiracy, Florida mother and registered nurse Carole Brunton Davis decided to take her immunocompromised daughter, Carsyn, to a church-sponsored “COVID party”. According to the medical examiner's report, the event, attended by 100+ mask-free children, left Carsyn with a telltale cough and headaches. When she did not improve, Davis initiated home treatment with azithromycin. That didn't help, so, since Carsyn “looked gray”, Carole attached the teenager to her grandfather's oxygen machine and then tried hydroxychloroquine, before finally taking the 17-year-old to a hospital for intensive care. Less than two days later, she was dead or, in her mother's words, “pain free”.

Carsyn Leigh Davis = Viral chases, dying
Fort Myers's Carole Brunton Davis = Very dumb loser's a frantic sort, no?
 

The Chicago police's Brendan Deenihan described a case in which two teenagers outside a corner shop where they'd purchased sweets asked “quite tall” 19-year-old man Laroy Battle exactly how tall he was, musing that they hoped to grow that tall themselves. We will never know, because Battle took exception to the question and shot them each multiple times, including in the back. Both died in hospital.

    The community supplied surveillance video footage and identified Battle, who faces two charges of first-degree murder.

Laroy Battle = Rate tall boy
 

Pennsylvania's Andrea Isabell said that her husband wondered why the water damage from Tropical Storm Fay had left a sticky residue rather than just dark spots on their walls. She recounts that when “we were brave and smelled it, he said 'This is honey – this is honey pouring down our walls'”. A little sniffing around led them to the walls near the top of the building, where only the occasional solitary bee had previously been spotted. Isabell has booked an extraction operation. She said that, while her three sons “were wondering if we could set a tap up so we could just pour honey on our yogurt and granola in the morning”, the bees need a home where “they're safe and happy and not living with us”.

Andrea Isabell  =  Bees land – a lair!
 

Sylvia Driskell is a 66-year-old Nebraska woman and self-professed ambassador of “God, And His, Son Jesus Christ” who has chosen to represent herself in the court case she has filed against all gay people on Earth. With Driskell v. Homosexuals, she is calling upon U.S. District Judge John M. Gerrard to issue a ruling on whether homosexuality is a sin. In lieu of case law, she offers quotations from the Bible and a dictionary, along with such arguments as this: “[T]hey the homosexuals know it is a sin to live a life of homosexuality. Why else would they have been hiding in the closet.”

Sylvia Driskell = I'll rail vs. dykes.
 

Daphne Taylor = Yeah, Portland.
 

Florida teenager Sebastian Norris was seeking buried treasure with a metal detector in a park about 10 metres from a St. Andrews beach when he found not gold or silver but titanium – a prosthetic leg. He set out to find the person who'd lost it.

    It turned out to have been ripped from its owner, Carter Hess, by a powerful wave during a surfing trip about a month earlier. After a fruitless two-day search, he'd given up on finding the $3,000 bespoke prosthetic. Hess, who lost his original leg in 2012 after an injury in Afghanistan, treated the Norrises to dinner and stressed that “a lot of guys, especially treasure hunters, would have just put it in a trophy case, but he realised it could be important and someone could need it”.

Carter Hess = Search... Rest.
 

Prof. Peter Davies is a British tuberculosis expert whose wife, at his encouragement, installed filters on his home computer in an attempt to prevent him from viewing pornography. The failure of this attempt became clear when Liverpool Heart and Chest Hospital traced “inappropriate browsing activity” to his work computer, on which he'd viewed such content as a person engaging in sexual relations with a horse and a dog. Davies, 70, ended up dismissed for engaging in gross misconduct.

    He told the Medical Practitioners' Tribunal Service that, although he had viewed these particular images out of curiosity, he has had an addiction to pornography since age 18 and had been receiving counselling for this. He added: “I'm amazed the NHS trust had no means of finding out earlier in a sense, and I'm grateful to that person who did.”

Peter Davies = Seated, I perv.
ID of repeat perv's ~  Prof. Peter Davies
 

At a supermarket in Anne Arundel, Maryland, a man jostled hapless shopper Katie Peters and applied a syringe to one of her buttocks. Her startled reaction to the cigarette-burn-like sensation prompted the man to state “I know it feels like a bee sting, doesn't it?”. After leaving, she discovered the inflamed puncture to her skin and started feeling “really bad” pain. Investigating, the county police department identified the substance from the syringe as semen.

    Thanks to security footage, a suspect has been identified too: Thomas Byron Stemen, who was found in possession of several syringes of this nature. Although two people at the supermarket narrowly escaped his “very aggressive and very deliberate” stabbing attempts, detectives believe there are other victims and have asked them to step forward.

Shot at by Mr Semen! No!! = Thomas Byron Stemen
Semen's by that moron ~  Thomas Byron Stemen
 

In response to social-media images showing a young boy apparently sporting serious chemical burns on his arms and legs, the River Vale, New Jersey, police paid a visit to the 7-Eleven store where the boy's family had purchased “spray sanitiser”. To meet coronavirus-related demand for reasonably priced hand sanitiser amidst commercial products' scarcity, shop-owner Manisha Bharade had opted for a homebrew version, apparently made at the 7-Eleven.

    Officers seized the remaining bottles of the concoction, but their Lieutenant John DeVoe reports that about a dozen had already been purchased. Bharade is being charged with endangering the welfare of a child and engaging in deceptive business practices. Meanwhile, hospital staff treated the 10-year-old boy's burns, and three other children are recovering from less severe burns.

Manisha Bharade   i.e., “Ah, a sham brand!”
 

Pennsylvania mother Rachel Love Martin at least dropped off her nine-year-old daughter at a child-minder's home before completing her heroin overdose. Noticing that the autistic girl was wearing no socks, shoes, or outerwear, despite single-digit temperatures, the child-minder rang the police, who found Martin still at the home, slumped over in her idling car. She too had an unusual choice of attire: a Cookie Monster costume.

    Emergency crews treated Martin, who will face endangerment charges, while the girl was placed in a grandmother's custody.

Rachel Love Martin
= A craven, ill mother
= Call her normative?
= Calm travel & heroin
 

Seloni Khetarpal rang the emergency services to report that her mother had terminated her mobile-phone service. The 36-year-old Khetarpal demanded that officers visit the Canton, Ohio, home and rectify matters. Though the operator admonished her to use the 911 line only for legitimate purposes, estate agent Khetarpal rang again, two hours later, to insist that her problem was of legitimate concern to law-enforcement personnel.

    Khetarpal was placed in jail and posted bail. She then was charged with disruption of service herself – disrupting smooth operation of the 911 service.

Seloni Khetarpal = “A parent is hell, OK?”
 

Florida mother Heather Chisum expressed outrage online upon discovering a message written by day-care centre staff on her one-year-old son's belly. The note, in green permanent marker, says: “Mom I'm out of diapers pls read my report.” This refers to a daily report, tucked into the child's lunchbox, that advises on any need for nappies or other supplies.

    Chisum, who responded with the comment “SUE ME FOR NOT READING THE REPORT EVERY SINGLE DAY” and with a police report, admitted that this is not the first time the staff have resorted to writing reminders on her children. This time, Children's Education Center of the Islands have fired the person responsible, for breaching the facility's professional ethics.

Hush, teacher, I'm ~  Heather Chisum!
 

Trouble arrived when a Colorado girl picked up a plastic water bottle that had been left on a table. When five-year-old Sophia Larson pronounced the contents “Yucky!”, mother Stephanie Alvarado and two of Alvarado's cousins put 2 and 2 together: the bottle was a water pipe they had used earlier when smoking methamphetamine.

    Larson soon started seeing “monsters and demons”, according to affidavits filed later. As her condition grew worse, the family tried to treat her themselves – by wrapping her in a blanket, praying, and finally taking her to a nearby flat to use a neighbour's oxygen tube – allegedly because Alvarado feared losing Sophie “in the system”.

    Instead, the girl was lost to the Grim Reaper, with her father racing to the hospital in vain while wondering how on Earth a healthy young girl could have suffered cardiac arrest. Alvarado and her two cousins have been arrested.

Stephanie Alvarado = Evade a Sophia L. rant?
 

Fearing that a pancreatic-cancer patient might suffer an allergic reaction to the iodine typically used as a surgical antiseptic, physicians at Romania's Floreasca Hospital opted to employ hand sanitiser in its stead. When this alcohol-based disinfectant and their electric scalpel came in contact, flames engulfed the operating table, leaving the 66-year-old patient with ultimately fatal burns.

    An investigation has been opened, with Deputy Minister of Health Horațiu Moldovan stating that the surgeons should have been aware that using the two products in combination is prohibited for a reason.

“Alcohol's safe.” RIP at ~  Floreasca Hospital

Floreasca Hospital
= A flash, roast, police
= Scalpel oafs + hot air
= A collosal fire path
 

Meanwhile, a cancer patient in Brewerton, New York, has survived and is seeking the return of the cat she's given up for adoption during treatment. Claiming that she'd sought a new home for Lacie primarily because the feline suffered distress at not being able to sleep alongside her, 73-year-old Carol Money claims that adopter Danette Romano both had no intention of sharing a bed with Lacie and withheld that fact. According to Money, Romano's husband has since revealed that the cat sleeps alone, prompting Money to initiate enough electronic contact and visits that a judge issued a cease-and-desist order.

Carol Money  =  Mercy – a loon!
 

When Joanne Mercader's landlord paid a late-night visit to her trailer in Volusia County, Florida, Mercader attempted to address her fear of eviction via a bucket of poo. Mercader, 59, later told sheriff's officers that the landlord had broken into her trailer and attacked her with the excrement, although the landlord was the one dripping with faeces. Back-tracking when asked to prepare a statement, she then claimed that she did lob the bucket's contents at the other woman but had intended to wield a nearby bucket of water instead.

    The landlord, who plans to press charges against Mercader, told officers that there'd been no threat of eviction in any case: this was a pre-announced visit to check on broken items.

Joanne Mercader = Jeer “Damn crone!”
 

From 2019

Northern Brazil's Neitor Schiave tried to help 60-year-old mother Maria with her driving test, which she had failed thrice. Driving examiner Aline Mendonça recounts that Schiave, 43, took a hands-on approach to the test in Nova Mutum Paraná: putting his own hands, with neatly painted fingernails, on the steering wheel. Though sporting plenty of facial make-up, a floral-print blouse, a wig, and jewellery, Schiave didn't look convincingly similar to the woman on the relevant ID document. Therefore, the police were called in, and Schiave was arrested for fraud and misuse of someone's identity. He has confessed but maintains that his mother had no knowledge of his scheme.

Neitor Schiave
= I contrive a "she"
= Oh, creative sin!
= Cheer at vision...
= "Nice hair!" votes?
= No ethics, I aver.
= Cheatin' is over.
 

In Utah, Clearfield High School baseball coach Steve Ross wanted the playing field to dry more quickly after a rainy spell in advance of a game, so he doused the baseball diamond with 55 to 75 litres of diesel fuel and standard petrol, then set light to it. His actions came to light after a concerned parent noticed the smell of petrol during a match. Caution tape soon encircled the infield. The team have no field and no coach for the moment either – Ross has been placed on administrative leave. Also, the area may not have safe groundwater any longer.

Clearfield, Utah, ~  had fuel recital.
Utah's Clearfield High School = Coach had his role: lights fuel
 

Doesn't it make sense to test that a product works as it should? This might have been the reasoning, if any, applied by Arkansas's Charles Ferris and Christopher Hicks when they had access to a .22-calibre rifle and a bulletproof vest.

    The two men are neighbours who were drinking together on a deck when Ferris, 50, asked Hicks, 36, to shoot him and thereby test the vest. Hicks complied. This hurt, so Ferris retaliated by swapping roles and then firing all the remaining rounds into the other man's back.

    Both men have been arrested.

Charles E. Ferris = Research rifles.
Or   Rifle scars here
Christopher Hicks = Oh, check shirt rips.
 

Upstate New York's Lisa Snyder rang the emergency services to report finding four-year-old daughter Brinley and eight-year-old son Connor hanging by a dog lead attached to a beam in her basement, with upturned chairs on the floor below. After the children died in hospital, Snyder described a heavily bullied and suicidal Connor asking to take her hours-old dog lead and heavy dining-room chairs into the basement to build a fort with Brinley.

    Evidence soon emerged that Connor, while not having displayed the physical difficulties described by Snyder, would have had a hard time hanging his sister at the same time as himself. Also, he had seemed happy, while Snyder, 36, was the one with a troubled history, which included two of her children having been removed from her care and later returned. Then, examination of her electronic devices revealed her Web searches less than a week earlier for "carbon monoxide in a car how long to die" and "does a hybrid car produce carbon monoxide while idling", then "hanging yourself". Authorities also found a search for "almost got away with it". And they found at least three sexually explicit photos she had sent of herself engaged in sex acts with the family dog.

Lisa Snyder = Sirens, lady!
 

Arlando M. Henderson faces various charges for financial crimes that he might not have committed in the subtlest possible way. This 29-year-old man worked at a Charlotte, North Carolina, bank, where he had access to the cash vault, from which 80,000 euros' worth of deposited money vanished in the course of 2019. Several of the 10 or more thefts were on the same dates as cash deposits by Henderson at a nearby ATM and coincide with dodgy edits to the bank's books that implicate him. He also made a $20,000 down payment on a luxury car in cash.

    In addition, he faces charges for covering the rest of the cost of that 2019 Mercedes-Benz with a loan obtained under false pretexts from another financial institution. Prosecutor Daniel Ryan's job has been made even easier by Henderson's decision to post photos of him posing with stacks of cash on several occasions in preceding months.

Arlando M. Henderson ~  manhandles order, no?

Arlando M. Henderson
= Send a moron-handler
= He's darned non-moral
= A dosh-laden Mr Enron
 

During a supervised visit with her 12-year-old son in Goleta, California, 55-year-old orthopaedic surgeon Theresa Colosi began whacking the court-appointed chaperone in the head with a metal object. At the social worker's behest, the boy ran to fetch help at the nearby bowling alley, with Colosi hot on his heels until he was safely indoors. She then opted to drive off, and witnesses summoned help for the seriously wounded social worker.

    Authorities then learned that Colosi had given away all of her belongings, withdrawn nearly a million dollars from her bank account, and chartered a flight to Montana for herself and her dog (under assumed names) – along with a 12-year-old boy. She was apprehended after entering a taxi in Montana and became subject to a host of charges, including attempted murder and attempted kidnapping of a child.

Theresa Colosi = Hostile. Coarse.
 

Thomas Alexander went hunting in Yelleville, Arkansas, where he felled a buck with a muzzle-loader. It wasn't long before the 66-year-old man rang his wife, reporting that the animal had won.

    Arkansas Game and Fish Commission spokesman Keith Stephens later explained that Alexander "went up to check it to make sure it was dead, and evidently it wasn't". First responders directed to the site by Alexander's wife were unable to treat him for the multiple puncture wounds inflicted by the deer, and he died before a medical helicopter could reach him. Dogs were unable to locate the wounded buck.

Thomas Alexander = A lax man shot deer...
 

On the eve of a judicial conference, in Indianapolis, three alcohol-lubricated Indiana county judges – Andrew Adams, Bradley Jacobs, and Sabrina Bell – headed for a gentlemen's club at the end of the evening's drinking but found it closed. So they opted instead for a White Castle food establishment (few people would consider these restaurants). In the car park there, the three drunken judges entered a disagreement with two people in an SUV. Adams engaged in what was later deemed to be battery, and Bell allegedly brandished a middle finger in anger. This left the non-judge pair unhappy, so they shot Adams and Jacobs. The suspects fled the scene but were later arrested, and the wounded judges received emergency surgery.

    Adams has been suspended without pay for 60 days and the other two judges for a month, on account of actions that the Indiana Supreme Court described as having "discredited the entire Indiana judiciary".

Sabrina Bell = Label: "Brains"
Andrew Adams = New sad drama
Bradley Brown Jacobs = Bar crawls beyond job
If she is reactionary in her judgements:   Sabrina Bell = "Ban liberals!"
If he escalated the altercation greatly:   Andrew Adams ~ demands a war.
If he was incoherent at the time of the incident:   Bradley Brown Jacobs = Clown jabbers by road
In any case, it seems that he won't be able to escape justice by playing his law-job snobbery card.
 

In 2014, a Florida family hired nanny Marissa A. Mowry to look after their 11-year-old son. She ended up doing a bit more than that, and she gave birth to his child later in the year. The family found out only in 2017, after the boy reported the abuse and a DNA test proved his claim. Later pleading guilty to various sexual crimes, Mowry was sentenced to 20 years in prison. Meanwhile, the victim began looking after the resulting child when the two young men aren't both attending school.

Marissa A. Mowry ~  is a mama's worry.
 

Cilla Carden is a Perth woman who has embraced veganism and, therefore, has not embraced her neighbours' embracing of an Australian tradition, the backyard barbecue. She has sued them for cooking meat and fish in their yard. "I can't enjoy my backyard" she said on appeal to the Supreme Court of Australia, and she argued that the intent behind her neighbours' outdoor cooking was to anger her.

    In response, Facebook-users arranged for a community barbecue to be held near Carden's home on 19 October, with thousands of people claiming that they will attend.

Cilla Carden ~  circled "anal".
 

Dispatchers with the Los Angeles County sheriff's office received a panicked call from their own car park: a sniper in a nearby building had fired at least twice at the caller, sheriff's officer Angel Reinosa, grazing his shoulder. Soon, SWAT officers and numerous others converged on the location to comb the relevant building complex.

    Initially, the bulletproof vest worn by 21-year-old Reinosa was credited with saving his life. After an overnight search for the sniper, it became clear that the only weapon involved had been a pair of scissors, which Reinosa had used to cut two "bullet holes" in the shoulder of his shirt. He has admitted to filing a false report, though without explaining his thought processes. He has been relieved of duty, at least temporarily.

Angel Reinosa = Insane galore!
 

In a rash of thefts in Florida's Brevard County, someone broke into back yards, slashed patio screens, etc. to liberate swimming-pool floats. Many home-owners didn't report this until the second or third incident, but 13 police reports still piled up before the police managed to stop a "suspicious person" who was cycling through the theft-stricken area with a large white bin bag – full of deflated pool floats. The man, 35-year-old Christopher William Monnin, took officers to a vacant house to show them the other 75 pool floats in his collection, and he explained that "he sexually gratifies himself with the pool floats instead of raping women", in the words of the arrest report.

Christopher William Monnin = When in shit, "Mr Pool Criminal"
 

Doing a favour for a friend, a man in Crestville, Florida, let Matthew Morrison live in a tent next to his house. This made it fairly easy for Morrison, 44, to enter the home without permission and throw lit firecrackers under the bed of a sleeping nine-year-old girl. The results include a crying, shaking girl; the homeowner chasing Morrison out the door with a stick; and a visit from Sheriff's Lieutenant Todd Watkins, who said that the reason for the "prank" was unclear. It's possible, however, that the methamphetamine in his possession influenced his sense of humour. In any case, he had to find a new place to pitch his tent.

Matthew Morrison = A tormentor's whim...
 

About 11 years ago, Sherri Renee Telnas reported having tried to drown 10-month-old son Jackson in a river because "thoughts or voices" had told her to do so. Under a plea bargain, she was placed in a state psychiatric hospital, from which she was released after less than a year. She was granted custody of Jackson in 2010 and soon reunited with his father. Then, some years later, the police received a report that Telnas was acting strangely and had taken Jackson and his younger brother out into some fields in Porterville, California. The two boys were found in a drainage ditch. Jackson did drown this time, though his brother survived.

Sherri Telnas = Hitler's saner!
 

Not long after deported illegal alien Larry Ely Murillo-Moncada made his way back to Council Bluffs, Iowa, from Honduras, his parents contacted the authorities. They explained that, perhaps because of a reaction to his medicine, he had walked out of their house mid-argument and vanished in a snowstorm. According to Police Sergeant Brandon Danielson, the 25-year-old man left with "no shoes, no socks, no keys, no car" back in 2009. We now know where he went.

    Though not scheduled for a shift, he headed for the No Frills Supermarket where he worked, apparently aiming for the unofficial break area on top of the cooling units. Officials believe that Murillo-Moncada fell into the 45 cm gap between the wall and a cooler, which was where renovation workers found his corpse in 2019. It is believed that compressor noise would have drowned out any cries for help.

Larry E. Murillo-Moncada = “Dear all: May I run 'Mr Cool'?”
 

Michael Grief's 78-year-old grandmother was displeased upon learning that, using her debit card, he had apparently overdrawn her bank account by $1,000. During the ensuing argument at their Sayville, New York, home, she became frightened and left to seek neighbours' assistance. According to the Suffolk County district attorney's office, the 30-year-old Grief followed her and jammed his fingers in her eyes until they ruptured. A neighbour found her sobbing on the doorstep.

    District Attorney Timothy Sini said that, when confronted with the fact that he had gouged his grandmother's eyes out, Grief said "So?" and shrugged his shoulders. He faces one count of first-degree assault and two of second-degree assault.

Michael Grief = Charge 'im! Life!
 

One of the hazards of employment in Hazard, Kentucky, became clear to Jason Fields after his manager, Sharon Lindon, found out that he was going through a divorce. Fields alleges that she told him he'd have to be "cleansed" of demons if he wanted to continue working as Hampton Inn front-desk staff. This involved completing a questionnaire about his sexual habits and religious matters, as a precursor to an exorcism.

    Fields says that, when he refused to comply, Lindon changed his shift assignments and began having people from her religious ministry pray for him in front of guests while he was working. He quit the job and is suing Lindon and the hotel chain.

Sharon Lindon = Inn has no Lord!
 

Settlement arrangements are in progress in the case of a 33-year-old former Oklahoma inmate who suffered a 91-hour erection while in the Pittsburg County jail. Dustin Lance, who sued the current sheriff, the previous sheriff, the county, and various others for $5 million, contends that jailors' failure to procure prompt medical attention for his painful erection has permanently harmed him. The defendants counter that treatment was timely but that multiple facilities had to be consulted before medics could alleviate the erection, which had been caused by a pill provided by another inmate.

Dustin Lance = Ascend until...?
 

Joshua Hillyard = His jury had a LOL.

The background:
Arizona's Joshua Louis Hillyard, 28, was a mentor and role model in an outreach programme for teenagers. He sent photos of his tattoo to a participant in the programme, a 16-year-old girl who proved less than thrilled to see images of Hillyard's "Fun Size" penis and to read the accompanying messages.

    Hillyard reportedly told the Cottonwood police that, although he knew the girl's age, he'd believed the state's age of consent to be 16 "because that is the law in Montana", where he had been placed on probation for burglary, fraud, and sale of dangerous drugs. He has been detained for "furnishing harmful materials to a minor".

Loud, harshly: "Jail!  ~  Joshua L. Hillyard!"
 

A female motorist in Florida reported that a man walking along the motorway near Key Largo had begun masturbating as she drove past him. When officers found 20-year-old Amado Enrique Guare in the car park of an adult bookshop nearby, he stated that, although he'd been on his way to buy a porn video, he'd become "impatient" upon seeing the woman.

    According to Adam Linhardt, spokesman for the Monroe County sheriff's office, Guare has been jailed for indecent exposure and possession of marijuana and drug paraphernalia.

Amado Enrique Guare
= A quagmire, a rude one.
= Unique game or a dare?
= Queer aim, and a rogue
 

In November 2012, a laid-back outdoor meeting of the Madeira Beach, Florida, City Commission took a darker turn when member Nancy Oakley accused colleagues Shane Crawford and Cheryl McGrady of engaging in an extramarital affair (they are now married). It is alleged that, just after the meeting, she approached Crawford and slowly licked from his neck up the side of his face, also grabbing his crotch and drunkenly attempting to punch McGrady. In 2017, when Oakley stood for re-election, Crawford filed a complaint with the state ethics commission.

    The ethics board have unanimously upheld the complaint, with administrative law judge Robert Cohen writing that "licking a person on the face and neck is too unusual to be contrived by multiple witnesses and multiple [four] victims", although, as McGrady told investigators, "everyone kind of talked about the fact that she licked people – that's what she did when she got drunk".

    About a week later, Oakley resigned, stating that, though innocent, she wished to put the controversy in this town of about 4,500 to rest.

Florida's Nancy Oakley
= Anyone for a lady's lick?
= Fear a licky loony's DNA.
= Er, lick of a lady annoys.
 

A woman in Lexington County, South Carolina, decided to carry a bottle of various suspicious-looking pills in her handbag while paying her first check-in visit to her parole officer. This did not escape the attention of the officer, who then spotted drugs in her car.

    A search warrant was soon issued. Surely enough, Tina Catherine Dent, 54, whose probation was for a drugs violation, had what the sheriff's office later described as "a car full of drugs" – amphetamine, cocaine, crack, meth, and "other unidentified pills" – along with materials used to package them for sale. She faces a bevy of charges.

Tina Catherine Dent
= Can't hide? Entertain!
= In "Detain the car!" net
 

Jeremy Davis is a 25-year-old man whom Columbus, Ohio, police revived after an apparent drugs overdose. While paramedics were looking him over and police officers were checking whether there were any warrants for his arrest, Davis sprinted from the ambulance and drove off with an unattended police car that had been idling nearby. The car was found crashed about 3 km away, with Davis nowhere to be seen.

Ohio's Jeremy Davis = Oh, massive joyride!
 

In 2016, a 71-year-old Seguin, Texas, woman fell in her bedroom, where she lay for a few days in agony before dying. The twist to this story is that she did not live alone. Her decaying remains were relatively recently discovered during a Child Protective Services investigation at the home, which she shared with her 47-year-old daughter, Delissa Navonne Crayton. Crayton has been arrested, with one of the charges being injury to her own daughter, a disabled teenager who'd had to live in the home while her grandmother died and decomposed there. The girl has been placed in the care of other relatives.

Delissa Crayton = So sad, certainly
 

Highway patrol officers noticed a Cadillac moving between lanes on a Florida motorway at speeds of up to 160 km/h. Also hard to miss was the posture of the man in charge of the car – sitting atop the sunroof. When arrested for the misdemeanour offence of reckless driving, 70-year-old Leonard Olsen said: "My wife treats me like a servant [...]. I'd rather go to jail than go back home." While he has his wish for the moment, Olsen explained that his actions weren't that reckless – the vehicle had been on cruise control, and "the car drives itself and has a gigantic computer in it".

Leonard Olsen = Roll one sedan
Leonard Olsen = Sooner end all...
 

Free on bond while awaiting charges for shooting into a carful of people at a petrol station, South Carolina's Donald Harmon was noticed driving his moped the wrong way through a drugs checkpoint. The ensuing low-speed chase ended shortly after Harmon, 32, crashed the moped and fled on foot. He remembered to toss away the bag of drugs he was carrying but not his gun.

    Bond was set for him as charges were prepared, for possessing a weapon with an obliterated serial number, being near a school with marijuana he planned to distribute, and driving under suspension.

Donald Harmon = Land had moron
 

Four years prior to the events described here, a student reported having been removed from Missouri teaching assistant Deonte Taylor's classroom thrice to fellate Taylor. The detective assigned to the case was reassigned, and the case languished until DNA evidence finally led to the 36-year-old Taylor being jailed in November, after he passed various background checks and received his teaching certificate.

    In February, an inmate soon due for release reported that Taylor had asked him to kill the boy, 10 at the time of writing, and his mother. Taylor's boyfriend, 66-year-old Michael Johnson, allegedly made a payment for the hit, so he too faces charges.

Deonte Taylor = To ten-year-old, ...
Need a tool? Try ~ Deonte Taylor.
 

It says something that the events in the next story may not seem particularly unusual. After a traffic stop, 21-year-old Morgan Doran, of Netcong, New Jersey, was arrested for driving while intoxicated. At the police station, she rang friend Sebastian Rehm and asked him to collect her. Sure enough, aromas of alcohol filled the air upon his arrival at the station, and Rehm, 24, was arrested for drink-driving. The driver who ultimately arrived to take them both home was either sober or better at appearing sober.

