Doctor Who and Related Transcripts

Torchwood transcripts - series 2

Episode 1: Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

Go here for the main Torchwood page.

Episode transcribed by beccaelizabeth (e-mail address beccaelizabeth @ yahoo.com ) of the Torchwood Transcripts LiveJournal community as follows.
Transcript hosted at beccaelizabeth.livejournal.com/1316738.html (link valid on 11 March 2010).

Right! Disclaimer time: We all know this belongs to the BBC, the very nice people who make pretty guys kiss for us. I pay my licence fee but that don't mean I own any of it. So clearly I'm pretty much hoping they don't mind. But it's not like anyone will be reading these things and not watching, right? Everyone can go watch on the website - okay, for a few more hours, anyway, unless the family edit is going to be on iplayer too. But we'll be buying the DVDs and everything. Yes? Yes.

Key:
LOCATION
(stage directions)
emphasis
NAME: of who is saying this bit here
'this is when they're on comms' (or being telepaths, but that was only in 1-07)
#singing.#
stuff I added that wasn't in the subtitles
stuff on subtitles but I didn't hear it
*action* like in chat, or a *sound effect*.
between // and // they're talking over each other, same time.

If that all looks a bit complicated please to be coming up with something simpler.

Torchwood 2-01 Kiss Kiss Bang Bang


EXT NIGHT Cardiff streets, for once from the ground
(Starts with the cute sequence with the old lady, the crossing lights, and the fish.)
(SUV pulls up)
GWEN: Scuse me, have you seen a blowfish, driving a sports car?
(Old lady points)
GWEN: Thank you!
(SUV drives off)
OLD LADY: Bloody Torchwood!

EXT NIGHT Cardiff street, In the SUV
TOSH: Species not on record, DNA-type says some sort of land fish.
GWEN: All I'm saying is, you are speeding and there are children.
OWEN: Well if Kids are out at midnight, they've got it coming.
TOSH: Detecting high levels of algae.
GWEN: Who's afraid of the big scary fish?
OWEN: Big fish with a gun
IANTO: Special weapons?
TOSH: Not that I can see.
IANTO: Do we need special weapons?
OWEN: What are we gonna do when we catch it?
TOSH: Jack would know.
OWEN: Well, Jack's not here, is he? Jack's disappeared! Fat lot of good Jack is!

GWEN: Blowfish!!
OWEN: Hold on!
OWEN: Hold the wheel.
GWEN: Don't you dare, Owen!
OWEN: Hold the wheel! (Starts climbing out the window)
GWEN: Right, got it.
(Owen, out the window, shoots out a tyre. Gets back in and puffs top of his gun. Pull up next to stopped car, empty.)
GWEN: Where is it, where's it gone?
(*BANG* gunshot from inside house.)
OWEN: Go! Go! Go!

INT Someone's house
OWEN: Gwen, go left, Tosh go right, Ianto take centre. Positions!
TOSH: Massive levels of adrenalin. Mixed with approximately three grams of cocaine. This fish is wired.

BLOWFISH: So this is Team Torchwood. The teacher's pets.
But teacher's gone, hasn't he? Leaving the kiddy-kids all alone.
And look at you, trying so hard to be all grown up.
The Doctor, with his hands full of blood.
The Carer, with her oh-so-beating heart.
The Technician, with her cold devices.
Which leaves me, with the Office Boy, promoted beyond his measure.
All of you, lost without your master.
All of you, pretending to be so brave.
All of you, so scared.
So, what about it, minion?
Can you do it? How good are you?
How sharp is your aim?
What if you kill her?
What if I kill her first?
Can you shoot, before I do?
Can you?
Dare you?
Would you?
Won't you?

(*BANG* and fish brain splatters.)
( Ianto looks at his gun, then swings around to reveal...)

JACK: Hey kids. Did you miss me?

(Opening credits)

INT Hub, Outside Jack's office

GWEN: Are you sure no more like him came through?
TOSH: Cross-referencing with the rift activity monitor, doesn't look like it.
IANTO: The car's been impounded, I'll get it back to the owner in the morning.
GWEN: How you doing, alright?
OWEN: Bio-profile's onscreen now. Nothing in his genetic make-up likely to contaminate the city.
GWEN: Okay, Tosh, can you add that to the species database? Ianto?
IANTO: Hello!
GWEN: Sorry, um, Can you deal with the body when it's cold?
IANTO: My pleasure and I'll make unless you mean making sushi.
GWEN: No, The morgue'll do fine thankyou.
(That sequence was very quick, batting questions and answers around. As soon as Jack joins in it gets more awkward, with pauses.)
JACK: Got pretty organised without me.
GWEN: Yeah, well we had to.
JACK: Hey Did you decorate in here?
GWEN: (Shoves Jack backwards.) You left us, Jack!
JACK: I know. I'm sorry.
GWEN: We knew nothing, Jack.
TOSH: Where were you?
JACK: I found my Doctor.
OWEN: Did he fix you?
JACK: What's to fix? You don't mess with this level of perfection!
IANTO: Are you going back to him?
JACK: (looks him down and up, says quietly) I came back for you. (shifty eyes looking around, then louder) All of you.
(silent pause, shot of all 4 of team looking at Jack, then BLEEPING)
TOSH: Rift activity!
(BLEEPING again, Team Torchwood turn and head out, the camera goes into the Autopsy bay to focus on the Blowfish's pocket, where something glowy is BLEEPING too.)

EXT. NIGHT: Car park roof
(CGI of big glowy gold thing, and out strides the guy who later calls himself Captain John Hart, giving us a great view of his costume. Close up on his face, watch his reaction as off screen we hear)

RANDOM BLOKE: Get off, I didn't do it.

(Boots, guns, swagger, back up to John's face. The important thing in this scene is clearly not the guys who are talking.)

