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May 2018

31 May 2018

Munich suffered delays and cancellations to 86 of its train departures because of a heavily intoxicated man. The 25-year-old man fell asleep in a freight-train container car near the Pasing station, then awoke at 5:20am with no idea where he was. He rang the police, and all rail traffic was suspended while officers conducted a train-by-train search. After about an hour, he was located and arrested on charges of trespassing.

Angelique Sanchez visited a 7-Eleven convenience store in Aurora, Colorado, to use its microwave oven. While she was doing so, there was a loud bang. The shop clerk confronted Sanchez, who responded by wiping spilt yellow liquid onto the floor before walking out with her white plastic bottle. Police officers called to the scene found the 26-year-old Sanchez at a nearby clinic where she had been scheduled for urinalysis. She has been issued a summons for causing property damage. We don't know whether she has been hired by the company that mandated the urine test.

In other human-waste-related news, New Jersey police now know the identity of the 'mystery pooper' who had been depositing a fresh gift of human faeces daily on the Holmdel High School sports ground. School staff monitoring the area caught the culprit brown-handed: Thomas Tramaglini, the 42-year-old superintendent of a rival school district. The board of that school district announced that 'given the nature of those charges, he asked for and was granted a paid leave of absence'.

Florida's Angelo Beckford shot his wife for making a mess in the couple's house, then stuffed her corpse in a storage bin in his shed. Apparently, he was proud of his handiwork, showing it off to neighbours. Speaking for the St. Petersburg police, Yolanda Fernandez said: 'We had people who actually came to the police department to report that this man had invited them in, shown them what looked like a woman who could be dead or unconscious in his home.' The 40-year-old Beckford, who a month earlier had completed a 10-year prison sentence for attempted robbery with a deadly weapon, failed in his attempt to flee the SWAT team who soon arrived at the home.

Also in St. Petersburg, Florida, a woman sent a co-worker the text message 'you're going down'. The sender, 25-year-old Ambrisha Costin, also showed other co-workers some photos she had taken of this work rival sitting on the toilet. Costin herself may well be going down; she faces a charge of committing felony-level voyeurism.

In Newton, Kansas, a 24-year-old man sporting a 0.35 blood alcohol level and possibly a head injury attempted to have sex with a car. When officers arrived on the scene, he was attempting to insert his penis in the tailpipe, according to police lieutenant Scott Powel. Since the man remained 'completely oblivious to everyone standing around and telling him to stop', he was ultimately subdued with a stun gun and taken to the local hospital's emergency room. Charges of misdemeanor lewd and lascivious behavior are expected.

Meanwhile in Nebraska, a Council Bluffs police officer on patrol at 4am heard the sound of a stun gun, then saw a nearly naked man with a bottle of vegetable oil streak down the street. A woman was not far behind.
The officer interrupted the chase, whereupon the man explained that the woman was his girlfriend, who had earlier refused to leave his home or at least argue at a volume less likely to awaken his mother. She did leave but only in pursuit of him after he'd emphasised his point by biting her arm. As for the oil, he'd planned to dump it on her head. He and some clothes from his home were deposited in a jail cell after the girlfriend echoed his recounting of events.

A woman in San Antonio, Texas, took two apparently abandoned kittens home with her. When she and two friends, visiting from elsewhere in the state started bottle-feeding them, the animals' teeth left the bottles in tatters and left the three humans with bite wounds as a memento of the visit. With suspicions raised, they turned to the Internet to research the kittens' markings, then contacted the city's Animal Care Services unit for advice on what to do with bobcat cubs. Officials will attempt to reunite the animals with their mother if possible.

The BBC reports on a newly inked mother in Sweden who, on the way home from the tattoo parlour, asked her cousin to take a picture of her arm. Upon seeing the letters right-way up, the mother spotted a spelling error: her son's name was rendered as 'Kelvin', not 'Kevin'.
Not wanting to wait a year for a complete fix via laser surgery, the mother, identified only as Johanna, has chosen another approach. She is changing the five-year-old boy's name to match the tattoo. Her daughter, Nova, emerges unscathed.
Johanna says of the new name: 'Now we like it better and do not want to change back.' As for further tattoos, she plans to check '10,000 times' that the tattoo artist can spell the name of her new daughter, Freya.

When Ely's James Johnson entered the Eastleigh Travelodge, where he was staying with two friends, the clerk assumed him to be intoxicated, because of the brassiere over his shirt and the sack of potatoes he was carrying. Staff approaching the room recognised the smell of cannabis and rang the police. A search of the room revealed various types of psychedelic substances on which Johnson, 30, had been bingeing for five days in place of his prescription medicines. They also discovered the potatoes' destination: he had been filling the bath with spuds. Obviously.
When Southampton Crown Court judge Peter Henry asked Johnson why he did all this, he explained that 'it felt like the right thing to do at the time'. He might have some regrets, though: the drugs lab stated that the substances he'd paid about 700 euros for online were worth less than half that, with some being inert.

Thanks to Aimee for alerting me to a 45-year-old man from Pawtucket, Rhode Island, who wanted to have a bit of fun at a shopping centre in Providence. Mounting the escalator rail to ride it down from the cinema level, he didn't account for the handrail's downward slope. According to local police chief Hugh Clements, the man fell backward from the cinema level and hit his head on a table in the food court. Hospital workers diagnosed him as having suffered massive injuries and being dead.
He is not the first. According to local media, 'a handful of people' have fatally fallen from the escalator in its 18-year history.

Missouri's Kansas City Star reports on a final-year prank pulled by honours student Kylan Scheele in the lead-up to his graduation from Truman High School. Recycling an idea used by others, the 18-year-old Scheele listed his school for sale on Craigslist. His version of the prank included an attempt to indicate that he and his classmates will be missed: 'The reason for the sale is due to the loss of students coming up.' In the ensuing fuss, Craigslist received an emergency subpoena related to targeting of the school for violence. Concerned parents started collecting their children while the police and school officials were busy tracking the advert to Scheele.
He has been suspended for the remainder of the academic year. Though gutted at sitting out the graduation ceremony, Scheele said that in hindsight he would still run the advert, but with 'a better choice of words to make it blatantly obvious that it was a joke. Or I would just write at the end of it: "This is a joke."'

[IMG: The cake] An honours student features in our final item too. A South Carolina woman decided to buy a graduation cake for her son from a Publix grocery store. When she entered on the online form that the cake should read 'Congrats Jacob! Summa Cum Laude / class of 2018', the validation script marked 'cum' as a vulgarity and substituted three hyphens. Accordingly, she used the 'special instructions' box to explain the Latin phrase. However, when a family member brought her the completed $70 cake, it featured three hyphens. Her payment has since been refunded.

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