Morgan Doran = A grand moron
 

A groundskeeper in Pasco Country, Florida, rang the cops to report some young women at his roadside rest and service area: "All three of them are standing in the nude, putting on suntan lotion." While explaining to the responding state trooper that they were simply "air drying" after a shower, the trio drove off. Troopers thought no more of it until someone else rang. The issue this time was reckless driving on the wrong side of the road. A tracking dart fired at the women's vehicle led officers to a convenience store's car park, where a trooper proceeded to apprehend one of the three, who was having trouble making it back into the vehicle.

    One of her cohorts, 18-year-old Oasis McLeod, came to her aid by driving at the trooper, while the other young lady took action on foot, swinging a metal bat, before all three miscreants were on the road again. In the end, tyre-deflation strips and Tasers were deployed for taking the driver; Jeniyah McLeod, 19; and Cecilia Young, 19, into custody. Several troopers reported receiving minor injuries.

Oasis McLeod = Ms Cool Ideas
 

His wife may have been unhappy to hear where Los Angeles news anchor Christopher Burrous died – in a Days Inn hotel room with a male sexual companion – but she might be even less pleased now that she knows the cause of death: a methamphetamine overdose caused by two "rocks" of meth placed in his rectum. According to the autopsy report, Burrous's companion followed these two ministrations with some amyl nitrate, beginning to worry only when the masked Burrous's vomiting and grunting gave way to unresponsiveness. After trying to administer CPR, he summoned medical personnel, who pronounced Burrous dead.

Christopher Burrous = Pursue horrors, bitch!
 

Nydia Carrillo-Maldonado, the owner of Connecticut's Little Bears Beginnings Daycare, rang 911 to report that two-month-old charge Bella Redondo wasn't breathing properly. The child later died in hospital of blunt-force trauma to the head, with Stamford Police Lieutenant Diedrich Hohn stating that police believe the baby's death from two skull fractures was intentional. Before the 911 call, Carrillo-Maldonado had placed three phone calls to Bella's mother, the first of them three full hours before summoning help. In a statement read in court, the mother said: "I heard her screams in the background [....] while you sat there for hours without doing anything to help her."

    Carrillo-Maldonado's legal pleas changed a few times in the 2.5 years since the homicide, but at no time has she apologised or mentioned feeling remorse. She has been sentenced to 3.5 years in prison.

Nydia Carrillo-Maldonado
= A moron lady: "Lord, I can dial!"
 

The report on why California's Brian David Boyack, 43, was thrown in jail explains that he and his family, whom he was visiting in Utah, "were out in the hot tub having a good time when a conversation began regarding big corporations and essentially conspiracy theories". When Boyack began collecting his belongings to leave, the homeowner locked him out of the house, explaining that Boyack was not fit to drive. The door reopened once Boyack started whacking patio furniture against the side of the building. At this point, Boyack bit a large chunk from the top of the man's ear, then drove away.

    He later turned himself in, with the explanation that "I've done something horrible but I don't want to answer questions". He nonetheless faces questions related to mayhem, criminal mischief, intoxication, and domestic violence in the presence of children.

Brian David Boyack  =  Kinda crabby – avoid!
 

Marissa Tietsort, 28, is a Wisconsin child-minder who decided to keep her young charges' mother from discovering that one of them had died under her care. Allegedly, Tietsort dressed the relevant infant in winter clothes and took the corpse and other children to McDonald's before the mother collected her kids. Upon recognising that the two-month-old baby wasn't merely sleeping, the mother contacted the authorities. An autopsy revealed that he had died of multiple-impact blunt-force trauma to the head.

    The next day, Tietsort was found at a hotel with her boyfriend and was arrested – on a child-abuse charge from a few months earlier: the contention was that she had injured an 11-month-old girl's face, while Tietsort maintained that the girl had toppled from a sofa. No charges were filed in connection with an earlier case, in which a baby suffered skull fractures that Tietsort claimed came from children fighting over a bottle.

    She is being charged with intentional homicide for the latest incident, and a judge has released her on a $500,000 cash bond on condition that she not have contact with children. Tietsort was pregnant with her sixth child at the time of reporting.

Marissa Tietsort = I am stories' start.
 

From 2018

Rye Daniel Wardlaw rang the emergency services at about 4am to report that he was "stuck" in an escape-room business in Vancouver, Oregon. He claimed that he had headed there in a panic when someone started breaking into his house – "an old folks' home" – but it was Wardlaw himself who was doing the burgling, after having found some keys in a lockbox near the business.

    Wardlaw eventually found his way out of NW Escape Experience, shortly before responding officers with the Clark County Sheriff's Office saw him in the vicinity. The 40-year-old homeless man, who initially denied having been anywhere near the escape-room business, is being charged with second-degree burglary – he took a beer from the business's fridge, a television remote control, and the mobile phone he had used to ring 911.

Rye Daniel Wardlaw = Wildly wander area
 

Peter Barclay is a Virginia man who was involved in some hardcore mediaeval re-enactment – an equestrian competition to put one's lance through a paper plate on the ground. According to John Fulton, a representative of the event organiser, Barclay's metal-tipped lance flipped upon hitting the ground and flew back upward, into the 53-year-old lancer's chest. Barclay died while being airlifted to hospital: "Master Terafan Greydragon" is no more.

Terafan Greydragon = Tag "Yearn for danger?"
 

Montana's Samantha Ray Mears is accused of lying in wait behind her ex-boyfriend's bedroom door with a machete until he returned home, then ordering him to undress and engage in sex with her. He later stated that he complied, apart from a pause during which Mears, still holding the machete while sitting atop him, bit him on the arm and bade him continue. An argument broke out as soon as the sex act was complete. The altercation ended with the arrival of the Great Falls police, whom the ex-boyfriend had summoned when stepping away for a moment to ring "Doug".

    Mears, 19, had had a seven-year relationship with the man, during which she accumulated various charges of assaulting him. In her version of events leading up to the incident described above, she claims that he kidnapped her and then gave her a machete for self-defence.

Samantha Mears = Harass man-meat
 

When Constantin Reliu's immigration papers expired, he was deported back to Romania from Turkey, where he had spent several years as a chef. Upon returning home, the 63-year-old man found that he had been declared dead in 2016, since several years had passed since his wife last heard from him. A court in Vaslui has ruled that too much time has passed for an appeal to have the government-issued death certificate cancelled.

Constantin Reliu = On list, uncertain
 

According to Britain's Birmingham Mail, a man watching a film at the Star City entertainment complex's Vue Cinema dropped his mobile phone. The noteworthy part is what happened when he bent down to retrieve the device, which had fallen between two reclining Gold Class seats: the electronic foot rest of one of them lowered onto his head. His partner and then cinema staff attempted to free the panicking man. Rescuers eventually broke the foot rest free, but his troubles weren't over. He had gone into cardiac arrest and died in hospital a week later. Birmingham City Council are performing a health and safety investigation.

The Gold Class seat = Death's legal costs...
 

Utah's Jason Dee Maughn is accused of ending an argument with a choice. Maughn, 45, allegedly told the other man, who was handcuffed to a chair at the time, to decide whether to be killed out in the desert or have a nail punched through his penis. The following day, Maughn's opponent went to the hospital to be treated for genital injuries sustained via a tool resembling an ice pick. Maughn has been charged with sexual assault and kidnapping in conjunction with domestic violence.

Ah, one man's judge:
Jason Dee Maughn
 

Michael Taylor Pinkham visited the police in Nova Scotia in hopes of securing the release of a friend who was in police custody. Officers with the Antigonish detachment recognised that Pinkham, 27, was heavily intoxicated and determined that he had driven to the station. Furthermore, Pinkham had been ordered by a court not to consume alcohol. The net result of his venture is -1 people being released from custody.

Michael T. Pinkham = Him, thick? Amen, pal.
 

Monthly audits of phone calls to the emergency number in Texas revealed an unusually large number of short calls. It emerged that operator Crenshanda Williams, 44, had racked up thousands of under-20-second calls in her 1.5 years as a Houston 911 dispatcher, by hanging up on callers. In one case, involving a report of a robbery in which a shop-owner was killed, Williams was heard to sigh before ending the call.

    As for the other side of the story, her attorney, Franklin Bynum, explained that she was "going through a hard time in her life". Williams has been sentenced to 10 days in jail and 18 months of probation.

Crenshanda Williams
= Mrs "Calls? I wanna hide!"
= Law: "And she's criminal."
 

A team of doctors at Russia's Ulyanovsk Hospital face prosecution for botching the final stages of an operation to remove an ovarian cyst. The doctors, led by senior physician Vladimir Demin, administered formaldehyde instead of saline solution. They then attempted to rectify the blunder by introducing 10 litres of saline solution to the patient's abdomen. When her condition worsened, 28-year-old Yekaterina Fedyaeva was taken to a hospital in Moscow for more advanced treatment. She woke from her coma briefly but ultimately ended up in need of further formaldehyde.

Vladimir Demin = I am Dr Evil, mind.
 

Police officer Curtis Lee Arganbright, 41, made an unscheduled stop while fulfilling his duty of driving a woman back from a medical facility late at night: a dark alley, where he forced her to engage in sex acts atop his car while handcuffed. After acknowledging his guilt in response to the 36-year-old victim's testimony, he was sentenced to 90 days in jail and four years of probation.

Curtis Lee Arganbright ~ can grab the girl... & rues it.
And a bit of an anti-gram:
Curtis Lee Arganbright = Saluting bright career
 

Here's what transpired in Florida after 37-year-old Shanetta Yvette Wilson broke wind while in the payment queue at a Dollar General shop. According to a Broward County Sheriff's Office report, a customer near her in the queue complained about the loud fart, whereupon an argument ensued, which escalated to Wilson producing a small folding knife from her handbag and telling the fart-averse man that she would gut him. Wilson has been charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon without intent to kill.

Anal tones? Why, it's ~ Shanetta Y. Wilson!

Shanetta Yvette Wilson
= They want SOS. "Ventilate!"
= A whistley vent – no taste!
 

A 69-year old Dutch man who didn't like being 69 decided to do something about it: change his birth date. Pointing out the parallels to legally changing one's name or gender, Emile Ratelband explained that he is already a "young god" but that if officially 49 years old he could be readily approved for loans and find more work as "the best European speaker". Along with side-stepping age-based discrimination, he cited potential advantages on the dating scene (where, according to his Web site, he is "in a steady relationship with the woman of his dreams").

    Ratelband agreed to forgo his old-age pension once officials amend his age on official documents. He chose to sue his local authority for refusing to do so despite assurance from his physician that he has the body of a 45-year-old.

    His lawyer, Jan-Hein Kuijpers, was looking forward to the ruling, stating that it's high time for the reversal of age. That said, he added in his comments in court: "There is also something like common sense, of course."

Emile Ratelband = Dire, lamentable
Emile Albert Rudolf Ratelband = Bold, I'll alter a date-ref. number
 

For perpetrating more than nine years of fajita thievery, Texas's Gilberto Escamilla has been sentenced to 50 years in prison. The scale of the sentence is intended to match the scale of the crime: he stole over a million euros' worth of fajitas in this time, ordering them through the county juvenile detention centre where he works but delivering them to his own customers. The scheme – which he told the court had "spun out of control" – came to light when the 53-year-old Escamilla had a sick day: co-workers were puzzled when a 360-kilo fajita delivery arrived, since the centre doesn't serve fajitas.

Gilberto Escamilla = Local miserable git
Gilberto Escamilla = It's come: a large bill!
 

When workers at a New York City café opened a freezer, a man jumped out and shouted "Away from me, Satan!", then grabbed a knife and went on the offensive. As soon as the workers had wrested the blade from him, he dropped dead of a heart attack.

    The staff of Sarabeth's Restaurant now know who it was hiding in their cold case: 54-year-old Carlton Henderson, linked to a 1988 double murder. Four days before the freezer incident, he had been released on bail in Boston, after the granting of his attorney's motion to suppress evidence from the police cold-case team.

Carlton Henderson = Coroners lent hand.
 

Quite a few men were enticed by online adverts from a women seeking no-strings-attached sex. Arriving at her Homestead, Florida, home, they were greeted by a cross-dressing 33-year-old man. This is pornographer Bryan Deneumostier, whose latest project is "StraightBoyz", a pay site that offers videos of straight men being tricked into performing gay sex acts while blindfolded or wearing dark goggles. At least 80 of the 150-plus men who feature in the videos were unaware that they were being recorded. Some men did ask whether the acts were being videoed, whereupon Deneumostier assured them that "she" wouldn't do that, since her husband is in the Army.

    Plea-bargaining, he has stated that he is guilty of two counts of illegal interception of oral communications. But Deneumostier still has other legal woes to contend with. He is accused of having sex with a boy under the age of consent at a hotel, for isntance.

Bryan Deneumostie
= Er, anyone's bum tired?
= Unmarried teen boys...?
= Inane bum-destroyer!
For a transpondian variant, try   Into bum (rear end), yes?

And the name he posed with gives us this:
Susan Leon = Sensual? No!
 

A woman driving through a Harris County, Texas, car wash heard a noise and noticed a crack in her car window. Later, her bleeding arm helped her realise that a rock had not been responsible, so she contacted the police. They identified the owner of the late-'90s green Ford Explorer that had been alongside her car, local resident Nicholas D'Agostino, who stated that he had shot her in self-defence because she'd swerved into his lane.

    A few months earlier, a woman in the same locale had reported getting shot in the arm from the direction of a dark green older-model SUV while leaving a petrol station. In that case too, D'Agostino had appealed to self-defence.

    According to court records, D'Agostino, who has admitted to "doing it before – maybe five times", has posted various diatribes online about females being incompetent drivers and ranted that women should stick to their sole purpose: "to give birth to male children". His attorney argues that the authorities can't be sure that D'Agostino hates women, and he says that his client needs psychological help.

Nicholas D'Agostino = I can do gal-shootins'
 

A woman in Aurora, Colorado, withdrew a complaint about domestic violence, explaining that she and her boyfriend had exchanged only harsh words, not physical blows. The woman, 49-year-old Janette Solano, added that she was leaving him merely because he'd kept pressuring her to again have sex with the dog.

    An investigation followed, in which officers found the trailer in the couple's backyard where the now ex-boyfriend, Frederick Manzanares, had built a padded bench to facilitate sexual congress with the dog, Bubba. They also found videos that Manzanares, 51, had recorded of his hormone-spray-enhanced trysts with Bubba. The dog was taken to an animal shelter, and the couple too are in the care of the authorities.

Frederick Manzanares  =  Mr Insane – crazed freak
"F*** canines!" remark razed ~ Frederick Manzanares.
 

Hastings, Michigan, police officer Cleon Brown is upset about the results from DNA testing he received through an ancestry.com service. The results in question are his colleagues' responses to the revelation that he is "18-33% sub-Saharan African". Brown, who is white, says that he was upset by racial taunts such as colleagues whispering "Black Lives Matter" in his presence. He described responding "I cannot believe you just called me that" after the police chief addressed him as Kunta.

    He sued the city for $500,000 on account of this "straight-up racism" and was placed on paid administrative leave until 31 October. City officials, who argued that Brown himself had taken part in the jokes (e.g., "the 18% is all in my pants"), stated that it has chosen to have insurers pay out a $65,000 settlement merely to avoid further disruption.

Sergeant Cleon Brown = 'Net lab: "Cornrows gene!"
Or   Police sergeant Clean Brown = 'Net: "I label cop's cornrow gene"
 

A man walked into a Huntington Bank branch in Columbus, Ohio, and handed the teller a hold-up note. Deeming the stack of money she then passed to him insufficient, the 51-year-old robber demanded more, from the "electronic cash recycle" machine in the lobby. The teller explained that the system requires a driver's licence before it will dispense cash, whereupon he handed over his driving licence. David Menser left with the additional loot he desired, and the police later tracked him down and arrested him.

Admonish some driver:   Ohio's Mr David Menser
 

After spending the night at his father's Indiana home, eight-year-old Curtis Collman III woke early and ate some breakfast cereal that had been left out on a plate. But it wasn't for him, and it wasn't cereal. He soon fell ill, and Curtis Collman II summoned a female friend to help. He wouldn't let her help by ringing 911, however – because the boy had consumed his drug stash.

    Allegedly, he instead pointed a handgun at her and took the boy to his own parents' home, where a family friend ended up summoning an ambulance. Jackson County Detective Tom Barker reported that the child died in hospital with 18,000 ng/ml of methamphetamine in his bloodstream (more than 100 times the accepted lethal dose).

    In addition to "neglect of a dependent causing death", drugs offences, and brandishing the gun, the surviving Collman, 41, is being charged with theft and failure to register as a sex offender.

Curtis Collman = Act culls minor
Also   Curtis Collman ~ mulls narcotic.
 

Authorities heard yelling from within a supermarket near the scene of a bank robbery they were investigating in Dover, New Hampshire. Entering said supermarket, they spotted a man's legs dangling above the seafood and deli area. The legs withdrew while officers were clearing the premises, and then their owner fell partially through the suspended ceiling above the refrigerated meats.

    Once officers had coaxed 30-year-old Eric Lombardi down, he explained that he'd panicked when seeing police cruisers, since he was on bail in another town. Lombardi has been charged with criminal mischief, trespassing, and resisting arrest. And the bank robber was arrested later in the day.

Eric Lombardi ~ climbed air, or...
Eric Lombardi = ID real crimbo
 

Whitney Leigh McWhite and her ex were having words about her sport utility vehicle's car radio in the Greer, South Carolina, Walmart's car park. He decided to find his own way home so opened the back of the SUV to remove his bags. At least five onlookers saw her clobber him in the head with a tyre iron and pack him into the boot, where he probably couldn't hear the radio, let alone touch its controls, as she drove off. McWhite hadn't made it far before the police stopped her. She helped to free her ex but maintained that no physical assault had taken place.

    Among the charges against her are kidnapping, driving under a suspended licence, and attaching a licence plate to the wrong vehicle.

Whitney Leigh McWhite in SC:
He winces, "Lying witch hit me!"
 

Eric Stagno entered a gym in Plaistow, New Hampshire, and started performing exercises on a yoga mat. He was soon arrested, because of stripping off all his clothes first. The 34-year-old Haverhill, Massachusetts, man objected to his arrest, explaining to officers that the Planet Fitness facility in question is signposted as a "Judgement Free Zone". Stagno has been charged with indecent exposure, lewdness, and disorderly conduct. It is unclear whether his yoga moves were particularly disorderly.

Eric Stagno = Go scantier!
 

In the town of Clearwater, Florida, 67-year-old Colin Lee Showard was engaged in an argument with girlfriend Crystal Grimes, who was in his car. To prevent her from driving off without at least hearing him out, he got into a forklift truck and pinned the car against a bus. Grimes suffered a back injury, and Showard faces a charge of aggravated battery.

Colin Lee Showard = No weird locals, eh?
 

Florida man Earle Stevens Jr. knew that drinking while driving is a no-no. So why did he hit the vehicle in front of him at a Vero Beach McDonald's drive-through several times, thereby prompting its driver to summon the police? The 69-year-old Stevens explained to officers that he hadn't been drinking from his brown-paper-bagged bottle of Jim Beam bourbon while driving. According to his arrest report, he explained that he took a swig "only when he stopped for stop signs and traffic signals" on his journey of 65+ kilometres. Although he felt "pretty good", Stevens failed field sobriety tests and a breath test. He has been arrested, but there is no risk of his driving licence being revoked. He doesn't have one.

Mr Earle Stevens Junior, a man in Vero Beach, Florida
= "I travel around on non-safe Jim Beam liver research."
 

In human-waste-related news, New Jersey police now know the identity of the "mystery pooper" who had been depositing a fresh gift of human faeces daily on the Holmdel High School sports ground. School staff monitoring the area caught the culprit brown-handed: Thomas Tramaglini, the 42-year-old superintendent of a rival school district. The board of that school district announced that, "given the nature of those charges, he asked for and was granted a paid leave of absence".

Thomas Tramaglini = Tag him "a mortal sin"
 

In St Petersburg, Florida, a woman sent a co-worker the text message "you're going down". The sender, 25-year-old Ambrisha Costin, also showed other co-workers some photos she had taken of this work rival sitting on the toilet. Costin herself may well be going down; she faces a charge of committing felony-level voyeurism.

Ambrisha Costin
= Masochist brain
= Ambitions crash
= ...Or bitch's manias...

Ambrisha Costin ~ is shitcam baron.
 

The police in Belfast, Maine, report on 27-year-old Brian Fogg, who ended up in a ditch while trying to negotiate a home's long, winding driveway after dropping off a friend. When police officer Lew Dyer IV came upon Fogg in the vehicle, he decided that a breathalyser test was in order. Fogg would have none of it, so he punched himself in the face three times. According to Sergeant Matthew Cook, this rendered the test impossible because blood in the mouth can lead to inaccurate readings. Officers tended to Fogg's injuries and then charged him with driving under the influence, falsifying physical evidence, and criminal mischief.

Brian Fogg = Go barfing.
 

Doctors at a hospital in Nairobi were hours into a surgery for a blood clot on a man's brain when they realised that they were working on the wrong brain. The man on the operating table at Kenyatta National Hospital had no blood clot. He is recovering, regulators are reeling, four staff have been suspended, and personnel from nurses to the facility's CEO have resigned. As for the person with the blood clot, his condition reportedly has improved enough that he might not need to undergo surgery.

    A little over a month before, Kenya's health minister ordered an investigation into claims of sexual harassment of women who had just given birth at the hospital. Also, a woman managed to kidnap a baby there last month, though the child was recovered a day later.

Kenyatta National Hospital = A shot at "annoy/kill a patient"
A lethal/instant pain okay to ~ Kenyatta National Hospital
 

Virginia's Fairfax County Police posted dashcam footage online that shows a car hitting its erstwhile driver. The driver, Isaac Bonsu, 30, had been pulled over by the police but then driven off. As officers closed in, he decided to flee on foot. The video shows him stopping the car, running in a path that took him in front of his vehicle, getting struck by it, and dashing off. He was soon apprehended and charged with third-offence driving while intoxicated, hit and run, illegal window tinting, and other crimes.

Isaac Bonsu = So, usin' a cab ...?
 

From 2017

Local, state, and federal authorities are investigating a music specialist who visited various California schools in connection with the Flutes Across the World programme. In the programme, children learn to play the flute, decorate a bamboo or PVC pipe flute to be given to a "flute friend in another part of the world", and receive their own flute. Flutes are distributed with hand-written notes from the maker inside, but some were found to contain something else – several school districts have warned that children have received flutes contaminated with the teacher's semen.

    Parents have been advised to "place the flute in a paper bag, not a plastic one", and ring the Santa Clarita Valley Sheriff's Station. According to Sheriff's Sergeant Mike Konecny, there have been "at least one or two calls" to pick up flutes.

Flutes across the World   So flowcharts resulted.
 

When children next door once again kicked a football into the garden of Kelly Machin's home in Leicester, she burst the ball before throwing it back over the fence. This led to Natalie Bollen, the children's 28-year-old mother, paying Machin a visit. Bollen was accompanied by her father, 48-year-old William Jelly, who began punching Machin in the face. She also suffered several broken ribs in the pair's attack. Machin, 34, rang the emergency services while her neighbours were still in the house, and she soon was conveyed to hospital. However, two weeks after her release, a friend found Machin dead on her sofa, from internal bleeding that had gone undetected.

    Bollen and Jelly have been found guilty of manslaughter, partially thanks to text messages that Bollen sent, such as "I went in my neighbour's house and bettered her, cracked her ribs, for bursting kids' ball, lol."

Kelly Machin = My chalk line...

Natalie Bollen, ~  in one ball tale
 

Sean Haller is a 39-year-old man who had probably been told many times that it isn't healthy to drink alone, or perhaps he just wanted company. Either way, this Stewartstown, Pennsylvania, man dragged two 12-packs of beer into a woman's home and sat down. He refused to leave, doing so only unwillingly when the woman had the police come calling. The intoxicated Hall was thrown in the county jail to await charges such as criminal trespass. Officers reported that he had paid a similar visit to another woman's home earlier in the day.

Sean Haller = Hell, an arse!
 

Mobile phones are not allowed at Pittsburgh King PreK-8 School. When a teacher had trouble confiscating one, colleague 46-year-old Janice Watkins stepped in. Its user, probably age 10 or 11, responded by biting Watkins, so, per procedure, school officials called the girl's mother, 29-year-old Dai'Shonta Williams, who, never doubting her daughter's assertion that Watkins had choked her, promised consequences.

    While Watkins was waiting in traffic later, a woman allegedly threw a brick through her open car window and dragged her onto the road for a beating. The woman and her companion left the scene, and Watkins was taken to hospital. Williams, who later admitted to beating Watkins, explained that the school police hadn't taken appropriate action on the choking claim. Various charges are pending.

Dai'Shonta Williams
= A wild animal, so hits
= Admonish: "ill awaits!"
 

Florida's Pensacola News Journal reports on 64-year-old Veronica Green Posey, who was summoned by two parents to help control their nine-year-old daughter, Dericka Lindsay. After corporal punishment proved unsuccessful, Posey, who is Lindsay's cousin, took another tack. She later explained to sheriff's officers that she had been sitting on Lindsay (for about 10 minutes) when the girl told the adults that she couldn't breathe. A couple minutes later, the 150-kilo Posey stood up and discovered that Lindsay wasn't breathing, so she rang 911. It was too late.

    Posey was charged with homicide and cruelty toward a child, while parents Grace Joan Smith, 69, and James Edmund Smith, 62, face charges of child neglect.

Veronica G. Posey = Porcine voyages
 

In the Indian state of Telangana, Swati Reddy ditched her husband in favour of lover Rajesh Ajjakolu. This involved pouring acid in Ajjakolu's face, then passing him off as Reddy's husband, Sudhakar. The post-swap look was attributed to reconstructive surgery.

    Sudhakar could hardly complain, as Swati and Ajjakolu had killed him in advance of the switch. His parents fell for the con and paid Ajjakolu's hospital bills (the equivalent of 7,000 euros), but the dead man's brother was wary. He contacted the police for a fingerprint check. According to the cops, Swati has been arrested and confessed to participating in her husband's murder, while Ajjakolu is to be arrested once his facial burns have been fully treated.

Swati Reddy = Tawdry side
Swati Reddy = Did we stray?
 

Celina Dally and a friend attended a wine tasting at Louisiana's McNeese State University. Dally passed out while her friend was driving her home, so the concerned friend rang paramedics. When Dally, who is pursuing a degree in criminal justice, awoke in a jail cell, she was informed that she had been arrested for public drunkenness and assaulting a police officer who had attempted to help her. She later presented the man, Officer Guillory, with a giant frosted biscuit reading "Sorry I tried to bite you".

Celina Dally = All-nice lady!
 

Canadian model Catt Gallinger's boyfriend is a tattoo artist who decided to give her a present: a purple eyeball tattoo that she embraced as an expression of her personality and a way to "feel more at home in my body". Gallinger, 24, was soon expressing what looked like purple tears also. It turned out that residue was escaping from the sclera tattoo, so she was booked for surgery. After three hospital visits, she must come to terms with a lengthy recovery and the risk of corneal rupture. She has said that the end result of the 10-minute tattoo procedure, which involved undiluted ink, over-injection, and poor choice of injection sites, is a desire to have the eye permanently removed if that would put an end to the pain and blurred vision she is enduring.

The model Catt Gallinger = Glance melted a lot, right?
 