RANDOM BLOKE: Please, leave me alone.

(There's a sign says Way Out pointing left, and a couple of guys struggling on a car hood on the right.)

RANDOM BLOKE: Help me!
ATTACKER: Come any closer and I'll open up his neck!
JOHN: (Walks closer with no change in speed) Fine!
ATTACKER: What?!
JOHN: Which artery do you normally sever?
RANDOM BLOKE: No!
ATTACKER: I'm not bluffing!
JOHN: Well now you've given yourself away. Only someone who's bluffing ever says they're not.
(Attacker brings knife around to John, who grabs him by the throat, lifts, and dangles him right off the side of the car park. Looooong way down.)
ATTACKER: Oh, God! Shit! Please stop!
JOHN: Well... No.
(Drops him. See tiny little falling guy from afar. See Random Bloke reacting to it with shock and surprise.)
RANDOM BLOKE: He's dead.
(John turns to look at him, music starts up again, John closes in on other guy, grabs him by collar.)
RANDOM BLOKE: Please...
JOHN: I... was never here.
(Random Bloke nods. John pats his collar straight again.)
JOHN: Go.
(Random Bloke runs off. Camera stays with John, who turns and walks towards it but not looking into it.)
JOHN: Thirsty now.

EXT NIGHT CARDIFF from sky
(A bunch of zoomy different shots, lots of places and some cars)

INT Bar Reunion
(Dark and full of people, has those swing doors going on, so John pushes in through them like something out of a Western)
#Mao Tse Tung says; Change must come# {Mao Tse Tung Says, A3}
(John gets his wriststrap out and presses a button: the music stops.)
JOHN: All right! Now... (spends rest of scene walking and pointing at everyone) You, go, you, go, you go. You stay. Go, go, go. Stay, go, go, go, go, go. Oh! Stay, stay, stay. Go, go, go, go, go! The rest of you, go. (Whooshy camera move, John leans in at the bar) I'll take one of everything. (Whoosh, facing room again) Any questions?
BOUNCERS: All right, mate, let's take it outside.
JOHN: Oh. Did I mention I'm armed? (Pulls guns; screaming, running, John grinning. *Laughs*. Goes back to the bar.)

EXT NIGHT Under the car park with the corpse

TOSH: Fragments of rift energy, around the neck, arm and shoulders.
JACK: He was grabbed. . .and pushed.
TOSH: Explains the residual energy cluster.
JACK: How did you ever manage without me?
OWEN: So, there's a potential killer on the loose, Bipedal, maybe humanoid.
GWEN: Any other alien tech involved Tosh?
TOSH: No readings to suggest that.
JACK: Okay Let's get back and see what we can piece together.
GWEN: Taking charge again you?
JACK: I was hoping for a little power struggle, resolved by some naked wrestling.
GWEN: Thank you, Andy. You can let SOCO in now, and they can eliminate us from whatever they want.
ANDY: This another one of your spooky-dos is it?
GWEN: Not yet, but I'll let you know.
ANDY: Thanks, Andy. You've been very helpful. Don't mention it, Gwen.

(Jack's hand on the SUV driver's door, BEEP BEEP BEEP from his wrist strap.)
IANTO: Whoa, that never beeps.
JACK: That's what I was thinking.
(Beep button pressed and we have Hologram John.)
JOHN: I can't believe I got the answer machine! What can you be doing that's more important than me? Anyway, you've probably traced the energy shift, found the body. All me, sorry about the mess. Bill me for the clean-up. Now, drinks! Retrolock the transmission coordinates, that's where I am. And hurry up, work to do!
(girl voice) Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope! (And to make it art he does the little look round too.)

JACK: Stay here. Don't come after me.
GWEN: Who was that?
JACK: Stay here.
GWEN: But... Hey Jack!! Wait!
(Car screeches off. In background Ianto, unnoticed, heads off in the opposite direction past the police tape.)
OWEN: Woah! You See that! He swans back in and then he shuts us right out.
GWEN: I'm not having this.
TOSH: I can track him.
IANTO: (*Whistle*) Taxi!

EXT NIGHT Cardiff street
(SUV comes round the corner, parks, Jack gets out. Sees BAR REUNION, takes deep breath and settles shoulders.)

INT BAR REUNION
(John sitting at the bar, line of drinks in front of them, downing them one at a time. Hears footsteps. Looks at door. Looks forward again, extreme close up of just his eyes. Then see his top half again as he knocks back another drink.)
(Western style doors are once again swept open dramatically. First we just see Jack's boots, then John's face as he steps away from the bar to face him, then we get the same boots-coat-face shot of Jack we had of John earlier. They're standing facing each other, classic high noon bit. John flips open the flaps on his holsters, then they're walking towards each other, the camera close on their face, one then the other. They stop standing in front of that firey sort of display, stare at each other, then... Kiss kiss bang bang... or, kissing then fighting. Which, own up, we all have memorised, yes? ANYways, passionate kissing, then John punches Jack, and Jack grins and laughs as he returns the favour. Song starts up.) {Blur, Song 2}
#Woo hoo... Well I feel heavy metal...Woo hoo... Well I'm pins and needles... Woo hoo... Well I lie and I'm easy... All of the time and I'm never sure why I need you... Yes I need you.#
(Except all that time they've been having a knock down drag out fight and after the first 'need you' they crash through a window so you don't really hear it. It just gets to the bit about 'I got my head' whatevered while Jack is getting his head dragged along the bar smashing the glasses. And then we cut to)

EXT NIGHT Black Taxi on a Cardiff street

TOSH: Reports coming in of a bar disturbance same coordinates as the SUV.
GWEN: Tell the police we're dealing with it.
OWEN: Okay, so Who the hell was the bloke in the hologram?
IANTO: Looked like Jack recognised him.
TOSH: Why didn't he let us go with him?
GWEN: Cause It's typical Jack isn't it, he disappears, he comes back, then he runs away again. Shuts us out. We don't even know his real name.
TOSH: Or which time he comes from.
GWEN: Exactly, He's supposed to be our boss, we know nothing about him. (hisses) It drives me crazy!
(Owen looks over at Tosh, who looks down; pause while neither says anything.)
IANTO: It is more fun when he's around, though.
OWEN: Yeah.
TOSH: Definitely!
GWEN: Yeah It is!

