Tallinn Crap Beer Festival

General crap is here

Tallinn Crap Beer Festival 2020 updates

4 May 2020

A Crap Summary

We welcomed our guests with harms outstretched

And they reached out too:

After lots of musing, people cast their votes,
mostly by facial expression

And by sizes of contributions to the slop bucket

PLENTY OF LOSERS WERE PRESENT, BUT
The clear winner of Worst Prize, or the Kung av Kräp award, is
... Kopparberg's Swedish Elk
The jury highlighted this entry's
•  dry hopping with body odour and
•  unique, all-pervasive weed character

Second-worst was
... Åbro Kung
It was not(e)worthy in particular for:
•  tastes of onions and other vegetables
Voting was tight for third-worst,
so we kept going, in order to score the losers:

Yep, it's confirmed - third-worst was
... Gubernija Traditional Bock
Keyturds:
•  messy,
•  mushroomy,
•  like a watered-down high-gravity brew

Finally, here is a grab of some images posted on Facebook
(Larger versions are here, here, and here)

3 May 2020, afternoon

Awards and some photos will be posted tomorrow.

In the meantime, someone is just about sober enough to post...

THE LIST OF CRAPS:

Name
Boostage ml count Source

Session 1
Miller Genuine Draft, Staropramen 4.7% 330 Shtaff

Argus Camaro 4.6% 330 Shtaff

A. Le Coq Alexander Strong 7.0% 330x2   Shtaff et al.

Herkus Stiprusis 7.5% 1,000 Shtaff

Gubernija Svogeriu 7.5% 1,000 Shtaff

Oskar Blues Wild Basin Melon Basil   5% 355 Martians

Deep Ellum Blind Lemon 5.0% 355 Martians

Tiger Beer, Heineken Asia Pacific
5.0% 500 KKKelder

Session 2
Kopparbergs Swedish Elk Brew X-Strong 7.5% 330 Mad Drunk

Åbro Kung 5.2% 500 Mad Drunk

Norrlands Djup 6.0% 500 Mad Drunk

Meistrite Gildi Moisnik 5.6% 2,000 Suurjuks

Gubernija Noble Lager 5.2% 500 Shtaff

Gubernija Traditional Bock 6.0% 568 Shtaff

Gubernija Original Pilsner 4.6% 568 Shtaff

Gubernija Royal Baltic Porter 6.4% 500 Shtaff

2 May 2020, 13:05

In only a couple hours, TCrBF will be a non-event.

For those of you who cannot be physically present
- such as our many finns in Fanland (recovered from Vappu?) -
we will be livedribbling all the chaos on BoozeTube.
You are cordially invited to join us at least in spirits!

18 April 2020

The countdown has begun

14 days to go...
Horrors are already self-isolating in the TCrBFridge.
To wet your appetite while you wait,
here's some info on two selected lovelies from our pile:

One of them, ~~booed~~brewed under licence at Staropramen,
has earned reviewer comments such as this:
        “Just plain wrong”

Another of our fine Crap beverages is Argus Camaro,
not so proudly produced in France.
Some tasting notes from the Internet:
        “fizzy, dry, cardboard box, corn beer”

1 April 2020

Rumour: UNHAPPY HOUR will still occur on 2 May!

!         TCrBF 2019 was highly suck-cessful, but...
        Our QUEST FOR THE HOLY FAIL never ends        !

For this not-quite-public not-quite-festival
- just a little before the usual hour, somewhere along Lai -
we have some cans & bottles of horror in quarantine already.
  Be there or be sober!

We hope to welcome all die-hard fans with open harms,
though some fans may have to wait your turn to cry.

        That way, we'll spread only facial expressions of horror, as always.

WANTED: Just a couple more terrors –
Drinks you wouldn't want to touch with a two-metre pole

20 March 2020

We don't know where we'll be, but the Plague hasn't killed us yet.
Stay tuned and stay safe!

15 November 2019

It has recently come to our attention that others are trying to muscle in on our turf.
We may be able to stomach Four Loko, but we can't stomach that kind of behaviour.
So let's be clear amid these hazy times:

We're the ones who do toxicity, damn it!

We and our minions focus on bringing a poisonous atmosphere.

So to all the other kids out there, big and small:
Get out of our playground, ya bullies!

TCrBF:

The original toxic beer scene.

Accept no substitutes!

23 October 2019

A T T E N T I O N :
THIS IS A(n almost)  MAY DAY CALL!

SPOS!

The crew of the FFS Regurgitator are issuing a distress signal:
on 2 May 2020, we will cause you distress and anguish!
Don't miss a drop!

We've already collided with a Natty Ice berg, so TCrBF might be truly unsinkable!
Or maybe there will be a huge shitwreck on the shores of Kultuurikatel.
Either way, set sail for the yellow waters we'll pour down your throat!

Disclaimers:
• No whales are harmed in the making of TCrBF.
• In addition to yellow, past beer colours have included (but were not necessarily limited to) brownish, radioactive blue/green/purple, and disturbing.

33 Septober 2019

Something this crap doesn't just happen.
Your twisted brainwrong makes TCrBF what it is(n't)!

So, GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER, PEOPLE!
And save it for us:

All things in cans or plastic
All creatures deathly pale
All things crap and drastic
The glorious taste of fail.

Older updates
Archived updates from the 2019 festival can be found here...

Any opinions expressed on this page are opinions. And any resemblance to real facts or events is purely coincidental.