Joseph and Travis Dasilva are two US tourists in their thirties who face charges in Thailand for dropping their trousers in front of a Buddhist temple for a photo. The image they captured at Bangkok's Wat Arun netted them each an arrest at the airport and a fine worth about 150 euros for public indecency. District police chief Jaruphat Thongkomol said: "The two American citizens have admitted taking the picture", which featured on their Instagram page titled "traveling_butts". The page disappeared from view shortly after Thai authorities reported a fine being due in connection with a bared-buttocks photo at another Bangkok temple.

Travis and Joseph Dasilva = Odd-snap savers v. Thai jail.
Travis Dasilva = Sad viral vista
Joseph Dasilva = Ah, dopes vs. jail
 

In Iceland, Member of Parliament Eva Pandora Baldursdottir was scratched in the eye by her one-year-old daughter. Of the requirement that she wear an eye patch for the duration of the weekend, she stated that it "wouldn't be an issue if it wasn't for the fact that I'm going to a TV debate tonight". Baldursdottir, who represents the country's Pirate Party, did not report any plans to sever one of her legs before the next such appearance.

Eva Pandora Baldursdottir
= Standard pirate, loud "Bravo!"
 

The setting for one of those stories about losing a mobile phone that contains evidence of illegal activity is Krasnodar, Russia, where a road worker found a phone containing several images of locals Dmitry Baksheyev and Natalya Baksheyeva posing with the dismembered body of a woman they'd started arguing with during a drinking session. One picture shows off a cooked human head on a platter with mandarin oranges.

    The images prompted a raid on the couple's accommodation at the military academy where they worked. According to state news agency RIA Novosti, authorities found a bag of bodily remains, 19 samples of human skin, video lessons on cooking human meat, and jars of pickled human body parts. Baksheyeva told the authorities that there have been at least 30 victims over the past 18 years.

    The couple, who are thought to have attracted at least a few of their victims via online dating sites, may have sold some of the meat to others, such as those providing food for student pilots at the military academy. Restauranteur Vitaly Yakubenko told Komsomolskaya Pravda that Baksheyeva "kept asking everything about meat, whether I wanted to buy it cheaper".

A smorgasbord of anagrams, using various valid transliterations of the names:
Dmitry and Natalia Baksheyev ~ hid sneaky meat variant, badly.
Dmitry & Natalia Baksheev = Any vile dark meat habits?
Dmitry and Natalia Baksheev of Russia = Aviators: If man shank, surely a bad diet.

On the time they spent with their victims:
Dmitry & Natalya Baksheev = Talk & nab a very meaty dish.

According to a police report from New Albany, Indiana, 37-year-old Michelle Nelson sent husband Timothy to fetch doughnuts from a local shop. They didn't have the type she prefers, so he returned home empty-handed. This did not sit well with her: she opined that he should know what other types she likes, given their long-term relationship, and she emphasised her frustration by lunging at him with a grill fork. He ran from the building with the fork embedded in his chest. When the police arrived, a blood-soaked Timothy was applying pressure to the wound. He was taken to hospital, and Michelle was charged with aggravated battery.

An anti-gram:
Michelle Nelson = Slice men? Hell, no!
 

Silly men – e.g.,  ~  Lim Lye Seng

Singapore's Straits Times reports on Lim Lye Seng, 60, who is alleged to have sabotaged seats on public buses on at least four occasions over summer 2017. He is accused of sticking toothpicks in seats, three toothpicks each, with the pointier end up, so that commuters would prick themselves. Charged with four counts of mischief, he told the court that he plans to plead guilty and hire a lawyer. He could face a year or more in jail.
 

Responding to a complaint about an unresponsive person in a vehicle parked near a pond, police officers in Mahwah, New Jersey, found 74-year-old Richard Haskell sleeping in his car with a clear bottle of alcohol between his legs. He was awakened, failed a field sobriety test, and then was released to await a visit to court. When Haskell drove to the station a few hours later (just after noon) to see when his car would be released to him, he was greeted with a second sobriety test. He faces two charges of driving while intoxicated.

Might it be only a matter of time?
Harsh: Car killed  ~  Richard Haskell
 

If you're going to snort cocaine off a smooth, glassy surface, it might be best if that surface isn't the iPhone you're holding while in a public place. Christina Hester, a 39-year-old woman in Fort Myers, Florida, now knows this. That's because of her decision to use some of the drugs in her handbag while in the queue of parents waiting to collect their children at the end of the school day. The school's police resource officer saw this, and Hester was arrested.

Christina Hester = Cretin (share this!)

In re. trash ethics:   Christina Hester
 

Manchester, Connecticut, doctors detected unusually high lead levels in a nine-month-old baby's blood, which prompted local public-health authorities to investigate the cause. The girl had not eaten flakes of lead-based paint from windows in her home; the source was much more accessible to her. She had been using a homeopathic "healing bracelet" as designed, chewing on it to ease teething pain. Spacer beads in the bracelet, which her parents had bought at a local fair, were found to have a lead content of 17,000 parts per million, somewhat above the legal limit of 100 ppm. Efforts to locate the maker of the bracelet proved unsuccessful.

Healing bracelet = Begin lethal care
 

According to AP reports, Florida businessman Jose Lantigua and his wife told several people that he was suffering from "mad cow disease" and planned to travel to Venezuela for treatment. He indeed proceeded to visit Venezuela, where he obtained a fake death certificate, which his wife then helped him use to file insurance claims. The 63-year-old Lantigua was later caught in North Carolina when trying to apply for a passport under an assumed name.

    He has been sentenced to 14 years in prison, for charges that include bank fraud and identity theft, and his wife received five years of probation for her part in the illicit dealings.

Jose Lantigua = A jail guest, no?
A tongue jails ~ Jose Lantigua
 

Mississippi's Roger Logan lost about 60 kilos after doctors told him that he was overweight. This required quite a bit of effort: once physicians recognised that the problem with his belly was actually a tumour – one that reached the floor when Logan was seated – they deemed surgery too risky. Unlike the armchair-ridden Logan, his wife didn't take this news sitting down, and he was soon headed to a California operating room, with his armchair bolted to the floor of a cargo trailer.

    After completing the operation successfully, Dr Vipul Dev reported that the tumour probably began its life as an infected ingrown hair that started to develop its own blood supply more than a decade earlier.

Roger Logan = Go on, larger!
 

An accidental phone call to emergency services in Danville, Kentucky, meant that dispatchers learned the details in real time as Robert Bourne and David Grigsby discussed their plans to rob a barbecue restaurant.

    Inside Mike Sutherland's busy eatery, police chief Tony Gray soon pushed back his chair and entered the car park, where the two would-be robbers were sitting in a vehicle. The men were arrested only for public intoxication – Gray doesn't believe they had any concrete plans to go through with the robbery. Nonetheless, Sutherland has made clear that Bourne and Grigsby are now former regulars at his establishment.

Robert Bourne & David Grigsby = An absurd robbery...  Do get driving!

And, on his own,
Robert Bourne = No robber, true.
 

Pacheco Bustamante landed himself in trouble with the police. Driving a nearly police-issue-looking Ford Crown Victoria, he began sounding a siren and pulled a motorist onto the motorway shoulder in Florida. The vehicle he chose was driven by a detective, who was able to discern rather swiftly that the 46-year-old Bustamante wasn't a traffic cop and that Bustamante's "service weapon" was a BB gun. When busted, Bustamante mentioned that he has played traffic cop before.

Pacheco Bustamante  =  A beat cop's chum – neat!
Pacheco Bustamante = That anus "became" cop.
 

Responding to a bomb scare at Grande Prairie's Bell Tower Plaza shopping centre, at least eight Royal Canadian Mounted Police officers with long guns converged on the site, where the cause of alarm – a gas-mask-wearing man with what appeared to be explosives on his back – then entered Hoa Hugnh's shop. Hugnh was serving the armoured visitor when officers rang to request evacuation of the premises. They then descended and confronted the man, who turned out to be a costumed devotee of the video game Fallout. The "bomb" was a set of silver-painted Pringles tubes. Hugnh explained that said cosplayer had entered Lynn's Alterations simply to get measurements taken. The Alberta man responsible for the fuss was released from custody without criminal charges.

As the authorities converged on the scene...
Laser instantly on ~   Lynn's Alterations ~   in story Anna tells.
 

When Montana's Dr Gilbert Kalonde was applying for a state fishing licence, the Walmart worker handling the transaction asked him to state his profession. Kalonde responded by showing the worker his Montana State University identification card. When the licence was issued, it did not, hoewver, list him as "Assistant Professor of Technology Education"; his occupation had been recorded as toilet-cleaner.

    Describing this database entry as exposing him to "hatred, contempt, ridicule", Kalonde has filed a libel suit for unspecified damages in Gallatin County District Court.

Doctor Gilbert Kalonde = Broken-toilet gold card?
 

Gracie Henderson, from New Caney, Texas, didn't have a plunger when her toilet became clogged. Rather than resort to ringing a plumber, she tried to clear the blockage by hand. She hadn't removed her wristwatch first, though, and soon resorted to ringing the emergency services to report that it had caught on something in the bowels of the toilet. While her neighbours looked on and videoed the proceedings, firefighters removed the commode from its fixings and carried it outside. A little force from a sledgehammer then freed Henderson's arm.

Gracie Henderson = Goner's reached in...
Gracie Henderson ~ chose genre: "drain"
Gracie Henderson = Er, done searching?
 

Esthela Clark is a 47-year-old Florida woman who allegedly paid to have a woman smuggled into the US from Mexico to serve as a surrogate mother. Instead of the medically supervised procedure that the Mexican woman expected, she apparently received syringefuls of Clark's boyfriend's semen, collected from used condoms. She was fed a beans-only diet and forced to perform domestic chores while Clark waited for signs of pregnancy.

    Court documents state that, after these impregnation efforts failed, "Clark forced Y.L. to have sex with two complete strangers through threats of force and coercion". Two years after the woman entered the US, one of Clark's relatives intervened and the police became involved. Clark faces up to 20 years in prison.

Esthela Clark = Shackle alert
Esthela Clark = Take her calls!?

From 2016

Brandi Worley is a 30-year-old Indiana woman whose husband told her that he wanted a divorce. She didn't like the idea that he might end up with custody of her seven-year-old son and three-year-old daughter. She later summarised the resulting decision thus: "I did not want him taking them, so I stabbed them." As she told a 911 operator, she stabbed herself too, because she wanted to die with them. She survived; they did not.

Brandi Worley = Bile and worry
Brandi Worley = Worry? Blade in!
 

An administrative court in Bavaria banned 23-year-old German porn star "Natalie Hot" from moaning in her home in the small town of Ampfing. The ban came after neighbours complained that her "brothel which is hidden behind webcam activities" was disturbing the peace (it seems that her neighbours weren't mollified by her offer of holding a swingers' party for them).

    Responding to her question "everyone in the street can work from home, but it is forbidden for me to do so?", the court answered "yes", in part because she was running a "full business" from a residential property. She responded by stating that she'll be shooting her material elsewhere for the moment but has plans to take things further and then return. Her husband, Christian Lehle, described plans to print a full-sized nude photo of her on the family car.

Attain hole:   Natalie Hot
Natalie Hot = Oh, neat tail!
 

Thanks to a Freedom of Information Act request, we now know more about Colin Nathaniel Scott's college-graduation trip. While his sister Sable filmed him with her mobile phone, the 23-year-old Portland, Oregon, man tested the temperature of a thermal spring at Yellowstone National Park to ascertain whether it would make a good place for them to bathe (signs assure visitors that it would not). He stumbled and soon had his bath, in the boiling water of a highly acidic geyser. In the words of ranger Lorant Veress, "In very short order, there was a significant amount of dissolving". No remains remained on the following day.

Colin Nathaniel Scott ~ is in lethal contact, no?
Colin Nathaniel Scott = LOL at his innocent act.
Colin Nathaniel Scott = Clinch attention also
Colin Nathaniel Scott = "Hot!!" isn't cancellation
 

William Edwards left an Orlando strip club in the wee hours and got into his pickup truck. Bouncers there explain that they stepped in to try to stop him from driving, on account of his heavy drinking. The vehicle itself was more successful in this regard: when Edwards tried to drive away without having the door fully closed, he fell out, whereupon his truck ran over his leg. The Florida Highway Patrol reports that the 28-year-old Edwards fled the scene on foot while his pickup truck rolled off toward a ditch and then crashed into a nearby home, causing minor injuries to a woman who had been sleeping.

    Investigators said that they later contacted Edwards, who had left his driving licence at Dancer's Royale, so that he could turn himself in.

Somewhat tangential anagrams:
Dancers Royale
= Seedy, or carnal.
= A "Nearly scored!"
= Crones already?
= Record. Analyse.
= See racy Orland-
 

Japan's Space World theme park came under fire for acting on its idea of freezing 5,000 shellfish and other aquatic animals into the floor of an ice-skating rink, which managers explain was intended to teach youngsters about marine life. Some complained also about how the sea creatures, obtained from a local fish market, were portrayed in advertisements; for instance, captions included "I am d... d... drowning, s ... s... suffocating". Melting added to the outrage as blood began seeping into the ice and some fish started protruding from the surface.

    Space World manager Toshimi Tekeda responded that the park has been closed for the moment and that the skating rink will be unfrozen for removal of the fish, which are to be given an "appropriate religious service" and then used as fertiliser.

Space World = Crowds pale.
Space World ~ slowed carp.
Space World, Japan = A "cold prawns" jape

Toshimi Tekeda = Hokiest Idea^TM
Toshimi Tekeda = I do the mistake.
Toshimi Tekeda ~ makes the idiot.
 

Florida's Daniel Frederick Rushing, 64, had just taken a neighbour for chemotherapy and was preparing to drive a friend home from work when he was unfortunate enough to get pulled over for speeding and to have a "rock-like substance" found on the floorboard of his car. Rushing later said: "They tried to say it was crack cocaine at first, then they said: 'No, it's meth, crystal meth.'" The officer's report settled on "I recognized, through my eleven years of training and experience as a law-enforcement officer, the substance to be some sort of narcotic".

    Since two field tests indicated the presence of amphetamines, Rushing was strip-searched and rushed to jail. He remained there for several weeks, until a state crime lab determined that – as Rushing had insisted – the substance was pastry glaze, from a Krispy Kreme doughnut. It is unknown whether the officer's experience in law enforcement conferred any familiarity with this substance.

Daniel Frederick Rushing
= Held in nick. ID: sugar. Freer.
= Refined-drug inhaler. Sick!
= Infer hidden sugar-licker
 

Holland's Alexander Pieter Cirk fell for a Chinese woman he met via a dating app on his phone. After growing frustrated with the distances involved, he decided to obtain a visa and air tickets to visit her, and he sent her a photo of his flight details. When he arrived in Changsha, however, she wasn't there to meet him, so the 41-year-old Cirk remained at the airport. Ten days later, his health began to flag, and authorities took him to a local hospital.

    According to Chinese state broadcaster CCTV, a local television station tracked down the woman, who explained that she'd thought him joking about making the journey. She added that she hadn't been able to reply to his post-arrival messages because she'd been scheduled to have plastic surgery. The woman allegedly expressed hopes of maintaining her long-distance relationship with Cirk.

Alexander Pieter Cirk
= Experience dark trail
= Rice Trek. "Explain, dear."

Alexander Pieter Cirk ~  cared. Air trip, Kleenex.

Of his time at the airport:
Alexander P. Cirk = Relax, drink, pace
 

Outside a Walmart store in Oregon, rancher Robert Borba heard a woman shouting: "Stop him! He stole my bike!", so he decided to help. He let his horse out of its trailer and rode over to the thief, who appeared to be finding the bicycle gears problematic. The miscreant gave up on the bike at this point and took off on foot. Borba had only to lasso the man around the legs and return to the scene of the crime. He explains that he "just rode off like I would if I'd roped a cow or something by myself" and then waited for the police to arrive.

Robert Borba = "Robber, abort!"
 

Orange County, California, Superior Court judge Scott Steiner has been taken to task by the Commission on Judicial Performance for various ethics violations, including presiding over a case involving an old friend and repeatedly having sex with two of his former law students, one a practising attorney and the other an intern, in his court chambers. Prosecutor Karen Schatzle failed in her bid to unseat him and now agrees with the conventional wisdom that running against a sitting judge is "career suicide". The latest step in her 24-year career at the District Attorney's office involves filing papers.

Scott Steiner
= It's not secret.
= "Resist not!" etc.

Scott A. Steiner
= Erection stats?
= See tort antics
= Test reactions.
= So near tits etc.
= Cronies attest...

Would this be a quadruple-entendre?
Scott A. Steiner ~ to taint recess
 

In the climax of an argument, Florida construction worker Erick "Pork Chop" Cox decided to dump a front-loader's cargo of dirt on the site supervisor, 57-year-old Perry A. Byrd. Because Byrd therefore couldn't move, Cox was able to collect another load to deposit on Byrd, leaving more than half of the boss's body buried. While a co-worker was ringing the emergency services, Cox started beating Byrd in the head with a two-metre-long aluminium level.

    The 32-year-old Cox later told authorities that he'd accidentally buried Byrd's leg in dirt upon bumping the bucket-control lever when reaching for his keys.

Opinions are divided (his boss apparently isn't perfect either):
Erick A. "Pork Chop" Cox = Prick/cock? Hero? A pox?

He has a bit of a criminal record, so this too might fit:
Erick A. "Pork Chop" Cox = Pickaxe porch crook
 

Having filmed several employees of the town of Boscotrecase, Italy, leaving work after clocking in and/or swiping absent workmates' time cards, police arrested 23 city workers. One video shows a man, after attempting to disable the security camera, placing a cardboard box over his head and then swiping two cards. A third of the town hall staff are under investigation, among them the head of the traffic police and the chief accountant.

    Mayor Pietro Carotenuto stated that he has had to shut down most city offices in the wake of the arrests. The effect of this on the amount of work actually done is unclear.

Pietro Carotenuto = Iterate poor count
Mayor Pietro Carotenuto ~ meant "Your poor ratio" etc.
 

Late on a rainy night, witnesses rang the Los Angeles Sheriff's Department to report two people fleeing the scene of a home burglary in a convertible. Their attempts to put the convertible's top up while in motion were unsubtle and unsuccessful, and officers soon had the relevant stolen Ford Mustang in their sights. In the ensuing chase, the suspects wedged their way past a tour bus while throwing a burger at its driver. One spike strip and some sparks later, the convertible came to a halt. The two men, 20-year-old Herschel Reynolds and 19-year-old Isaiah Young, stepped out and began taking selfies with bystanders.

    Dennis Zine, who has been with the Los Angeles police force for 47 years, later said: "I have been involved in a lot of pursuits, but I haven't seen anything quite like that. The high-fives at the end were ridiculous."

Isaiah Young = "You again!"ish.
 

Oregon's Shannon Egeland received a 10-year prison sentence for orchestrating large-scale mortgage fraud as vice-president of Desert Sun Development. The day before he was due to report to federal prison, however, he was wounded in a "random" roadside shooting that required his leg to be amputated. It later emerged that he'd ordered his teenaged son to shoot him, so as to delay the sentence and benefit from a disability-insurance policy. Shannon, 41, has since pleaded guilty to federal charges of willful failure to pay child support and conspiracy to commit wire fraud. The latter included lying to the insurance company about his arrest record, which runs the gamut from the mortgage fraud, at tens of millions of dollars, to $9 in shoplifting.

Shannon Egeland from Oregon ~  ran, on one leg. Feds: "Hang, moron!"
Or
Oregon's Shannon Egeland = "Gonna shed one leg!" Son ran.
 

Michael Banks, a 27-year-old man from Morro Bay, California, decided to climb a cliff to record himself proposing marriage to his girlfriend. Afterward, he "took a different trail down, much steeper", according to Captain Todd Gailey. A helicopter was called in, and a rescuer climbed down a cable to rescue Banks from the sheer ledge. He began acting erratically a short while later, was ascertained to be high on methamphetamine, and was thrown in jail for possession of said substance. Neither he nor his girlfriend was available for comment.

Michael Banks = Manic, he balks.
Michael Banks = Blackish name
 

Reuters reports on 21-year-old Dustin Taylor's decision that the police were the best people to contact for removal of his handcuffs. He and his wife had lost the key after "doing some kinky things" the previous night. The police obliged, visiting his Fort Smith, Arkansas, home to remove the handcuffs, but Taylor was soon wearing a proper, police-issue pair: a routine search for Taylor's name in a police database revealed an outstanding warrant for his arrest.

It's randy lout ~ Dustin Taylor!
Dustin Taylor: ~ Also, dirty nut ~ in adult story.
 

There weren't enough crab legs to go around at Royal Buffet, in Manchester, Connecticut. This led to a confrontation between customers in the buffet queue, which escalated quickly into a fight in which someone punched a 21-year-old man in the face and knocked one of his teeth out. His mother, who responded with pepper spray, is deemed to have acted in self-defence. The same cannot be said of his assailants, husband-and-wife attack team Clifford and Latoya Knight – ages 45 and 38, respectively – who between them have racked up two charges of disorderly conduct and one each of assault and threatening.

Clifford & Latoya Knight = Can a food fight kill? Try!
Clifford and Latoya Knight = All-in food fight. Darn tacky.
 

In the US state of Georgia, David Pressley thought it would be a good idea to empty a rifle at a lawnmower stuffed with 1.3 kilos of explosives. The 32-year-old Pressley gradually approached his target while shooting. At 25 metres, it exploded and sent a piece of shrapnel into his leg. Pressley, who ended up with only the upper part of the leg, seemed surprised by this outcome. In a video of the incident, he helpfully exclaims: "I blew my leg off!" His friends created a tourniquet for him and summoned medics.

    Neighbour Lydiah Mays, who wasn't concerned by the gunshots but was fazed by the explosion and scream, said: "You would've had to be on drugs or something to think it was a good idea to play with that and try to blow up a lawnmower." Her "that" refers to the target-practice mixture Tannerite, whose safety instructions advise, among other things, not to "shoot targets larger than 1 pound unless it is required due to extreme long-range competition."

Georgia's David Pressley = Red display aggrieves so!
Georgian David Pressley = Rapid "leg is very gone". Sad.

And, possibly an anti-gram in this case:
Tannerite = Entertain!
 

Driving while intoxicated, Florida's Frank Martello smashed into another vehicle near a junction. Both vehicles stopped. Rather than give the other driver his insurance details, the 68-year-old Martello crossed the other lanes of traffic solely to throw a beer bottle at him. Having done so, Martello started walking back to his car. He didn't notice an oncoming vehicle and was killed on impact.

Frank Martello = Freak man-troll!
 

There are limits to what a person is allowed to buy with food-stamp debit cards. Nicholas Jackson found this out when trying to make a purchase from a Florida car dealer.

    The next night, someone stole the $60,000-tagged BMW X-6 that Jackson, 36, had tried to buy with food stamps. Also missing were the keys to 60 other vehicles. According to the Martin County Sheriff's Office, Jackson was found and arrested with the car after it ran out of petrol – he didn't have money to fill the tank. He has been charged with grand theft auto.

Nicholas Jackson  =  No cash – jack, nil – so...
 

You may be familiar with the "Duct Tape Challenge" youth craze, which involves rapidly freeing oneself, on video, after others have liberally applied duct tape. Skylar Fish, 14, enjoyed this game so much that he decided to have another go. His friends wrapped him in tape while he was standing, and he became disoriented. He lost his balance and fell into a window frame. This left him with an aneurysm and damage to an eye socket. Medics gave him 48 staples to treat the injuries.

Skylar Fish = Flashy risk

Duct Tape Challenge = Clutch teenaged pal.
 

Donald Pugh, 45, is an Ohio man who was wanted by the police for drink-driving and in connection with crimes such as arson and vandalism. He didn't like his "Wanted!" photo so sent the police a better one, in which he sports a broad smile. It was because of the new photo that someone was able to alert the cops to Pugh's whereabouts. He was arrested in Florida.

Donald Pugh   =  Ugh – odd plan.
 

Park authorities in Gothenburg, Sweden, had a tricky task on their hands: in response to complaints, removing the outline of a penis drawn in the snow on the thin ice of an area lake. The cleaning company who rose to the challenge used a very-long-handled brush to obscure the offending shape.

    When more than 3,000 people campaigned for the return of the phallic outline, the cleaning company's Emilian Sava wrote online: "I want to say that I am sincerely sorry to see that this many people miss the snow penis [...]. I am trying to figure out the best way to re-create a big and lovely snow penis in the memory of the old one." He and his colleagues completed their new mission with industrial snow-blowers.

Emilian Sava = Salami-naive
 

From 2015

Damon Perry and Christopher Paquin were watching a The Walking Dead marathon in a Grants, New Mexico, flat when the 23-year-old Perry detected signs that Paquin was turning into a zombie. Perry proactively lobbed a microwave oven at Paquin, whacked him with an electric guitar, then stabbed and kicked him until the potential zombie had stopped moving. A short while later, two maintenance workers found a knife-wielding Perry chasing a woman around the building. They held him down until the police arrived.

    Paquin died and did not come back to life. Charged with murder, Perry later explained that substantial amounts of alcohol had been consumed.

Damon Perry    had   random prey
 

Shortly after extolling the virtues of cryotherapy to local media outlets, Las Vegas salon owner Chelsea Ake-Salvacion entered her salon's cryotherapy chamber for a quick visit at the end of the work day. For the 24-year-old Ake-Salvacion, the low temperatures did not produce medical benefits. Her body was found about 10 hours later, roughly 10 hours after she perished.

Chelsea P. Ake-Salvacion = A "panacea" evokes chills.

Cryotherapy?    Yeah, or crypt.
 

A woman contacted the police to complain about seven porn videos that her husband had purchased online. The videos came from Florida's Leigh Felten, 31, who had posted teasers on YouTube alongside the comment "New unlisted vids for a donation. Please support a single mommy and email [address]". In the videos, one of them titled "Mommies a whore", she smears oil on her naked body and that of her 18-month-old son while breast-feeding him. At Felten's Tallahassee home, the police found another video, in which she rubs her crotch against the boy's chest during breast-feeding. Felten has been arrested on charges that include cruelty toward a child and promoting sexual performance by a child.

Ms Leigh Felten = Filth. Men's glee.
 

Because a hand-written "8" in a donor code resembled a "3", Midwest Sperm Bank erroneously impregnated Jennifer Cramblett with a black man's sperm. A partial refund was not enough for her and her partner, Amanda Zinkon, who live in predominantly white Uniontown, Ohio. Cramblett filed suit against the company last year for the costs of counselling and relocation to a more ethnically diverse community, explaining that she suffers from "stress and anxiety" even when thinking of daughter Payton having to attend an all-white school. The lawsuit states that even simply getting the three-year-old girl's hair cut "is not a routine matter": Jennifer "must travel to a black neighborhood, far from where she lives, where she is obviously different in appearance, and not overtly welcome".

    Judge Ronald Sutter has thrown out the lawsuit, explaining that Cramblett erred in alleging wrongful birth and breach of warranty against providing bad tissue or blood. He told her that she may file suit again but under a negligence claim.

Midwest Sperm Bank, USA = Er, bad spunk swim-teams?
 

Rhode Island's Kevin Maynard used to work at a cemetery. He took care of veterans' gravestones when they became damaged. However, his interpretation of "take care of" was closer to "take home for household projects". The engravings were quite visible on some of the repurposed markers when investigators got wind of this. Maynard, 59, is accused of stealing 150 gravestones and using them for, amongst other things, foundations for a shed and two garages. The Department of Veterans Affairs have announced that he has agreed to plead guilty to one count of theft of government property.

Kevin Maynard ~ in mad knavery
And
Kevin Maynard = Man irked Navy
But probably not
Kevin Maynard:   A very kind man
 

Police in Panama City, Florida, describe a case in which restaurant worker Caleb Joshua Halley, 33, and colleague Orlando Thompson, 26, started arguing about how much spice belongs in a gumbo. The argument over gumbo spices ended with Thompson slashing Halley across the torso with a knife. This proved fatal. Thompson is being charged with manslaughter.