INT BAR REUNION
(Jack and John crashing through another big bit of glass – is that all of them then?)
(Stand, pull guns, end up with each pointing a gun at the other's head. Song ends.)
#Yeah... Oh yeah.#
(...since we know how long the song is we get the feeling that's how long the fight was, yes?)

(Panting, laughing, circling each other with guns still pointed)
JOHN: You're putting on weight...
JACK: You're losing your hair...
JOHN: What are you wearing?
JACK: Captain Jack Harkness, note the stripes.
JOHN: Captain John Hart, note the sarcasm.
JACK: Hey, I worked my way up through the ranks.
JOHN: I bet the ranks were very grateful. (*pants*) I need a drink.
JACK: I thought you'd never ask.
(Lower guns, turn as one to the bar. John chooses Jack a bottle of something clear, chooses something similar himself. Jack pulls the top out with his teeth, turns and sits. Doesn't actually drink. John turns and sits and starts to chug spirits like they're water which they are but we're supposed to ignore that. Jack looks all *raised eyebrow* about it.)
JACK: So how was rehab?
JOHN: Rehabs. Plural.
JACK: Drink, drugs, sex and...
JOHN: Murder.
JACK: Ha ha! You went to murder rehab?
JOHN: I know, ridiculous. The odd kill, who does it hurt?
JACK: You clean now?
JOHN: Yeah Kicked everything. Living like a priest.
JACK: (laughs, puts bottle down.) So, how's the Time Agency?
JOHN: You didn't hear? It's, ah, Shut down.
JACK: You're kidding.
JOHN: No. There's only seven of us left now.
JACK: Wow.
JOHN: It's good to see you. It was never the same without you.
(Leans in, looks kissy, but...)
JACK: You need to go. I don't want you on my territory.
JOHN: What? (Stands, puts bottle down.) Time was, you couldn't get enough of me on your "territory". (grabs gun – Jack's! ... and shoots glass out of both end doors) All right, everybody out!

(Team Torchwood enter, guns ready, Ianto and Gwen from front door, Owen and Tosh from back.)

GWEN: Everything all right, Jack?
JACK: It's ok, ok, ok.
JOHN: You've got a team! How sweet! Oh, pretty little friends! No blonde, though. You need a blonde.
OWEN: God, he's worse than Jack.
JOHN: Oh, do you have a team name? I love team names, go on!
JACK: Torchwood.
JOHN: Oh. Not Excalibur? Blizzard? Bikini Cops? No? Torchwood. Oh, dear.
JACK: Gwen Cooper, Ianto Jones, Toshiko Sato, Owen Harper, meet ...
JOHN: (Interrupts ... so we don't know what Jack might have called him...) Captain John Hart.
JACK: We go back.
JOHN: Excuse me. We more than go back. We were partners.
IANTO: In what way?
JOHN: In every way. And then some.
JACK: It was two weeks.
JOHN: Except that two weeks was trapped in a time loop, so we were together for five years. It was like having a wife.
JACK: You were the wife.
JOHN: YOU were the wife.
JACK: No, YOU were the wife.
JOHN: Oh, but I was a good wife.
TOSH: I bet you were. (Surprised looks all round.) What? Don't pretend you haven't noticed, he's cute.
JOHN: They're just shy.
JACK: What are you doing here?
JOHN: I was wondering when we'd get to that.
TOSH: That's the same as yours.
JACK: A little smaller.
JOHN: But lasts much longer. (Jack turns and goes to stand opposite John.) Get two Time Agents in the same room together, it's always about the size of the wrist strap.
OWEN: Yes, sorry, what's a Time Agent?
JOHN: What, he's never told you about his past?
GWEN: No, he hasn't.
JOHN: Anyway... (BEEP buttons on strap) I'm working with this woman, beautiful, clever, sexy, yadda yadda yadda, and we both get shot. And as she's dying, she begs me. She tells me about these radiation cluster bombs she'd been working on.
OWEN: I don't like the sound of that.
JOHN: Three canisters, contents beyond toxic, swallowed up in a riftstorm.
TOSH: And ended up here.
JOHN: Bingo. That's the downside of your city being built on a rift in space and time. Now, Left to their own devices, the radiation will break down the canisters... and then infect your people and planet. They need to be neutralised. (bleeps, deactivate holo)
JACK: What do you get out of this?
JOHN: Dying woman's wish. (Jack gives him a 'shyeah right' look.) Now, there's only one problem. I don't know where they are. Hoping local knowledge might help.
TOSH: When we get back to the Hub, I can run a citywide scan on radiation surges and cross reference that with the rift activity during that time span.
JOHN: What are you, the brains and the beauty? You see, together it's an easy job.
JACK: (closes in on John again) We do this, you get out of here when it's finished. Right away.
JOHN: Does this mean I get to see your house?

EXT. NIGHT: The fountain on the Plas

JOHN: You live in a sculpture? Could you be any more pretentious?
JACK: Get on. (standing next to the lift so he's not invisible, moves onto it as John does... I think.)
JOHN: So your team not allowed in this way?
JACK: This is the entrance for tourists.
JOHN: I remember the last time you said that. (lift starts moving) Where the hell are we...

INT The Hub
(we get a lovely long look around the newly redecorated Hub from new angles as the lift goes down.)

