fuckmax fuckmax fuckmax
Do you worry that a current or potential relationship may
not end up fucked, that all those other people will get to be
Springer guests but you'll be left out?
You don't need to have met in a crowded, smoky
convent, barn, or AOL chat room in order to get on the right train for
fuckage. There are some simple things to watch out for; if these things
don't happen, dump your partner and try again (after scarring him/her for
life, just in case you later discover that you were made for each
other. Why settle for purgatory when somewhere Hell has made a match just
for you?
All these things have happened to either a 'friend of a friend'
or someone in a news story. In some cases, I was the friend after the 'of
a'. Some of these things aren't so bad when taken on their own, so try to
make sure your relationship has as many of them as possible.
Your partner wants a wedding:
- that is more exciting than his/her last four, one of which involved a striptease
- held in his open-plan office (bonus points for 'in the machine room because he doesn't want to miss the Quake tournament')
- with one of her relatives but has settled for you instead (bonus points for wanting to marry more than one relative, of different genders)
Since you met, your partner has changed his/her:
- name at least twice 'just for fun' (bonus points for names with at
least three different ethnic connotations and for making you change your
name too)
- mind both about becoming a Wiccan and about becoming a Scientologist (bonus points for deciding to do both at the same time)
- body by having small animals bite holes in his skin and, when you found out, offered to let you try it
Your partner beats/whips you:
- because his parents told him to and you respect family tradition
- and you know he will stop once you get married (bonus points for 'again')
- and he apologies as he beats you (bonus points for drawing blood again in order to have enough ink for the apology note
You name your baby boy:
- Abba
- Abyss
- Amen
- Apple
- Bear
- Blade
- Confession
- Dwarf
- Gospel
- Hey
- Knight Sir Lancelot
- Lisa
- Nadir
- Stalin
- Unique
- Malakai Free-Bird Shaunti Life Gray
You name your baby girl:
- Alaska
- Albert
- Beautiphul
- Boat
- Chaos
- Chevette
- Nada
- Precious Angel
- Prince
- Sequoia Leigh
- Sin
- Symphony
- Tequilla
- Unique
- Virgin
Other names spotted in the wild include:
Marnayre, Jenalone, Aaliyahaa, Aalazuaha, Caeleenda, Arionniyia,
Bishmi Born Freedom Washington, Summer Prairie Butts,
Aubrielle Lydia Rose, Sienna Cheyenne Elise, Elise Lauren Symphony,
Kyler Willow, Jaden Tate, Gwenevere Isis, Autumn Piper, Scarlett Alouette,
Echo Geneva, Kyah Ember, Ophelia Marilee, Marlee Khallie, Eden Leighla,
Sage, Lilia Sonora Jaclyn, Kiara Jenice, Aryonna Syvonne,
Bacardi (Cardi) Rose, Corenna Victoria Mae (Cody), Angelick
Alaynah Julianna Kate (Layne), Irena Jessamin Cosette, Charnel,
Jacqueline Cherise Adhelle, Wilhelmina Jacklene Mannon, Warryn,
Wayley, Athyanna Madison, Darviion DeNail, Ke'Aera Leota, Makayla Renae,
Zoe Ashton-Inez, Urhines Kendall Icy Eight Special K [surname not provided
in the hospital's birth announcemnt, and Wakayla
Your partner calls you:
- a 'raghead' because you are a Muslim
- twice each day when you're on your way home from work and listens for female voices in the background
- 'you disgusting horrible thing' when he's being romantic
You have gained:
- at least 30 kilos since you met your partner
- and lost three different psychologists in the last year (bonus if 'it's their fault')
- children from three of his previous marriages
Ring things:
- You are 14 and your beau is 15 and he has given you a diamond engagement ring already (bonus if you lose the ring within a week and don't worry about it because you know he will get you another one).
- The engagement ring is kept in the house but he won't let you touch it until you conform to what he wants in a fiancee.
- He has you ring his ex-girlfriend to ask for the ring so you can have it.
If you want, you can go back to
our home.
© 2000 Anna Shefl