Orlando Thompson = Oh, land's top moron
 

David Staples was celebrating US Independence Day at a house in Calais, Maine – with fireworks, indoors. The 22-year-old Staples had been drinking when he decided to place a reloadable mortar tube on his head and set it off. A spokesman for the Maine Department of Public Safety, Stephen McCausland, said that "his friends thought [they had] dissuaded him from doing it, and the next thing they knew, he ignited the fireworks and he was killed instantly". His brother later said that the deceased had been goofing off and thought he was dealing with a dud.

David Staples = Splat advised.
David Staples = Add "Psst... Alive?"
 

Pamela Marie Laich agreed to work with the Altoona, Pennsylvania, police as an undercover informant. Instructed to buy five bags of heroin from the target of an investigation, Laich returned with only three. When told that she would have to return the drug task force's money if she couldn't make the full purchase, she replied that she must have dropped the other two bags. Escorted back to the purchase location, she palmed the "missing" bags from her pocket.

    The content of all five looked "flaky" to officers. There was no need to wait for the test results confirming this: Laich's mobile phone contained text messages from the seller about Laich replacing the heroin with dry baby food during the 20-minute purchase encounter.

    It was unclear what Laich had done with the heroin until an officer saw her "digging at her vagina" in the holding cell, then consuming the heroin from within. One item in the catalogue of charges against her is tampering with evidence. At last report, no charges had been filed against the seller.

Pamela Marie Laich = "I'm cheap, a lame liar, ..."
 

Daniel Anglin, a 19-year-old man from San Bernardino, California, broke into a flat but fled when a resident confronted him. His next attempted crime was a carjacking beside a nearby school-bus stop: naked, he tried to take a vehicle by force, but its driver fought him off. He then walked through a junction and tried with a second vehicle. This time too, he met with no success. The authorities soon arrived, and Anglin apparently attempted to stead a squad car. He was then subdued by Taser and taken into custody.

We aren't sure why he was naked:
Daniel Anglin = Alien landing?
 

A judge in Texarkana, Texas, offered 20-year-old Josten Bundy a choice: spend 15 days in jail for assaulting his girlfriend's ex-boyfriend or wed her, write lines (which consisted of Bible verses), and attend counselling. He chose the latter option.

    The bride's father is looking into possible charges of judicial misconduct, and the bride lamented that she didn't even have a white dress for her nuptials. The judge was not available for comment.

Josten Bundy = Just by end, no?
 

Police in St. Petersburg, Florida, found an abandoned stolen car that contained items belonging to 18-year-old Carnell Eugene Butler. These included papers from his arrest in June for car theft. The police contacted the young man and informed him that they had found his personal items. When Butler showed up to collect them, in his pocket were the keys to a third stolen car, which he'd driven to the police station and left parked a block away. At Butler's home, officers identified a fourth stolen vehicle, a bicycle.

Mr Carnell Eugene Butler = Mr Bungle, a cell returnee.
 

John Wesley Rose applied for a position as a sheriff's officer in Michigan. He completed the first stage of the process without incident, but the 25-year-old Rose had less luck in the second phase. By that time, his arrest warrant from Kentucky had been entered into a national database, and a background check revealed that he was wanted on charges of rape, sexual abuse, and sodomy. Rose was arrested after being summoned to sign the final employment application.

John Wesley Rose = Now joyless here
 

Houston's Racquel Thompson has left her four young children unattended in her flat many times rather than accept child-minding help from her boyfriend's mother, who lived in the same building. The most recent time, the goal of her driving (without a licence) was for her boyfriend to pick up a pizza and prescription medicine. The result is encapsulated well by what the two three-year-olds later told investigators: one of the children placed 19-month-old J'Zyra in the oven, they made it hot, and J'Zyra kicked from inside for a while. The baby did not survive.

    Unable to reach Thompson ever since leaving the three-year-olds with her upon losing his job a few months ago, their father (also possibly J'Zyra's) came to the home three days after the incident. He hopes they can be released to him from foster care.

    Thompson has a replacement child on the way.

Racquel Thompson = Quench torso, palm, ...
 

Matthew Riggins rang his girlfriend to tell her that he'd soon be breaking into homes in Florida's Barefoot Bay area. Sure enough, locals soon reported seeing two men in black skulking about, and the girlfriend soon found herself receiving another call: Riggins and his accomplice were being hunted by dogs and a helicopter. This police search proved fruitless, but 10 days later, in late November, a portion of a corpse was found floating in an area pond. It belonged to the 22-year-old Riggins, as did material in the stomach of the alligator that officers encountered while recovering the remains.

    Of the apparent ill-fated attempt to hide in the water, the police's Major Tod Goodyear said that this is a first in his career.

Matthew Riggins ~ gets in maw, right?
"Gater Swim Night" ~  might ingest raw ~  Matthew Riggins.
 

It seemed like Gregory Miller's lucky day. This 55-year-old man found a Coors Light delivery truck that had been left running at a petrol station in Columbus, Georgia, so he made off with it. His elation lasted until shortly before he crashed the beer lorry into a fence at a restaurant, with police in pursuit. He got out to make a run for it, but he did so without putting the transmission in Park. The vehicle ran over his leg, leaving him with a severe ankle injury. When released from hospital, he faced charges of "eluding police" and theft by taking a motor vehicle.

Georgia's Gregory Miller = Lager. Rise more groggily.
Gregory Miller from Georgia = Lager rig, or "my leg-room grief"
 

Someone in Wayne County, New Jersey, rang the emergency services to report that a woman was being assaulted in the car park of Mother's Ale House. That someone was Hayley Oates, 25, who had been drinking at another area venue, where a police officer had been parked until the 911 call. She wanted to drive away worry-free while intoxicated. Of course, officers found no assault in progress, but they did later find this Facebook post from Oates: "lmao.. 2 mins later the cop peals out.. silly piggies tricks r for u." She was arrested for filing false reports to law-enforcement officers and causing false public alarm.

Hayley Oates = Yes, tale ahoy!
 

Malachi Love-Robinson has a history of dressing up as a doctor, with Anna's News Clippings having reported on some of his exploits in this vein at a Florida hospital. No charges were filed then. Upon turning 18, he upped his game, setting up his own medical clinic, with which he claimed to be a registered physician. He rented space at a building used by doctors near West Palm Hospital, and thus New Birth New Life Holistic and Alternative Medical Center & Urgent Care was born.

    After a tip-off led to his arrest for both practising without a medical licence and stealing cheques from an 86-year-old patient, Love-Robinson said that he was "deeply saddened and a little disrespected" by the charges.

Malachi Love-Robinson = So, conman & ill behavior
 

Knowing that they were both intoxicated, Wisconsin thirty-somethings Jason Roth and Amanda Rose Eggert wanted to do the responsible thing when they needed to get home with their 11-month-old baby. Therefore, they gave their pickup truck keys to their nine-year-old daughter and asked her for a ride home. Police were soon responding to a call about an erratic driver. The adults have entered a "not guilty" plea with the Polk County court to charges of recklessly endangering safety and neglecting a child.

    Eggert also faces charges connected with fisticuffs – she had cut her hand while snowmobiling earlier in the day, then initiated a fight with the paramedics.

Amanda Eggert ~ managed great!
 

...By any other name...

The not-so-ladylike lawyer in the following story started using the name "Ava Everheart".
Perhaps a nice choice, since this anagram would seem to fit rather well:
Ava Everheart = Rave, rave, hate!

When Kent and Jill Easter arrived at their son's Irvine, California, school to collect him from after-school tennis lessons, he wasn't in his usual spot. The class's volunteer supervisor, PTA president Kelli Peters, suggested that perhaps he had been slow to queue up afterward. The couple, both lawyers, took this as a dig at the boy's intelligence, so they decided to get back at her. Over the next year, in 2010-11, they accused Peters of stalking the family, claimed that she had caused the boy to suffer anxiety attacks by leaving him unattended for extended spans of time, and finally planted drugs in her car.

    The last of these played out with Kent adopting a fake Indian accent to report "drugs, all over the place" in Peters's car. Officers worked out that the call had been made from near Kent's law firm and that said drugs bore the Easters' DNA. Kent's licence to practise law was suspended, and now-ex-wife Jill was disbarred. Together, they must pay the equivalent of five million euros in damages.

    After the ruling, Peters said: "I wouldn't have gone this far [with court proceedings etc.] had they said they were sorry. This was [...] about standing up to people that pick on other people."
 

Sean Robert Garcia is accused of stealing cheque books at the house of two people in Tampa, Florida. The 19-year-old man allegedly rang the pair of victims shortly after the theft: posing as a Lieutenant Brown investigating the case for the police, he told them that matters were in hand and that there was no need to report anything. However, the victims had already filed a report, and a sheriff's officer was in the process of interviewing them when Garcia placed his phone call. He has been charged with petty theft and impersonating a law-enforcement officer.

Aberrations grace ~ Sean Robert Garcia.
Sean Robert Garcia = Got a career? Brains?
Sean Garcia = Casing area    (Or perhaps    Scaring area)
 

The police were summoned to a bar in Apopka, Florida, where a four- and a two-year-old child had been left unattended in a vehicle. As an officer with a body camera approached, the children's mother, 35-year-old April King, emerged from the bar and returned to the vehicle. There, she had the four-year-old boy blow into the breath-test unit that her husband had had installed in the car after her time in rehabilitation.

    The husband, Doug King, said that he does not plan to bail her out of jail, explaining: "I think this is the best thing for her. Rehab hasn't worked and she hasn't learned anything from it."

April King, of Florida ~  for Parking Fail idol!
 

According to Florida's Bradenton Herald, 18-year-old Ashley Miller was arrested in connection with problematic activities she engaged in at her grandmother's house. During an investigation into transmission of harmful material to a minor, officers found incriminating images on her mobile phone, of a woman being pleasured by a pit bull. The accompanying police report stated: "Mrs. Miller was [later] interview [sic] and Mrs. Miller confessed that she had the canine perform oral sex on her 30 to 40 times" over the last five years and that she'd engaged in similar activities with her previous dog. Miller has been charged with two counts of misdemeanour sexual activities involving animals.

Ashley Miller = All slimy here
 

Speaking for the Houston police, Jodi Silva reports on a 19-year-old Texas man who decided to take a social-media selfie photo while holding a gun. She says: "A witness told police he was taking a selfie with a gun and the gun accidentally discharged." Deleon Alonso Smith, with his cousin at the time, managed to shoot himself in the throat and died later from the wounds.

Deleon Alonso Smith = Shot, one man dies. LOL!

He's not laughing anymore himself:
Deleon A Smith = Death. No smile.
Deleon Alonso Smith = Most headlines: "Loon"
 

Connecticut's David Pope wanted to help the homeless man he saw pushing a cart of cans and bottles down the street. Pope grabbed the 77-year-old man by the arm and insisted on taking him home to have a meal. At Pope's home, the man received food and a dog bite to the leg.

    After the older man, who was not, in fact, homeless, was able to leave Pope's home undetected, he rang the police from his own residence to make a complaint about Pope's dog. Once the animal was under control, an apparently intoxicated Pope explained to officers that he'd assumed the other man was homeless. The charges against Pope include second-degree kidnapping and interfering with the duties of an officer of the law.

David Pope = Vapid dope
 

If you get stuck in traffic on the way to the airport, you might not want to try Matteo Clementi and Enrica Apollonio's approach. Finding the Ryanair gate for their flight back home from Malta closed, these twenty-something Italians forced open a security door at the neighbouring gate and ran onto the tarmac. They waved their arms to catch pilots' attention, in hopes of being allowed aboard. Instead, they were arrested and fined 2,329 euros.

Italy's Matteo Clementi and Enrica Apollonio
= La idea: "I am not on a plane. It's not in the air. Collect me."
 

A 32-year-old Brooklyn man complained to the police about the spiritualist he'd begun visiting in 2013 for help with unrequited love. After his first visits to her, "psychic" Priscilla Kelly Delmaro explained that she needed diamonds to protect his energy. A spirit was stalking him, bringing bad luck in love. The next step was to conduct a fake funeral ceremony in order to fool the spirit into thinking him dead. The man later paid for a bridge to trap the spirit in another realm. And for reincarnating the object of his affections after he learned that she'd died. Out of money after giving her the equivalent of 550,000 euros, he complained to the police. The 26-year-old Delmaro and her companion, 27-year-old Bobby Evans, have been jailed on charges of grand larceny.

Priscilla Kelly Delmaro ~ plays all like crime lord.
Priscilla Delmaro = Claim ripe dollars.
 

In 2010, Spain's Maria Ángeles Durán laid claim to the sun, pointing out that the UN Outer Space Treaty rules out "national appropriation" but not ownership by individuals. While she hasn't begun the promised billing of users of solar energy, she did, in 2013, commence eBay sales of square-metre plots of the sun, accompanied by ownership documents. After she had sold 1,000+ solar plots, eBay closed her shop page for breach of the site's rules against selling intangible goods.

    Arguing that the sun is tangible, she responded by suing eBay for breach of contract, and a Spanish court agreed to hear the case.

ID a "real" sun-manager:   Maria Angeles Duran

She also is an  "unrealised anagram"  who is   measuring land area.
 

Emily Titterington was a mildly autistic teenager from Cornwall whose phobia of using the toilet sometimes left her avoiding defecation for extended periods. Her family tried to address her bowel issues by such means as homeopathy. These did not help: she ended up dying from a heart attack caused by constipation after having gone three months without a bowel movement. At an inquest, paramedics described arriving at the 16-year-old Titterington's home to find her "vomiting faeces" and with a "grossly extended abdomen". One stated: "Her lower ribs had been pushed out further than her pubic bone – I was shocked." They had visited earlier in the evening in response to pain between the girl's shoulder blades, but she'd refused to go to hospital.

Emily Titterington = Toilet entry timing...
 

Levi Charles Reardon is a 24-year-old Montana man who was arrested after using Facebook's Like button: when an acquaintance mentioned that Reardon's photo was on the Great Falls / Cascade County Crimestoppers Facebook page, Reardon read the relevant post listing him as one of the area's most wanted criminals and decided to "Like" his mug shot. He has since pleaded not guilty of felonious forgery.

Levi Reardon = An evil record
Or
Levi Reardon = Evildoer ran.
 

Dominyk Antonio Alfonseca handed a Virginia bank teller a note that read "I Need 150,000 Bonds Right NOW!! please / Police take 3 to 4 minutes to get here, I would appriecate if you Ring the alarm a minute after I am gone... make sure the money dosen't BLOW UP on my way out. :-)". The teller obliged. The 23-year-old Alfonseca was arrested, with a gym bag full of money, not long after he posted his mobile-phone video of the incident online. He later protested that asking for money isn't a crime.

Dominyk Antonio Alfonseca
= In "I take no fancy loans!" mood

Dominyk Alfonseca = Confined okay. SLAM!
 

Ethan Earl Nickerson, 26, decided to hold his girlfriend and her three children hostage at knifepoint at her Highlands County, Florida, home over an undisclosed disagreement. They did agree on one thing: they were hungry. So the girlfriend, Cheryl Treadway, convinced him to let her use a Pizza Hut ordering application on her mobile phone. Her order for a hand-tossed classic pizza with pepperoni included further instructions, in the comments field – "911 hostage help". The Pizza Hut outlet contacted the police, and Nickerson was arrested.

Florida's Cheryl Treadway, ~ held, craftily orders away.
Ethan Nickerson = No kitchens near?
 

When class pictures were ready in Batavia, Ohio, 13-year-old Sophie Thomas "checked it to make sure I didn't look dumb or anything [and] saw that they had removed the word from my shirt, and I was insanely upset". While the "FEMINIST" top doesn't violate the school's dress code, principal Kendra Young explained to reporters, she had wanted to minimise controversy, since some might find the word offensive. She has since apologised for the decision.

    School superintendent Ralph Shell, who claims that Thomas and her parents both had consented to the removal, said: "This particular photograph not only had the word 'feminism' in the front row very plainly could be seen, but there was also some young men in the background that were doing not appropriate things with their hands. So the principal made the decision to airbrush the word 'feminism' and the hands out."

Sophie Thomas = Photo amiss, eh?
 

When Dennis Norman stopped at an Oakland Park, Florida, petrol station in the wee hours, he noticed that the clerk sitting on the other side of the window was asleep. After watching the snoring man for a minute or so, looking at the CCTV camera, and making a certain rude gesture, the 25-year-old Norman proceeded to pull the shop's chest freezer full of ice-cream products slowly away from the wall. In a 15-minute process, he pushed it past the sleeping clerk and out the door. Norman was arrested about four hours later. The fate of the ice cream is unknown.

Dennis Norman ~ and snorin' men...
 

Pedro Ewing is charged with pulling a gun on a Pennsylvania off-licence clerk and demanding money, ostensibly to help his children. In addition to the equivalent of about 60 euros from the till, he swiped a bottle of Gentleman Jack whiskey, then returned it to the shelf in order to grab a larger bottle of the same drink, labelled with twice the price. Yes, the 42-year-old Ewing's fingerprints were obtained from the abandoned bottle.

Pedro Ewing = Gin-powered?
 

In Canada, Heather Arlene Carr died in a pagan ritual. The 40-year-old British Columbia woman had lit a fire within an arrangement of rocks at a local park at night, then become caught in the resulting blaze. Summoned by a passer-by, Kamloops firefighters created an opening in the base of the rock structure in order to extract Carr and convey her to hospital. Three firefighters too were hospitalised, to be treated for smoke and dry-chemical inhalation.

    The next day, Carr's husband posted to her Facebook page Being Pagan Out of the Broom Closet: "Heather passed away yesterday from severe burns suffered in a ritual gone horrifically wrong."

Heather Arlene Carr = Relearn hearth care!
Heather Arlene Carr = Cheer her near altar
 

A 26-year-old pregnant woman responded to a Craigslist advertisement posted by Dynel Lane, a Colorado woman offering baby clothes for sale. Upon entering Lane's home, the pregnant woman was beaten and stabbed in the belly. Lane removed the unborn child and claimed later, to her husband and at an area hospital, to have suffered a miscarriage.

    At the hospital, the baby was pronounced dead and Lane, 34, was arrested, with the exact charges still under discussion when the relevant Clippings issue went to press. The formerly pregnant victim was found in Lane's home and responded well to surgery.

    Police are on the lookout for any other women who may have responded to Lane's advert.

Dynel Catrece Lane = Cell-area tendency
 

In St. Petersburg, Florida, 25-year-old Troy Earl Smith fell from his bicycle. Witnesses' statements and surveillance video footage from a business along his route indicate that this happened because he'd shot himself in the chest by accident. The shooting was actually performed by the handgun in his jacket pocket. Smith was later pronounced dead at a local hospital.

Troy E. Smith = I'm the story.
Or
History met ~ Troy E. Smith.
 

Charged with breaking a 1986 Florida law requiring HIV-positive people to disclose that status before engaging in sexual intercourse, Gary Debaun argues that he is innocent on account of same-sex sex acts not being considered sexual intercourse under state law. A circuit judge agreed with Debaun's argument but was overruled by an appeals court on grounds that the state clearly intended to cover all sex acts in the relevant law, no matter what definitions other Florida laws might apply. At the time of my reporting, the case had reached the state's highest court for a ruling.

Gary Debaun = A gay bed-run
 

Australia brings us Robin George Knight, a 45-year-old funeral-home director who has pleaded guilty to about a hundred counts of theft and deception. After persuading people to sign pre-paid funeral contracts with his company, he faked their deaths. More than 70 of them. The insurance money went toward his business costs, among other expenses. Knight is to spend three or more years in jail, and at least 38 of the not-really-dead customers are out of pocket, with the insurance company refusing to honour the contract when they really do die.

Robin Knight = Thinking "Rob!"
 

In Torpoint, Cornwall, Derek Nash found an invoice for the equivalent of 20 euros in his five-year-old son Alex's school bag. The boy had chosen to visit his grandparents instead of attending a schoolmate's birthday party at a ski centre, and the invoice, passed on by a teacher from the other child's mother, was for the "no-show". Nash, who explains that he hadn't known how to contact the birthday boy's mother to report his son's cancellation, has refused to pay the amount, and action is pending in small-claims court. Meanwhile, the birthday boy no longer plays with Alex at school.

Derek Nash = He's narked.
 

According to UPI reports, Michigan bakery worker Ruben Giovanni Gramajo is charged with putting the wrong kind of nuts in granola-bar mix. The deed was caught by security cameras and the Hearthside Foods quality-control system. Gramajo, 22, later told the police that he'd put nuts and bolts in the mix in order to "get a break from work". He has his wish: at least for now, he isn't to set foot near his employer's facilities. He is being charged with placing harmful objects in food, a felony in this case.

Ruben Giovanni Gramajo = Given marijuana bong or ...?
(Dunno what else might have led him to consider this a good idea)
 

A report from the US National Transportation Safety Board on 2014's crash of a light aircraft near Watkins, Colorado, states: "Contributing to the accident was the pilot's distraction due to his cellphone use while maneuvering at low altitude." The pilot, Amritpal Singh, 29, had been sending text messages, but also selfies were involved. Both he and his passenger, Jatinder Singh, died in their brief night flight.

    The goings-on during the pilot's jaunts earlier in the day, with various passengers, were caught by a GoPro camera pointed into the Cessna 150K's cockpit. It captured images of the pilot and passengers taking numerous photos of themselves, sometimes even flash photos, and at least once the pilot was conversing over his mobile phone while flying.

Amritpal Singh = Man's air plight
 

From 2014

The California State Medical Board has ruled that urologist Charles Coonan Streit committed "an extreme departure from the standard of care" by relying on memory in his removal of a kidney from a federal inmate. The 59-year-old prisoner ended up with his healthy kidney excised and the cancer-affected organ still inside his body. A second surgery has been performed, and Streit has been placed on three years' probation.

Charles Coonan Streit = As in "heals"? Not correct.
Charles Coonan Streit = Slash. Incorrect toe? "Darn."
Charles Coonan Streit ~ errs. Act's ethical no-no.
Dr Charles Coonan Streit ~ sent accidental horrors.
Dr Charles Coonan Streit = So "Incorrect Hands" alert!

"Wrong-side surgery" is often a result of hurry, encouraged by staff shortages and a penny-pinching environment:
Wrong-side surgery = Greed's worrying us.
 

Caroline Cartwright received a jail term for violating the four-year Anti-Social Behaviour Order forbidding her from screaming and making other loud vocalisations during sex. She responds that she has no intention to comply, saying that "that's what you should be doing [...]. It's not as if I'm having sex and think 'Oh, I'm making too much noise. I'd better be quiet.'"

    The problems began when Cartwright and her husband moved into terraced housing and promptly began treating their neighbours to the sound of the iron headboard of their bed banging against the wall. That particular issue resolved itself when the bed broke. Still, the police have visited more than 30 times since then to tell the couple to be quieter.

Caroline Cartwright = Can it, girl! (cow, rather)
 

Heather Cho, a vice-president of Korean Air and daughter of its boss, was resigned from responsible positions at the company after she delayed a flight on account of "service standards" while flying as a private passenger: Before the plane left New York for Seoul, she had berated a flight attendant for serving her macadamia nuts in a bag rather than on a plate. The incident ended with Cho ordering the plane to return to the terminal and having the chief flight attendant ejected for supporting the junior attendant.

Heather Cho = Oh, teach her!
It appears that someone may well have done just that.
 

Dwayne Fenlason, of Pomfret, Vermont, drove his pickup truck off the road, so he went home to get his other pickup truck, for towing the first out of the ditch. The second pickup too ended up off the road. On his third try, the 40-year-old Fenlason went home for his all-terrain vehicle. He didn't make it to the scene that time. At the time of his arrest, he had a blood alcohol level of 0.30 per cent.

Dwayne Fenlason = Wend safely anon?
 

In Harrison, New Jersey, Christopher Russell was cold and just wanted to go home, to the town of Newark. In a decision possibly influenced by his drunkenness, he decided to solve the problem by stealing a vehicle. The vehicle he chose was a bulldozer, which the 30-year-old Russell first tried to manoeuvre through a park. This resulted in the loss of some signs, a drinking fountain, three benches, two steel bollards, and a tree. He eventually left the park and added a car to his tally. When officers caught up with him, he had parked the construction vehicle in a street and was trying to climb out.

Christopher Russell = Roll, crush, "Shit!" spree
Christopher Russell = His plot lurches & errs.
 

This reminds me of another parking incident, occurring at roughly the same time. Anthony Philip Whiteway was fined for driving an aircraft through a small town in western Australia, including a stop at the local pub.

Anthony Philip Whiteway = Oh, why within a plane? Pity.
 

In Longmont, Colorado, Paul Felyk, 35, managed to fall through a vent on the roof of a department store at the weekend, landing within the walls two metres below. On Monday, employees heard someone yelling but couldn't work out where the sound was coming from. On Tuesday, they found Felyk yelling through a hole in the wall, so they contacted the authorities. Firefighters sawed into the side of the building to free him, according to local media. After being taken to hospital for leg injuries, Felyk explained that he'd fallen while trying to cut the power to the building and thereby prevent intruder alarms from going off.

Paul Felyk = Fluky leap!
 

Emerald White, whose four pit bulls killed her neighbours' beagle, Bailey, is suing those neighbours for a million dollars. The Texas City woman explains that she was "seriously injured" when trying to retrieve her dogs after they'd made their way through a hole in the fence. She contends that her injuries, believed to have been inflicted by her own dogs, would not have occurred if Bailey had been in a secure enclosure within the neighbours' yard.

    Bailey's owner, Steve Baker, says that he had decided not to sue White because that wouldn't resurrect Bailey and "the police took the action I wanted and declared those dogs dangerous and awareness was raised".

The lame, weird ~ Emerald White
Emerald White = mere wild hate.
Emerald White = Wee mad Hitler.
 

While police officers in Houston were responding to a burglary false alarm at a shopping centre, they noticed that they had caused alarm themselves, with several panicked people dashing into a nearby shop, the Action Smoke Shop and Studio. Checking what was going on, the police found people flushing drugs down the toilet and crawling around in the ceiling. They found a handgun, a small amount of cocaine, and a "marijuana packaging operation". Six people, not least the owner of the shop, were arrested.

Action Smoke Shop and Studio
= Aim: dope-stock ads in Houston
 

Calvin Wank, of Deposit, New York, was arrested by state police for allegedly masturbating in a car park outside a truck stop. He'd been doing this long enough that several truckers had time to complain and the police had time to arrive while he was still in the act. Wank, 56, appeared to be wearing women's lipstick and eye make-up when arrested.

Calvin Wank, of Deposit, New York = Known fact's "I reveal pink woody".
 

Charles Agosto evaded Oregon police who attempted to stop him for a traffic violation. As more officers converged on the area, he abandoned his car and hid amidst dense foliage on private property. Neither the undergrowth nor the lateness of the hour proved an impediment: the police tracked the 35-year-old man down from the smell of his strong cologne. They report that Agosto later described the cologne as a bad choice.

So, arrest a cologne hog:   Charles Agosto, Oregon
 

According to the Ada County, Idaho, sheriff's office, 18-year-old Tristian Myers was driving four other teenagers around Boise at 5:30am when one of these bright sparks used a cigarette lighter to set fire to the driver's armpit hair. Myers lost control of the car. A 15- and 16-year-old were thrown from the vehicle, and all five young people received medical treatment for non-life-threatening injuries.

    Myers received a citation for inattentive driving, and an unnamed 16-year-old passenger for interfering with the driver's safety. None of the teenagers had been wearing a seat belt.

    Notably, alcohol does not appear to have been involved.