JOHN: It's roomy, I'll give you that. Your taste in interior design hasn't got any better, though. What is this, sewer chic?

(Lift stops, Jack gets off, holds up hand to stop John, who walks into it so it's hand on heart time.)

JACK: Weapons.

(John looks daggers. Ianto steps up with a silver tray ( <3 ). John takes out the two big guns and hands over the sheathed sword.)

JACK: And the rest.
JOHN: Oh, you know me, I'm a two-weapon man.
GWEN: One pistol strapped to each leg, laser knife beneath left elbow... 17 small explosive charges in the lining of his coat.
JOHN: (Hands them over as named) Slipped my mind.

INT New bit of Hub, the corridor

GWEN: He's a compulsive liar! Why is he here in the building?
JACK: There's the tiniest 1% chance he's breaking a habit of a lifetime, and telling the truth. Which means this city is in danger.
GWEN: What did he mean by a Time Agent? You've never mentioned it.
JACK: That was in the past.
GWEN: Oh okay, here we go again. You know everything about me, Jack, why do you keep shutting me out?
JACK: Here and now that's what's important. The work we do, the person I am now. That's what I'm proud of.
GWEN: Then why did you desert us?
(Big awkward pause)
GWEN: Where did you go? No, no, come on, where did you go? Tell me. Talk to me.
JACK: I have died so many times. Been dragged back into life, like being hauled over broken glass. I saw the end of the world.
GWEN: How?
JACK: Doesn't matter now. But after it was all over... I knew I belong here. What kept me fighting was the thought of coming home to you. (Runs hand down Gwen's arm, long eye contact moment, goes to hold her hand. Finds ring with his fingers.) What's this?
GWEN: That's an engagement ring, that is.
JACK: You're getting married?
GWEN: Yes. Rhys asked. When you were away.
JACK: Wow! Gwen Cooper getting married. Down on one knee?
GWEN: He tried to, and then he had a twinge in his back and had to lie on the settee, and that's when he popped the question.
JACK: And you said yes.
GWEN: Well, no-one else will have me. (Awkward pause 2, now even longer!)
JACK: Good for you. (Hug, cheek kiss. Stand looking at each other again. Then) We should get back to work.
GWEN: Mm-hm.

INT Hub, another new bit, Conference Room

TOSH: Seven hours ago we logged a minor surge in rift energy, across three locations.
JOHN: Six of us, three locations, that's simple. Two people per canister.
JACK: Excuse me, I give the orders.
JOHN: Well, give some, big boy!
GWEN: John's right. Sorry, erm, do you prefer John, or Captain?
JOHN: With eyes like yours, call me Vera, I won't complain.
GWEN: Tosh and Owen, take the north. Ianto and Jack go west. Me and Vera will take the docks.
JACK: Excuse me, not to repeat myself.
GWEN: Got a problem with this, Jack?
JACK: (long measuring look, then looks over at John.) Not at all.
JOHN: Now, given the canisters are radioactive, don't open them, eh?
(Ianto eyeroll)
GWEN: Lets go, guys.
JACK: Gwen, I need a word.
JOHN: Oh, Can I watch this bit... He's gonna give you all the dos and don'ts. I love it.
JACK: She'll be with you in a second. (points at the door)
(John gets up and leaves)

JACK: What the hell are you doing?
GWEN: If I can get him talking, flirt a bit, he might drop his guard. I can find out what he's really up to.
JACK: OK, clever.
GWEN: Thank you.
JACK: But dangerous, leave it to me.
GWEN: I led the team while you were away, Jack. I can handle this. He knows you too well, he'll never tell you the truth.
JACK: Three rules. One - don't believe anything he says. Two - always keep him in front of you. And three - under no circumstances let him kiss you.
GWEN: As if I would!
JOHN: Has he gone to the no-kissing rule yet? He only invented that because he wants me all to himself.
GWEN: (Heads off down the corridor) Keep in front.
(John peels off the wall hips first and swaggers away)

EXT NIGHT Cardiff streets from the sky
Swiftly to
EXT NIGHT Docks, stacks and stacks of containers
(At least in theory it's EXT, in practice it's likely INT with a few sound effects, but you know that anyway.)

JOHN: Nothing. Are you sure this is the right spot?
GWEN: Yeah. But containers get shifted all the time.
JOHN: This could take days.
GWEN: So that woman, the one with the canister, how did you get to know her again?
JOHN: We were in love.
GWEN: Oh. I'm sorry. Did they catch the person who shot her?
JOHN: Do we have to talk about this?
GWEN: No, no, of course not.
(Gwen's phone RINGS. She ignores it.)
JOHN: Don't mind me.
(Gwen gets her phone out, checks name, and answers. She turns away from John to be private.)
GWEN: Shouldn't you be asleep?
RHYS: I got it!
GWEN: Sorry?
RHYS: Manager at Harwoods! The letter was on the mat! I got the bloody job!
GWEN: Oh, my God! Rhys, that is fantastic!
JOHN: Baby, you're fantastic too. Yeah, just there!
(He's crowding her, doing phone sex voice. She shoves him back with her torch and then walks away, concentrating on the phone. We see who actually has the trick of that unbalancing flirting trick.)
RHYS: Who's that?
GWEN: It's some idiot I work with that's all.
RHYS: I don't suppose there's any chance of me seeing you before breakfast?
GWEN: It looks like it's gonna be an all-nighter. Go on, Get yourself to bed. I am so proud of you. I love you.
RHYS: Yeah, well, I love you more.
GWEN: Bye! (Hangs up, looks around ... can't find him.) John? John? John! John!!
JOHN: Worried you'd lost me?
(Gwen spins round, gun drawn and levelled at him.)
JOHN: Whoa. Little bit jumpy there?
GWEN: Keep in front of me, OK?
JOHN: God, you're so untrusting. But with your boss it's probably wise.
GWEN: Yeah, well, I trust him just fine, thank you.
JOHN: Once a conman, always a conman.
GWEN: What do you mean by that?
JOHN: Look, just don't rely on him, Gwen. There's a lot about him you don't know. (Goes over to container doors.) Fancy a peek? (Camera is inside in the dark... with the canister.) Aha.
GWEN: Is that it? (Goes in in front of John, turns her back on him, to go grab the maybe-bomb. She's not very good at this, is she?)
(John comes up behind her, grabs her, swings her into the wall.)
GWEN: What are you doing?!
(John kisses her. She shoves him away.)
GWEN: Get off me!
JOHN: (laughs) Celebrating, that's all. God, the 21st century is so frigid!
GWEN: What've you done? (Gwen collapses)
JOHN: Don't get up. I mean, you can't anyway. Paralysing lip gloss. I think it might have even been Jack taught me that trick. Just one problem, if you're not found in two hours, your major organs will go into shutdown. (Holds up canister.) Thanks.
(Gwen finally hits floor, can't move. We hear John walk off.)
JOHN: You gonna be OK in here without me? (He stops in the door, turns, loses the joking voice.) He won't stay with you. He and I shared something.
(John turns, swings the door shut, leaves Gwen in the dark. Outside he secures the door, then throws Gwen's phone waaaaaay over the next row of containers. Walks off towards camera. I like that he's always doing that, it's much more in your face and aggressive than walking off out the side somewhere.)