Tristian Myers = Transit misery
 

Michel Togue, a lawyer in Cameroon, is sharing information on some of the dozens of cases in which he has defended people accused of "being a homosexual", which has been a crime in that country since 1972, one that earns violators a fine and a prison sentence of up to five years. Togue said: "To catch people having sex, to catch them in the act, you have to [...] violate their privacy, which is an offense." Accordingly, judges jailed two women simply on their neighbours' word, and the evidence in one case consisted of "feminine mannerisms": the judge found that Bailey's Irish Cream is indeed a woman's drink.

The liqueur Bailey's Irish Cream ~ is his habitually, er, queer, crime.
 

The California State Bar have recommended that Los Angeles attorney Svitlana Sangary be suspended from practice for six months in punishment for the photos she used on her Web site. Its "Publicity" page featured images of Sangary with such figures as Presidents Obama and Clinton and actors George Clooney and Leonardo DiCaprio. Judge Donald Miles wrote in his opinion: "This court finds that many, and perhaps all, of these photos were created by taking original celebrity photos and then overlaying respondent's image in order to make it appear as though [she] was in the presence of that celebrity." Sangary denies that she engaged in deceptive advertising and misconduct.

Svitlana Sangary = Alas, nasty. Raving.
 

In considerably less photo-related trouble is 65-year-old Patricia Hewitson, an Exmouth woman who was curious about a 1.5-metre-high plant that had been creating a strong odour in her garden. Though her husband, who had studied botany in his younger years, told her she needn't worry about it, she e-mailed a photograph of the plant to the BBC Devon radio programme The Potting Shed and explained the situation to the programme's hosts. They informed her that she had been cultivating cannabis, possibly thanks to a packet of bird seed. Although the police were notified, Hewitson is not to face charges.

Patricia Hewitson = Air case with pot in.
 

A 19-year-old woman waiting tables at an Allegheny County, Pennsylvania, wedding reception became uncomfortable when bridegroom Mark Williams, 33, started acting "touchy-feely" with her and trying to force shots of liquor down her throat even after she explained that she was pregnant. She ended up summoning her boyfriend, Tyler Smith, to pick her up from work early. The two men ended up entangled in fisticuffs, and both were arrested. A third arrest took place when the groom's brother, an off-duty state police officer, struck a local police officer. The server reported that the bride looked on quietly throughout the chaos.

    Public-safety spokeswoman Sonya Toler said: "There was a lot of blood at the scene. It was kind of confusing and loud." Contributing to the bloodiness was 31-year-old Brian Taylor, of unknown allegiance, who punched through the window of a parked car and warned arresting officers that he was HIV-positive.

Mark Williams ~ will irk mamas.
And the lesson his mama never taught:
Mark Williams = Wars maim, kill.
 

Eating eight doughnuts in two minutes gave North Carolina's Bradley Hardison the top prize in a contest hosted by the Elizabeth City police department. The 24-year-old Hardison beat several police officers in the contest, but the authorities still came out on top: Camden County Sheriff's Lieutenant Max Robeson recognised Hardison later from a local newspaper story covering the event, on account of a few burglaries committed nine months earlier. Robeson congratulated him on his win before arresting him for breaking and entering.

Bradley Hardison = A horribly sad end
 

Oklahoma's Lynette Rae Sampson was convinced that her methamphetamine was laced with something. Therefore, the 54-year-old woman rang the police. When officers arrived, she greeted them with an "I'm glad you came" before showing them her various stashes of the drug, which may or may not have been pure. Sampson was taken to jail and later charged with felonious possession of methamphetamine and misdemeanour unlawful possession of drug paraphernalia.

Lynette Rae Sampson
= Say "Entrapment!" & lose.
= Matron sees penalty
= Petty. A real mess, non?
= No "Mensa type!" alerts
 

Ohio's Sandra Thomas left a Walgreens shop with about 100 euros' worth of items and was promptly intercepted by the manager. Unable to produce a receipt, she walked with him back to the store to await the arrival of police officers. She then announced a need to use the toilet, promptly defecated in front of the store, and ran off. The police tracked her down, at which point she announced that she has health problems and pulled her trousers down again. She was hustled off to a toilet and then bundled into a police cruiser, where she reportedly told the officers that she has bedbugs.

    Thomas, 51, has been charged with theft and disorderly conduct.

Sandra Thomas ~ shat. No dramas...
 

Reuters reports on a teenager from Klein Hesepe, Germany, who dropped his mobile phone into a pond. The 16-year-old youth wanted the data from the phone badly enough that he decided to move the water out of the way. He later explained: "I thought two pumps would drain enough of the water" from the pond into a nearby toilet. He didn't realise that the toilet wasn't connected to the sewer system. When its waste tank overflowed, sewage was sent flooding across the grounds of a fishing club.

    The teenager is reported to have told Osnabrücker Zeitung: "It almost worked."

"It almost worked" = To world, mistake.
 

In Plain City, Utah, a man tried to reserve some pew space for his family at an unusually packed Mormon service, but Wayne Dodge would have none of it. The ensuing argument soon headed into the car park, where Dodge is alleged to have punched the man several times. When the man emerged after cleaning himself up, he ended up over the front of Dodge's car. Weber County Sheriff's Lieutenant Mark Lowther said that, while the two men's accounts differed, witnesses' comments revealed probable cause to arrest Dodge for aggravated assault.

    Dodge, 51, who pleaded guilty to misdemeanour assault, was handed a small fine and ordered to complete an anger-management class.

The Mormon Wayne Dodge ~ met God where on Monday?
The Mormon Wayne Dodge = "The worm annoyed me." —God
= Edgy man, now do more!   (Egging him on)
= Mood? Wrong? Amen! —ed.
 

A Volusia County, Florida, sheriff's officer stopped a vehicle after noticing that the passenger was not wearing a seat belt. The man, 200-kilo Christopher Mitchell, explained that he is too big to use a seat belt. Both passenger and driver seemed rather nervous about having been stopped, and a drug-detecting dog soon sniffed out the reason: the 42-year-old Mitchell had marijuana and cocaine secreted under his "stomach fat". He faces multiple charges, several of them drugs-related.

Florida's Christopher Mitchell
= Mild clash. Horrific pot shelter.
= Price's he'll lift horrid stomach.
 

In March, California's Marcella Bracamonte and her husband hired 64-year-old Diane Stretton as a live-in nanny after advertising on Craigslist. Stretton allegedly stopped working after about three weeks, explaining that she has a chronic pulmonary disease that leaves her unable to do what she'd been hired to do. Bracamonte recalls: "She'd stay in her room 90% of the day. She was never there to help prepare a meal but was always there to eat the meal."

    When asked to leave, Stretton said that she could sue for age-based discrimination, breach of contract, false imprisonment, and other crimes. The family told her to leave anyway, and they attached a lock to their refrigerator. Seeking police assistance, they were told that they should initiate a formal eviction process.

    Media coverage has since done the trick: Stretton, who is on California's list of vexatious litigants, has left the home, leaving her belongings behind.

Diane Stretton
= Storied tenant
= It's a rotten end.

Diane Stretton ~ ate tots' dinner.
 

Florida's Edward Holley got into an argument with Darryl Blacknell. The next day, looking out onto his porch, Holley saw Blacknell sitting there so attacked him. The weapon of choice was the pan of grits that Holley had been cooking. After the incident, Holley told police officers that they should arrest him since "next time I am going to kill [Blacknell]". Holley was charged with attempted murder, and Blacknell was hospitalised with second- and third-degree burns.

Edward Holley = "Ow!" yelled, hard.
 

In south St. Paul, Minnesota, Nicholas Wig took credit cards, cash, and a watch from James Wood's home while it was raining. Then, before leaving, he quickly checked his Facebook profile on Wood's computer.

    Upon returning home and discovering the burglary, Wood posted his phone number on the Facebook page he found still open, asking any of "Nick Dub"'s friends who might have information to get in touch.

    Wig himself rang, agreeing by SMS to meet Wood – he wanted to get back some of the wet clothes he'd left at the crime scene, in exchange for an old mobile phone he'd stolen.

    When Wig was arrested, he was wearing Wood's watch.

Nicholas Wig = A clown. I sigh.
Nicholas Wig = Ah, logic wins!
 

A man from France entered a London-area jewellery shop to look at engagement rings with the woman and baby accompanying him. Half an hour later, he returned to steal the rings, a pattern he is suspected to have followed with other London-area jewellers. He got away with about 23,000 euros' worth of jewellery but was kind enough to give rather than merely take: he left behind his mobile phone, which even had a photograph of him as the screensaver. He is Germain Ibrahim Fofana, 27, and he is in trouble.

Germain Fofana = A name for Fagin
 

Danielle Shea was nervous before graduation. After her mother arrived at Connecticut's Quinnipiac University for the ceremony, this cap-and-gown-clad 22-year-old took a moment apart from them to use her phone: she called in two bomb threats so that the ceremony would be cancelled. Shea later explained that she had "panicked" when relatives noticed that her name wasn't on the list of graduating seniors. She had actually dropped out of her university studies but not wanted to admit it.

    The ceremony went ahead after a 90-minute delay.

Danielle Shea: Seal headline
 

Charity Johnson faked her ID documents when enrolling as a sophomore at a Christian high school in Longview, Texas. She told school officials that she'd been home-schooled so had no records from previous educational institutions. As abused orphan "Charite Stevens", she was given food, housing, and a haircut by local woman Tamica Lincoln, who soon changed her mind for unknown reasons and reported that she no longer wanted the girl living with her.

    It emerged in the ensuing investigation that Stevens was Johnson and that Johnson is 31 years old, not 15. As for the reason she was posing as a studious teenager, the principal said: "Nobody seems to know why."

"Charite Stevens" ~ craves teen shit.
"Charite Stevens" = Th' creativeness!
 

Darin Simak, a seven-year-old at Pennsylvania's Martin Elementary School, left his school backpack in a friend's car, so his mother packed a spare bag for him. When he arrived at school, he noticed that she had left a toy gun in the outside pocket, so he took it to a teacher, explaining: "I'm not supposed to have this." Following protocol, the teacher informed the principal, who responded by suspending the boy. Simak's mother sent him to school anyway, since "he is entitled to be in school and be educated", and he was kept in the office.

    School policy states that "the school district shall expel for a period of not less than one (1) year" any student who brings a weapon or replica thereof onto school property, though it allows case-specific exceptions.

    The boy's father, Chris Simak, said: "What was he supposed to do? [...] Just hide it and keep it in his bag so he doesn't get in trouble? We're trying to teach him the right way, and now they're teaching him the wrong way."

Darin Simak = A kid in arms.
 

Leonard Tonui, 26, and Michael Shikuku, 35, came across an elephant while in Kenya's Kiptagich forest. They whipped out their mobile phones and started taking pictures of themselves with the elephant, eventually posing with their hands on its trunk and tusks. The pachyderm was not pleased, and it lashed out at them with its trunk. "It then trampled them and then collected twigs from the forest to 'bury' the two" in the words of Kuresoi South divisional police officer David Wambua. Rangers who had tried to rescue the men brought down the elephant.

Michael Shikuku & Leonard Tonui
= Knuckleheads & our humiliation.

Like, uh, use a homicidal trunk on ~ Michael Shikuku & Leonard Tonui.

Leonard Tonui = An old routine.
Michael Shikuku = Usual, eh? Kick him?

(Leonard's name also anagrams to "loon urinated")
 

The police in Huntington, West Virginia, report that Christopher Anderson rang them from a bank to report that workers there had locked him inside the building when closing for the night. Anderson, 32, explained that he had fallen asleep in the loo. He could have added that he had passed out there after using heroin.

    Anderson was arrested for misdemeanour possession of a controlled substance and on a warrant that had been issued earlier.

Christopher Anderson = Heroin crash portends...
Christopher Anderson ~ reports hindrances. Oh.
 

Annoyed because his girlfriend's three-month-old puppy was continually yapping, Florida's Ephrian Myles allegedly poured hot sauce over the animal, which affected its eyes and throat, thereby triggering seizures. This earned him a year in the county jail for felonious aggravated cruelty to animals, plus 18 months of probation.

    The puppy has a new home, and the 47-year-old Myles is no longer allowed to live in a home with animals.

Ephrian Myles:
Yelps near him.
His mean reply? ...
 

South Carolina's Courtney Sanford updated her Facebook status while driving. To accompany her new status "The happy song makes me so HAPPY", the 32-year-old Sanford captured some pictures of herself. While so doing, she crossed the median of the interstate highway and ran head-on into a recycling truck. She died, while the driver of the truck walked away from his burning vehicle unharmed.

    High Point Police Department spokesperson Lt Chris Weisner branded the incident a real-life public-service announcement "showing what happens when you text and drive". There was no evidence that Sanford had been speeding or using either alcohol or other drugs.

Courtney Sanford
= Destroy car. No fun.
= Story of dunce ran.

Courtney Sanford, ~ or scary end to fun.

(She also anagrams to "Doctors are funny")
 

Reuters reports that Turkey's Sefer Calinak, 62, appeared on the television show Luck of the Draw to try to find a new woman to share his life. He explained to the audience that he'd murdered his wife and a former lover but had served his time in prison. Before the host asked him to leave the set, Calinak clarified both that the first murder was because his wife had "irritated" him and that he'd thought the second woman was after his money.

Sefer Calinak = Fickle. An arse.
 

A court is hearing the case of Finland's Antti Sakari Manselius, whose antics on board a Hong-Kong-bound Cathay Pacific flight began with clownish entertainment of other passengers. Then, he went too far. Wielding a Toblerone bar and wearing his blanket as a cape, he headed for the cockpit, making a bomb threat and demanding that the plane divert to Sochi to drop him off for the Olympics.

    Flight attendant Leung Riu-lu later recounted that the 23-year-old Finn had been non-violent but furious, making her "feel like he was trying to endanger the aircraft".

    Manselius was handcuffed and kept tied up with a spare seat belt until the flight reached its planned destination, where he was arrested. He has pleaded not guilty of disorderly conduct.

Antti Sakari Manselius = I like Russians, man! Ta-ta!
 

Robert C. Williams robbed a bank, badly. According to the Baltimore Sun, this 42-year-old Laurel, Maryland, man managed to drop the roughly 28,000 euros' worth of cash on the floor. It took him a while to scoop the money into an umbrella that he found on the floor of the bank. He did then manage to leave the premises but promptly fell on the ice outside, giving himself a gash in the head. The delays caught up with him shortly after he reached his getaway car, and Williams was arrested.

Robert C. Williams = Crime's "rob at will".
Robert Williams = Will I be smart, or ...?
 

The arrest report for Florida's Alberto Moreno states that the 45-year-old was going "so fast that a speed was unable to be determined". Once officers were able to stop his truck, he explained that he'd started his drive after drinking six beers at his home. This might explain why he bore the scent of alcohol and was wearing his shirt inside out and backwards. Asked to perform field sobriety tests, he fell out of the vehicle, but he was eventually determined to be officially drunk and was arrested on that basis.

    But where was he headed in such a hurry? The arrest report again provides the answer: he explained "that he was on his way to kill his friend for screwing him over earlier that day".

Alberto Moreno = Beer-a-lot moron
 

Te'Mon Molley, 18, showed up at the Hamilton Township, New Jersey, courthouse with two friends in tow. All three reeked of marijuana, according to court officers, who promptly searched Molley. He was carrying a wad of cash and 43 bags of heroin. For possession of the drug with intent to distribute, another court date has been set.

Given how often such news stories are appearing, he should have known to stick with legal drugs:
Te'Mon Molley = Memo: Tylenol!
 

According to The New York Post, Brooklyn police officer Delfin Lantigua is in trouble, accused of offering to speed along the paperwork for women applying to work at the New York Police Department – for a price. One applicant reported the 34-year-old Lantigua after meeting him at a restaurant, where, she claims, he'd asked for her underwear as part of the deal. Investigators later found three pairs of women's undies in his locker at the police department. Other women have come forward since, saying that Lantigua had asked for $1,000 and unlimited sexual access in exchange for expediting their application process.

He's probably only done what so many people in his position merely dream of doing:
Delfin Lantigua = Flaunting ideal!
 

In Dublin, Saverio Bellante entered an argument with his landlord over a move in their year-long chess game. The argument ended with Bellante, 34, stabbing and killing Tom O'Gorman, 29. The body ended up in still worse shape when Bellante tried to eat his landlord's heart, and a lung has yet to be located.

Saverio Bellante = Violent. Real base.
Saverio Bellante = Label sin "overeat"?
 

California's Ruben Diego Ortega took a quick nap and then got in trouble: A Santa Ana man woke to find the 20-year-old Ortega snoozing at the foot of his bed. After waking Ortega and chasing him from the home, the man determined that mobile phones and a gaming console had run off too. He knew Ortega, though, so he simply visited the latter's home and recovered his property. The police report that, after being arrested, Ortega "said he was crawling out of the house with the property and must have fallen asleep".

Ruben Diego Ortega = Bed-region outrage.
 

Houston, Texas, firefighter Craig Moreau and his wife were driving home when they saw a lorry by the side of the road, with flames coming from the rear brakes. They pulled over to help the driver, who was having little success with a small hand-held extinguisher.

    Moreau then asked the lorry driver what his cargo was. The answer "Beer, it's all beer!" came just as one of the tyres exploded. Moreau told the driver to hand him Coors cans as quickly as he could. He recalls: "I shook them up and popped a top one at a time until the fire was out and the brakes were cool." As for any waste involved, Moreau reports that he prefers dark beer.

Houston, Texas, firefighter Craig Moreau
= Urge "A Coors – that foam fire-extinguisher!"

Craig Moreau = Cue rig aroma
 

After a 66-year-old Arizona man's heart procedure, a nurse found the patient's wife, 65-year-old retired nurse Rose Mary Vogel, handling his intravenous drip. The brown substance then discovered in the man's IV line was found to be faecal matter matching an empty syringe in Vogel's handbag. She was carrying two further syringes, whose contents weren't immediately obvious. Her husband is expected to recover. No motive has yet been cited.

This may or may not fit her personality, but it surely ought to:
Rose Mary Vogel = Gravely morose
 

Tom Wagner took a nap on a flight from Louisiana to Texas. His plan was to catch a connecting flight to California. When he awoke, however, it was dark, the ExpressJet plane had long since landed, and there was no-one else aboard. He rang his girlfriend to report that he was locked inside the craft; nevertheless, he was released only when ground crew began servicing the aeroplane. Airline spokeswoman Samantha Harrison said that ExpressJet are investigating how the flight crew managed to miss Wagner when conducting their sweeps of the plane.

Tom Wagner = Wrong, mate!
 

Fernando Caignet Aguilera was sleeping in a Miami park when he spied an alligator. He decided that it would be a good idea to put the metre-plus animal into a box and offer it to the staff of a nearby convenience store in exchange for a 12-pack of beer. While an undeterred Aguilera was attempting to sell the alligator to customers outside, the clerk rang the police. The alligator has been relocated, and Aguilera is in trouble with the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission.

Fernando Caignet Aguilera = Lad in a "Genuine gator!" farce
 

From 2013

Court documents in New Mexico indicate that Marlene Tapia was strip-searched after police officer Blanca Zapater ascertained that Tapia had violated the terms of her probation. During the search, Zapater spotted a plastic bag protruding from Tapia's vagina. Zapater is accused of then using pepper spray on said vagina, twice.

    A lawsuit filed on Tapia's behalf by the American Civil Liberties Union states: "Spraying Ms. Tapia on the genitals would not cause the baggy to become dislodged." It did, however, allegedly cause her several weeks of painful urination and other symptoms, and it led to disciplinary action against Zapater.

I guess we should be glad things didn't escalate:
Marlene Tapia = Anal rape time?
 

No, this won't be "Skits! Clap!". Let's hope it's not closer to a sick splat.

    Maurice Owens reported slipping on a banana peel in a lift at a Washington Metropolitan Area Transit Authority station. After he fell, apparently suffering intense pain to the hip and leg, he was taken to hospital. He later filed a claim for $15,000 in compensation. However, security footage shows that there was no banana peel in the lift before Owens arrived on the scene, so his claim was not honoured. Owens has been charged with second-degree fraud.

Maurice Owens
= Unwiser cameo
= ...Or "cue wise man"
 

On his wedding day, Liverpool's Neil McArdle, 36, rang in a bomb threat to St George's Hall from a telephone box. After his arrest later in the day, he explained that the hoax call had been an attempt to cover for having forgotten to fill out the paperwork for booking the hall as the wedding venue.

    The results of his action included a 12-month jail term and his fiancee having to wait in the street in her wedding gown while the building was evacuated and searched. The couple are still together.

Neil McArdle
= End all crime!
= Mr "I need call"
 

According to a police report from Mount Hope, New York, a woman was tending to her mobile phone while driving and ended up in a collision. More precisely, 21-year-old Daisy Cowit drove into a line of 50 dairy cows that were crossing the road between the two parts of Mike Hosking's farm. Her Jeep struck six of the bovines and narrowly missed farm workers who were frantically motioning for her to stop. According to a witness, one cow flew about 1.5 metres into the air.

    Hosking said that salt was rubbed into his wounds by the person who came to collect Cowit asking why there was so much fuss over a few injured cows. Hosking said: "I think more of those cows than I do of some people."

    Three of the animals underwent emergency surgery, and Cowit has been charged with reckless driving, among other offences.

Since "It is Cow Day" is a bit too obvious, how about this?:
Daisy Cowit = 'Twas idiocy.
 

A Loganville, Georgia, police officer caught Rachel Gossett, 25, and Frank Lucas, 27, engaged in sexual intercourse in a pickup truck in the car park of a Waffle House. According to Officer Joshua Brickle, Gossett dismounted Lucas and then just sat in the passenger's seat until, after being told several times to get dressed and present identification, she finally made to clothe herself – "she attempted to put a cheeseburger on her foot as if it were a sandal". Both she and Lucas were determined to be quite intoxicated.

Frank Lucas. Rachel Gossett = Strange fuckers clash a lot.

A previous scene explains where her sandal went:
Put a cheeseburger on her foot   =   Beer + hunger = opt for a shoe? Cute.
 

Sweden's The Local reports on a family in the western town of Strómstad whose attempts to assemble flat-pack furniture from Ikea awoke their child at about 1am. Hearing the screaming child and accompanying banging noises, neighbours contacted the police.

    Meanwhile in Stockholm, the police reported on another case in which neighbours reported loud screaming to the cops: "It turned out to be a young couple in a toothpaste war. Not a crime."

Unsure, I fear kit:
Ikea's furniture
 

Romildo da Silva has been suspended for 24 matches and given a fine for making two vital saves for Brazil's Aparecidense football club near the end of a fourth-division match. The reason he got in trouble is that he is the club's masseur and wasn't supposed to be on the field.

    That day's rival team, Tupi, replaced Aparecidense in the quarter finals. Aparecidense club officials say they are appealing the decision.

Romildo da Silva = I'm odd savior, all!

His plan:
I doom rival lads.
 

Kelli Belpedio alleges that she was hugged by Epic Restaurant doorman Schyler Truesdell upon entering the establishment and awoke the next morning to find that her right breast implant had deflated. In her lawsuit against the restaurant, its owners, and former college-level American football player Truesdell, Belpedio states that staff should have made it clear during training that "doorman duties and policies at Epic Restaurant did not include bear hugging customers". She is seeking the equivalent of about 67,500 euros in damages.

Doorman Schyler Truesdell ~ mulled on lady's chest error.
You can parse that whichever way matches your view of who was at fault – the busty broad or the brawny buster.

Epic Restaurant = Prurience & tatas.
 

Rakhima Ganieva, 18, was listed as a contestant in 2013's Miss World competition, representing Uzbekistan. However, it then emerged that there was no national beauty contest in Uzbekistan, and the Uzbek Culture and Sports Ministry had not heard of her. A red flag had been thrown up by her contradictory claims about her university qualifications. At the time of my reporting at the time, however, Ganieva was still listed as Miss Uzbekistan on the missworld.com site.

    Zhavlon Komolov, speaking for the modelling agency that formerly represented Ganieva, said: "If there had been a process to choose a young lady for this competition, I can assure you that a much more beautiful model would have been chosen."

Rakhima Ganieva  =  Hark – a vain image!
 

Terry Ragland, 55, who visited a new physician because of her back pain, has filed a complaint with the Tennessee Department of Health about the diagnosis he supplied to her. Dr Timothy Sweo clarified thus: "What I was trying to explain to that patient is that she has lumbar lordosis, which is a fancy name for the curve of the lower spine that makes the buttocks protrude more. In trying to explain that, I said that she had ghetto booty and she didn't like that apparently."

Timothy Sweo = Me oh so witty!
 

Text messages led authorities to believe that Florida's Michael and Tracy Arnold had just had an argument when Michael, 36, left the martial home without her, on his all-terrain vehicle. A short while later, the 40-year-old Tracy headed out on her dirt bike to look for him. They ended up in a nearly head-on collision on a nearby road, and both died at the scene of the accident. Neither was wearing a helmet.

The couple Michael & Tracy Arnold:
"I'd accept a local hurry & no helmet"
 

An extreme backyard sport has claimed another life: in Panguitch, Utah, nine-year-old Oaklee Sidwell was playing on a trampoline when she sat down to put her shoes on. A large gust of wind lifted the anchored trampoline from the ground – sending it, and Sidwell, about 50 metres. She died of her injuries while being treated at a Salt Lake City hospital.

Also killed: wee ~ Oaklee Sidwell.
 

Davey Orgill is a wedding photographer who wanted to offer a Wyoming couple some unique memories, thanks to a remotely controlled helicopter equipped with a GoPro camera. Guests' videos of the pre-wedding photo shoot feature Orgill's DJI Phantom Quadcopter hitting the bridegroom-to-be in the face. He was left with a cut to his cheek and the side of his head.

    Orgill concludes: "I did practice a lot, probably not enough."

We all know that, deep down, he bought the 'copter for mischief:
Davey Orgill = Goal: devilry!
The result, however, might be this sort of future:
Davey Orgill = Grovel daily.
 

As presented by the Public Safety Department of Maranhão, Brazil, the problems started when referee Otavio da Silva told football player Josenir dos Santos Abreu that he would have to sit out the rest of a match. Things escalated to fisticuffs, and the referee ended up stabbing Abreu with a knife. While Abreu was dying en route to hospital, his friends and relatives "rushed into the field, stoned the referee to death and quartered his body", according to local media. Apparently, Silva's head earned pride of place, on a stake in the middle of the field.

Josenir dos Santos Abreu = Bad season injures torso.
 

Pennsylvania estate agent Andrea Straub, 34, used to sell multi-million-dollar homes. However, she was dismissed from her job after she and her husband were accused of trying to stop her hospitalised neighbours from selling their house, through vandalism. The neighbours' caretaker installed a security camera, which allegedly captured the couple knocking over "For Sale" signs, cutting branches from trees on the next-door property, stealing leaflets, and leaving dead snakes and mice on the driveway.

    The couple initially confessed, but their attorney then claimed that the people in the footage are not recognisable and that the charges are "horrible falsities".

Andrea Straub ~ turns area bad.
Andrea Straub = Barred as a nut.
Andrea Straub   =  Darn – rat abuse!
 

Florida's Edward Zipperer, 47, was looking for missing macaroni and cheese in the home he shared with brother Randy, 49. In this argument-laden search, he knocked over Randy's beer.

    So the elder Zipperer stabbed the younger one in the stomach. Randy later told Volusia County sheriff's officers that he'd just "poked him a little with the knife" and hadn't meant to cause injury. Randy still faces a charge of aggravated battery.

Randy and Edward Zipperer:
Zany; warped; and, er, drip red
 

A man directing traffic at a New Jersey bus lot was regularly intoxicated while on the job. However, he couldnn't exactly be fired, since – the New Jersey Transit vest notwithstanding – he didn't actually have a job. The man, self-described homeless alcoholic Hector Santiago, explained that the New Jersey Transit worker at the lot, sometimes seen sleeping in a bus, had been paying him to direct traffic. That other worker, Max Caramas, later stated that he'd only wanted to help Santiago.

    New Jersey Transit officials report that they are investigating the case.

Hector Santiago = Cash negotiator
 

Waking to find that her car was missing, Virginia Maiden nonetheless made it to the Kennewick, Washington, McDonald's restaurant where she works. At the drive-through window later in the day, she saw a familiar-looking 1995 Toyota pull up. Maiden rang the police, who arrested the driver, Katherine A. York, 22, at the exit to the drive-through lane. Besides a hungry York, the car contained what police termed a "large amount" of clothing with security tags from several department stores.

Virginia Maiden = I'm in Drive again.
 

Police report that Minnesota's Michael Schaeffer skipped out on an estimated $100,000 of medical bills at St Cloud Hospital after explaining that he would pay the full amount later, and that he was Pink Floyd's Dave Gilmour. His story fell apart after he checked out of the facility. Four days later, he returned to the hospital for further treatment, again claiming to be the singer-guitarist, whereupon he was arrested.

Imposter Michael Schaeffer
= Fame? Riches? Halo's imperfect.
= Free-hospital crime. Cf. "shame".
= Fee schemer & hospital-firm cheat.
 

The New York Post reports on a fight between a brother and sister who share a home. Howard Meltzer, 67, said that there had been a full roll of toilet paper in the morning but by later in the day Bernice Meltzer, 72, had "unloaded a whole roll and left just a little, and when I looked up to the reserve, it wasn't there".

    Determining that she had taken the roll into her room, he commenced banging on the door. In the five hours that followed, he begged a grocery store to deliver two packs of Charmin and he warned his sister that he would call the police if the roll weren't back by 1:00am. She returned it at about midnight but rang the police herself, to complain about her brother haranguing her.

    Both have been charged with violation of a protection order.

Howard Meltzer and sister Bernice
= Let's remind: two crazed brains here!
= Be odder: zaniest Charmin-wrestler!
 

Maryangela Tobin is a Massachusetts woman who received three kilos of marijuana by FedEx. She opened the package in the belief that it was a birthday gift for her daughter – a box containing pixie sticks, candles, peppermint, and what appeared at first glance to be potpourri. Further inspection revealed its true nature.

    About an hour later, Tobin says, an unfamiliar man knocked on her door and enquired after his waylaid delivery while two other men waited in a vehicle in her driveway. She told him she didn't have a package. Ultimately, she opted to sue FedEx for giving out her address in breach of state privacy laws and, by so doing, endangering her and her children.

Maryangela Tobin
= Any "Bong Rate" mail?
= Botany-mail anger.
 

In Florida, 62-year-old Carolyn Dukeshire pleaded guilty to the second-degree murder of her neighbour, 64-year-old Martin Mazur. Dukeshire approached Mazur outside the latter's home and asked him for a can of Busch Light beer. When Mazur replied: "I have absolutely nothing for you", she shot him five times.

    Dukeshire has been sentenced to 30 years in prison. She says she will pay for the rest of her life for losing her composure.

Florida's Carolyn Dukeshire ~ says "A refilled drink or 'OUCH!'"
Florida's Carolyn Dukeshire = Lady refuels: "I drink or ... chaos!"
 

A case of pocket-dialling the emergency services occurred in Molalla, Oregon. This was one of those cases in which the dispatcher heard the inadvertent caller discuss a drugs deal. Officers quickly converged on the location, roughly a block from the police station. When cornered, the suspects told the officer that they didn't have a mobile phone. The officer responded loudly, and the dispatcher reported being able to hear him in the ongoing 911 call.

    Drugs and the phone were found in short order. Raleigh Reynolds and Dana Lucht, both 25, were assigned a court date.

Raleigh Reynolds & Dana Lucht
= Arse-call & handy drug hotline!
 

In the space of a year and a half, vandals keyed several cars on Stevie Davis's used-car lots in Warwick, Rhode Island, enough vehicles that the owner of Airport Auto Body Shop, which has handled most of the repair work, volunteered "somebody don't like you". The identity of "somebody" became clear after a $7,500 repair bill prompted Davis to install security cameras. The miscreant was 72-year-old Anthony Lombardi, who owns the above-mentioned repair shop.

Anthony Lombardi
= Handyman: "I rob lot"
= "My brain and hand tool..."
 

The BBC reports that Stephen Graham, who taught at the architecture department of Newcastle University, pleaded guilty to using a screwdriver to carve graffiti into the paint jobs of luxury cars. During these acts, he was wearing only a suit jacket and underpants. After these acts, a Mercedes, an Audi, and 25 other vehicles wore words such as "very silly" and "arbitrary". Graham, who told Newcastle Crown Court that he had drunk alcohol while on medication and didn't remember doing any of this, has been ordered to pay a little under 30,000 pounds in compensation.

Newcastle University's Professor of Cities and Society Stephen Graham
= See, al fresco in the main, I've written petty, goofy phrases on cars. Discuss.
 

Pennsylvania's Timothy Bonner was arrested on charges of assault and was placed in a holding cell. Officers say that Bonner, 40, kept abusing the cell door and managed to knock it off its hinges and escape the facility.

    Bonner's first stop was at a nearby house, where he borrowed a pair of shoes. He was now attired appropriately to be served at the neighbouring bar, Richy's. There, he announced to patrons that he had just broken out of the jail and needed a beer. The customer who then bought a beer for Bonner later said: "He didn't even get to take a drink of it [...]. He was only here a few minutes before police showed up."

Inmate Timothy Bonner of Pennsylvania
= "Info, men: Ninny's only aim: path to beer vat."
 

Florida's Shirley Ann Duncan told members of the Community Life Center Church about her four sons, all military men who died in the Middle East. Her heart-rending story netted her more than $1,000 in cash and donations. But Duncan, 49, has only two sons, both of them alive and only one of them, Nicanol Collazo, in the military.

    When the church requested photographs of her sons for a memorial service, Duncan used random images from the Internet but also photos of Collazo in uniform, from his Facebook page. Collazo reported the news of his death and his non-existent brothers' to the authorities.

    For evidence of the deaths, Duncan produced a letter ostensibly signed by Adjutant General James A. Ulio, who died in 1958. She has confessed to the fraud and was arrested on charges of "scheme to defraud" and criminal use of personal identification information.

Florida's Shirley Ann Duncan goes to church
= Gal's hurtful chicanery – no dead sons. Rich, no?
 

In Norfolk, Virginia, a caller to the emergency services reported seeing a baby lion walking down the street. The Virginia Zoo assured officers that both of its lions were still in custody, but someone was sent to investigate the sighting for safety's sake. The cause of the call turned out to be a three-year-old labradoodle whose owner, Daniel Painter, had shaven him to resemble an area university's lion mascot. Painter says that police have told him several times about the issues that the dog creates, and that members of the public have fled in fear before.

Daniel Painter's dog  =  Grand idea – pet lions!
 

An employee of the US Social Security Administration was reprimanded for creating a hostile work environment at the Baltimore office by continuously "passing gas and releasing an unpleasant odor". Over the space of about 12 weeks, co-workers had on 60 occasions complained about the 38-year-old man passing gas.

    Speaking for the agency, Dorothy Clark said: "When senior management became aware of the reprimand it was immediately rescinded."

"Releasing an unpleasant odor" ~ and a sour anti-personnel gale!
"Releasing an unpleasant odor" = Rude gas line to an anal person.
 

Archie Malone, 37, and his 16-year-old son Artavious B. Malone happened to be in Tiny's Liquor at the same time. Apparently still upset about his father having sent him to a juvenile-detention facility some years earlier, the younger Malone jostled the elder. The father responded with a punch in the face, so his son left the store and waited with a gun. When Archie emerged, Artavious fired off a few rounds, none of which found its mark as his father ran down the street.

    Artavious is charged with attempted murder and illegal possession of a firearm. He claims that he heard the shots being fired at his father but wasn't the source of the shell casings that officers found.

Artavious B. Malone
= Evaluation's "Rambo?!".
= Alive but as a moron.
 

At a pizza parlour in St Petersburg, Florida, 49-year-old Randall White began yelling at workers for being slow to prepare his food. Another customer, Michael Jock, 52, took him to task. White shoved Jock and raised his fist, so Jock raised his .38 Taurus Ultralight Special Revolver. He discharged it, hitting White in the lower torso. In the struggle that followed, he was shot again, in roughly the same place, while another bullet lodged in a wall. Then the two men went outside and waited for the police to arrive.

    Jock claimed that the shooting was justified under the state's "stand your ground" law, since he'd feared for his life. Police spokesman Mike Puetz said: "He felt he was in his rights. He brought it up specifically and cited it to the officer"; however, "[w]e determined it did not reach a level where deadly force was required". White is still angry but now for different reasons.

Randall White
= Ah, tell Darwin...
= "I end all wrath."
= I'd warn "Lethal!"
 

From 2012

The man responsible for collecting rubbish in the car park of the Ormond Beach, Florida, Walmart found it hard to keep up with a woman who was littering while driving around in circles. When police arrived, they determined that the woman, a drunken Deborah Brinkman, had been defecating on paper towels and then throwing them from the window of the car. When confronted by Deputy Alfonso Dillard, she tried to run him over, but she eventually was subject to arrest, albeit after damaging three patrol cars.

    A week earlier too, she had been arrested for fleeing from officers, that time waving at them as she drove off.

Deborah Brinkman  =   Mr Hankie – born bad!
 

The BBC reports that Australia's Michael Newman was ejected from a pub in the town of Broome for being overly intoxicated. It was then that he came up with the idea of climbing into a crocodile enclosure and riding one of the reptiles. Newman, 36, did manage to board a five-metre-long specimen named Fatso before losing a few chunks of flesh. He is recovering in hospital, after surgery for serious wounds to his leg.

Michael Newman = Chew man in meal
 

Reuters reports that Oldham's Donald Junior Green reached into his pockets for a bag of chewy sweets to give to the three children at his door on Halloween and sent the children on their way with treats. He then reached into his pockets for a treat for himself – the drugs he had bought earlier. Finding chewy sweets instead of a sack of eight bags of cocaine, he scoured the streets on foot and then by car, trying to find the children, aged five, six, and eight.

    Green, 23, didn't find the children. Once their father found the drugs, however, his co-workers – other police officers – found Green, who soon was ordered to perform 130 hours of community service.

Donald Junior Green = One drug nerd. No jail.
 

Holly Solomon is a 28-year-old Arizona woman who was angered by the re-election of US President Barack Obama. Several days after the election, she became especially angry that her husband, Daniel, hadn't voted. Although her state's electoral votes had gone to Mitt Romney anyway, she figured it was worth making an issue of this, so she chased him in the family car and ran over him. He was taken to a local hospital, where he was listed as in critical condition but expected to survive.

Now that the cameras have stopped rolling, Holly Solomon has had time to formulate her response:
"Oh my!", loon LOLs.
 

Police in Gainesville, Florida, say that 22-year-old Marine Corps veteran Christopher Dabney became upset by someone's Halloween costume at a local restaurant. A tutu-wearing Dabney took issue with the idea of someone dressing up as a disabled veteran, so he hit the man, 35-year-old Daniel Priotti, twice, knocking him out of his wheelchair. Priotti, a former Marine himself, wasn't wearing a costume. Dabney has been arrested for abuse of the disabled.

PR: Yes, man in chair bothered ~ marine Christopher Dabney.
 

In 1993, financially troubled bank manager Otto Neuman stole cash and gold bars from an Erste Bank in Vienna while two accomplices staged a fake robbery there. Neuman's solicitor has confirmed that court officials contacted him to report that the cash recovered at the time – which had been held by the Austrian Justice Ministry for the last 19 years – was to be given to Neuman.

    The bank explained that it has no claim to the money, since the insurance company had provided full compensation. The insurers, in turn, reported that the recovered gold given to them after settlement of the claim had risen enough in value to offset the full amount paid out.

    The money, about 60,000 euros, was transferred to a somewhat surprised Neuman.

Otto Neuman = Note amount!
 

Britain's Steve Perkins is a senior broker with PVM Oil Futures. A Financial Services Authority investigation revealed that he woke up one morning in 2009 to an administrative clerk at the company asking him why he'd bought seven million barrels of crude oil overnight – between 1:22 and 3:41am, he had incrementally bought up 69% of the global oil-futures market, for about 350 million euros. He had no recollection of doing so but admitted that he has a drinking problem and sometimes suffers blackouts.

    PVM's losses ran into the millions, while Perkins was fined roughly 80,000 euros and had his trading licence revoked for five years. The FSA noted that "Mr Perkins poses an extreme risk to the market when drunk".

Steve Perkins with alcohol
~ thinks "We crave oil." He plots:
~ "OK, let's invest while... Oh, crap."
 

New York bar-owner David Kelleran, 51, was warned that his cheque for renewal of the state liquor licence for his restaurant, called 68, had bounced and that he had 10 days to make acceptable payment. He claims in a lawsuit that, before that time was up, police arrested him at his flat for selling alcoholic drinks without a licence. While he was in jail for the night, he alleges, officers visited Coco66, the properly licensed pub he owns next door to the restaurant, and proceeded to pour all of the premises' wine, beer, and spirits down a drain. Both the bar and the restaurant have remained closed since the incident.

David Kelleran = Devil drank ale!

Was some of the alcohol waylaid before flowing into the bowels of the earth?:

The New York publican David Kelleran
vs.
The cop invariably drunk all weekend
 

The casino Golden Nugget Atlantic City worked out that something was up after 14 gamblers managed to win more than $1.5 million in total from 41 consecutive winning hands of baccarat. The casino sent in security teams to discover how the guests were cheating. It turned out that eight decks of cards hadn't been pre-shuffled, and the same sequence of cards kept repeating.

    The casino is suing the gamblers, claiming that the games weren't valid: state regulations require all casino games to offer fair odds.

The Golden Nugget casino, in Atlantic City
= Citing lad as (innocently) cheating, "Get out!"
 

Thanks to having worn dental braces, Devin Bost has straight teeth. However, those are largely rotten teeth. The 22-year-old Oregon man is suing orthodontist Brad Chvatal for leaving the braces on for 11 years. Several of the teeth can be replaced at least. Bost's solicitor summarised: "We aren't really sure what happened."

Devin Bost's dental care = Old-braces sin -> vendetta.
 

A dead body was found in a hearse in Beverly Hills. The unusual part is that this corpse was in the driver's seat. According to police lieutenant Lincoln Hoshino, the driver, 59-year-old Garlandine Garvin, seems to have died of natural causes while transporting a body to a funeral.

Garlandine Garvin
= Align in grave. Darn.
...and angel arriving.
 

Shropshire's Ian Poulton, 33, had something tucked into the waistband of his trousers. Some of his neighbours in Telford rang the emergency services in a panic, claiming that it was a pistol and that he had been waving said firearm around. He was soon accosted in the street by 15 armed officers in bulletproof vests, plus a dog unit. Upon his arrest, it became clear what the item was; as one resident put it, "he was screaming to his girlfriend to hand over the dildo". In court, Poulton admitted that he had intended to cause fear of violence by means of the silver sex toy.

    His neighbours later complained about the rather more real display of weapons they had witnessed as armed "Robocops" ran down the street.

Ian Poulton scared Telford.
= Let cops run on, after a dildo.
 

Vermont's Roger Pion was arrested for possession of marijuana and resisting arrest. Perhaps not content with his punishment, he decided to vent his anger at the sheriff's department and thereby collect 14 more charges. Pion, 34, drove a large farm tractor into the sheriff's department car park and rolled it over a few cruisers and an innocent transport van.

    With none of their seven vehicles intact, sheriff's officers pursued Pion on foot, until he attempted to back over them too. Although they retreated, tractors aren't the fastest of escape vehicles, and state police soon had the piece of farm machinery surrounded. The most serious of the charges against Pion carries a penalty of up to 16 years in prison.

Roger Pion's tractor
...Or cops' giant terror
 

While driving his truck in Texas, 21-year-old university student Chance Bothe sent the text message "I need to quit texting because I could die in a car accident". He followed up with another message – "b right there" – sent just as he veered off a bridge, ending up in a ravine. He sustained brain injury and a fractured skull, was resuscitated three times, and suffered breaks to numerous bones (including his neck). A six-month hospital stay later, I was able to report that Chance might soon visit his friend at last.

Texas student Chance Ryan Bothe
= You send a text, then crash? Can't be!
 

In Canada, police officer Jim Brown is the subject of an investigation into possible misconduct in connection with images on a sexual-fetish social-networking Web site. Brown, who goes by the name "Kilted Knight" on the bondage and discipline site, is featured naked in RCMP riding boots as he pretends to carry out violent crimes of the sort he had been responsible for investigating, such as a knife attack on a bound, naked woman. Brown was been assigned administrative duties for the duration of an internal and external investigation both.

Jim Brown is "the Kilted Knight"
= Hitter's mingled kink with job.

And on a related note:
Bondage and discipline
= Nailing bad cops, indeed.
= As in police bedding and...
 

Catherine Venusto used to work as a secretary for the school district where her two children attended classes in Pennsylvania. While there, she used a boss's computer password to change her daughter's failing mark in one of her classes to an "M" (for "medical exception"). Her son wasn't left out: his 98% was changed to a 99%.

    The 45-year-old Venusto, who is accused of using the login credentials more than 100 times to access the school district's online marking system, claims that she knew her actions weren't ethical but that she thought they were legal.

Catherine Venusto:   A touch intervenes.
 

Canadian hunter Dale Whitmell was camping near a lake when he encountered a mouse. Whitmell, 40, decided to kill it with the butt of his rifle. He managed to discharge the weapon in so doing. The bullet grazed his forehead. Whitmell, who is being charged with careless use of a firearm. later said that he didn't know the weapon was loaded.

Dale Whitmell = Wield them all!
 

In the US state of Georgia, 36-year-old William Bonner rang the police to report that attackers had set his head on fire. He changed his story after surveillance-camera footage emerged. According to police lieutenant Blaise Dresser, the man had bet his friends that his face could be set on fire. He'd encouraged them to douse his head with Bacardi 151 and set it alight, and this worked on the second try. Bonner, having won the bet, had companions at one of the tables extinguish the flames with other liquids.

    After his release from hospital, where he was listed as in critical condition, he was let off the hook by police, who said that, since he had suffered enough, he was not to be charged with a crime.

William Bonner = Well, I'm no-brain.
"I win!" label on Mr ~ William Bonner
William Bonner = Me now ill in bar.
 

A Utah juvenile-court judge found 13-year-old Kaytlen Lopan and her 11-year-old friend guilty of endearing themselves to a three-year-old girl at a McDonald's restaurant and then using scissors to "cut several inches of hair from her head". Judge Scott Johansen offered to reduce the older girl's community-service sentence from 276 to 126 hours if Lopan's mother, Valerie Bruno, would agree to snip off Lopan's ponytail in court. When Bruno proved timid with the judge's scissors, the three-year-old's mother told her to go "all the way to the rubber band". Lopan's friend agreed to a similar option.

    Bruno has filed a formal complaint against Johansen. She said that her daughter "definitely needed to be punished for what had happened, but I never dreamt it would be that much of a punishment".

Kaytlen Lopan's hair = Ah, ponytail rankles!
 

New Jersey's Lauren Odes was hired to perform temporary work such as data entry and preparations for shipping at a New York lingerie warehouse.

    The job ended up being quite temporary: she was sacked after a week because her bosses deemed her manner of dress too provocative for the workplace. At one point, she was asked to wear a bathrobe over her dress, and she claims that she was also told that her breasts should be taped down so as to appear smaller.

    The 29-year-old Odes has filed suit on grounds of gender and religious discrimination on the part of Native Intimates, which is run by Orthodox Jews. She said that her wardrobe was a good match for a company that sells "thongs with hearts placed in the female genital area and boy shorts for women that say 'hot' in the buttocks area".

Lauren Odes
= A nude loser   (Well, near enough)
= Sneer aloud
 

A parks officer in Ramsey, Minnesota, found Alan Petrusson blindfolded and tied between two trees in a public park. The 50-year-old's genitals were exposed. When the police arrived, Petrusson was gone. Only his sling and rope remained, along with his car and the pornographic materials within. As officers were preparing to tow the car, Petrusson appeared and explained his attempt to engineer anonymous sex by tying himself up. According to Police Chief Jim Way, Petrusson could face a charge of indecent exposure.

Alan Petrusson
= Ropes... Anal... Nuts!
= Neat plan sours.
 

Florida's Belinda and Paul Berloni were arrested after taking their seven-year-old grand-daughter for a ride. The way in which they did it was a problem: according to police, they used their SUV to pull a "small plastic Hot Wheels car" along a road at 8-15 kilometres an hour, with the towing mechanism consisting of two dog leads attached to the trailer hitch. Also worthy of police note was that the girl was wearing just a swimming costume and that both adults were intoxicated.

    When asked for his driver's licence, Paul Berloni explained that he didn't have one: it had been revoked in connection with an alcohol- and vehicle-related offence.

Belinda and Paul Berloni
= Add label: no-brain lineup.
 

Former Royal Marine Rhys Owen Jones, 21, and bricklayer Keri Mules, 20, were heavily intoxicated when at Sea World in Queensland, Australia. So it seemed like a good idea to release a fire-extinguisher in the shark tank and then steal a penguin. They posted photos on Facebook, which led a friend to contact the police.

    The next morning, they later explained, they found a penguin in their room and didn't remember what had happened. They placed the bird in the shower and fed it bread while working out what to do. Their solution was to release Dirk the fairy penguin into a nearby shark-infested canal. A member of the public saw Dirk under a jetty pylon and rang Sea World.

    In court, Magistrate Brian Kucks agreed not to record a conviction for trespass, stealing, and keeping a protected animal. He fined the Welshmen the equivalent of 600 euros each.

Huge drink. Inept, ~ pureed thinking: ~ "Night run! I'd keep
~ Dirk the Penguin!"
 

Melissa Dean told her primary-school students to make 27 greeting cards for "people who did not have a home or did not feel well". They did so, and she sent the cards to her boyfriend, who had been jailed for weapons offences after having plea-bargained away charges for possessing 27 pieces of child porn. The package of cards included at least two children's home addresses.

    Dean says of her action that she "thought it was a nice thing to do". The principal of her school deemed it "totally ridiculous, absurd" and added: "We're moving for that teacher's termination." Dean was asked to take an office job while the investigation continues.

Teacher Melissa Dean = Ad: "Here is mental case!"
Melissa Dean = Leadin' a mess
Teacher Melissa Dean ~  sees a child near – "Meat!"
 

Indiana's William Francis Blankenship was arrested on drugs charges, handcuffed, and placed in the back seat of a police cruiser. While the arresting officer searched for more drugs, the 22-year-old Blankenship somehow entered the front of the police car and drove off.

    The officer noticed his patrol vehicle heading off into the distance, and the next contact police had with it was when Blankenship used the police radio to ask where to find the cigarette lighter and how to unlock the handcuffs. The car was found abandoned, and Blankenship was arrested at a family home two days later.

William Francis Blankenship = His plan if lawmen blink is "Car!"
 

Two brothers in South Carolina were arrested for having drugs in their car. However, there was further incriminating evidence, which they wanted to eliminate. To that end, Deangelo Mitchell, 23, convinced 20-year-old brother Wayne to swallow the ounce of cocaine that had been stashed within Deangelo's anus. The younger man died shortly thereafter. Deangelo – who was freed on bond just before his brother died – is therefore wanted on charges of involuntary manslaughter.

Wayne Mitchell = Yell "Chew it, man!"
Deangelo Mitchell = Old-time challenge.
 

Joshua Devonshire made the mistake of picking the wrong clerk when trying to buy petrol with a stolen credit card. The cashier recognised the 19-year-old Devonshire as a former classmate and noticed that the name on the card was her own mother's. Devonshire fled.

    He was spotted later trying to return the stolen card to its owner's car. He was arrested after being seen sleeping in a car in the same cluster of buildings.

Joshua Devonshire = Have sojourns, hide
 

Wayne Comet Cripe did not hide a listening device under his wife's bed in order to catch her in the act. He explained that, in fact, he'd hoped to do just the opposite: the 66-year-old Pennsylvania man wanted to make sure that he didn't enter that part of the house while she was having sex with her boyfriend. Cripe, whose wife contacted the police upon finding the bug, says that the device didn't work anyway.

Woman, cite creepy ~ Wayne Comet Cripe
 

In CCTV footage, Dean Dinnen is seen entering a pub in Hull while wielding a chainsaw. Drunk and high on drugs, Dinnen wanted to get back at the man who'd had him ejected about an hour earlier for lighting a cigarette inside the hostelry.

    With the chainsaw, Dinnen severed tendons in a customer's arm and destroyed quite a few things. And Kevin Fletcher described being afraid he would die after falling over while trying to escape: "I could hear the chainsaw screaming behind me and I got the feeling he was right behind me." The locals, however, fought back and began throwing bar stools, kegs, and pool cues at the 24-year-old aggressor. They managed to overpower him.

    Dinnen pleaded guilty to an array of charges and was sentenced to three years in jail. Also, it turned out that the man he was after had already left the pub anyway.

Given that the pub was characterised as completely ruined:
Dean Dinnen ~ ended an inn.
 

A Vermont police officer was washing his car when he noticed something wrong with the 40 cm decal on the side. On account of that discovery, the Vermont Department of Corrections announced that new decals are to be produced for its squad cars. Four years prior, an artist at the relevant print shop, run by inmates at the state prison in St Albans, altered the state seal to include a pig within the spots of the cow.

The pig in the Vermont state seal
= Inmates leave test: Print the hog?
 

From 2011

A 45-year-old Tulsa, Oklahoma, woman decided that a local Walmart would be a convenient place to handle all of her chores. These included buying various cleaning and medical supplies, and using them. When workers at the store noticed her dumping various items into a large bottle she was carrying through the aisles, they summoned the police.

    One officer suffered slight burns from the mixture while he was removing both it and the woman from the Walmart. She has a police record for methamphetamine production, but none of her previous arrests were connected with attempts to synthesise it in public. Officer David Shelby said that the woman admitted that she was "in the process of trying to manufacture methamphetamine; however, she said that she was not very good at it".

Her name is Elizabeth Halfmoon. Her name anagrams to
"Oh, meth-lab-zone fail!"
 

New York's Todd J. Remis was unsatisfied with the photographs that were taken at his wedding, so he chose to sue the studio, which missed the last dance and the throwing of the bouquet, for the $4,100 cost of the photographs, plus an additional $40,000 – to redo the wedding so that proper photos can be taken.

    Remis, whose wedding took place in 2003, isn't sure where the bride is now, however. She may have moved back to Latvia after the couple divorced.

Todd Remis = Mister Odd
 

Freemon Everett Seay punished his 16-year-old daughter for trying to run away from home. The 38-year-old Washington man started by using a willow switch on her. He then engaged her in battle with wooden swords for two hours, stopping at 4am, when she could no longer stand in the armour she had been made to wear for this. The girl later sent pictures of her injuries to friends, who contacted the authorities.

    The Renaissance fair enthusiast was arrested, as was his wife, Julie May Seay, who works at the Loving and Learning Childcare Center.

Freemon Seay = Many foes 'ere.
 

According to authorities in Colorado Springs, Kevin Gaylor booked a date with a university student he'd "met" on the Web site Craigslist and then things grew complicated. His girlfriend returned home for the evening. Therefore, when the Craigslist woman arrived at his home, Gaylor rang the emergency services to report that there was a gun-wielding burglar trying to get in. Instead, it was the 24-year-old Gaylor himself who was arrested, for making a false report to authorities.

Kevin Gaylor
= Revoking lay
= Aver "Lying OK"
= Raving yokel!
 