EXT NIGHT Cardiff from above – one last shot of the containers then whoosh above the streets. I should just call that 'standard transition' or something quick like that, right?

INT Dark warehouse

TOSH: (Tries switch.) No bulbs.
OWEN: No, cos that would only be helpful. Oh, great, how are we gonna find a canister in all this tut? What are we doing with our lives, Tosh?
TOSH: I know, we should be out having fun! Bet you'd normally be out on the pull, this time of night.
OWEN: Oh, no, bollocks to that, Tosh. Talk about diminishing returns.
TOSH: Not with you.
OWEN: Well, you know, I've done all that, aren't I. Where did it get me? No, you know, I need a proper woman, you know. Someone I've got something in common with, you know. Er, got anyone on the horizon?
TOSH: Like you say, difficult to meet anyone I've got anything in common with. What with the things we see.
OWEN: You beauty! (scraping noises, Owen climbs up and finds it on a high shelf.) Yes! job done!
JOHN: (From out the dark) Good work, team!
TOSH: (Spins round, aims torch at his face) Where's Gwen? (starts grabbing in her pockets... for gun?)
(John walks up steadily, grabs, headbutts her in the face. Pain gasp and Tosh falls. Owen climbs down. John aims gun – Gwen's – at Owen.)
JOHN: Ah ah ah... Gun on the floor. (Changes aim to Tosh, still bleeding on her knees.) Or I shoot her.
OWEN: Jack, where are you?
JOHN: I muted the comm system as soon as we left the palace under the pavement. I love my little wrist strap. Now... Phones.
OWEN: You touch her again, and I will kill you. OK? (slides phone across. John picks up a cricket bat.)
JOHN: The efficiency of a gun or the brutality of wood?
OWEN: Yeah, look, stop toying with me and get on with it.
(*BANG*)

INT Night, Office
(It's got swing doors so we get another Jack grand entrance, with squeaky door effect, sweeping the right hand door open. Which, er, clearly needs noting. But it's a doors sort of episode, yesno?)
(There's much interesting to be had in the way the guys move in this one, especially if you compare/contrast earlier with Gwen. Close up in their own corridor with a bit of metal in the way, compared with far apart in strange territory, office desks in between them. Muchly metaphorical. But this is just a transcript, so I should just put what they say.)

JACK: Oh, yeah! Loving that officey feel! I always get excited in these places. To me, they're exotic. Office romances... photocopying your butt... Maybe not your butt, although as we're here...
IANTO: The rift was active at these coordinates 200 feet above ground. That means this floor or the roof.
(pause of awkward, audible breath)
JACK: How are you, Ianto?
IANTO: All the better for having you back, sir.
JACK: Can we maybe drop the sir, now? While I was away, I was thinking... Maybe we could, when this is all done... Dinner? A movie?
(pause of turns and stares at him)
IANTO: Are... you asking me out on a date?
JACK: Interested?
IANTO: Well... As long as it's not in an office. Some fetishes should be kept to yourself.
(pause and apparent topic change)
JACK: Looks like we're gonna have to go through every drawer, bin and plant pot.
IANTO: Right. OK. I'll do this floor, don't want you getting overexcited, and you take the roof. You're good on roofs.
(Jack takes Ianto's orders. Repeat ... Ianto is the boss of him. Jack gets to the door but...)
IANTO: Jack? Why are we h-helping him?
JACK: He's a reminder of my past. I want him gone.
(Serious look. Turns, hand on door. Ianto goes back to working. Jack turns back to him.)
JACK: By the way... Was that a yes?
IANTO: Yes! Yes.
(So fast Jack was still on 's' when Ianto answered. Yeah, play it cool...)
(Jack grin of glee ... seriously, this is up there with the TARDIS yaay grin ... and raised eyebrows. Then leaving, with door squeak. This building clearly needs more maintenance.)

(Background music changes, busy now. Jack on roof looking for things. Shot from further away so we can see how high up he is. Zooms in again.)
(Ianto alone in the office. Searches in drawers and stuff.)
(Lift goes *ding*.)
(Ianto, seen through door glass, turns to look. Lift door noises. Ianto pulls his gun, keeps it aimed at the floor and peers through the glass. Pushes door open. Camera now at other end of lift area, sees him edging into the corridor. He moves down and we get some shaky handheld pov shots as he looks at the lifts. He's biting his lips and he's got the gun almost but not quite up. Aims, peers at open lift, then we hear him breathing heavy as he steps around to see into it.)
(From behind, a hand holding a gun, pressing it to Ianto's head. Oops.)

JOHN: Into the lift, eye candy.
(Ianto face of Oh Shit, then hands up and handing over his gun. Which has TORCHWOOD written down the side on a neat little plaque. Designer weaponry FTW. Ianto turns to face John, still looking very uh oh.)
JOHN: Your friends are bleeding and dying. You barely have enough time to save them.
(John has backed Ianto into the lift. Ianto, now looking a bit more annoyed than scared, hits his earpiece and talks.)
IANTO: Owen? Gwen?
JOHN: What am I, a child? It's a primitive bit of technology, easily blocked, you should be embarrassed. And when you get to the bottom, run. You look like a man who enjoys a challenge, see if you can save them. Come back up here, I'll shoot on sight.
LIFT VOICE: 'Going down.'
JOHN: Going down! Yes, please.
(John backs away to let the doors close... Ianto steps forwards and stops them with his hands, now definitely pissed off. John much surprised.)
IANTO: Why are you doing this?
JOHN: We're a cosmic joke, eye candy. An accident of chemicals and evolution. The jokes, the sex, just cover the fact that nothing means anything. And the only consolation is money. So run, Ianto Jones!
LIFT VOICE: 'Going down.' 'Doors closing.'
(Ianto turns and thumps the wall as doors shut him in.)

EXT NIGHT outside office building
(Ianto runs, gets in SUV, which drives off in a hurry. Camera goes up the outside of tall building until it's on the roof. We see the canister on the very edge of the building. Jack finds it, bends over to pick it up. Camera now behind him, and...)

JOHN: Rear of the Year, 5094. Still looking good.
(Phone rings, Jack gets it out, John takes it and tosses it.)
JOHN: Cute boy, ringing to warn you about me. Canister.
JACK: If you've harmed them //in any way...
JOHN: You know,// They're pretty, but stupid. You used to have better taste.
JACK: Doesn't look like that from here.
JOHN: Just give it here.
JACK: Radiation cluster bombs? Really?
JOHN: Let's not get hung up on details.
JACK: Little embarrassing that you needed help to find them.
JOHN: A little humiliating you fell for the scam. Your dolly birds did all my leg work.
JACK: Is that what you wanted?
JOHN: What I want, is for you to come to your senses. Join me, Jack. Back in the old routine. We'd be emperors. How can you stay tied to one planet when there's thousands of worlds, sparkling with wonder? We should be up there, among the stars, claiming them for our own. Just like before.
JACK: I can't.
JOHN: Why not? What the hell is there to keep you here? Come on. The glitter of the galaxy. The mischief we could make.
(big pause)
JACK: You know, you never really mastered that temptation spiel.
JOHN: It's not a spiel. It's fact.
JACK: Move on. Here I am, in a new life and you're still churning out the same old tunes. And Sorry, but they don't play as well, now you're looking a little older. And What are they, wrinkles around your eyes?
JOHN: Laugh lines.
JACK: Oh, hell of a good joke.
JOHN: It's you I'm laughing at. Canister.
(Jack holds it up then tosses it backwards, over the edge.)
JACK: Whoops.
(John glares at him. Jack laughs. John steps forwards and shoves him.)
JOHN: Whoops.
(Jack falls, long, long way down. He yells once in surprise but doesn't scream at the drop. John leans over and watches him, mouth open, eyes... well it's a complicated sort of a face. Sees him hit the bench with a squishy noise. Pushes up from the edge of the roof with dramatic gesture, turns and swaggers off.)

EXT NIGHT Cardiff from above again
(SUV on city streets, Ianto getting his earpiece in... a different one? The other ear?? ...and phone ringing on cracked concrete. Ianto tapping steering wheel.)

IANTO: Come on.

(Gwen still lying in the dark staring. Then streets and car from above again.)

INT Dark warehouse

OWEN: Agh!
TOSH: I'm sorry! I'm sorry.
OWEN: Ow! (He's got his belt undone and jeans part down, and they're doing something medical to his hip. Messy.)
TOSH: Why didn't he just kill us?
OWEN: He got what he wanted. But maybe he just underestimated us.
(Outside, Ianto breaks a padlock with a crowbar)
IANTO: Tosh! Owen!
TOSH: Ianto!
IANTO: Tosh!
TOSH: We're over here.
IANTO: What happened?
TOSH: Where's Gwen? Have you heard from Gwen?
IANTO: No.

EXT NIGHT Outside that office building, ground floor
(John exits building through the spinning doors, which squeak. TV world needs a lot of oil. John strides towards camera, bends to pick up canister. Camera tracks ahead of him over to the bench Jack's body is on. Camera is eye level with bendy corpse, so John's boots step in from one side, about when the piano music starts. John crouches down level. We get long shot with Jack bent right over, looking kind of small in the middle there. John puts canister down.)

JOHN: Rehab... (Close up on dead Jack face.) Didn't really work. (John takes Jack's wrist strap.) Front door key. Thanks. (Not sounding so jokey or confident at all now. Close on Jack again, and John runs his fingers over Jack's lips. Oddly tender gesture for the guy that just killed him. He looks at him a moment, takes a breath, and grabs the canister as he stands. As he straightens out of shot he sniffs. Then we get a very long shot from the top of the building to watch teeny tiny him walk away.)

EXT NIGHT Docks
(Again it's that theoretical ext that's all made of container doors.)