A 30-year-old Florida woman, Oneal Ron Morris, faces charges of practising medicine without a licence after "enhancing" several women's buttocks with a variety of materials not designed for the purpose. Morris, who may have used the same procedures on herself as part of her gender readjustment, typically employed a mixture of canned flat-tyre inflater Fix-A-Flat, cement, and mineral oil. In at least one case, Morris, who posed as a medical doctor, sealed the incision with superglue, which at least does have legitimate medical applications.

    She was arrested and jailed after one victim was hospitalised with what the state department of health termed life-threatening injuries. According to Jennifer Hirst, the agency's deputy press secretary, the woman "sustained extensive disfigurement to her buttocks and scarring [and] had to undergo several blood transfusions and multiple surgeries [...] followed with home nursing care for several weeks".

Oneal Morris ~ is real moron.
 

Alexander Pratt, 59, and Clara Pearson, 53, saw a car that had been left running outside a Florida corner shop, so they decided to borrow it for a brief sexual encounter. Things might have gone better for them if the car they appropriated hadn't been in use by plain-clothes detectives at the time. The amorous couple were arrested not far away, where Pratt reported that he wasn't sorry for his actions, as he'd simply wanted to "have intimate relations with Pearson", according to a police report.

Alexander Pratt and Clara Pearson
~ are ardent. Plan: a patrol car and sex.
 

A man wearing a Spider-Man mask demanded money from clerks at a corner shop in North Carolina. His sword did not deter the cashier from poking him in the belly with a broom. At the end of the ensuing struggle, Spider-Man had no mask and no superpowers. He had also lost part of his ponytail. Spider-Man's alter-ego Dale Foughty, 56, was found at a nearby home and arrested.

Dale Foughty = Fat old guy, eh?
 

Nevada's Justin Lew Harris summoned his mother to act as a witness for his wedding. When she showed up at the church, though, she began objecting loudly to the ceremony. Therefore, the 35-year-old man carried her out of the church and back to her car. The younger Harris faces charges of disorderly conduct, possibly battery, and coercion, and Justice Tom Perkins has asked him to show respect for family members. His mother got her wish, as the wedding ended up being called off anyway, because there were no witnesses.

His case had yet to go to trial when I found this anagram:
Justin Lew Harris ~ hurts. Jailers win.
 

Child-minder Teresa Coffey collapsed while looking after a one-month-old baby in a Greenlawn, New York, home. When the baby's father returned home, he found Coffey, 39, on the sofa but could not locate the child. He soon found his son beneath Coffey. Neither had survived. Detective Lieutenant Gerard Pelkofsky later said: "Because of the amount of flesh, it could have caused the baby to suffocate" – Coffey was termed "extremely heavy".

Eye fat's force:
Teresa Coffey
 

Stuart Keen, a 57-year-old carpenter in Wantage, was cutting wood for a cabinet when he cut himself with the saw. Paramedics found him bleeding in his bathtub. Physicians were able to reattach his penis. His mother, Edna, said: "This was an unfortunate accident, but these things happen all the time to people in his profession." She nonetheless described him as "quite embarrassed".

If he plans to continue in carpentry, this prediction might end up suiting him:
Stuart Keen = Task: neuter!
 

British Columbia's Rick Gillingham visited his university hospital for a painkiller, whereupon the doctor began asking questions about his cancer. Gillingham's insistence that he doesn't have cancer was met with remarks such as "It's all right; nobody can hear our conversation", until girlfriend Charlaine MacGillivray barged into the room. She could hear the conversation and was upset that Gillingham had kept his illness a secret.

    Things grew clearer when the physician asked "if you're not the one taking the phenobarbital, who is?": MacGillivray remembered that it was the dog. A veterinarian had prescribed the medicine to ease the symptoms of canine epilepsy, and the province's PharmaNet system had no way of indicating that Gillingham and his dog were different creatures. Adding to the confusion, the prescribing vet and a prominent cancer specialist share the same name.

Canadian Rick Gillingham (and the dog Cooper)
= Chap doing good at "man hiding a killer cancer"?
 

Hunter Lacey complained that his Montana restaurant had seen a dramatic decrease in business because of its listing in the telephone directory. He explained that the problems began in 2009, with "a series of phone calls [...] where it was either people in earnest asking us to come and remove carcasses or prank calls". The listing of Bar 3 Bar-B-Q under "Animal Carcass Removal" later spread to other telephone books, and in January 2011, Jay Leno called attention to it on television. Lacey decided to file a lawsuit against the phone book's publishing company, Dex Media.

    Lacey contends that the listing represented a Dex Media employee's deliberate retaliation for Lacey's refusal to buy an advertisement from him. In a response filed with the court, Dex Media lawyer Gregory Black stated that someone from the restaurant had been negligent in berating a Dex Media employee and should have seen the potential for negative consequences.

Lacey is lucky in one respect – he is quite anagrammable:
Hunter Lacey = Lunacy there
Hunter Lacey = "Eat yer lunch!"
 

A Massachusetts man tried to return the van his wife had purchased, because it was a "lemon". The dealer refused. The van did function well enough for David Cross to visit the dealership, in New Hampshire, and plough it into six vehicles. He said: "I didn't hit a car under $20,000. Then I moved a van that they wouldn't come down on the price for." When the van would no longer move, Cross flagged down a police officer and reported what he'd done.

David Cross ~ is odd vs. car.
 

Walter Powell, 52, used to be director of IT for Baltimore Substance Abuse Systems. When he was sacked, in late 2009, his password remained active, which allowed him to forward some workers' e-mail messages to other employees, send a company-wide e-mail from CEO Greg Warren's account, and adjust a presentation Warren was giving before a board composed of city officials and foundation heads. The Baltimore Sun described the last of these interventions thus: "Suddenly his computer shut down, then restarted, replacing the latest slide with an image of a naked woman onto a 64-inch screen."

    Powell's sentence for the porn stunt is three years of probation and 100 hours of community service. The guns and materials for homemade silencers that police found in a search of his home have netted him federal charges.

Tell law, "power  =   Walter Powell."
And a less BOFHly alternative:
Walter C. Powell   =   wow.all-erect.pl
 

When a woman at a yoga festival in Boulder, Colorado, noticed "movement in the tank" of a portaloo, she asked a nearby man to have a look. He reported that someone covered in tarpaulin was inside. At this point, excreta-covered Luke Ivan Chrisco, 30, fled the scene, evading a festival security officer.

    He was arrested while panhandling about a week later, and an officer noticed his similarity to the toilet suspect. Chrisco later said, from jail: "It seems terrible, but it didn't actually smell that bad or anything. [...] I still would have done it even if it smelled a little weird, because where there is muck, there is gold." He admitted to spying on as many as 200 women. The police have contacted business-owners so that they can seal the various peepholes that he'd created.

Luke Chrisco = Oh, sick! Cruel!
Luke I. Chrisco = Choice's "I lurk."
 

According to AFP reports, 53-year-old paroled sex offender Isabel Chavelo Gutierrez rode his bicycle to a rural Texas home, broke in, produced a knife, and started raping the 77-year-old resident. The elderly woman later stated that Gutierrez complained during the rape that he felt ill and stopped having sex with her so that he could rest.

    Shortly thereafter, he rolled over and died. Believing Gutierrez had passed out drunk, she left in haste. Investigators believe he suffered a heart attack related to his bike ride on a hot summer day.

Isabel Chavelo Gutierrez = Geezer's behaviour: act ill...
Mister Isabel Chavelo Gutierrez = Let's Archive Bizarre Eulogies^TM
 

Near the start of the year, Bank of America sent foreclosure papers to a Florida couple who didn't owe anything whatsoever on their home. In fact, they had paid cash for the house. Maurenn Nyergers and her husband proved this in court, and the judge ordered Bank of America to pay their legal fees.

    Five months later, after being reminded by phone and post, the North-Carolina-based bank still hadn't done so. Therefore, the couple's attorney, Todd Allen, had sheriff's deputies foreclose on the bank. They removed desks, photocopiers, cash in the tellers' desks, etc. About an hour after being locked out of the building, the bank manager presented the couple's solicitor with a cheque for the legal fees. Allen said: "As a foreclosure defense attorney this is sweet justice."

The Bank of America
= Botchin' a fee -> karma.
 

According to AFP reports, an amateur beekeeper in Australia decided that the night after an alcohol-enhanced comedy festival would be a good time to move a beehive. Andrew Short explained that he'd thought the bees would be asleep since it was after midnight, and his wife's absence added to what he'd figured would be good timing.

    He had successfully removed the beehive from his back garden and, hive in hand, begun climbing his ladder to the bees' new home when the bees objected. While being stung more than 60 times, he finished the job, depositing the hive on the roof of his house.

Andrew Short = Drones' wrath.
 

California's Michelle Elaine Astumian was dreading her court date: she was to be sentenced for forging drug prescriptions. Astumian, 41, therefore presented a doctor's note asking for a postponement. The prosecutor rang the relevant physician, who confirmed that the note indeed was a forgery.

    At this point, the judge ordered Astumian to be taken into custody, so she collapsed to the floor and was taken to a local hospital by ambulance. She is to be sentenced later.

"Enemies, I am all unethical" = Michelle Elaine Astumian
Michelle E. Astumian = Unethical, semi-lame.
 

The owner of Verona Pizza, in Pennsylvania, saw Nickolas Galiatsatos enter the loo with a bag but then emerge carrying nothing, so he alerted two police officers in the pizza parlour. The pair of cops found footprints on a toilet seat under the ceiling tiles. And a bag of mice. The officers started looking for Galiatsatos and found him near another pizza parlour, where he had been seen putting something in a rubbish bin. A bag was found there too, with five mice inside.

    Upper Darby Police Superintendent Michael Chitwood explained that Galiatsatos, who owns a pizza shop of his own, had planted mice from a local pet shop in his competitors' restaurants to get them closed down.

Mr Nickolas Galiatsatos = Stocking salami. Rats also.
 

Arizona's The Daily Miner reports that a man was told to leave his weapon behind before attending a county supervisors' meeting, which members of the public are free to attend. He tried to enter the building with that pitchfork anyway but was stopped.

    Judge pro tempore Paul Julien has ruled that Mervin Fried was not guilty of third-degree trespassing. Julien pointed out that people with holstered shotguns are allowed inside the building and that, therefore, denying access to someone with a "holstered" pitchfork was arbitrary.

    It takes real guts to carry a pitchfork to a meeting, even if just a small team meeting at the office.

Mervin Fried = I'd firm nerve.
 

Florida community-college student Harrun Majeed dropped his credit card in a car park. When he returned home and asked the bank to cancel the card, he was informed that it had just been used at a pizzeria in the Polk County shopping plaza where he had dropped it.

    The bank alerted the police, who, arriving at the pizzeria, found visiting 51-year-old Michigan dentist Richard Lewis Ludwig waiting for two pizzas with extra olives, a $40.64 purchase paid for with Majeed's abandoned card. The police asked Ludwig whether he was having money problems. Ludwig, who had $250 in cash in his wallet, replied with an "Absolutely not!" and proceeded to estimate his net worth at upwards of $3 million.

The dentist Richard Ludwig
= Hunger hit. "I'd test wild card."
 

Forty-eight subscribers to Ontario's Woodstock Sentinel-Review received a censored version. The New-Zealand-earthquake-related front-page headline "The hellish reality" had been physically cut from each copy.

    The censor was a newspaper carrier who objected to the word "hellish". The publisher, Andrea DeMeer, said: "This is certainly a first. Obviously we are deeply apologetic to subscribers who received mutilated newspapers today."

Woodstock Sentinel-Review
= OK, let's now view it censored: “                   ”.
 

Cody Wilkins noticed that his mobile phone needed to charge, so he plugged it in. The problem, for him, is that he then left the premises without it – jumping from a window when one of the people whose home he'd been burgling returned to the building.

    The police found the phone, which easily led to the 25-year-old Wilkins. He then was charged in connection with several burglaries.

Cody Wilkins = Nick wily sod.
Not that wily, it seems.
 

Prosecutors have charged Tihomir Petrov with two counts of urination in a public place. The public place was the office door of a fellow mathematics professor at California State University at Northridge. Investigators say that the urination had been motivated by a dispute between the two teachers.

    Petrov wouldn't have been caught if he'd committed the offence only once. However, officials at the university elected to set up a surveillance camera after the first incident.

Professor Tihomir Petrov ~ is pervert or imp, forsooth.
 

Connecticut's Robert Michelson wanted to be careful, so he rang the emergency services to ask how much trouble he could find himself in if growing just one marijuana plant. The dispatcher told him that he could be arrested for growing the drug. Michelson thanked the dispatcher for the information and hung up.

    A short while later, officers paid a visit to the 21-year-old Michelson's home, where they found a small amount of marijuana and drug paraphernalia.

Robert Michelson = Lost on herb crime.
 

A police report in Whitefish Bay, Wisconsin, states that officers were called to a law office in response to "a report of a naked postal carrier in the building's hallway". Later, postman David A. Goodman, 52, explained that a woman on his rounds had seemed "stressed out" and that, to cheer her up, he offered to arrive naked next time. He took her response as a dare to do so. She wasn't happy with the result, and he returned 20 minutes later, fully clothed, to apologise. After his arrest for lewd and lascivious behaviour, Goodman admitted that delivering mail while naked probably wasn't a good idea.

David A. Goodman = Avoid mad gonad!
 

An Oklahoma woman told the police that her 18-year-old daughter had advertised child-minding services on the Craigslist Web site. When a "David" asked her to watch his 19-year-old autistic son at her home, the older woman took on the job herself. She did feel uncomfortable with the young man becoming sexually aroused when she cleaned him during nappy changes, and with him grabbing her daughter's chest, but tried not to let these things bother her.

    Eventually, however, it became clear that this man was "David", or 21-year-old Mark Anthony Richardson, Jr., and that he had pretended to be autistic for what he later admitted was a "sexual purpose". At least one other child-minder had fallen for his machinations.

    Richardson has been charged with felonious sexual battery (for the breast-grabbing) and seven counts of misdemeanour outrage to public decency (for seven nappy changes).

Mark Anthony Richardson = Horny sham tard can irk, no?
 

From 2010

Two men robbed a delivery driver for Fu Wong Restaurant at gunpoint in Springfield, Massachusetts, stealing the food, $200, a mobile phone, and a ring. Apparently still hungry, one of the men, 23-year-old Edward Blatch, visited the restaurant later in the day. The reason we know his identity is that the aggrieved driver was there and recognised him. The driver and cooks held Blatch until the police arrived.

Edward Blatch = Wretch. Bad lad.
 

Rhonda Coshatt was checking up on dozing niece Lyndsey Fiddler when she heard Fiddler's washing machine make clunking noises at the end of its cycle. Coshatt discovered Fiddler's 10-day-old baby, Maggie Trammel, entangled with the laundry within.

    In a call to emergency services, Coshatt is heard to say to Fiddler: "No, I did not kill your baby. You did."

    According to court documents, the mother had been using methamphetamine, amphetamines, benzodiazepine, and opiates. An arrest for drug use while she was pregnant had led Fiddler's family to try to get her children taken into care. Now, her remaining two boys have been.

The druggie Lyndsey Dawn Fiddler
= Did she fret? Deny laundry wiggled?
 

Sarah Glidden is a 15-year-old high-school student who was involved in a collision. At a cross-country track meet, she was about 100 metres from the end of a race when a deer entered her path at high speed on its way out of nearby woods. She was spun round by the impact but suffered only a bruised leg.

Sarah Glidden = Are hinds glad?
 

Mitchell Marsicano, 55, gave his dog Snowball to tenants in the upstairs flat in the building he owned in Long Island. But he later decided to see the animal again. The tenants contacted the police after walking in on Marsicano apparently sexually abusing the 10-kilo dog in their flat.

    Snowball was taken to an animal shelter, and Marsicano was charged with sexual misconduct, attempted sexual misconduct, and burglary. These carry charges of up to 16 years in prison.

Mitchell Marsicano = Immoral canis letch.
 

Eric Swensson, the chief of police in Sebeka, Minnesota, contacted law-enforcement officials to report that ammunition, stun grenades, a police radio, a pair of night-vision goggles, and other police equipment had been stolen from his home. Three days later, he rang the sheriff's office again, this time to report that he had found the items: one or more of his children had taken the items to their backyard fort.

News on crises
- Eric Swensson,
~ winces re: sons.
 

Daniel Collins wanted to make sure his construction crew's project wasn't affecting the Raymore, Missouri, sewer system, so he climbed into a manhole to check. The 30-year-old man was carried away on a current of raw sewage and swept through the pipe. Just before the sewer line passed below the lake of the local golf course, he caught hold of grates under the 15th green. Emergency crews found the bruised Collins curled into the foetal position and lifted him to safety. Collins, who told paramedics that he hoped his wife wouldn't be angry at him, was listed as in critical condition.

Daniel Collins = Ill an' closed in.
 

In Gallatin, Tennessee, 20-year-old Dustin Matthew Marshall walked out of a Walmart store in a pair of stolen jeans. The reason we know it was Marshall – also the reason he and his 19-year-old female accomplice ended up booked into the county jail – is that he had left his old jeans behind. In one of the pockets was his wallet.

    A search of the duo's home revealed evidence of other crimes, and the charge sheet was scaled up accordingly.

Dustin Matthew Marshall = Thus Walmart denim halts.
 

Florida's 19-year-old Joseph Williams liked to steal iPhones from AT&T stores by detaching the cables that tied the units to the display. Perhaps this was not the subtlest of approaches, given that he had tattooed the words "I'm Me" on his face and his physiognomy also bore a money bag and teardrop. Several witnesses' descriptions and camera footage helped link him to several iPhone thefts.

I will diss major phone fail:   Joseph Williams in Florida.
 

Dallas Amber Smith, 18, was drinking with friends in Washington when they challenged her to perform a back flip. She agreed but received teasing as soon as the smell of her feet hit the air. Prosecutors summarise the ensuing events by saying that she stabbed a 19-year-old man for telling her that her feet smelled. He was found with a steak knife protruding from his back. The other end of the knife had caused his lung to collapse. Smith faces charges of second-degree assault with a deadly weapon.

Amber Dallas Smith = I smell drama/baths.
 

Italian tax police have expressed an interest in the head of the Vatican Bank, Ettore Gotti Tedeschi. Officials commenced an investigation into certain financial irregularities.

Ettore Gotti Tedeschi of Rome ~ decrees "I forgot to tithe to me!"
 

Bernadette Music wanted help meeting men. The 43-year-old Norwood, Ohio, woman decided to request help with this, by ringing the emergency number. She was drunk at the time but not too drunk to abandon that clever idea, which she acted upon several times. After her arrest in connection with the calls (and with urinating in the hallway of her apartment building), she explained her actions: "I'm very brave and bold." She spent three days in jail for the offences.

Bernadette Music ~ cites date number.
Meet disturbance:   Bernadette Music.
 

In Florida, police officer Jason Moore asked dispatchers to send out a call about a suspicious person peering into cars at a local shopping centre. The idea was that Moore's girlfriend, herself a cop too, would show up at the scene and he could then confess his love to her. The dispatchers acquiesced to the plan, but Moore got more than he had bargained for: several further officers showed up at the shopping centre "crime scene". The two dispatchers and Moore all were fired.

Jason Moore = Major noose.
 

German network administrator Oliver Beel was fired from his job, after 19 years with the company, for charging his Segway at work for 1.5 hours in May 2009. A court later ruled that sacking Beel was not proportionate to the theft of 1.8 euro cents' worth of electricity. The court pointed out that, for example, other employees were not fired for charging mobile phones or digital photo frames at work.

I love rebel ~ Oliver Beel.
 

Police officers visited Walter and Rose Martin's home in Brooklyn, New York, at least 50 times between 2002 and 2010, searching for drug dealers, rape suspects, and others. The most recent search left the World War II veteran with worryingly high blood pressure, and the police promised to resolve the issue. They explained that the address had been used as a test case for a new computer system and that the Martins' 2007 report of their troubles had led to its removal from some but not all of the systems. Rose Martin, who wants a letter of apology, remains unconvinced that the problems are over.

    The previous owner of the home said that he had left the area in 1997 because police and fire crews kept showing up. "I always thought I was being targeted personally – and, to be honest with you, it freaks me out that it's happening again," he said.

Warrants tire mean old ~ Walter and Rose Martin.
 

Oklahoma City's Rondell Bailey walked into the police station and offered a stick to various of the officers there. He explained that this was payment for crashing his truck in a nearby car park, and that it was the last tree on Earth. Officers' refusal of this payment annoyed Bailey, who left the building and then threw a brick through the jail window. When he was arrested, officers found what they believe to be methamphetamine in his truck.

Rondell Bailey = Beyond "real ill"
 

Those fortunate enough to visit, for example, Manchester in winter 2009–10 and stay at the Holiday Inn had the opportunity to try out a new service: at no charge, a member of hotel staff would don a fleece sleeper suit and warm up the bed to 20 degrees Celsius.

    Before anyone gets excited at the thought of busty lasses pre-heating their bed, I should warn you of the cold, hard anagrammatical truth:

The Holiday Inn bed-warmer service
= NB: They are weird old Irish cavemen.
 

The last time the US printed $500 bank notes was 1945. A cleaning lady at a hotel in Malaysia didn't know this when 50-year-old Lebanese guest Elie Youssef Najem presented her with one as a tip, but, thanks to a local money-changer, she soon did.

    Izany Abdul Ghany, the head of Kuala Lumpur's commercial-crime unit, reported that police found bundles of $500, $100,000, and $1 million notes in "Lord Elie"'s hotel room. That translates to up to 10 years in jail.

    For a long time, he had been passing himself off as a multi-millionaire, and he'd been in trouble for fraud in the past. There is no word yet on the billion ringgit he has pledged to the Malaysian Cancer Council.

"Lord" Elie Youssef Najem ~ uses old "free money". Jail!
 

From 2009

Jail trashy, rotten ~ Trista Joy Lathern.

As for why...
After nearly eight months of married life, Trista Joy Lathern was desperate to save her relationship. When a benign lump was discovered in one of her breasts, she decided to tell her husband that it was cancerous, so that he wouldn't leave her. She decided it would further help her marriage to have her breasts enlarged. The obvious way to finance this was shave her head and get people to donate $10,000 for her life-saving surgery at a benefit event. She got caught.

An alternative anagram:
Trista Lathern = Traits enthral.
 

It shouldn't be hard to guess what crime Samuel Botchvaroff is charged with:
Samuel Botchvaroff = Car movable, thus off!

But the style of his latest crime was something special.

Samuel Botchvaroff, 24, was arraigned on auto-theft charges in Valleja, California. After his court appearance, he got back in his car and was promptly arrested because it wasn't his car. Botchvaroff, 24, explained that his own vehicle had been impounded and that he'd had no other way to get to court but to steal a car that morning. Further auto-theft charges soon were pending.
 

Aaron Siebers really didn't want to go to work, it seems. Police in Edgewater, Colorado, explain that Siebers called in sick at the video store where he works, reporting that he had been attacked by three men dressed in black – either Hispanics or skinheads. Five police agencies rolled in and found that Siebers had been knifed in the leg and suffered various superficial cuts. Under questioning, Siebers admitted that he had made up the story and stabbed himself.

We might wonder what was going through his head or what his work environment was like,
but perhaps we need wonder no longer, thanks to anagram power:
Aaron Siebers     Reason: rabies!
 

On the day before his wedding, Florida's John Tabutt, 62, heard someone in his home and fired his gun at the figure in the hallway. Naturally, he had thought his live-in wife-to-be, 62-year-old Nancy Dinsmore, was in bed. Well, she wasn't. She was pronounced dead while a sobbing Tabutt looked on.

John Tabutt = That nut-job.
 

Roughly a decade after Michigan's Aimee Louise Sword gave up her five-year-old son for adoption, the 35-year-old Sword got back in touch with him over the Internet. She is accused of seducing him and successfully cultivating a sexual relationship with him. Others, defending Sword, responded that he'd been the one doing the seducing and that she was taken advantage of.

Mrs Aimee L. Sword = Weird lass. Er, ...Mom?!

Mrs Aimee Louise Sword
= Issue: A weird, loser mom.
= Semi-desirous "Lower, Ma!"
 

Police in Lincoln, Nebraska, report that 19-year-old Sando Dshaw Hamilton was found wandering around Wilderness Park in the nude. He explained to the police that a man with a gun had tried to rob him and, since Hamilton had no money, taken his clothes. He later admitted, however, that the police had caught him while he'd been looking for his clothing, which he'd removed earlier in the day because of the heat. Hamilton was arrested for indecent exposure and making a false statement to the police.

Sando Hamilton = A doltish man, no?
 

Oregon's Raibin Osman was unhappy with the service at McDonald's. The 20-year-old man rang the emergency services to complain that the McDonald's employee had been impolite and, furthermore, not given him the orange juice he'd ordered. Sheriff's sergeant David Thompson said that Osman rebuffed officers who told him that the emergency number should not be used for rectifying fast-food orders. Meanwhile, a McDonald's employee rang 911 to complain that Osman and those with him were blocking the drive-through lane and knocking repeatedly on the McDonald's windows.

Raibin Osman = I am no-brains.
 

Francis Woodruff = Crowd of ruffians.

It does appear that that's his element:

From 2008

Illinois's Stephen Crane is unhappy with the marital counselling he and his wife, Maureen, received from parish priest Christopher Floss. After several sessions of one-on-one therapy, Maureen left Stephen, and Floss left the Roman Catholic priesthood.

    Crane is suing Floss and the diocese, with the charges including professional negligence, alienation of affection, and negligence in supervision and retention of the priest. Crane is seeking money to help raise his children and to pay for therapy from a medical professional.

Christopher Floss = Hot flesh! R.I.P., cross.
 

In the course of her duties cleaning homes in Lincoln, Nebraska, Mary E. McDaniel hatched a plot to steal the safe of a client who owned several businesses. The 52-year-old McDaniel recruited an accomplice to distract the woman while two others grabbed the safe from her house. The group then split the haul. McDaniel netted about $80, rather less than the $15,000 she had envisioned. All those involved in the theft have been arrested.

Mary E. McDaniel = My maid/cleaner.
 

A tavern in Minnesota opted to let people smoke inside, despite a state law banning smoking in bars. Since the law makes an exception for theatrical performances, the owners of Barnacle's Resort decided to make every Saturday night a theatre evening. Customers pay $1 for an "ACT NOW!" button, whereupon proceedings in the bar are transformed into theatre and the cigarettes into props.

Ten "real actors'" breath ~ at the Barnacle Resort.
 

When a plank hit Brooklyn, New York, construction worker Brian Persaud on the head, he was taken to the New York-Presbyterian Hospital Weill Cornell emergency room. He was given eight stitches. While he was there, a resident told him that he needed a rectal examination as well. He objected. A struggle ensued, in which the 38-year-old Persaud struck a doctor and shouted: "Where I came from, you don't put anything in someone's ass!" Persaud was sedated, given the rectal exam, and later arrested. He was released without charges and decided to sue the hospital for malpractice.

Brian Persaud
= I'd ban "Rears up!".
= Urban despair
 

Ernesto Ponce, 19, stole a pickup truck from a dealership in Roseburg, Oregon, but abandoned the vehicle when a tyre blew. He then swiped a car from a nearby driveway. The engine overheated about 15 minutes later, and the car caught fire at a junction. Jeff Herbert, who pulled over to help with a fire-extinguisher, found his pickup truck next on the list. According to Herbert, "he jumped in when I had my back to him". Ponce again didn't get far: an encounter with a police spike strip left him with two punctured tyres and an appointment with a ditch. He was arrested.

Ernesto Ponce = One cop enters.

He was charged with various things, but at press time I didn't know whether he'd get a "poor sentence".
 