IANTO: If she's in one of these, we'll never find her, there's too many!
TOSH: Just keep looking!
OWEN: Aah! God, I need more painkillers!
IANTO: I'll try her phone again.
(Camera whoosh through the closed door to see Gwen inside that very container in the dark. Phone rings and she looks around, but only with her eyes. Only bit she can move.)
IANTO: (Outside, looks around.) Over here! (runs)
OWEN: She must've dropped it.
IANTO: Gwen! Gwen!
TOSH: Unless it's another of Captain John's tricks.
IANTO: What're you doing?
TOSH: If Gwen used the phone here, I can use the network to triangulate the location where she answered her last call. Got it! (runs) This is where she made the call. Open every container door! (door swings open) She's in here! Gwen, it's all right. We're here with you. What happened? What's he done to her?
OWEN: She's still breathing, no discernible injuries. Tosh, let's get this thing started. Ianto, take a swab. Right, pupils dilating, she's still conscious. Stay with us, darling.
TOSH: (Refering to laptop) He's poisoned her.
OWEN: (Looking at Ianto) Anti-toxin kit now! (Shining light in Gwen's eyes.) Gwen, hold on.

EXT DAY Cardiff from above, the bay and therefore Hub area
(Sun is just up, tells us when we're at.)

INT Hub, Autopsy area
(Close up on John's hands with canister. He opens it, takes out a tile, adds it to the others to form a triangle. Goes over to the Blowfish corpse and checks the pockets.)
JOHN: Had to go and steal a car. Get yourself noticed. (Pulls out bleeping blinking pyramid.) Now.. (Holds it over the triangle, ready...)
(*Guns cocking* and Team Torchwood aiming them.)
JOHN: OK... (stops pyramid beeping, stands up) Pretty and resilient. Is that even fair?
GWEN: Maybe you didn't realise. You can beat, shoot, threaten, and even poison us, and we keep coming back. Stronger every time.
JOHN: Well, I think you ought to know, your boss is splayed out on the. ..
(Jack grand entrance again, steps in between Gwen and Owen.)
JOHN: Pavement. Now that's impressive. Seriously, you can earn a fortune in the Vegas galaxies with an act like that. Go on, how's it work?
JACK: I can't die.
JOHN: No but, really...
JACK: No, but really, you can't kill me. No matter how many times you try. I can't die. Ever.
(Long stunned pause. Jack starts to walk down to John. Gwen and Ianto have to lower their guns to let him; Ianto's looking daggers at John.)
JOHN: But what does it cost you? Every time you have to drag yourself back here, how does it feel? All that pain and trauma. Plus, you're reborn into this godforsaken mess. I pity you.
JACK: These people, this planet, all the beauty you could never see. That's what I come back for.
JOHN: Well, goody on you.
GWEN: What's in the canisters?
OWEN: It's come-clean time, Captain.
JOHN: Yeah, all right. That woman I told you about, had herself an Arcadian diamond, the rarest gem in the Damascene Cluster. Just when I'd got my hands on her, she only generates her own personal riftstorm. God, I hate technological geniuses.
TOSH: You said this was a dying woman's request.
JOHN: Yeah, she was dying. I shot her. I thought my luck had changed when I found it, it ended up here. So, I'm thinking 50/50? Even split, good deal. Or if anyone fancies an orgy?
(Ianto face of eyeroll while thinking about it, then keeping his gun up.)

INT Hub, Jack's office.
(Starting with a close up of the glowy pyramid on Jack's desk, then up to see Jack sitting at said desk, leaned back, one hand to his mouth.)

JACK: Open it.
JOHN: What, not even a please? Don't your manners get brought back to life too?
JACK: Now!
JOHN: This should give us the location of the diamond. (Holo Ghost appears.) There she is.
GWEN: The woman you murdered.
HOLO GHOST: You've travelled several galaxies for this. Well done.
JOHN: Thank you, gorgeous.
HOLO GHOST: Except. . .There's no diamond.
JOHN: What?
HOLO GHOST: Only this.
JOHN: No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no..... there's got to be a diamond. It's all about the diamond! What the hell is tha...
HOLO GHOST: It's an explosive device, which will latch on to the DNA of whoever killed me. It'll detonate in ten minutes. (Ianto hand in pocket, stopwatch ticking, pulls it out.) It can't be removed without exploding, so don't bother trying. Goodbye. . . lover.
JOHN: No wait!!
HOLO GHOST: See you in hell!
GWEN: She can't be serious. Ten minutes.
JOHN: Get it off me!!
IANTO: Actually, nine minutes 50, 49, 48... Always at the ready! (Shows off stopwatch with gloaty glee face.)
GWEN: Okay, How big is this explosion likely to be Jack?
JACK: That technology, that size - big.
OWEN: So We should really get him out of the city.
IANTO: Nine minutes 37.
JOHN: You've got to help me! Please.
JACK: Why?
(Punches Jack, grabs Gwen. Owen pulls gun but John is dragging Gwen around as human shield. Everyone's yelling at once.)
OWEN: Let her go.
JOHN: Back, get back.
GWEN: Jack, help me!
JOHN: Get back! (Bleepy noises and he drops Gwen. Raises right hand ... now they're handcuffed together. BTW, he used his left hand for guns, so that's his off hand he's chained up.)
GWEN: What've you done?!
JOHN: It's hypersteel, impermeable, deadlock sealed. No way to undo them. Unless you have this key. (Swallows it.)
GWEN: You are unbelievable!
JOHN: And yet, you still find me strangely attractive. Now you had better find a solution pronto or she'll be blown up with me!
OWEN: Would shooting him stop the DNA trigger?
JACK: No.
JOHN: So! What are we gonna do now, team? The orgy's still on offer. Especially now the cuffs are out.
IANTO: Nine minutes, four seconds.
GWEN: The rift predictor program, have you perfected yet?
TOSH: Pretty much.
JOHN: What?
GWEN: Anything in the next few minutes?
JACK: Gwen, no way.
JOHN: What's she talking about?
GWEN: If we're in the rift when that disc explodes, the city will be safe.
JOHN: How does that save us?
GWEN: It doesn't.
IANTO: Eight 32, 31...
JOHN: You're bluffing.
GWEN: Try me.
TOSH: The car park where he arrived. The crack in the rift is still active up there.
GWEN: That's where we're going.
JOHN: Somebody better start doing something.
(Jack goes to follow them, Owen grabs him and heads for the autopsy room, while voices off say...)
IANTO: Cut his hand off!
TOSH: That would activate the bomb.
GWEN: Don't make me pull you! Get up the stairs - now!
(Owen goes in autopsy bay fridge and pulls out little blood sample tubes. Selects some and passes them to Jack, who pours them together. One says Ianto, Jones. Er, we learn Owen makes his own labels and gets first/last name mixed up... *shrugs*)

EXT DAY Cardiff landmarks, from, you guessed it, above.
(Then SUV on city streets, and close up on Ianto hand with stopwatch.)
IANTO: Five minutes 22 seconds.
TOSH: I can't find the frequency the device works on. There's no chance of jamming it!
GWEN: What happened to Jack? He should be here.
JOHN: What I've been saying all along, unreliable.
GWEN: Shut up!
JOHN: Think I'm starting to see what he likes about it here. She's beautiful, he's stunning.
GWEN: Don't you ever stop?
JOHN: What five minutes to live, you want me to behave? Oh, that's gorgeous.
GWEN: That's a poodle.
JOHN: That's nice.

INT Hub, Autopsy bay

JACK: This better work.
OWEN: Trust me, I'm an improviser.

EXT DAY Car park roof again

GWEN: Out! Get out!
JOHN: Ow, ow! I do love a woman who's rough.
IANTO: 51 seconds.
JOHN: You're not really gonna sacrifice yourself are you?
IANTO: 45 seconds.
GWEN: We have to go.
JOHN: No! What about a last-minute rescue? What's the point of being on a team if you don't get a last-minute rescue!
IANTO: 40 seconds.
GWEN: Tell... tell Jack... Tell Jack I...
(Blowfish sports car screeches up, Jack at the wheel. Jack and Owen climb out, Owen holding his side. Jack jumps over the door, something in his hand.)
IANTO: 30 seconds.
JOHN: Now Er, what's he doing?
(Jack charges in and knocks both Gwen and John to the ground. Stabs John in the chest with a syringe full of red.)
JOHN: Agh! Get off me!

JACK: Owen, it's not working.
IANTO: 15 seconds!
TOSH: What are you doing?!
OWEN: Trying to confuse the disc!
JACK: Why hasn't it worked?
OWEN: I don't know!
IANTO: 12 seconds!
TOSH: Jack, do something!
(Speechless panting pause.)
GWEN: I've gotta go, Jack.
(Jack grabs John... and the bomb finally falls. Dramatic running and throwing time!)
IANTO: Five... Four... Three... Two... One!
?: Go!
?: Run!
(Nice combination of explosion, being thrown across the roof, and day to night effect. Shiny!)

NIGHT of same roof, in mid fall
(Everyone lands, looks around. Jack checks his watch. Which is clearly useful, for it will tell him he hasn't been knocked out or something. And not because he's looking for his wrist strap and it's gone.)

JACK: What the hell?
GWEN: Jack, what's going on? Why's it gone dark?
JACK: The rift's reverted to the moment he came through. Everything's jumped back to the beginning of the night.
GWEN: Like you were never here.
JACK: Now we've got to avoid ourselves, great!
JOHN: It's a temporal displacement! Makes your tongue tingle, doesn't it? Lovely!
GWEN: What was in the syringe?
OWEN: Torchwood DNA.
GWEN: What?
OWEN: DNA samples from the five of us, fused and injected into his heart. Temporarily corrupted his DNA coding, confused the disc.
JOHN: You mean, there's a bit of all of you inside of me? Sweet goddesses, that's all I need.
GWEN: Thank you, Owen.
OWEN: You're welcome.
JACK: I want you gone.
GWEN: Well, we've got to work out a way to get these off first.
JOHN: Actually... (Reaches in throat, makes choking noises, pulls out key.) Old Artesian trick. Keep it in the lining of the throat. Has a lot of uses.
GWEN: You had that all along?

JOHN: You were my passport to survival. No hard feelings. Well, not in that sense.
(Gwen hauls off and punches him one. He goes splat.)
IANTO: Remind me never to get on your bad side.
JACK: Ahem! (John hands over strap) Definitely bigger.
JOHN: (Sniffs, looks shifty.) If you need a new team member...
JACK: No.
JOHN: Really? I could. ..
JACK: No.
JOHN: But...
JACK: No. Go now, and you can harness the residual rift energy.
JOHN: Listen...
JACK: Goodbye.
JOHN: OK. (Kisses Jack. Pats him on the chest. Turns. Heads for the rift opening. Uses wrist strap. Gold glow comes up.) Oh! By the way... I meant to tell you... I found Gray.
(Zoom in on Jack's face, hear *screams*, see white background and two hands, being pulled apart maybe. Back to the roof and Jack looks poleaxed. John turns, eyes going gold, and fades into the rift.)
GWEN: Who's Gray?
JACK: (Long pause with huffing breaths. So he's almost certainly lying when he says) It's nothing. (Pause, breath, turn.) Let's get back to work.

(And wedge formation Team Torchwood turn and follow him back to the cars, power walk to wrap things up. Now it's Jack walking right to the camera, until he fills the screen. Then 'TORCHWOOD', end title.)


Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk

Transcript by beccaelizabeth, who really should have something better to do, but hey, watched the whole thing about a billion times now and it's not even next episode yet.

 

 

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