From 2007

As South Carolina farmer Sampson Parker reached into his rusty corn-harvester to remove a stalk, the mechanical rollers that shuck the corn pulled his glove and then his hand inside. Parker was able to reach an iron bar to jam into the chain-and-sprocket assembly driving the rollers. After about an hour of crying for help, he felt his hand go numb, so he commenced cutting off his fingers with his pocketknife to free himself. When the sprocket grinding against the bar threw off sparks that set the machine and grass on fire, he said, "[m]y skin was [...] dripping off my arm like plastic melting [and] I realised I was in trouble". As he cut the flesh from his arm, he said, the fire kept him from passing out from the shock. He then dropped to the ground, using his weight to break the bone. A tyre exploded, and the force threw him clear of the flames.

    Parker drove his truck into the nearest road to wave down a car for help. Motorists drove on the hard shoulder to get round him, until passing firefighter Doug Spinks saw him, wrapped the arm, and summoned help. Parker spent three weeks at a burn centre, and about 25 neighbours finished harvesting his corn for him. He said he is at peace with the incident, as "it really wasn't the corn picker's fault; it was my fault".

Sampson Parker = Arm-snapper's OK.
 

In 2005, in family-court proceedings in Niagara Falls, New York, Judge Robert Restaino heard a mobile telephone ring in the public seating area. When no-one seated there came forward to identify the owner of the offending device, Restaino ordered 46 people to be taken into police custody. Most were released on bond, while 14 were thrown into the county jail. The New York State Commission on Judicial Conduct later described this as causing "irreparable damage to public confidence in the fair and proper administration of justice in his court" and removed Restaino from the bench.

Robert Restaino = Obstinate error.
 

Matt Wilkenson of Portland, Oregon, had been drinking with friends and wanted to impress them with how tame his pet snakes were. He probably did impress them when he inserted his pet eastern diamondback rattlesnake in his mouth, head first. He also ended up with the snake attached to the back of his throat. As the venom took effect, his tongue began to swell and he found breathing difficult. After a little anti-venom, a breathing tube, and a three-day induced coma, Wilkenson admitted that "it's actually kind of my own stupid fault", adding that "they said I had enough venom in me to kill between 12 and 15 people".

Oregon's Matt Wilkenson
= Let snake sting moron  – Ow!
= Snake worn on me glottis.
 

Sandra Hickey of Pittsfield, Maine, couldn't find her house key and was convinced that someone had taken it. The 58-year-old woman rang emergency number 911 more than a dozen times in the space of five days to report the problem, according to Sergeant Timothy Roussin of the town's police force. He reports that she sometimes acknowledged the lack of an emergency or claimed that she had information on a murder, but the topic always returned to the key. Hickey, who allegedly was intoxicated at the time of the calls, is being charged with abuse of the emergency number. She had been warned several times about this possibility.

    The missing house key had been returned without Hickey's knowledge, according to Roussin.

I wonder whether Roussin had any off-the-record comments, such as

Sandra Hickey = "Cranky", he said.
 

A 21-year-old man in the Philippines reportedly saved a neighbour who had tried to hang himself. Having taken that suicidal man to an area hospital, Reynandro Platon returned home, where his wife, authorities believe, took him to task for drinking and thereby complicating his diabetes symptoms. Joseph Dino of the Quezon City police district later reported that Platon then waited for everyone in the house to fall asleep, ascended to the second storey of the home with a yellow nylon cord, and hanged himself.

Reynandro Platon suicides = Nylon rope. Is dead. Curtains.
 

Illinois's Arthur Friedman sued his wife's lover, German Blinov, under an "alienation of affection" law. The wife, Natalie, explained in court that the problem is not that she was having sex with Blinov – after all, her husband had asked her to engage in sexual activity with other men and women as a way of livening up the relationship – but that she started to develop feelings for him. Arthur said: "This guy ruined my life – he back-stabbed me." A jury, who reportedly referred to the case as "stupid" and the law as "ridiculous", ordered Blinov to pay $4,802.

Arthur Friedman ~ in further drama!
 

When two-year-old Adonis Ribott's birthday party ended, at about 2am, his mother Luz Marie Ramos bade him farewell and his father Danny Ribot started to drive him home – but then parked the car at an auto body shop, leaving the boy inside. Ribot walked the rest of the way, then couldn't find his house keys so rang the doorbell to summon his mother. She recalls that she asked "where did you leave the car?" and "where's the baby?". Her account continues: "He smiled and just went upstairs. I figured maybe the baby's with his mama." When Ribot woke at 11am and noticed that his son was not asleep beside him, he rang Ramos, while his own mother rang the police. Ramos's parents saw the abandoned vehicle at the car-repair shop and rescued Adonis. Ramos indicated that Ribot, who claimed not to remember what had happened the previous night, might have consumed a drink or two at the party.

Danny Ribot = Into brandy?
 

Escambia, Florida, police arrested Cheveon Alonzo Ford after his 292nd illegitimate phone call to the emergency services since 1 July. The 21-year-old Ford explained to the officers that he had made the calls because 911 is the only number that he was able to reach, since he had run out of minutes on his telephone plan.

Cheveon A. Ford = Need for havoc?
 

Sylvette Wimberly of Houston, Texas, said that she has figured out why she began receiving lewd and embarrassing telephone calls and e-mail messages. Former high-school classmate Lara Madden had decided to borrow her name for use in her videos in the adult film industry. Wimberly ended up suing Madden and the producer of her videos, alleging invasion of privacy and emotional distress – for example, former classmates contacted her upon hearing that she was a porn star – and filed an injunction aimed at getting Madden to stop calling herself Sylvette Wimberly.

It's clear why Madden liked the name:
Sylvette Wimberly ~ met very best willy!
 

A Florida jury convicted Terry Lee Alexander on charges of indecent exposure because he was masturbating in his jail cell while a female deputy had to monitor the cell from a camera control room. Sheriff's office spokesman Elliot Cohen said that, while masturbation in Broward County jails normally is punished by a restriction of privileges, the agency began encouraging deputies to press criminal charges, in hopes of eradicating the behaviour. Coryus Veal chose to heed this advice; Alexander is the eighth person she has charged with in-cell masturbation within six months, in each affidavit describing the activity as conducted in a "vulgar and indecent manner" and thus fulfilling one of the criteria set forth in the state's indecent-exposure statute.

Beneath that prudish exterior:
Coryus Veal = Saucy lover.
 

An armed and masked bandit stole $75 and two cartons of cigarettes from a petrol station in Florida. After the police arrived, someone noticed that the robber had left a case leaning against a display rack. Within was a receipt for an AK-47 purchase, bearing the name of Eric Cunningham. Officers arrested the 18-year-old local man who bore that name at his home a few kilometres from the petrol station.

Eric Cunningham = Nice rich gunman?
 

A woman rang the Elk Grove, California, police to report that her eight-year-old grand-son had liberated the keys to the family car and gone for a drive. Officer Chris Trim said that the boy ignored pursuing officers' flashing lights and sirens. Police followed him at 40–55 km/hour for five to 10 minutes, in which time he caused a collision, injuring another driver.

    The boy stopped the car at his house, where his mother, Heather Bollinger, greeted officers by hitting them in the chest. Neighbour Sue Wu said: "The mom just ran out of the house and started fighting with police" and that she was spitting and scratching. Bollinger was arrested, and the boy is in his grandmother's care.

Heather Bollinger = The hollering bear
 

Dearborn, Michigan, city council member Doug Thomas said: "If you're a cop and you're arresting people and you're confiscating the marijuana and keeping it yourself, that's bad." The officer in question, Edward Sanchez, had his wife bake confiscated drugs into brownies. He remained under the radar until he rang 911 to report: "I think we're dying. We made brownies and I think we're dead. I really do."

    After the emergency call, he initially claimed that his wife had obtained the dope from his car herself, but he later confessed. The police department decided to allow him to resign from his job and thus avoid prosecution.

Edward Sanchez, Dearborn Police = Cops ended clear brownie hazard.
 

Lisa Marie Nowak was a married mother of three and a NASA astronaut, but she wanted something more: to cement her relationship with fellow astronaut Bill Oefelein. To this end, she drove from Texas to Florida – wearing nappies on the journey in order to save some time – to meet romantic rival Colleen Shipman in the Orlando airport car park.

    According to a police report, Shipman noticed a woman following her at the airport so locked herself in her car. When Nowak failed to gain access to the car, she began to cry and said she couldn't hear Shipman. Shipman then rolled down her car window "about two inches", thus giving Nowak an opening to pepper-spray her. After Shipman drove off and reported the incident, an officer saw Nowak place some items in a rubbish bin, among them a wig and BB pistol. Also, she was carrying a steel mallet, folding knife, rubber tubing, and large plastic bags.

    Nowak, 43, explained to the police that she had planned to abduct Shipman in aims of holding a conversation with her about Oefelein.

Lisa Marie Nowak = Mania, so warlike.
Colleen Shipman = Hellion encamps.
Mr. Bill Oefelein, NASA = I'll be fine alone... Mars?
 

Rosie Costello of Tacoma, Washington, admitted in court that she collected more than $200,000 in welfare benefits over 20 years as a result of coaching her two children to fake mental retardation. Costello, 46 at the time of writing, began coaching her daughter to feign retardation when the girl was four years old, and her son from age eight. The situation came to light after Costello's 26-year-old son, Pete, contested a traffic ticket in court without difficulty. Authorities were unable to locate his sibling, while his mother pleaded guilty of conspiracy to defraud the government.

Rosie Costello = Lie scores loot.
 

While on a costume-party-themed pub crawl with other medical professionals in Florida, Brevard County physician Raymond Adamcik, 54, chose to be Captain America. He also allegedly chose to place a burrito in his blue tights and ask women whether they wanted to touch it. One woman rang the police to report that he groped her in response to her refusal to do so. When officers arrived, an identity parade of the various Captain Americas on the pub crawl was held. The woman pointed out Adamcik, whose burrito was found in his boot.

    Officers reported that, while in a police holding cell, our Captain America removed a marijuana cigarette from his tights and attempted to flush it down the toilet. He was charged with battery, disorderly conduct, drug possession, and attempting to destroy evidence.

Raymond Adamcik = I am odd, am cranky, ...
 

From 2006

Locked out of his stepmother's home, Michael Urbano figured he would simply enter via the Hayward, California, home's chimney. The 23-year-old Urbano took off his clothes, which he figured could hinder his descent, and began to rappel down the chimney with the aid of a cable-television wire attached to the roof. When the cable snapped, he fell until becoming wedged about three quarters of the way down the chimney. Roughly four hours later, his calls for help prompted a neighbour to ring the police. Officers arrived at shortly after 6:30am, found Urbano's clothes at the bottom of the chimney, and spent the next hour pushing the naked man back up to the roof. Police lieutenant Gary Branson later reported that Urbano, who suffered minor injuries in the incident, was then arrested for being high on drugs.

Michael Urbano = Lamebrain. (Ouch.)
 

When prisoners were allowed back into Missouri's Dallas County Detention Center after having set the facility on fire in an escape attempt, they were in for a surprise. Sheriff Mike Rackley had ordered the walls to be painted pink – a colour that several studies have reported as having a soothing effect in institutional settings. Also, the paint job greeted the returning inmates with blue teddy bears.

    Rackley summed up: "[W]e made it like a day care, and that's kind of like what it is, a day care for adults who can't control their behavior in public."

Dallas County Detention Center =
No tenant's diary noted: "Cute cell!"
 

From 2004–2005

Washington's Julie Anderson, 48, apparently was displeased with a haircut she received at her regular salon, Stage 1 in Richland. According to Police Captain Mike Cobb, she therefore returned to the salon and, when her regular stylist arrived, pulled a gun on her and demanded $100. Salon employees gave her the money. Anderson began to drive away but decided to fire at least one shot into the rear window of the stylist's car first. She then lobbed the handgun through the broken window and headed to another hair salon in the area for a trim to fix a bad haircut from some time earlier. Cobb reported that Anderson apparently paid with some of the money from Stage 1. She was arrested when she left the salon and informed that she could face charges of first-degree robbery and second-degree malicious mischief.

Julie Anderson's "bad hair day" = Salon injured by sad airhead.
 

Baltimore police detective Gregory Jenkins ended his incident report with: "Again, this really happened"...
First, Sunday Smith reported on 20 April 2005 that a gunman had ordered her and a friend to exit their car, then driven off with it. Two weeks later, the police received another call: Smith had found the car parked near where it had been stolen. It was promptly towed to a police station. Two hours after that, the police received a third call pertaining to the vehicle. Gregory Alston, 20, wished to report it stolen. When officers brought Alston to the station, he told Deputy Major Jim Rood that he'd bought the car in March. Rood didn't buy this story, as Alston "didn't know who he bought it from... He didn't know anything – so finally he just owned up" and admitted to stealing Sunday's car. As to why Alston chose to report the disappearance of the vehicle, Jenkins explained in his report that Alston had left his wallet inside and "was trying to retrieve it without drawing attention to himself".

Gregory Alston = Loser got angry...
 

Police in Manchester, New Hampshire, say that Lillian Carter, 84, went to Elliot Hospital to collect her son Ron, 49, upon his dismissal from the facility. Driving to the hospital's entrance, she hit the accelerator pedal rather than the brake. The car sped forward and struck her son while he was walking to meet her. The car then connected with a concrete pillar. Ron Carter was admitted to the hospital with serious injuries, and his mother too joined the patients there.

Lillian Carter = "Car? I'll learn it."
 

Amanda Monti, a 24-year-old woman from Birkenhead, Merseyside, had apparently remained on good terms with Geoffrey Jones, 37, after he broke off their relationship. Liverpool's crown court heard that Monti, after driving Jones home from a party, offered him sex and said that she wished to discuss the relationship. He refused and, in the struggle that followed, threw her out of the house. After she smashed a window, there came a second physical altercation, in which Monti ripped off one of her ex-boyfriend's testicles. She initially tried to hide the bollock in her mouth. The emergency services recovered it; however, it could not be reattached.

Amanda Monti = Anti-nad ammo!
 

Rescue teams found Richard Kral drunkenly staggering along a path in the Slovakian Tatra mountains, minus his car. He explained that an avalanche had buried his car in snow and that he'd had to dig his way out through the window. Recognising that snow was likely to fill the vehicle before he could free himself, he decided to drink one of the 60 half-litre bottles of beer he had with him. Then he hit on the idea of urinating on the snow to melt it after he had scooped it down from above the vehicle. He said: "It was hard and now my kidneys and liver hurt, but I'm glad the beer I took on holiday turned out to be useful and I managed to get out of there."

Note: male piss flow ~ melts a pile of snow.
 

Staff at Winnipeg's Headingly jail discovered that prisoners at this "tobacco-free" facility were using boiled Nicorette gum and tea leaves as a substitute, which they rolled in pages from Gideon Bibles in order to make cigarettes. Prison superintendent Cathy Sandney described the illicit activity as "very discreet". Speaking for Gideons International, who place the Bibles in jails, Ron Muir said: "They've destroyed about 50 Bibles. They're going to need more Bibles and I'll bring them more."

Nicorette gum and Bibles and some tea make ~
inmates sob and deem cigarette unsmokable.
 

From 2003

Wisconsin's Armando Cortez was angry at his estranged wife, so he decided to ram his van repeatedly into the side of her Ford Escort. Witnesses informed authorities that the 34-year-old Fond Du Lac man hit the car 20–30 times, stopping only when the Escort had been pushed about 15 metres and was pressed up against a tree. Cortez explained to officers that he'd bought that car for his wife so knew it to be hers; however, the rammed car turned out to belong to her neighbour. Police representatives stated that alcohol likely played a part in Cortez's actions. He was charged with two counts of criminal damage to property.

Mister Armando Cortez = Er, crazed motorist man.

What might his future hold?
Armando Cortez ~ to ram on, crazed?
 

Police believe North Seattle, Washington, man Louis G. Carnaghi was annoyed that his wife hadn't left his medicines in the pill box and that he had had to answer one too many early-morning telephone calls for her. Therefore, the 87-year-old Carnaghi rolled his wheelchair behind his 86-year-old wife, Arline, and struck her several times with a steel pipe. Prosecutors allege that he then bit chunks out of her arms as he fell from his chair. A neighbour rang 911 after finding the blood-covered couple on the floor.

Align chair near ~ Arline Carnaghi...
 

Hospital cleaner Sophie Matlala found it difficult to eat the goulash the canteen served for lunch one day in May 1999. South Africa's Pretoria High Court heard how, after she couldn't bite through the meat in the stew, her colleagues at Medforum Hospital inspected the offending morsel and concluded that it was a piece of cooked penis. Having vomited several times over the course of the afternoon, she became a vegetarian.

    Hospital authorities confirmed the 60-year-old Matlala's suspicions about the meat, although it could not be established whether the penis had belonged to a human vs. some other animal. Judge Phineas Mojapelo rejected Matlala's R2.7m lawsuit for reason of a three-year statute of limitations, but he added that he hoped her legal advisers would advise her to sue them: the summons had been issued on the last day of the three years but not served until three days later.

Sophie Matlala = A hospital meal.
 

Peter Hallinean of Rochester, New York, was arrested for supplying heroin to his wife at her workplace, the school where she taught. Principal Timothy Cliby recounted that assistant principal Kathleen Wiecorek called his attention to a suspicious foil-wrapped package inside a Happy Meal that Hallinean, 31, had apparently dropped off at the school office for wife Correy. Cliby stated that he found alcohol swabs, a syringe partially filled with a brown fluid, and a well-used oversized rubber band inside. Cliby, who said he had already suspected Correy of drug use, conctacted the police. Peter reported in conclusion that his wife has been suspended from her teaching duties.

The cops could question her by way of anagrams:
Correy Hallinean = "Recall any heroin?"
 

Andrew J. Castor, 14, allegedly fed a neighbour's cat to an alligator. According to Cape Coral, Florida, police, Castor stole the cat from a chair in the neighbours' yard and stuffed it in his satchel, then took it to a canal, where he let the feline out, kicked it, and hurled it into the water. The cat's owners reported that Castor then brought them to see the cat, while it was still in the alligator's mouth. "It had him by the tail. I started crying. I couldn't breathe," said Cari Taich, 16, whose life had included the cat, Homeboy, since she was five years old.

    The police said Castor had just wanted to see what the alligator would do. It was unclear whether he'd be tried as an adult.

Andrew Castor = A cat's drowner.  (Well, nearly enough)
 

Suffolk County, New York, officers report that Troy C. Stephani, 32, refused to pull over for the police, leading them on a ten-minute chase through red lights. Stephani's pickup truck eventually turned a corner that he quickly discovered led into the car park of police headquarters.

(Troy C. Stephani = They train cops.)

He explained to the arresting officers that he hadn't wanted to stop until he'd finished smoking all the crack cocaine that was in the pickup.

Troy Stephani = "One shitty rap!"

Having been arrested, might he receive therapy's tonic?
Was he so brazen about his offences because he figured he could escape charges through the power of his hypnotic stare.
 

The Detroit Free Press reports on Officer Anthony Johnson, who claims that Joni Gullas, who smelled of alcohol, refused to produce ID and resisted arrest, starting to back her car up instead. Gullas claimed that she thought Johnson, in street clothes, had been trying to carjack her. Police reports indicate that Johnson handcuffed her right hand but she withdrew her left. Johnson used a knife to cut off the left sleeve of her large coat in order to handcuff her. He ended up slicing off her left ring finger, which could not be reattached, and knicking her middle finger.

Joni Gullas = Jail us long!
 

New Jersey's Michael Thiel had just finished his first year as a Drug Abuse Resistance Education officer, teaching approximately 70 students. After fellow officer Amalio S. Gorcsik was arrested amid allegations of attempting to purchase cocaine from an undercover officer while in a patrol car, the investigation widened. Thiel and a third officer were arrested. While head D.A.R.E. officer Sergeant Edward Selb said Thiel would be decertified for possessing and using drugs, Harrison Township School Superintendent Dr Patricia Hoey indicated that no special statement had been prepared to help students process the issue of their D.A.R.E. officer getting arrested on drugs charges.

Did the investigation involve a...
Lie from "ethical" chief ~ Officer Michael Thiel?

As for what led him to continue in a life of crime, we can only guess:
Relief of chemical hit
 

Trenton Michael Veches = Toes enchant him. Clever.
 

Yugoslav Army paratrooper Dragan Ćurčić survived a thousand-metre fall after his main and his spare parachute malfunctioned. Initially failing to open, the two became tangled in each other, opening simultaneously. The 40-year-old member of the 63rd paratroop brigade came to a rest after falling through the roof of an army building. He performed another parachute drop two days later.

Paratrooper Dragan Curcic = Crap occurring at drop area.
 

A Port Huron, Michigan, woman faces charges of throwing her seven-month-old baby out a window. LaFayre Marie Banks is accused of flinging the child from a bathroom window in her second-storey flat, thus causing the infant severe internal and head injuries. The 32-year-old Banks denied the allegations, though, explaining that she'd merely been administering a bath when the baby reared up and went through the window. The child has been placed with a foster family.

A family breaks near ~ LaFayre Marie Banks.
And there's the rather more silly
LaFayre Banks = NAMBLA's freaky!
 

A 70-year-old man's car was stolen in Camden, New Jersey, and recovered by police on the same day. That didn't help its owner, though – Mayor Gwendolyn Faisan liked the look of his Lincoln Town Car, so she promptly commandeered it for her official vehicle. In the wake of negative publicity, Faisan did think better of her refusal to return it to its rightful owner, a few weeks later.

    In a subsequent audit ordered by County Prosecutor Vincent P. Sarubbi, the mayor was cleared of any wrongdoing. However, Sarubbi did discover that the police department was using two other stolen cars.

Gwendolyn Faisan~'s defying a law, non?
 

Germaine M. Taylor of Racine, Wisconsin, was placed on probation after impregnating a 14-year-old. He then got Beckie Knecht pregnant when she was 17. After being granted another chance, he had his third child, by a 15-year-old. The unemployed Taylor, 20, finally was sentenced to 17 years in prison by Judge Allan Torhorst, who told him "I want you out of this community".

Germaine Taylor
= Normality. Agree?
= Enrage morality.
= Ram eagerly into...
= Goal: I marry teen.  (Perhaps an anti-gram, though)

Germaine M. Taylor
= Mere girl anatomy.
= Migratory man-eel.
= Immoral entry age.
= "My organ + mere tail."
 

Police in Kenya report that Alfonse Mumbo accused his wife, Penina, of pursuing an extramarital love affair. Officers said that, deciding to teach her a lesson while she was out but also seeking "to give her a free hand to go after other men", he used a kitchen knife to sever his penis and testicles. Penina, who insists that'd not been having an affair, came home a few minutes later and found the 38-year-old former barber unconscious in a pool of blood.

    The Kajulu Wath Orego man later told the East African Standard that "I found myself disgusted with the penis and decided to cut it off [...]. The knife was too sharp and before I realised what I had done, it was too late."

Umm, for male nobs, ~ Mr. Alfonse Mumbo!
 

The Arizona Republic shared the disturbing tale of Delano Yanes, who was a subject of reports to the police and Child Protective Services in April 2003. An investigation showed that his five-month-old child, Elijah Alexander, had a broken arm, which the family promptly blamed on the boy's four-year-old sister. Six months later, Delano called paramedics to report that he'd found his son in his playpen not breathing and had tried to perform CPR. An autopsy revealed that the child's heart had ruptured in the course of sodomy. The 25-year-old Delano was taken into custody.

Delano Yanes = Yes, anal done.
Or
Delano Yanes ~ eyed son. "Anal?..."
 

From 2002

Chattanooga, Tennessee, police reports indicate that Rudy Raines and William King stopped at the Fast Food and Fuel convenience store to dry out two sackfuls of marijuana in the microwave oven there. Although a patrol car was parked outside, Raines entered the shop anyway and began to dry out the pot, whose aroma soon permeated the store. Officer Tetzel Tillery recounted that, when Raines removed the sack and "Officer Ashley went up to him and asked what he was doing [...] he admitted that he was trying to dry out the marijuana". Ashley spotted further marijuana in the car, bringing the total visible to about half a kilo. King, upon being awakened, said he didn't know anything about it. Raines told Ashley that he and King had been headed to a drug-rehab clinic at the time.

Rudy Raines = Ruin's ready!
 

Reuters reports on Emma Dunn and Raoul Sebastian, both 19, a British couple whose dream trip to Sydney turned out different from what they'd expected. They booked their air tickets on the Internet, boarded the plane with no problems, and started to suspect that something was wrong only when they were asked to transfer to a small aircraft in Halifax, Nova Scotia. Once they'd landed in Sydney, Nova Scotia, Air Canada employee Andrea Batten was given the task of helping the couple, who she said were "obviously very surprised" to learn that they were not in Sydney, Australia.

Dunn might be able to blame the Web site for making the destination unclear:
Emma Dunn = "Dumb menu!"
And, in denial, Raoul Sebastian, in turn, might have told the Air Canada employees
"So, be Australian!"
 

Mississauga, Ontario, (non-American-)football coach Frank Pesce, 39, rushed onto the pitch during a break in a pre-teens' soccer match and attacked a 12-year-old girl who had been playing well for the opposing team. Under Ontario Soccer Association rules, a coach is to be immediately suspended from all soccer-related activity if assaulting an official. But association executive director Brian Avey responded that the policy says nothing about coaches who attack players. Pending further action, Pesce was still coaching.

I don't know what kind of venue the games are held in, but
it is because of people like Frank Pesce that park fences were created. 
 

Wichita Falls, Texas, native Lee Wayne Lawrence was afraid that his daughter was employed as a stripper at Maximus Gentleman's Club. Police say Lawrence, 41, therefore entered the club in camouflage fatigues, started slashing furniture with an eight-inch hunting knife, and asked for a drink. Serving him, manager Vic Robinson noticed a homemade bomb around Lawrence's neck. Seconds later, police entered. A few days later, after a review of security-camera footage, Lawrence said "I would do that for my daughter if I could get her out of there".

    While the daughter, Kera, had indeed sought and auditioned for a job at the club, Robinson explained that he'd turned her down because her identification appeared fake. Lawrence, who'd been released from prison a few months earlier after serving time for assaulting a police officer, returned to jail.

Maximus Gentleman's Club = Ban male lust, sex, & cumming!
 

Ian Cheeseman ~ has nice enema!
 

Male and female prisoners managed to have joint sexual encounters and conduct strip shows at North Carolina's Person County jail on 6–10 September 2002. Sheriff Dennis Oakley explained: "It's [...] because of a staffing shortage" – his requests for more personnel hadn't been fulfilled – and "Things happen."

    Accordingly, charges were brought against 12 inmates for offences such as prostitution and breaking and entering. A.K. Pruitt, the jail's administrator, said an investigation revealed that prisoners had removed the screws that held a Plexiglass barrier in place, allowing them access to the canteen area and, from there, the females' space. Inmates used lookouts to spot guards arriving for random checks. The encounters came to light when two women grew upset that the men hadn't provided marijuana as they'd promised.

Person County Jail = Platonic journeys  (An anti-gram, it would seems)
= Joy/coitus planner
= Panty lice sojourn?
 

From 2001

Harry Titlow decided to kill his uncle, with the objective of using the insurance money for an operation to confer feminine attributes. Titlow's aunt, who allegedly helped pour alcohol down her husband's throat and thereby suffocate him, gave Titlow $70,000 of the payout and a car. She has been acquitted. Titlow, who later took on the name "Vonlee Titlowz", was scheduled to face trial in January 2002.

Harry Titlow = Trial-worthy!
 

And then there's Victor's Little Secret, the Kentucky porn shop that changed its name from "Victor's Secret" in an unsuccessful effort to avoid an impending lawsuit from Victoria's Secret. The Supreme Court found no evidence that the lingerie company's trademark had suffered harm. The owner of the family-run porn shop was one Victor Moseley.

Victor Moseley = Very cool items!
 

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